Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens (15 page)

The most common thing that might make you think your exposure went wrong is when your anxious prediction comes true. Here are some examples:

• You blush and sweat, and someone comments on it by saying something like “Look at you blushing; how cute!”
  
• Your exposure is to start a conversation with someone. After you say hi, your mind really does go blank, and you stand there not saying anything more, just smiling, while the person walks away.
  
• You speak up in English class, giving an opinion on the book your class is reading, and another student rudely disagrees with you.
  

Are you using catastrophic thinking? Teens with social anxiety are hypersensitive to rejection and embarrassment. When something goes wrong, they tend to feel it really was catastrophic, that they are doomed to a life of ridicule and rejection. As we know from chapter 4, catastrophic thinking is a type of disastrous distortion that leads to more anxious feelings and more avoidance. Trusting catastrophic thoughts to guide you is like letting your anxieties sit in the driver’s seat.

If you suspect yourself of catastrophic thinking, ask yourself these challenge questions:

• What did I do that was okay?
  
• What value am I moving toward?
  
• Am I 100 percent certain that my catastrophic thought is true?
  

The fact is, learning to navigate bumps in the road will both help you become a better driver and get you where you want to go.

It’s also possible that your bad result is actually good. The only truly wrong thing that could happen with your exposure is your not doing it. So if you did it, even if it did not turn out as you hoped, pat yourself on the back. Mission accomplished!

Regardless of the problem you may be having with your exposures—overwhelming fear, persistent anxiety, worst-case outcomes—the single most effective troubleshooting technique is to revisit your exposure chart. “What?” you may say. “I actually needed to fill those things out? Like a test or a school assignment?”

Skipping or skimming the charts is really tempting. Nobody enjoys paperwork. A lot of teens feel that they can wing it, that this stuff is so simple, that writing everything down is a waste of time. If you do exposures without a chart, you are more likely to go back to your old automatic thoughts and safety behaviors. And without taking the time to fill in the postexposure chart, you are more likely to obsess about not meeting a perfectionist goal and less likely to see the experience in a new way; that is, moving toward your values and doing what is important to you.

As an experiment, try charting the exposure you’re having trouble with, starting with the first five sections, which are all about your fears and distortions. Take the time to think each question through, answering as honestly as you can.

Those first five sections of the chart can be pretty tough to get through, but making an honest assessment of your unproductive thoughts, goals, and behaviors is a necessary step before you can come up with new ones. The next part of the chart is your cheerleading section. When the going gets tough, what can you tell yourself that will keep you from retreating? Remember to focus on what you can actually accomplish and why you are doing this in the first place.

Did you fill it out? Great! Review the chart as often as necessary. Share it with a trusted friend or an understanding parent. Exposures are like tests; better preparation tends to get better results. And once you’ve done an exposure, remember to fill out the postexposure evaluation. If you feel the exposure went badly, your answers to these questions will help you recover. If you feel the exposure went well, your answers will help set up the next rung on your ladder.

Managing your fears with charts and ladders can feel unnatural and tedious at first, especially before you begin enjoying the rewards your hard work will bring you. As you gain momentum and start getting closer to your goals, you’ll start to understand your anxiety in a new way. Rather than fighting your fear, you’ll learn to lean into it. What does it mean to “lean into the fear”? Read the next chapter to find out!

In this chapter, we are going to encourage you to embarrass yourself. Maybe you’ll ask a stupid question; maybe you’ll bore someone. “On purpose?” you may think. “Are you kidding?”

It’s not as crazy as it sounds. Remember, it was your attempts to prevent bad things from happening that got you on the avoidance path to nowhere. Doing your exposures so far, you have probably already suffered some embarrassment. And because you are still reading this book, clearly it has not killed you. In fact, you have probably discovered that you are stronger than you thought you were and that you’ve developed some coping skills. Now just imagine how powerful your coping skills could be if you exercised them purposely, actually making your anxious predictions come true.

Have you ever heard a skater say, “If you’re not falling, you’re not skating?” What that means is that real skaters are always challenging themselves beyond their ability, always trying new moves and bigger jumps. It’s true that to get better in any sport we have to move out of our comfort zones, to lean into our fear and put ourselves at risk.

This is a lesson we learn during our first baby steps. Babies fall. They fall and they cry a lot. But what babies don’t do is get embarrassed. Babies are not self-conscious about falling, even when everyone in the room is watching them. But let’s just imagine a socially anxious baby girl who thinks that if she falls people will laugh at her, her parents will call her clumsy, or she will hurt herself and maybe even die. These thoughts would make her avoid trying to stand up and take those unsteady steps. She’d have to crawl everywhere she wanted to go, and that would be embarrassing too, so she’d wind up just sitting in place, playing it safe.

To learn to walk, you needed to learn to fall. To be comfortable in social situations, you must make embarrassing mistakes. You can wait for those mistakes to happen accidentally, or you can make them happen on purpose. Guess which method gets the best results?

Coming up with situations is easier than you may think. One thing you can do is go back over your anxious predictions forms, then think up ways that you can increase the likelihood of being embarrassed. There’s your new exposure.

Here are some examples for Liz, Brandon, and Bella.

Liz thinks she is boring. She is afraid to draw attention to herself for fear that others will judge her. What does she do?

• She makes a list of boring topics and then talks and texts about them.
  
• She interrupts people on purpose.
  
• She yells across the hall to say hi to someone.
  

Brandon is worried he will say something wrong and make a fool of himself. What does he do?

• He orders something that he knows the restaurant doesn’t serve.
  
• He calls someone by the wrong name on purpose.
  
• He mispronounces someone’s name.
  

B
ella is afraid people will notice she’s blushing. What does she do?

• She rubs her cheeks hard before talking to people or making a presentation.
  
• She wears extra blush.
  
• She makes certain everyone notices her blushing, even if she has to point it out.
  

Here are some other above-and-beyond ideas:

• Spray water under your arms and on your forehead to mimic excessive sweat.
  
• Make your hands shake while you are drinking something.
  
• At the gym, count your reps out loud so everyone can hear.
  
• At your favorite clothing store, try on clothes inside out and ask the clerk how you look.
  
• At a convenience store, pay with a pocketful of change.
  
• When the teacher asks the class a question, raise your hand and answer it wrong.
  
• Call a pet store and ask if they sell dog food.
  
• Walk into a movie theater and sit in front of someone after the movie has started. Or set your phone alarm to go off an hour into the movie.
  
• Buy an ice cream cone, drop it, and ask for another one for free.
  

You get the idea. If the thought of it makes you feel anxious, chances are it would be a great exposure.