Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens (12 page)

Have you completed your exposure ladder? Great—good work! Chances are, you are not exactly jumping at the opportunity to do your first exposure. You may have tried something similar in the past and regretted it. This time, you’re going to need a new strategy, better support, and a more accurate way to judge the results. Let’s follow along with Alex as he prepares for his bottom rung by filling out this exposure chart.

Alex begins by naming the exposure, or situation he has been avoiding, that he is now planning to face—the lowest rung on his ladder, saying hi to Ginelle. The next row, his anxious prediction, is what he is afraid will happen—and probably feels absolutely certain will happen—when he exposes himself to the situation. Next is his perfectionist goal, an unrealistic expectation that only makes him more anxious. Social perfectionism allows no room for mistakes or surprises, and if Alex goes into his exposure with this goal in mind, he is doomed for failure.

Alex's idea that he has to appear calm and confident around girls is unrealistic and only makes him more anxious.

Before Alex moves forward to the next part of the exposure chart, there is one more very important question he must answer, which has to do with his past behavior, not his thinking. The question is, what did he do to keep his anxious prediction from coming true?

Alex was once in a science class group project with Ginelle. He stayed in the group, and he even actually spoke to her once, but before he opened his mouth he mentally rehearsed everything he was going to say so it wouldn’t sound dumb. He never looked directly at Ginelle, and he spoke only about the project itself, not about anything personal. The moment the conversation turned spontaneous, Alex fixed his eyes on his notes and waited until the crisis had passed.

What Alex did is called safety behavior, and it is another more subtle form of avoidance. Safety behaviors are what we do to keep the things we are afraid will happen from happening. It’s like swimming with water wings on to keep yourself from drowning. Yes, you are in the water, but you’re not really swimming. Water wings don’t help you gain confidence in your own ability to stay afloat. You might always think the reason you did not drown was that you had your water wings on.

Here are some examples of safety behaviors:

• Calling a friend but thinking out what you are going to say first, or texting instead of calling
  
• Going to a party, but not initiating conversations
  
• Asking someone out, but not the person you are really interested in
  
• Going to school, but avoiding looking people in the eye
  
• Talking only to people who do not intimidate you
  
• Sitting in the back of the class so people cannot watch you
  
• Using alcohol or other drugs at social gatherings
  
• Never ordering things at restaurants that you are afraid you will mispronounce
  

Alex knew from past experience that when he was around girls he was attracted to he said only what he’d rehearsed and avoided eye contact. If he does that now with Ginelle, he won’t be truly testing his anxious prediction, so he’d better write it down in the chart to help him remember what not to do.

Alex has identified correctly what’s been wrong with his thinking and behavior in this situation. The next section of the chart is designed for Alex to outline the new thinking that will help him stop avoiding. Taking the time to reflect on these questions and write answers is crucial to a successful exposure.

Because he has questioned his automatic thoughts, Alex can identify the distortions in them and recognize that his anxious prediction won’t necessarily come true. His coping thought is a direct answer to his distorted anxious thoughts above. His realistic goal is what he will use to replace his perfectionist one; it is the observable behavior he reasonably hopes to accomplish even though he may feel anxiety while accomplishing it. The goal may be simply to not resort to safety behaviors. If Alex walks up to Ginelle, looks at her, and says hi, he gets an A+.

To complete the chart, the most important question Alex can ask himself is “What personal value is driving me in this direction?” He’ll need to have that ready in his mind when the going gets rough; it is the compass that will keep him on course.

But as Alex prepares, his anxious thoughts start to intensify, getting louder and more persistent. His body reacts, with his heart beating faster, his face getting hot, his muscles tensing, and his hands shaking. His mind is telling him not to do it, that she will think he is an idiot and he won’t have anything to say. It will be obvious to Ginelle how nervous he is, which will make her think he is weak and weird. If he listens to his thoughts right now, he’ll stick his head in the locker.

If Alex is going to go through with this exposure, he’s going to have to do it with the same old drumbeat of anxious thoughts that have been playing in his head for years every time an attractive girl is around. He’s sick of that soundtrack; he knows it’s not for him, but when it’s blasting away it makes him feel anxious, and when he feels anxious his feet move him away from his values.

The bottom line is that, like Alex, you have to decide who is going to be the boss: your reptile brain or you. You won’t move toward your values if you give all your attention to your doubts and fears. In life, as well as sports, we win by keeping our eyes and ears on the prize.

When the drumbeat of anxiety doesn’t go away, you’ll have to focus on your coping thoughts, and, as the Nike slogan says, “Just do it.”

Well, that was awkward! As the anxious thoughts and feelings fade away, Alex sighs with relief. And we might well be wondering, was it worth it? Would Alex have been better off simply avoiding all that pain?

True, Ginelle didn’t smile brightly and fall in love with Alex on the spot. She couldn’t even remember his name. Alex isn’t really sure what she thinks about him now; she might even be laughing at him.

After any exposure or any social interaction, shy people often begin obsessing about what they may have done wrong. Thoughts like “I should have said . . .” and “Why didn’t I . . .?” echo in their heads. Replaying what they should have done is more perfectionist thinking. Nobody can meet that standard, and if Alex evaluates his experience on those terms he’ll feel like a failure and go back to avoiding Ginelle.