Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens (9 page)

Everyone feels self-conscious from time to time, but most people notice it happening and let it go. They flick a switch and turn the spotlight off. But when socially anxious teens feel self-conscious, they dial the spotlight up, increasing their self-awareness to the point where they are paralyzed.

You can spotlight what is going on in your body as well. If you are sweating, shaking, or blushing, and you focus your attention on that, these normal signs of anxiety intensify. For example, when you are speaking in class you may notice that your heart is beating fast. Then, as you focus your attention on your heartbeat, the pounding intensifies until it feels like your heart might jump right out of your chest. “Everyone around me can see what’s happening,” you think to yourself. “They know I’m freaking out!”

As you leave the room after class, the spotlight follows you, showing everybody how awkwardly you walk. And so it goes throughout the day when you are living in the spotlight.

Describe a situation where you feel as if you are in the spotlight.

____________________

____________________

How do you imagine you are coming across to others?

____________________

____________________

What feelings do you have that you’re sure people around you must see?

____________________

____________________

Mind Reading

If you feel like you are in a spotlight and everyone is watching you, it’s only natural for you to also worry that everyone is thinking about you. As a mind reader, you assume you know what people are thinking, especially when it is something bad about you. You haven’t any psychic powers, but somehow you just know.

And because you are so certain, you don’t bother to check out what is actually happening. For example, you are hanging out with a friend who suddenly becomes distracted. Since you are a mind reader you know that your friend was bored and looking for an excuse to move on.

Describe an interaction you had with someone that made you anxious.

____________________

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What did you think that person was thinking about you?

____________________

____________________

Social Perfectionism

For the social perfectionist, there are only two categories: either you are brilliant, funny, smart, and popular or you are dull, boring, stupid, and an outcast. There is simply no such thing as being okay or good enough. If you aren’t invited to every party, then nobody likes you. If people do not listen with rapt attention every time you open your mouth to speak, you are boring.

When your idea of normal is everyone’s approving of you all the time, you’ve set the bar too high, and you’ll never clear it. Nobody is socially perfect, and thinking you can be will only lead to shame.

Here’s how social perfectionism works in your brain:

Because
I told a bad joke
, I am
not funny
.

Fill in the blank perfectionist thought.

Because
someone laughed at my coat
, I ___________.

Because
he didn’t ask me out again
, I ___________.

Because
she didn’t text me back
, I ___________.

Now try this exercise with your own perfectionist thoughts.

Because ___________, I

___________.

Because ___________, I

___________.

Because ___________, I

___________.

Social perfectionism allows no room for error. It’s a ruthless way to judge yourself, yet it is the most universal distortion and the most damaging for shy teens. In the next chapter, we’re going to take an even closer look at this disastrous distortion.

Remember the close relationship between thoughts, feelings, and actions? Social perfectionism becomes a problem when it makes you feel so anxious that you want to avoid situations. And the problem is even greater if those situations are ones that are important to you.

This rating exercise can give you a clue to your level of social perfectionism. Evaluate each statement on a scale from 1 to 5. Use 1 = disagree strongly and 5 = agree strongly.

_____  When I tell a joke, it should be funny to everyone.

_____  If I stumble on a word, people will think that there is something wrong with me.

_____  If I say something that turns out to be wrong, people will think I am stupid.

_____  If I forget people’s names, they will think I don’t care about them.

_____  If someone criticizes what I am wearing, I have bad taste in clothing.

_____  Awkward silences don’t happen in normal conversations.

_____  If I say something that someone takes the wrong way, I am insensitive.

_____  When giving an oral presentation, I should be relaxed and confident.

_____  If I appear nervous (for example, I blush or shake), others will see me as weak.

_____  
Total

How did your answers add up? Your total isn’t a scientific measurement, but generally speaking the higher you scored, the more likely it is that you don’t allow yourself any slack in social situations. Any effort you make to connect with others that isn’t received with a 100 percent positive reaction is considered a failure. This is social perfectionism, one of the disastrous distortions from chapter 4, and it is shared by nearly all shy people.

Right now you may be saying to yourself: “Those statements don’t sound like perfectionism, they sound realistic. I’m not a perfectionist. Perfectionists are overachievers, people who believe that nothing less than an A+ is good enough, right?”

By not allowing any possibility of failure in your social actions, you are expecting yourself to always be interesting, relaxed, funny, smart, or whatever you think you should be. You are setting a higher standard for yourself than for others who are not so shy. It is this high standard, an impossibly perfect standard to maintain, that is making you feel more anxious.

Social perfectionists perceive others as being perfect, but of course nobody is. Everybody has moments of awkwardness and even times when they fail outright. So how do you get a reality check on this standard? One way is to look around you at the behavior of others. Observing others can sometimes give you a more realistic view of how people normally act—they may not be as perfect as you think. What you learn by watching them may help you lower the expectations you place on yourself.

Social perfectionists are setting an impossible standard for themselves.

During the next week or so, watch your friends or acquaintances in the following situations and rate them on a scale from 1 to 5.

Your True Values

What’s important to you? Is it not making mistakes? Having everyone like you? Never being rejected? Social perfectionism is what most shy people fixate on, acting as if it were what life is all about.

Alex avoids talking with girls he is attracted to because he’s afraid that he won’t have anything clever to say or that he will say something painfully boring or weird. Are the most important things in his life that he never say anything weird, or that he never be the cause of an awkward silence in a conversation? If avoiding those conversational pitfalls is so crucial to Alex’s happiness, why isn’t he happier? He’s certainly done a good job of avoiding them. To help Alex figure out what his true values are—what really matters most in life to him—let’s have him try the following exercise.

Alex imagines that he is at his twenty-first birthday party. He pictures someone who knows and cares about him: a friend, a romantic partner, or a coworker. This person is telling everyone at the party how he or she feels about him. What words or phrases would Alex like to hear used to describe himself?

“What’s so cool about Alex is that he’s so fun and spontaneous. He’s a risk taker.”

Now he pictures himself at his thirtieth birthday party. He imagines the person he is closest with. What would that person say he stands for?

“You’re the most important person in my life because you’re the most honest, reliable friend a person could have.”

Now Alex is at his fiftieth birthday party. He pictures someone who knows and cares about him. What about Alex does this person admire?

“I’ve always looked up to you because you are true to yourself. You do the right thing no matter what.”

Let’s look at the words and phrases Alex would like people to use to describe his character.

• fun and spontaneous
  
• risk taker
  
• honest
  
• reliable
  
• true to himself
  
• does the right thing
  

These are more than just words to Alex. These are his true values. When Alex sticks his head in his locker to avoid meeting Ginelle, is he living according to any of these values?

It’s Your Turn!