Silver Heart (16 page)

“Angelique probably came closest to being something real, but her inner and outer beauty could never rival yours. Nor could her intelligence, wit, strength.” He tucked one of my curls behind my ear in the process stroking my jaw with the back of his hand. His cool fingers set my skin on fire. “You ruined me for everyone who came after you, and you did it by simply existing. It’s not like you were even my girlfriend. At least not officially. In my heart, you were always mine. I’m just pissed off that this revelation is coming years too late.”

“So what now?” I asked breathlessly. The way he was positioned over me, his body seemed to be hovering above mine without actually touching me. I wanted to reach up and eradicate the coldness between us.

“I brought you here with the intention of clearing the air before we go our separate ways again. I wanted to be the bigger man and wish you luck on your marriage, but the moment I saw you, my plan suddenly derailed.” He shifted his weight, pressing himself closer to me. “Now I’m having trouble balancing what I know is the right thing to do and what I really want to do.”

“What’s the right thing to do?” I had the urge to grab his leg and throw it over me so that I could pull his entire weight on top of me.

“Leave you alone,” he whispered hoarsely. “Let you be happy with that perfect fiancé.”

If that was right, then I definitely wanted to be wrong.

I gazed up at him with a challenging stare. “And what is it that you
want
to do, Sawyer?”

“Taste your lips. Claim your heart. Never let you go.” His hand slid to the back of my neck, and he tugged my head forward so that our lips were touching. “And if we’re being honest, right now, I want to push you back into the snow and have my way with you,” he murmured, gazing at me through seductively hooded eyes. “Right here. Right now.”

It was impossible to think straight. It was as if my brain had gone to an entirely different planet, leaving me to fend for myself. “But…you’re not…going to do that?” I finally managed.

“Don’t think that it didn’t occur to me to punch your guy out, and then sling you over my shoulder like some caveman,” Sawyer said. “Just like I wanted to do with that dickface Jason Peers all those years ago. But you know I can’t let myself be that guy.”

He quickly drew away from me and leaned back on his hands. Gazing up at the sky, he said, “I’ve seen Asshole cheat on my mother countless times, but he’d beat her to a pulp if she even glanced at another man. The last thing I’d ever want is for you to see any glimpse of my father in me. You’ve been around enough of his rage-fueled animalistic outbursts to know that I never want to be that man. There was a reason I never told you how I felt about you all those years ago.”

How he felt about me? Did those words mean what I thought they meant?

“What was it?” I whispered, afraid to breathe and disturb this trance he seemed to be in.

When he looked back down at me his eyes were filled with sadness. “I didn’t want to allow myself to care about anyone so much. I was scared shitless that I would turn into him. The jealousy, the possessiveness, the things he did to my mother…they weren’t right. That’s not how a man should act around someone he loves.”

He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to fight your man. I’ll find a way to work out my jealousy and anger on the slopes. Like I always do.”

“I’m not worried. But just so you know, my
perfect
fiancé is no longer in the picture,” I told him, suddenly feeling like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

Confusion filled his eyes as he glanced over at me. “What do you mean?”

“We’re not together. We never really were,” I admitted. “It was an arrangement of convenience to keep our parents off our backs. This morning, I found out that Preston is very much in love with another guy. And I’m very happy for him because I also happen to like another guy.”

“Why didn’t you say something last night?” There was an immediate shift in Sawyers’ posture. His shoulders straightened and the tension on his face melted slightly.

“What was I supposed to say?” I asked, my voice rising in exasperation. “That the past few years of my life had been a big, fake shit show? That on the outside I look like I’ve got it all together, but on the inside I rarely feel anything? That ever since you left…I gave up trying to live for myself? That I just did whatever my parents wanted because it was easier and I was too scared to stand up to them on my own?” More quietly, I added, “You left. Adam left. Maddie left. I had no one.”

“But you persevered.” He placed his hand on my knee and peered into my eyes. “You’re a strong girl, Silver.”

“I persevered and will go on persevering. That was never the issue,” I said. “I just didn’t dare be the real me in the process. But then this week everything changed. Maddie was back with her wild stories, then I saw you and I started to feel things that I was too scared to admit had even existed inside me. You guys shook me awake. And it’s scary being this awake and feeling so strong and not knowing what I’m doing. I feel like my world is spinning out of control and I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I’m questioning everything.”

The moment I reunited with Sawyer, a little piece of me began to unravel, exposing my raw insides—the thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs that I’d tried to keep hidden from everyone for so long.

“Do I go on being this safe person I know I can be, or do I jump headfirst into the unknown and run the risk of ruining my life?” I asked.

“You know my answer to that, but I’m the type who likes to jump headfirst. Doing something dangerous can have good payoffs.” The right side of his mouth quirked up in a small smile. “Just do it, Silver. Take some risks.”

“What if I fall?”

“Then I’ll be here to catch you.”

“And what if I fail?”

“Then at least you tried,” he said, shrugging. “Every single one of my broken bones got me where I am today. The ones my father broke pushed me to go out there and get better at snowboarding so that I could escape my reality. The ones I broke not landing on my board properly pushed me to train harder and get better. I don’t regret a single fall, no matter how much it hurt. The only thing I’ve ever regretted in my life is being too chickenshit to take a chance on us.”

“So what do you suggest my first big risk should be?” I whispered.

“I think you know the answer to that,” he replied immediately. “Me. Let it be me.”

With those words, he wrapped his arms around my waist and guided me onto his lap. The moment his lips touched mine, my mind cleared of all doubts.

At first, his kiss was hard, insatiable, but then his lips softened and his tongue slowed to a more leisurely pace. He kissed me like he had all the time in the world, like he wanted to savor the taste of me, as if he wanted to assure me that taking a risk on him will turn out just fine.

When we pulled apart, he grinned mischievously. “Your next challenge: off-trail snowboarding. “Tonight. Seven o’clock. I’m going to show you what losing control really feels like.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“In how many more languages do I have to scream the phrase: ‘I’m going to die!’ before you actually believe me?” I called out to Sawyer. “There’s no way I’ll make it down in one piece!”

We were standing at the peak of a secluded hill miles away from the safety of the Whistler-Blackcomb resort, surrounded by snow-covered trees. Trees around us, trees below us, trees every-
freaking
-where.

For some inexplicable reason, Sawyer expected me to be able to snowboard through them. I could barely make it down a beginner hill without falling on my ass. How was I supposed to survive an entire forest of thick trunks and thorny pine needles?!

A rickety chairlift had taken up a group of seven of us, but now Sawyer and I were the only two riders left at the summit. Everyone else had made it down at least once already. Even Maddie, under the tutelage of one of Sawyer’s friends, looked like she was having the time of her life. I could see her bright red gloves waving at me from one of the chairs as she ascended back up for another round.

“You can go ahead,” I told Sawyer, shifting my weight to my heels and sinking down on my butt. “I’ll just wait here for the Snow Patrol to come and rescue me.”

“I’m not leaving you, Silver,” he growled. “Let’s go.”

“What if I lose control of my board and slam face-first into a tree?”

“What if you don’t?” he countered. “What if you finally let go and actually end up having some fun? Would that be so tragic?”

“Knowing me, I’ll end up—”

“Knowing you, you’ll do just fine,” he said, cutting me off. “That is, once you relax.”

“Therein lies the problem.” Ever since my talk with Adam I’d found it hard to relax and focus on anything else except the thought that I had no idea what I was doing in life.

Where the fuck was I heading next? Right. Down the hill to my untimely death.

“Really, Sawyer. Go have fun with your friends,” I said, nodding at a group of guys expertly weaving through the trees. “I’ll just carry my board down the hill.”

 “Stop telling me what to do. I’m the instructor today,” he chastised. “And I’m having fun.
With you
. I snowboard with those guys all the time. I’d been waiting six years to do this with you.”

“But—”

He placed both hands on his hips and sighed deeply. “Do I have to carry your ass down the hill, Silver? Because I will. One way or another, we’re going down together,” he said as he released his bindings and stepped out of his snowboard. The snow creaked under the weight of his boots as he made his way over to me. “Come here.” He hooked his hands under my arms and hoisted me to my feet. “I’m going to lead you down. Just like we used to do before.”

My body immediately stiffened. In response, Sawyer placed a gloved finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. “Silver, look at me. You can take on anything you set your mind to. You’ve proven that time and time again. Just relax. You can’t be so tense. You’re not going to get anywhere if you keep locking up your entire body like that. I’m going to leave my board here and guide you down.”

“Don’t let go,” I ordered.

“I won’t. I promise.”

Slowly—very, very
slowly
—I began to conquer the hill. Once I started to relax a little, Sawyer let go of my hands and allowed me full command of my board. I even managed a few turns, though not without collecting some more bruises. By the time we met up with the rest of the group at the base of the hill, the chairlift was already shutting down for the night. For my one run, Sawyer’s friends had amassed at least ten. Even Maddie managed four trips.

“We’re gonna grab something to eat,” one of the guys told Sawyer. “You coming?”

“You can go ahead,” he replied. “Silver and I are going to do one last run.”

“What?” I gasped. “No!”

Sawyer grinned. “Yes!”

I was about to protest again, when Maddie hobbled over to us. “My boot is chafing and my stomach is sounding pretty pissed. Is it okay if I go out and eat with them?” she asked me. “Can Sawyer drive you back to the cabin?”

I shook my head and bent down to unclasp my bindings. “We’ll all go together.
Now
.”

“My board is still up there,” Sawyer said, placing his hand over mine to stop me. “One more run, Silver. I promise to deliver you back to Maddie in one piece. And maybe even buy you dinner on the way home.”

“You mean
breakfast
,” I corrected him. “By the time I get down again it’ll be tomorrow morning!”

“If I’m buying you breakfast it’ll be for reasons that have nothing to do with snowboarding,” he whispered in my ear, sending a rush of warmth through me.

“I’m leaving you in Sawyer’s capable, manly hands.” Maddie patted me on the back, then turned to Sawyer and delivered the most obvious wink I’d witnessed in my life. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

I laughed. “More like don’t do anything you
would
do, Mads.”

Sawyer returned Maddie’s wink. “Rest assured that my intentions with Miss Silver are most honorable.” His devilish smirk countered his attempt at Southern charm. “Let’s go.”

He ran over to the chairlift just as the operator announced that they were shutting down for the night. Sawyer convinced her to keep the lift going until we were at the top, promising that he’d ensure we both got down safely. She seemed hesitant at first, but the moment he fixed his gaze on her and flashed his grin, her resolve melted.

I cursed his charm once we were back at the top of the hill and my certain demise loomed ahead.

“I’m going to go halfway down and wait for you,” he announced. “Clear your mind. Don’t think about anything. Focus on the moment. Think you can do that?”

I wanted nothing more than to do that. Hell, right now, I
needed
to let go.

Inhaling a deep, icy breath, I said, “Yes, I can.” I’d never felt more certain. If I managed to conquer my fear of the snowboard, perhaps I could also triumph over the rest of my worries. “I will.”