Silver Heart (28 page)

Moaning Sawyer’s name and digging my nails into his shoulders only caused him to increase the rhythm with which he drilled into me. So I screamed even louder and cut even deeper. Even though we were united in every possible way, I still couldn’t get enough.

“Look at me, Silver,” he ordered, pressing his forehead against mine so that our eyes could meet. “Are you enjoying this present?”

“Yes,” I moaned.

Hell yes!
was more like it.

“Good.” His tongue flicked over my lips as he deepened his thrusts. “Because it’s going to get even better from here.”

His biceps flexed as his muscles tensed against me, and he was back to drilling his gaze into mine with so much strength and conviction that my insides threatened to shatter into a million pieces. Except now, we were not just eye-fucking. I had all of him. I was so full of him that there was nowhere else to go but up. Up, up,
up
into the clandestine, pleasurable space he was quickly leading me to.

Closing my eyes, I arched my back and threw my head against the wall, losing myself in that ascent.
Heaven
. That’s where I was going. Sawyer-created, sex-induced heaven. Titling my hips, I met his movements, flexing myself around him.

Sawyer was my perfect match—the ideal blend of affectionate and commanding, benevolent and demanding. I wanted to please him as much as I needed him to please me. Every nerve in my body stood to attention for him; each of my senses eagerly volunteered for his full domination. And, in this moment, the idea of fate and destiny suddenly no longer seemed so impossible.

“Open your eyes, baby,” he said as he rocked his body into mine, trapping my chin between his fingers so that he could pull my face to his. “Don’t leave.”
Something dark flashed in his light green gaze, and the impact of his words penetrated all the way into my core. “I want you right here with me, Silver
.”

In that instant, I knew with certainty that the meaning behind his demand ran deeper than just this present time. Yes, he wanted to witness the pleasure rolling through my body, but he also wanted me.
Period
.

“I…want…
all
…of…you.” He thrust harder, faster, deeper, and suddenly we were coming together in a synchronized rapture full of happy curses and gratified moans. His fingers dug into the backs of my thighs as he rocked into me for the final time, worshiping my name with a maddening roar.

My toes curled and my entire body shook as tremors continued to rock my insides, swirling ribbons of euphoria through me. The entire time, I didn’t dare look away from his eyes. It was such an intimate, sexy experience; we were not only sharing our bodies, but also merging our minds.

This present with Sawyer was chaotic and messy and painfully perfect.

So perfect it nearly broke my heart.

I collapsed into his arms, panting as I tried to catch my breath. His chest heaved against mine, uniting his warmth with my flushed skin. Though he was spent, he didn’t stop kissing my face.

“You’re amazing,” he murmured into my neck. “In every way.”

“So are you,” I told him honestly.

Until now, I had never given much thought to what kind of lover I wanted. Or, for that matter, what kind of lover I wanted to be. My sexual experience was limited to Ryder and Preston. And neither had left me even remotely satisfied, albeit for different reasons.

Sawyer just had to look at me or whisper my name, and I was already tumbling into a rapturous abyss. With a simple touch, he had the ability to provoke a response from me that I was certain no other man could ever achieve.

 “That was…” I trailed off, unable to find the right words to describe the inexplicable emotions that had rocked through me.

Impossible
came to mind. Because
that
had never happened before. I felt that orgasm in every single particle of my body. And then some.

Sawyer rested his forehead against mine and inhaled deeply.
“
That was me finally forgiving myself for losing the
Past Silver
,” he said. “That was also me enjoying the incredibly sexy
Present Silver
.” His words were followed by a peck on my cheek

He wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me into a long, deep kiss. “And that was me hoping to have a chance with the
Future Silver
.”

Sawyer and I spent the rest of the day inside the cottage, indulging in slow, sensual explorations of each other’s bodies, only coming up for air to answer calls from Maddie and the roadside assistance service. Finally, as darkness slowly smothered every last bit of daylight, we decided it was time to return to the resort.

During our walk back to his car, Sawyer paused every few feet to kiss away the fluffy snowflakes from my cheeks, nose, lips, and eyes. The blizzard was unstoppable. The snow kept coming, gifting us with more excuses to kiss.

I really was in Winter Wonderland.

The illusion lasted all the way back to the complex, filling me with false happiness as we parted ways to get ready for a double date with Maddie and Connor.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Sawyer sat on the edge of his bed with his head between his hands, refusing to look at me. We’d made plans to go to a restaurant in the village, but his mind clearly wasn’t on our date.

He was still wearing the same clothes he’d had on this morning in the woods. His hair was unruly, the dark locks going in a multitude of different directions. It was clear that he had been running his fingers through them—a habit he engaged in when he was upset about something.

Walking over to stand in front of him, I placed a hand on his shoulder and tried again. “What’s wrong, Sawyer?”

He finally looked up, meeting my eyes. The green of his irises looked faded, as if the color had been scrubbed away. “I just got a call about one of the qualifying events for the Olympics. They had to switch around the date for the tour.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, confused.

 “It means that I have to drive back to the States tonight if I plan on making it to one of the most important rides of my life.” He exhaled and rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m fucked if I don’t go. But if I do, then you and I—”

“Of course you have to go!” I blurted out. I couldn’t bear to hear the rest of that sentence.

His shoulders sank and his jaw tensed.

Had he been expecting me to say something else?

“I don’t want to leave you, Silver.” He grabbed my waist and pulled me to him so that his head was buried against my stomach. “This week has been incredible.”

“The best,” I whispered, tangling my fingers though his hair.

“You know, back when I was still living with Asshole and my life was so shit, I used to think that my heart was made out of ice,” he said.

Lifting his head, he looked up at me with so much pain in his eyes. His heartbreak pierced my chest and took my breath away. “The only thing that kept it beating was being around you. You were always able to thaw every one of my problems just by being there. Being you. Even before I ever kissed you, I knew that you were the one girl in the entire world meant for me. You’re my fire, Silver. You’re more important to me than any medal in the world.”

Oh, God.
He was killing me with his words. Tears crept up behind my lids. With a deep, shaky breath, I tried to will them away.

In how many ways could a guy break a girl’s heart?
Countless, probably, but I was pretty sure this had to be one of the worst ways to go.

“So maybe the two of us—”

“This is your chance, Sawyer!” I cut him off, trying my best to focus on
him
and
his
dreams. The more he talked about
us
, the harder it would be to let him go. “You need to embrace it.”

The upcoming Winter Olympics would mark the first time in history that riders could compete in slopestyle snowboarding, allowing Sawyer to qualify for the U.S. team. But it was a lengthy and difficult process that involved various competitions all the way up to two weeks before the games.

I couldn’t be the reason he missed out on any opportunities to show that he deserved a spot on that team. Not just because the entire snowboarding nation had been watching him closely, but because he truly loved the sport.

“Snowboarding is your destiny,” I told him. I had known it six years ago and I knew it now.

“What if you’re wrong? What if I have a different destiny?” His words felt hot against the thin fabric of my cotton dress. “What if she’s an even better destiny? What if, after six years apart, she’s finally back and I’m meant to never let her go again?” As he spoke, the tension in his arm muscles grew to an almost painful high.

I could barely breathe from the pressure. But I didn’t care.

“You’re meant to snowboard,” I repeated. My voice sounded so calm and collected, but my mind, body, and heart were trying to survive a terrible storm on the inside. “Everything else will fall into place, but you can’t miss out on a chance of a lifetime because of a ‘what if.’”

It pained me to say those words. Sawyer and I were definitely not a
what if
. This past week had proved that we were so much more. But, right now, both of us were traveling on completely different paths in life.

I had been subconsciously conditioned to live my parents’ dreams, but I had willfully chosen to love Sawyer. And now I was choosing to let him go. Deep within my heart, I knew it was the right thing to do.

But if love was supposed to be selfless, then why was this so freaking painful?

My mind flashed back to the day of Sawyer’s graduation. He wasn’t leaving for France this time around, but he may as well have been going to another planet. That’s how much I hurt.

“It’s just one day,” I reminded us both. “I go back home on Friday, anyway.”

“Do you want to come to California with me?” he asked, a slight trace of hope lifting his voice.

I couldn’t leave Maddie, though I had a feeling she would understand. My fear was that even if I went with Sawyer, it was inevitable that I would eventually have to return to my carefully orchestrated life. That’s what always happened, after all. The moment I tried to exert some kind of freedom, I was pulled back by my parents, guilt-tripped into submitting to their wants in one way or another.

“I have an interview for a summer internship on Saturday. In Denver,” I told him.

I had planned to stand up to my mother and pass on Dr. Forrest’s request to meet. But now that Sawyer was leaving, maybe it was best that I slowly began to return to my reality.

He tightened his grip around my waist. “I’ll come see you when I’m done,” he said. “We’ll find a way to make us work, you’ll see. We’ll be happy.”

“How many times have we played those wishing games when we were kids?” I asked. “Aren’t we too old for that?” Allowing ourselves to be deluded by the impossible would only hurt more in the end.

I felt his pulse speed up as it beat against my body. “It doesn’t have to be a game, Silver.”

He was holding me so firmly my head began to spin. My fingers dug into his back as I tried to merge myself with him. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go.

“What now?” he whispered against me, his voice strained and hoarse.

I kissed the top of his head. “Now you go qualify for the Olympics.” The words stung as they slipped past my lips, but they had to be said.

It was as if nothing had changed in six years. I still believed in Sawyer’s success too much to ask him to stay here with me. And I was still too much of a coward to stand up to my parents and take a risk on something I wanted. No amount of wishing for perfection in life could fix this predicament.

Sawyer took a deep breath and looked toward the bed. “Can we just have one more hour?” he asked. “I want to lie here with you, tucked away in our own world for a while longer. I want to hold onto you until the very last second. I
need
to, Silver.”