Silver Heart (30 page)

“Well, if I end up going in that direction, I’ll definitely need your help.” The problem was, that
if
was a really big
if
. An all-caps IF.
If
I gathered enough courage. If I decided to throw caution to the wind, let go, and lose control.

If, if, if
…

“I just dropped Mom off at the airport, but I’ll start working on softening Dad for you as soon as I get back to our hotel,” Adam promised. “I want to help you, Dylan.”

My phone buzzed with another call, but I ignored it, not even bothering to look at the display. Hundred bucks said it was my mother.

One more day of freedom. Please.

Ten seconds later, Maddie was calling my name and pointing to her phone.
The nerve of that woman!
With a wave of a hand, I signaled for her to ignore the call and returned to my conversation with my brother.

“There’s one more thing you should know, Dylan,” he said.

“What is it?”

“It’s about…” he trailed off.

“
About
?” I prodded.

Adam cleared his throat. “About Sawyer.” He coughed and cleared his throat again. “He’s a good guy.”

“Why are you telling me this?”
And why was he telling me now?
“Sawyer is gone.”

“Because…” Taking a deep breath, he said, “Uhh...”

Most of the time, my brother excelled at being straightforward. To a fault.
So what had him so tongue-tied all of a sudden?
“Just spit it out, Adam.”

“Right.” There was another pause on his end. Finally, he spoke, “The day of your high school graduation…Sawyer came back to the city. He had the summer off and two tickets to Europe in hand. He wanted to surprise you with a graduation trip.”

“
What
?” I couldn’t believe my ears. This was the first time I had ever heard about this. “What the hell are you talking about, Adam?”

“He had plans to take you backpacking around some of the most picturesque places in the world so that you could expand your photography portfolio,” he said. “When he came to ask Mom and Dad’s permission to take you away, Mom flipped out and ordered me to make sure the two of you never spoke. I think she was afraid that if you went away with him, you’d never come back. That was the overall premise, but she had a bunch of theories regarding what would happen—from you falling in love and getting knocked up to you discovering your passion for photography. All of them had one thing in common: you’d never end up going to Stanford.”

My mind was numb. “Oh, God. What did you do, Adam?”

“I talked to Sawyer and told him that you already had summer plans with Jason Peers.”

“
What?!
” A blazing bolt of anger pierced my chest. “I didn’t have any plans with Jason.” In fact, by that point in time, I wasn’t even talking to Jason anymore.

“I know. But I told him that Jason was taking you on a real trip. I said that a girl like you deserved luxury and five-star resorts instead of that backpacking and hostel crap Sawyer had in mind. I also told him that it was best if he didn’t attend your graduation ceremony because you couldn’t forgive him for leaving, and seeing him would mess with your mind.”

“
What the fuck, Adam?!
”

“I told a lot of lies, Dylan,” he sighed. “I was an idiot. And a coward. I didn’t know how to stand up to Mom and Dad, so I somehow convinced myself that I was doing you a favor. I’m sorry.”

“How could you do that? How could you say those things?” I screamed, not caring that people around me were starting to stare. “Sawyer was your friend too…”

“Please, please don’t hate me, Dylan.” His voice broke and he sounded like he was about to cry. “Allow me to make it up to you.”

“You’re my fucking brother!” I cried as I tried to gain my bearing. The world was too bright. The white snow was blinding, making me dizzy.

“Please don’t hate me.”

“I can’t hate you, Adam. But right now, I really, truly don’t like you. I’m going to need some time before I can get over this and accept your proposal to try and work on being siblings. A lot of time.” With that, I hung up. Placing my hands on my knees, I bent over and tried to steady my vision.

Adam and I would make up.
Eventually
. At least his coming clean was proof that he was interested in taking a different path than we had been on since…well,
forever
. As siblings, we had a long way to go if we really wanted to mend our relationship and make it into something real, but I couldn’t worry about us right now.

In this moment, the only thought on my mind was that Sawyer had come back for me. He had come back four years ago and I missed out on my chance.
Again
.

My anger melted into anguish. If fate really existed then she loved to fuck with me. No one should be forced to endure so many missed opportunities with someone they love. Or maybe fate just knew that Sawyer and I couldn’t be and was trying to spare me the pain. It didn’t matter. Any way I sliced it, fate was a bitch.

A sudden wave of nausea hit me.
I slipped off my jacket and tried to get some air, blinking back tears. My skin hurt, my throat burned, my heart shattered. Everything was broken.

What if I had gone to Europe with Sawyer four years ago? What would have happened?

I hurt for the memories that never were; I hurt for the “what ifs” that could’ve been dreams come true; I hurt for an “us” that I had let slip by.

Six years ago. Four years ago. Yesterday…

I don’t remember how I made it to the entrance of the gondola. Probably by looking at the ground, shuffling my feet, and tuning out Maddie and Connor’s voices. However, as soon as my foot stepped over the threshold of the cabin entrance, someone grabbed me from behind and gently pushed me inside, shutting the door behind us.

“This ride is three miles long. That means that you’re all mine for the next ten minutes,” he whispered in my ear. “In that amount of time, I’m going to make you realize that you should be mine even after that.”

My skin prickled with excitement as I spun around to face the owner of that incredibly intoxicating voice. “
Sawyer?!
” The gondola began to move, throwing me off balance. “What are you doing here?” I asked, reaching out to hold one of the handle bars.

“I just told you what I was doing.” His green eyes blazed. “Trying not to repeat the worst mistake of my life: letting you go.”

“How did you know—”

“Where to find you?” He nodded his head toward the cabin behind us. “Maddie told me. I tried to call your cell, but you didn’t pick up. So I called her and she said you were in line for this ride and I had two minutes to get my ass over here if I wanted to see you.”

“But…” I was at a loss for words. “The qualifier.”

He took a step forward, filling the distance between us with his tall frame. “I was almost all the way to the event when I realized that there will be other qualifiers. Hell, hopefully there will be other Olympic games. But there’s only one you. I want you, Silver.”

“We can’t always have everything we want.”

“Then I need you,” he shot back. “Don’t you dare dispute my needs.”

“I’m just trying to spare you from making a mistake,” I whispered.

“Not being with you is a mistake. One I’ve made way too many times.” He dipped his head toward my face so that we were a mere inch apart and I could admire the amber flecks within his eyes. They were such a beautiful golden-green. I could spend an eternity losing myself in them.

“Six years apart was way too long,” he said. “We should’ve known better.” The intensity of his gaze made me melt. I just wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and collide into him.

He pressed his forehead against the glass window and looked out. “You have no idea how many times I was in California during your school-year or in Colorado during the summer.” He shook his head and frowned, looking as if he was trying to expel memories of a time long ago from his mind. “You have no idea how many times I had forced myself not to see you. You have no idea how many times I had convinced myself that letting you go was the right thing to do!”

“Going to that Olympic qualifier is the right thing to do,” I reminded him. Maybe this wasn’t the time to bring it up, but I was afraid that he would end up regretting the missed opportunity. I didn’t want to be the reason all his hard work got flushed down the drain. “I can’t be the reason you miss out on your dream, Sawyer.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?
You’re
the dream, Silver!” he growled, turning back to me. “You’re way more important that any Olympic medal. I don’t mind losing out on this for us.”

“Every tour is important. Every event. Every jump,” I recited what he’d told me before. Though there were numerous ways to earn points toward qualifying for the Olympic team, the competition was tough.

He shook his head. “There will be other chances for gold medals, but there’s only one you.”

“But doing well on each event is extremely important for your overall score.” I felt like I was arguing with a stubborn child who didn’t understand that what I was saying was for his own good.

Or maybe I was the stubborn child who was refusing to embrace the gift standing in front of me.

“Stop twisting that curl.” Sawyer took my hand and threaded his fingers through mine, pulling me to him. His other hand cupped my chin. “Stop biting that lip.” As he leaned in even closer, his breath caressed my lips. “Stop
thinking
,” he said. “You know we belong together. Everything else will work itself out.”

I felt the power of his gaze.
Everywhere
. His eyes kissed me so hard that my legs began to tremble. “I want you, Silver. I want to own you. I want to make you mine in every way possible. In all the ways I was too afraid to do before. I’ve never loved anyone else in the world the way I love you,” he said as I struggled not to cry. “Hell, aside from Lyla, I don’t think I’ve ever actually loved anyone. In any way. You’re the reason that I was able to survive losing her. If it hadn’t been for you, I would have died right along with her.”

“If it hadn’t been for you, my entire childhood would’ve been devoid of all color,” I admitted. “You helped me see the world in a much different light than I’d been brought up to see. You made me laugh, you made me want, you made me cry—you made me realize what it truly meant to be alive. And you made me understand how important that life was.”

We had been two broken kids, too mature for our own good, each fractured in our own way. Sawyer’s pain was a million times most severe than mine, of course, but without him by my side I wouldn’t have been brave enough to do half of the things I had accomplished over the years.

I wouldn’t have questioned the world. I was already too much of a goody-two-shoes when it came to my parents, but at least Sawyer had challenged me. I wasn’t afraid to stand up to them when I knew he would be there to catch me in the aftermath.

When he left, I’d stopped fighting. This past week with him had made me realize just how much I had given up after his departure. I gave up a part of myself. I chose not to live a fulfilled life and be the person I wanted to be.

“You came to my graduation,” I said. It wasn’t a question, but Sawyer nodded. “Adam told me what he did. What my parents did. I’m so sorry.”

“It was my decision not to see you in the end,” he replied. “After Adam spoke to me, I realized that if I went after you I wouldn’t be able to hold back.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Hold back? From what?”

“I would have told you how I’d always felt about you. I would have been a selfish prick and asked you to decline your acceptance to Stanford and come away with me. I’d missed you like crazy in those two years apart and didn’t want a life without you.”

“But you didn’t,” I said. “Say any of those things…do anything…”

He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you, Silver. Partly because it would have destroyed me if you’d said no, but mainly because I hadn’t wanted to be the one to shatter your dream of being a doctor.” Smiling sadly, he added, “It’s funny how we’re both so concerned about protecting each other’s dreams.”

“Pre-med at Stanford was my parents’ dream, not mine,” I said. “I was so scared to say no to them, to follow my real dreams, but I’m not afraid anymore.”

Sawyer cupped my cheek, gently stroking my skin. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

“It means that maybe you’re right,” I said, nodding. “Maybe it’s worth taking a risk and trying to finally be together. It won’t be easy, but—”

He pressed his lips against mine, in a slow, sensual kiss that traveled from my lips all the way into my toes, slowly unraveling me. It reached the very depths of my soul, filling in for lost time and miles of distance, charging me with warmth and power.

“But we’re worth it,” he said when we pulled apart. “I promise you that.”

“I do have some conditions, though,” I murmured.

“Name them.” He caressed my bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. “As long as they involve more kissing.”

“For one, you have to let me drive you to the airport right after this ride is over. If you take the next flight out, maybe you can still make the tournament.” He was about to protest, so I pressed my fingers against his lips to keep him from speaking. “We both have to live out our career dreams to the fullest while we live the dream of being together,” I said. “Okay?”

Slowly, the tension in his jaw gave way and he nodded obediently. “What else?”

“As much as I would love to crawl into the safety of your arms and use you as my escape, I have to figure out my life on my own.” This was extremely important for me. “Sixteen-year-old Dylan would have had no problem using you as a crutch,” I explained. “I wouldn’t have hesitated in following you to the end of the earth and back.”

“Today’s Dylan doesn’t want to?”

“To tell you the truth, I want to. More than anything,” I admitted. “But this is my battle. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life without relying on your help. Or even Maddie’s. You guys have done enough to open my eyes and awaken my heart. This is on me now. I’ve been too afraid for way too long. I have to go back to Denver, stand up to my parents and figure out this mess.”