Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens (4 page)

Scenario: Alex notices Ginelle, whom he finds attractive, approaching in the hall. He quickly buries his head in his locker and pretends to be looking for a book. Within a few seconds, Ginelle turns the corner and the danger has passed.

What actually happened here? If we are going to get a handle on social anxiety, we have to break it down so we can identify the links in the chain of events. Let’s start with what we can observe: Alex’s behavior. Alex stuck his head in his locker, apparently to avoid contact with someone he is actually attracted to. Is this in Alex’s best interest? Why would Alex act in a way that reduces his chances of getting to know someone he likes?

If we asked him, Alex might have an explanation like “I needed a book in my locker,” but if he’s honest with himself and us he might say that he felt uncomfortable when he saw Ginelle. He might describe his discomfort with a word like “anxious,” “panicky,” “insecure,” “embarrassed,” or just plain “scared.”

In this book, when we talk about feelings we are talking about both your emotions and your physical reactions. Here are some common emotions that shy teens feel:

Embarrassed—foolish, humiliated, self-conscious

Anxious—worried, panicky, nervous, frightened

Inferior—worthless, inadequate, defective, insecure

Lonely—unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned

Hopeless—discouraged, pessimistic, defeated

Ashamed—remorseful, bad, guilty

Sad—blue, depressed, down, unhappy

Frustrated—stuck, thwarted, defeated

Jealous—envious, distrustful

Confused—befuddled, confounded, lost

Hurt—wounded, upset, injured

Disappointed—let down, disillusioned, disheartened

Angry—mad, resentful, annoyed, irritated, upset, enraged

The other feelings we’re talking about are sensations you experience in your body. These sensations are common with all kinds of anxiety, but especially important for people with social anxiety. Have you ever worried that people would notice your physical symptoms—like sweating, blushing, or having a shaky voice or hands—and negatively judge you? When you are afraid people might judge you, your mind sends a danger signal to your body. Your physical reactions may include:

One thing to remember is that your physical symptoms of anxiety are much more obvious to you than they are to other people.

But what caused Alex’s anxious feelings? What could make Alex feel like disappearing into thin air every time he sees Ginelle? We could ask him, but Alex may not even be aware of what goes on in his head during the nanosecond between Ginelle’s surprise appearances and his hasty retreats. He might say, “I’m not really sure what I was thinking. Ginelle always makes me feel this way.”

The thoughts that go through our minds when we are presented with our own personal social anxiety triggers are often so familiar, so tried and true, so ingrained in our brains that they are automatic.
Let’s replay Ginelle’s entrance in slow motion and see what flashed through Alex’s mind when he saw her.

While Alex might perceive Ginelle’s entrance as the trigger for his personal chain reaction, it is actually his interpretation of her entrance, his
automatic thoughts
, that set off his anxious feelings.

The theme of socially anxious teens’ thoughts is always that other people are judging them. These thoughts make them feel like they are in danger. What do we do when we are in danger? We do what we’ve done ever since the first caveman confronted a mountain lion: run away and hide!

When people face situations that make them anxious, avoidance is the most common action they take. Avoidance prevents the thing that they are afraid will happen from happening.

Alex is afraid he won’t know what to say to Ginelle. If he hides in his locker, there is no risk of this happening. It’s a foolproof short-term solution. The problem? In the long run, Alex never gets what he really wants, which is to get to know Ginelle better. He winds up feeling isolated, discouraged, and depressed.

If you let your reptile brain lead the way, it will lead you astray.

Automatic thoughts, anxious feelings, and avoidance behavior are the three links in the chain of events that make up social anxiety.

Let’s look at some typical scenes in the lives of Liz, Bella, and two other socially anxious teens, Chris and Elisha.

Liz

Let’s review Liz’s thought-feeling-action chain in this situation.