Silver Heart (15 page)

Within two sessions of private lessons Maddie’s snowboarding proficiency grew by leaps and bounds. The only thing that increased for me was the amount of bruises on my body. The new ones I acquired today were bright red; the wounds from the day before were already turning a deep shade of purple. It was safe to say that I resembled a Fight Club member instead of a snowboarder who had spent most of her time on a bunny hill.

At five o’clock in the afternoon, the torture finally concluded. Maddie drove our rental car back to the cabin to dispose of our gear and grab a shower, while I took my camera and headed into Whistler Village.

I spent some time walking around the busy community, snapping photos of moments that caught my attention: two young siblings wedged deep inside a snow bank, their dark skin and jet-black hair a beautiful contrast to the bright snow; window shoppers who pressed their fingers and noses against brightly decorated displays, leaving breath marks of hot air against the cool glass; a couple sharing an intimate moment without even touching each other—the passionate look in their eyes connected them by an invisible, powerful thread; a mother and daughter in matching neon green jackets laughing as they slid down a snowy hill on a bright blue snow tube.

Life.

I was capturing life. In turn, I felt alive. My mind and body were fully engaged—I was on fire. Finding subjects, framing shots, snapping away…my heart raced, my skin prickled…it was a thrill like no other.

I zeroed in on a group of friends drinking hot chocolate around an open fire pit. The warm light emanating from the flames danced across their features, creating shadows that told a million different stories.

On the outer edge of the wooden bench, white Styrofoam cup pressed to his lips, was Sawyer. My focus was off, so he appeared blurry through the viewfinder, but once I adjusted the focus, the look that emerged in his eyes was unmistakable. And heartbreaking. It was a look I’d seen once before.

We’re sitting atop our usual snowy hill, retaining body heat by using cups of hot chocolate as hand-warmers. Children’s laughter surrounds us, and occasionally, a stray snowball flies our way, but Sawyer always manages to catch it before it’s able to do any damage.

As a high school senior and a sophomore, we’re much too old to join in the snowball fights and sled races taking place around us, but hanging out on the hill is a habit we developed when we were little and refuse to abandon. This is the one special place where we feel far away from both of our worlds. It’s just us. No parents. No fights. No expectations. We’re safe.

Or at least I think we’re safe. All afternoon, something has been on Sawyer’s mind. I can tell by the look in his eyes. His light green irises usually shimmer with specks of gold on a sunny day. Today, despite the bright sunshine, they resemble a turbulent sea.

“So you’re really going to go to the Winter Formal with that asshat?” he finally says.

“Jason Peers is not an asshat,” I reply.

“You’re right. He’s an assdick.”

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my hot chocolate. “Why do you care about the dance, anyway? You’re going to Aspen for that fancy exhibition this weekend.”

“Big sponsors are gonna be there, Silver,” he tells me for the hundredth time this week. “It may turn out to be the most important ride of my life. Plus, the exhibition will obviously be way better than any dance.”

“Whatever. You wouldn’t come to the dance even if there was no exhibition,” I tease, provoking the storm in his eyes.

“Maybe I just hate the idea of watching you dance with an assdick,” he retorts.

“Thanks for that visual,” I groan.

“I still can’t believe you’re not coming to watch me compete. How am I supposed to shoot for a gold medal if I don’t have my Silver with me?” he says, softening slightly.

I can’t help but melt at his words. But then I sober and remind him why I can’t go. “You know that the last time I went to Aspen with you, my parents flipped out and locked me in my room for an entire century.”

 “Because you ended up getting a B on that English paper and they thought taking the weekend off from studying had something to do with that.” He runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Don’t forget that they were also pretty pissed that my photos from that event got printed in the paper. Another waste of time that would never get me into an Ivy League.”

“Okay, fine. You don’t have to come.” He captures my eyes with his and doesn’t let go as he adds, “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re going out with Jason again.”

I shrug. “It’s convenient.”

Sawyer’s jaw tightens. “Oh, yeah? How so? The prick cheated on you because you wouldn’t have sex with him. Now you’re going to dance with him and pretend that everything’s fine? How the hell does any of that make sense, Silver?”

“Things are different now.”

“What?” he snaps. “Are you planning to put out?” The darkness in his eyes takes my breath away.

“Shut up,” I say. “I’m not going to put out. I’m just going to dance and have fun with Maddie. She wanted to double date, so why not? It’s not like I have any other romantic prospects. Jason is the only guy in our school my parents approve of.”

“Your parents are okay with a guy being a cheating assrat and treating their daughter like crap just because his daddy is a lawyer? Classy.” he scoffs.

“Asshat, assdick, assrat. I love it.” I laugh, but he doesn’t look amused.

“Fuck that shit. You deserve better, Silver.”

 “Well, do you know of any non-chauvinist candidates?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to speak.

“I may know one.” He shrugs. “But he’s not into dancing.”

I lock my jaw and match his gaze. “Too bad.”

Like always, we have reached a stalemate. I mindlessly tug at one of my curls as I think about the fact that I’m never going to admit to being in love with Sawyer Carter.

At least not out loud.

What we have is too special to risk wrecking with such an earth-shattering confession. Especially since I don’t even know if Sawyer feels the same way about me. I don’t doubt that he loves me—he’s proven that time and time again, but I’m not sure where he stands romantically. With anyone.

Every time I ask him about the countless girls that practically throw their panties at him—both on the slopes and at school—he just shrugs and says, “I can’t get serious with a girl. You’ve seen my parents. I don’t ever want to turn into my father.”

“You won’t,” I always reply. “You’re nothing like him.”

Sawyer is funny, sweet, thoughtful. Yeah, he occasionally gets high, but that’s mostly to escape his broken reality. He never drinks. He hates alcohol with a passion. Alcohol stands for broken jaws and busted lips, for loud fights and sleepless nights.

Regardless of his fear of commitment, I’m certain that Sawyer Carter will have a girlfriend one day. And that will be the saddest day of my life.

It’s always like this between us. Neither one of us will ever cross that boundary. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay forever being Sawyer Carter’s friend. As long as he never leaves me. He’s the reason I follow my passion for photography. He’s the reason I’ll have enough courage to tell my parents that I don’t want to go to med school and instead want to get a degree in photography.

He’s my everything. We need each other now, and we’ll never stop needing each other.

That Friday I end up ditching Jason and driving out to Aspen to watch Sawyer sweep the competition with the highest overall score in all categories. I’m grounded for another lifetime, but I don’t care. It’s worth seeing him smile one last time, because after that day, his entire world collapses.

Now, as I stood in the middle of the busy square, watching the hurricane in Sawyer’s eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve happened if I’d been more vocal about my feelings all those years ago. Over the course of our friendship, we’d both shown each other how much we cared, but we never dared to say anything. Actions spoke louder than words, but sometimes “I love you” needed to be said out loud. Or screamed at the top of your lungs.

As I stood frozen in place, contemplating this very thought, Sawyer’s gaze drifted up and pierced my lens. The look in his eyes was so intense it caused me to utter a tiny gasp of surprise. But then the severity in his glare gave way to something softer, and the cool green waves surging in his irises took on a warmer hue.

Lowering my camera, I slung its strap over my shoulder and walked over to him.

“I’ve always been a fan of your work, but paparazzi stalking jobs, Silver? Really?” The muscles in his jaw rippled, and I could tell he was fighting to maintain his deadpan expression.

I rested my hands on my hips and innocently looked down at him. “You don’t think it would be fun to chase hot, young sports stars around the globe for a living? I’m trying not to get too excited over the enormous amount of money I’m gonna pull in for my latest shot of Olympic hopeful Carter the Carver drinking hot chocolate next to a campfire.”

Something dark flashed in his eyes. “I guess you gotta save up. Weddings can be quite pricy,” he said flatly.

“Speaking of paparazzi, I read an article last year about you and that supermodel, Angelique,” I retorted, matching his tone. “Weren’t you dating? What happened to her?”

“She wanted more.”

“More?”

“A diamond ring
more
.”

“And you didn’t?”

“She wasn’t the right girl,” he simply said.

I raised my eyebrows and tried not to look too stunned. “So a gorgeous supermodel who’s a hundred on a scale of one to ten proposes to you and you run?”

I was treated to a shrug. “I guess we’re not all ready to jump into marriage with just anyone.”

A few of the girls sitting around the campfire turned our way, doing the whole “not looking, but totally eavesdropping” thing.

Sawyer stood and took my hand. “Come with me.”

Without further explanation, he led me on a short hike away from the village. The entire time we were trekking through the snow, he remained completely silent. Tension built in the pit of my stomach, mostly due to anticipation, but also from the discomfort brought on by being unable to read his expression. Regardless, I resolved to follow him, eager to talk about last night and explain my actions regarding the whole Preston situation.

When we finally came to a stop at the peak of a small, empty hill shrouded by trees, I let out a silent breath of relief. Sawyer removed his hoodie and laid it on the snowy ground, inviting me to sit. I obeyed and he sank down beside me.

Cold shivers ran down my legs, though he didn’t even flinch. The temperature was hovering just above freezing and he was only wearing a tight, long-sleeved Underarmour shirt and gray snowboarding pants, but he seemed completely unaffected by the wintry weather.

Twisting his torso, Sawyer invaded my space, filling the distance between us with his body. I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed his fingers against my lips to silence me.

“Don’t talk. Just listen,” he said gruffly. “I need you to hear this, Silver.” Dropping his hand, he slowly pulled away and took a deep breath before continuing. “Last night, when Adam said those things about your perfect fiancé and reminded me of all the ways I couldn’t measure up, I fucking lost it. Anger ripped into me and wouldn’t let go. I felt jealousy and possessiveness I’d never felt before. My thoughts and feelings scared the shit out of me.”

He picked up a handful of snow and crushed it between his fingers. “I know that I have no right to these emotions, but I can’t make them go away.” His eyes blazed with a startling intensity that could only be described as a blend of hurt, fury, and raw desire. “Tell me I’m not allowed to feel this way about you, Silver,” he demanded, leaning into me.

I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. All my life, I had felt that way about him.

“It’s been a very long time,” he continued when I refused to speak. “I get that you have your own life, and I’m clearly just a vacation fling—an old memory that sparked some new feelings.” I swallowed the bitter lump in the back of my throat, trying not to tear up.

Sawyer was so much more than just an old memory.

“Your family doesn’t approve of me and will probably never approve of me. I know that I have no entitlement over you, considering the way we left things six years ago.” His eyebrows knitted together and he leaned closer, digging his hands into the cold ground on either side of me.

“Hell, I even know I should be pissed off about the cheating thing, but all I can think about is how much I want a do-over.” His usually icy breath was filled with the sweetness of hot chocolate, warming my insides. “I get that it’s too late. I know things are different, but the moment you appeared in front of me, all I wanted was to hold you and never let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

Nothing.

Or, rather, everything that was wrong with me.

I shook my head, struggling to find the right words to explain what I was feeling. We had a similar need. Sawyer had already escaped me once. I didn’t want it to happen again. Whenever he was near, my first instinct was to wrap my hands around him and refuse to release him. Perhaps we were both crazy, but this kind of crazy felt so
right
.

“There’s never been anyone else, Silver. All these years, there’s never been another girl who could measure up to you.” His green eyes pierced through me. “For six years, all the girls I’ve been with were just forgotten names and blurry faces.”

“What about Angelique?” I blurted out, kicking myself for sounding so jealous.