Sidelined (5 page)

“So what did you do? Did you tell him you knew who he was?”

“Nope. I figured if he wasn’t going to, I wouldn’t be the first to mention it. When I got released from the hospital I had nowhere to go. Jude offered me a room at his place but I still didn’t trust him. So he offered to pay for me to stay at a hotel for a few days. I didn’t want his money, so he said we’d discuss it over dinner.” A smile crossed my lips at the memory. He was adorable that day. “We ate, and I knew. He wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever met. I agreed to stay at his for one night while I figured out what to do next.”

“And one night turned into forever?”

I laughed. “Sort of. I stayed, and he let me be. Let me do what I needed to do to heal. He kept his distance, but always checked in with me to make sure I was okay. We didn’t start dating for almost a year. He never laid a finger on me, not even to give me a hug until our first date.”

Even when I had nightmares about my parents, he stayed close but he never touched me.

Jesse smiled. “Must have taken some self-control on his part.”

My cheeks burned, and my stomach flipped over. Jesse was like Jude, only younger. Sweet, thoughtful.
Hot
.
Way hot.

“How are you still so happy all the time?” Jesse asked. “After everything you’ve been through.”

“I think because my parents taught me how,” I said, forcing my brain back on track and far away from the fleeting thought Jesse was a total babe. “They were both such warm people, maybe it’s genetic. Even after everything, I grew up knowing I was loved, so I guess I knew what to look for.”

Jesse pulled me into him for another hug, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I needed him. His comfort. His warmth. Jesse “got” me in a way Jude never had. Perhaps that was the real drawback of an age gap. Jesse and I came from the same place – grew up with the same things.

“I think you should talk to Jude,” Jesse said. “Go back to him with a plan of what you want to do. If you show him you’ve really thought about this work thing, he’ll listen.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“Bree, he loves you. Remember your birthday party? Months before, he started bugging the hell out of the guys in the locker room, boring them with the problems he had finding pink decorations. Pink decorations he knew you’d love. He’d do anything for you. All you gotta do is show him this make-up thing is important to you.” He raised my head from his shoulder, and looked into my eyes. “How could he resist, huh? You can do whatever you set your mind to. Go for it.”

Jesse’s words helped in ways I couldn’t explain. Why didn’t Jude listen to me that way? Jesse hadn’t thought twice about listening to what I had to say, while Jude threw questions at me, making me doubt myself.

You’re being unfair. Jesse’s right. Jude does love you and he would do anything for you.

So why couldn’t I forget the feeling of safety I had when Jesse hugged me? It didn’t feel unsafe with Jude, but I got a different kind of security with Jesse. A security that came from being around someone who heard me.

At home on my bed while Jude worked out in our home gym, I asked myself a question I hadn’t asked in a long time.

Do I really love Jude? Or am I with him because I think I owe him for saving my life?

I’d asked myself the question before our first date. Back then the answer was quick. Easy. I’d fallen head over heels for him, not because he saved me, because he allowed me space without isolating me. Because he made me laugh. Because his smile gave me tingles, and I missed him so much whenever he went away.

And now?

Why wouldn’t the answer come so easily? Probably because for the last few months I’d felt like I was watching the world live while I waited. Waited for something amazing to happen. A sub, stuck on the sidelines, waiting for my big chance on the pitch to show everyone what I could do.

God. People aren’t supposed to have mid-life crises at twenty-one.

Not so long ago I’d thought Jude was everything to me. I’d started to see that, if I wanted to feel like myself again, I couldn’t live that way. I needed something of my own, outside of him. If he one day decided he was through with me, what would I do? Sure, I had friends now but most of them were
his
friends first.

I closed my eyes, picturing my wedding day. I’d never been happier than when we stood up in front of our friends and Jude’s family and told everyone we would be together forever. I lived a fairy tale life, and Jude… Jude was still my Prince Charming. I just needed him to listen.

Chapter
5 – The Age Of Curiousness

I took Jesse’s advice as soon as I woke up and had breakfast on Monday morning. I pulled up the websites I’d bookmarked with the courses I liked the look of.

“You’re not giving this up, huh?” Jude asked from behind me.

I kept my gaze focused on the screen. Annoyance rose inside me at his tone. Slightly pissed off like I was, I don’t know, trying to buy more shoes. Actually, no. He didn’t mind the shoes. Or the clothes. So why did he mind me wanting to earn the money to buy my own?

It had been so much easier telling Jesse my plans and he hadn’t gotten huffy over it.

Jesse’s not your husband.

I blinked a few times. I didn’t want Jesse to be my husband; I had a husband, and Jesse had an Isabelle. What I wanted was for Jude to be as laid back as Jesse.

Everything had jumbled up inside my head. My wants, needs. I had other friends, of course, but Jesse felt like the only constant in my life. The only person never too busy to listen no matter how ridiculous I sounded.

“I’m only looking around. But no, I’m not giving up. I can do this.”

“Give me three reasons why you want to.”

“Really?” I spun the chair around so I faced him. “I need to justify this to you?”

“All you’ve given me so far is that Leah suggested it.”

His eyes focused on mine and he stared at me like I’d been hypnotised and he was trying to find the real me behind the spell Leah had so obviously cast over me. We’d been together for years; he hadn’t noticed my love of make-up?

“Get over that already. I never ate sushi until you suggested it. Now it’s one of my favourite things. I guess that’s okay since
you
recommended it.”

“Don’t make me out to be controlling. I told you, I just don’t want you getting carried away with something you aren’t going to see through.”

“So what if I don’t see it through? If I don’t try, how will I know?”

Jude put on his sensible face. “Having money doesn’t mean we can waste it on any passing fad.”

“Right. How much did you spend on my birthday party, Jude? One night of entertainment. How much?”

“I did that for you!”

“I know, but what about me doing something for myself? Why is that so awful to you?”

He sighed and shook his head. “We’ll talk about this later.”

We won’t talk about this later. You’ll pretend we didn’t have this conversation like you pretended we didn’t have the last conversation.
He hadn’t brought it up, and I hated this side of him; the side that suddenly ignored the things I wanted. I’d never seen this side of him before. I wanted it to pack its shit and move along.

Jude leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek. I never usually passed on the chance to kiss my yummy hubby, but he didn’t look so yummy all of a sudden. I mean, physically he was, obviously. But he wasn’t acting enough like himself for me to want to connect. I needed him to hear me, and he kept trying to pass my opinions about my own life off like they didn’t matter.

I spent a full hour comparing what each make-up course offered, prices, and the time they’d take to complete. What surprised me the most was how short the classes were.  Some promised training in one day. The one I liked best lasted for six days, would teach me everything I needed to know, and give me a Make-Up Artist Certificate. That sounded pretty cool to me. My name. On a certificate. It was kinda expensive so my next step was to check out reviews of the class I’d chosen. Not only on the official website, elsewhere too. I read, amazed. Not a bad word was said, and some of the former students had even gone on to work on movie sets.

I hadn’t decided what kind of work I’d like to do. I didn’t particularly want to deal with movie or TV stars. I liked normal people. Every day people. People who hadn’t yet seen themselves at their absolute best. I imagined myself working with brides, making them look perfect for their big day. So maybe a salon?

I couldn’t go back to Jude with my research until I’d made a definite decision, so I figured my day’s work would be to think about my options.

My cell phone vibrated on the desk in front of me. Jesse. I picked it up with a smile, wondering what he needed me to bring him. His calls for emergency sports magazines, and occasionally chocolate, were familiar by now.

“Hey, Jesse. What’s up?”

“Bree, are you busy?”

His voice didn’t sound right. Not light and happy with a hint of frustration at dealing with his mother. He sounded worried, and my stomach clenched.

“Not with anything I can’t put off. What do you need?”

“You. I need… you. Something’s wrong with Kayla.”

Crap! She went to that party on Saturday night. Dammit, I should have… But… the party was two days ago.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “What’s wrong with her?”

“She told Mom she wasn’t feeling good so she hasn’t gone to school today, but she doesn’t look sick, she looks scared. I asked her what’s wrong and she started crying and ran to her room. Mom’s at work today and Kayla won’t talk to me. I know how much she likes you. I hoped-”

“I’ll be right there.”

I ended the call, stuffed my phone in my pocket, and slipped into my shoes. Whatever was bothering Kayla didn’t sound like something I could ignore. I pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail, set the alarm then set off for Jesse’s.

“Wow, you got here fast,” Jesse said as he opened the door. He appeared to be getting faster on his crutches already, though he must have been tired of wearing baggy shorts every day because he couldn’t fit anything else over his cast. Lucky for him, the look suited him. Actually, I’d never seen him in a bad outfit. If he wasn’t a soccer player he’d have made an excellent male model. Those green eyes…

Quit it, Bree. Kayla needs you. Stop lusting after her brother and go to her!

I shrugged. “Girl code. When one of us is in trouble we drop everything. Is she still in her room?”

“Yeah. I tried to talk to her a few minutes ago and she told me to go away. But… not that politely.”

“Okay. Want me to try now, or give her a little more time?”

“Go now. Not knowing is driving me crazy.”

“Okay.” I started to walk towards the stairs then stopped and turned back to Jesse. “She might ask me not to tell you whatever it is. Unless it’s something that puts her in danger, you understand I have to do as she asks?”

Jesse nodded. “As long as she lets someone be there for her, I’m cool.”

I gave him a small smile, glad he chose me. “I’ll do what I can.”

When I reached Kayla’s door, I knocked gently. “Kayla? It’s Bree. Can I come in?”

Silence. I pressed my ear against the door and heard a shuffling sound, like she was unwrapping herself from her comforter.

“Kayla?”

“Come in.”

Kayla sat on her bed, legs crossed, face tear-streaked. Her hair was scraped back the same way as mine, in a messy up-do, and she forced a smile even though her eyes were glistening.

“What’s wrong, honey?” I asked, sitting down beside her.

“Nothing.”

“Look at me.” I gently rested a finger under her chin and turned her face to mine. “You wanna talk about it?”

She shook her head, tears spilling over. My heart hurt to see so much unhappiness on her face. She was usually vibrant, confident. She sat with her back perfectly straight as if trying to show she didn’t care about whatever had happened, but there was no ignoring the river of tears.

“Come on, Kayla, talk to me. Is this about the party? Did someone hurt you?”

“No, it’s not that. I… I can’t go to school ever again.”

“Why not?”

“Because everyone will laugh at me.”

She fell against my arm and I wrapped her into a hug while she cried into my shoulder.

“Why would people laugh at you, sweetie?”

“Because I did something stupid! There was a guy at the party. A guy I liked a lot. He’s a year older than me but I didn’t think it mattered since one of my friends is dating one of his friends. I thought we could go on double dates and stuff. At the party, he asked me to go upstairs with him where we could be alone.”

Instinct made me force her – carefully – away so I could see her better. “Did he hurt you?”

Kayla shook her head again. “No. No. He didn’t… he didn’t
make
me do anything. We were making out and he asked me if I’d-” she stopped, her cheeks colouring. “I can’t tell you. I’m such an idiot.”

I got the horrible feeling I knew where this was going and I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear, but she was afraid. I needed to know why. And whether I needed to alert the police to keep her safe.

“Kayla, come on. I can’t help if you don’t tell me.”

She stood up and walked to her window seat where she picked up one of her cushions and hugged it to her chest.

She stared out of the window and I waited. Jesse was right to call me because Kayla did want to talk, but in her own time. I shuffled backwards on her bed, my back against the wall and my feet dangling over the edge. While I waited for her, my eyes drifted around the room. Above her desk she had a pin board crammed with brightly coloured post-it notes, letters and photos. Up in the top left corner I spotted a newspaper cutting of Jesse. A photo of him in a white football strip, the only word visible on the folded page was “Warriors”. The clipping had faded slightly, and I guessed it was the news report from when Jesse first got signed to Westberg. Sweet. Kayla would never have admitted it out loud, but that one item amongst all her other things showed her pride for her big brother.

“He put my hand down his pants,” Kayla said, making me snap my head towards her. “Damon. He put my hand down his pants and… I was sort of okay with that but then he asked me to… he wanted me to-”

“I get it,” I interrupted. “I won’t make you say it. Did you?”

“I didn’t know how.” Her forehead thudded against the window. “I get the theory and everything, but I didn’t want to do it wrong. He laughed at me. Called me a tease and a slut. I touched him a bit, that’s all! I didn’t really want anything more to happen. I was happy with kissing.”

A tease
and
a slut? Okay, that didn’t even make sense. I wriggled off the bed and stood beside her.

“What did he do next?”

“He said he couldn’t believe he’d wasted the evening on me and he thought I was a sure thing because of the way I dress. After he left I stayed in the bedroom for a while, feeling like a loser for not doing what he wanted and when I went back to the party, he’d obviously told his friends. They were all laughing and by the time I left, everyone knew how pathetic and inexperienced I am. I’m scared when I go back to school it won’t be over. Everyone will still be talking about me.”

Geez. It hadn’t been
that
long since I was in high school but things sure had changed. So many things troubled me about what Kayla told me. Some idiot boy judged her based on her appearance? What the hell was wrong with her clothes anyway? She wore jeans and tank tops most of the time. How was that an indication of how far she would go? And since when has any fifteen-year-old been an expert at giving head?

I knelt down so I was closer to eye level with her, even though she still wasn’t facing me.

“You know your clothes are no excuse for the way he treated you, right?”

She nodded.

“Kayla, you did the right thing by saying no to him.”

“I know but now everyone thinks I’m some kind of prude. I literally went from being one of the cool kids to being a nerd in one evening. My friends just joined in with the laughing. Caitlyn let me stay at her house because her mom was expecting me. In the morning they pretty much threw me out after breakfast and said I’m out of the group.” Kayla pulled her sleeves down over her hands and wiped her eyes. “It took me a long time to fit in here. I never wanted to leave my old school. When people found out who I am, Jesse Shaw’s sister, it was like… instant upgrade to popular. I liked those girls. The ones who dumped me. I guess they didn’t like me. Not for who I really am, anyway.”

I rested my hand on her shoulder. “Listen, high school can be rough. And cool girls in high school are usually total bitches. But you need to go back in tomorrow and let them see you won’t be pushed around. Learning how to face crap like this head on is the best thing you can do for yourself.”

Finally, Kayla flicked her head around to face me. “Are you speaking from experience?”

“Hmm, not exactly. I was never in a school long enough to make too many frenemies. When I left school I had to learn how to take care of myself pretty fast. I could have used some practice on catty high school bitches.”

“Well, what do you suggest I do?”

“Ignore them. As labels go, being called a prude isn’t so bad. It means the sleazy, horny guys will leave you alone, and you might find one who shows you more respect than Damon did.”

I sounded like an after school special, but if Kayla wouldn’t go to her mom, who else would tell her this stuff? I just hoped she trusted me enough – even if we both understood it would never be as simple as I pretended.