Sincerely, Carter (31 page)

“Going where?”

“To Ari’s mom’s house.” He crossed his arms. “You know what I’m talking about. She just sent out a mass text; though, I’m pretty sure she already told you…”

At that second my phone buzzed with the same text Josh had read aloud.

“So, are we going or what?” he asked.

“Not if her so-called boyfriend is there.”

“Why are you acting so jealous?” He cut me off.

“Because I am jealous.”

“Jesus. Get your shit together, man. You two haven’t really talked for over six months. Did you really think no guy would be interested in her over there? That she would just stay single and cry over you until you decided to tell her the truth whenever she got back? Like, I know you only recently realized just how goddamn sexy she is, but…”

“Are you trying to help me or further enrage me?” I gritted my teeth. “For the record, if it’s the latter, it’s definitely working…”

“Just talk to her.”

“I’ve tried.”

“No, you haven’t. And you’re not trying now. You’re growling, pissing everyone off, including the woman you’re trying to get back. But honestly, both of you are so stupid, I swear. Maybe you two had the right idea all along, though. Maybe you should’ve stayed ‘just friends’. ”

“I’m not trying to hear this from you of all people right now.”

“You’re not trying to hear anything. That’s the problem.” He leaned against the wall. “Outside of making dumbass comments all night, what do you plan on doing to get her to listen to you?”

“I’m not sure anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, I’m honestly not sure. She really has deluded herself into thinking that I only used her for sex last summer, that I didn’t love her at all.”

“You told her ‘not in that way’…That’s actually the
worst thing
you could’ve ever said. What was she supposed to think?”

“That I was doing what was best for her. She’s put her dreams on hold for a guy before…I didn’t want that.”

“You honestly think she would have stayed home from France if you’d told her the truth? Changed her entire future just for you?”

“
Yes
.” I looked up at him, daring him to question is further. “I’m pretty sure I know her ten times better than you do.”

He held up his hands in a slight surrender. “Well, if that’s the case, what are you going to do now?”

“Try as many times as necessary to make her listen to me…” I stood up. “Let’s go.”

Several months ago…

Before Ari left for France, I’d found her journal in her room. And by “found” I meant she left it open on her desk, underneath her passport and plane tickets.

I wasn’t going to read it; I hadn’t read it since sixth grade when I teased her about having a crush on the guy she wanted to kiss “so badly that [I] want to see the stars when his lips touch mine.” But I saw my name with hearts around it (More than once), so I shut her door while she was downstairs cooking and read:

Dear Janet,

Is it weird that I call you that instead of “journal”? Actually, it’s probably weird that I’m twenty three years old and keeping a damn journal to begin with…)

Anyway, I never thought it would happen to me, but I’m in love.

Hopelessly, foolishly, and deeply in love with the last person you’d expect: Carter.

And now I’m not sure what I want anymore…It’s true that love puts things in perspective. Before when we weren’t having sex, (Yes…we had sex and it was amazing…IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE actually.) I was hesitant about going away, but now?

Honestly, if he asked me to stay, I would stay. I got into two other culinary programs that are only a few hours away and I can still confirm if need be…I just…My heart has never felt like this before and I don’t know what I should do....

Talk to you later,

Ari.

PS—Since I started having Carter over all the time for...you know…My room is fucking spotless. You should SEE it! LOL

Knowing Ari like the back of my hand, I knew right then and there that if she did ever tell me that she loved me, it would probably be at the airport right before takeoff. (She was dramatic like that.) That she would probably expect me to say it back, and then she would cry and say that she could learn how to be a better chef in America, that she didn’t need to go overseas.

She would stay.

Because she’d done that before for another guy she liked: She went to the University of Pittsburgh—knowing that she didn’t really want to go, but she thought she was in love so she followed her heart instead of her dreams.

I loved her enough to want what was best, and I didn’t want her to do that again…So, I vowed to be as stoic as possible on the day she left—kissing her one last time definitely, but if she told me she was in love with me before takeoff, I wouldn’t let myself say it back.

Track 31. You’re Not Sorry (3:22)

I stood in the kitchen with my mother, marinating chicken in barbeque sauce while she tossed a salad.

“I like Sean,” she said, smiling at me.

“I do, too.” I looked outside the window where he was helping Nicole set up seats in the backyard. “He’s perfect, honestly.”

“How so?”

I thought about pulling out my spreadsheet and showing her how he was a perfect ten in the “intensity of the kisses” and “genuine conversations” categories, but I’d held back.

“He does the sweetest things for me in France—calls me to wake me up every morning, runs with me on the weekends, listens to me whenever I want to talk…He’s also an amazing kisser.”

She laughed. “An amazing kisser?”

“The best guy I’ve ever kissed.”
Except Carter…

An image of Carter kissing me at the EPIC party—controlling my lips with his, suddenly ran across my mind and I forced myself to brush it away.

“He said he wants to ask me something over dinner tonight when everyone is here,” I said. “You think he’s going to propose?”

“This early?” Her eyes widened. “I would hope not.”

“He’s not.” I said, laughing. “I like him a lot, though…You think you could see us together long term?”

“Not sure; although I‘ve always thought you would end up with Carter.” She smiled, setting down the salad.

“What? When did you think that?”

“I’ve always thought that. I still do.”

What the…
“Do you not see Sean, my current boyfriend, out there?”

“I do,” she said. “I think he really cares about you, but I know the two of you aren’t in love…I know for a fact that Carter loves you more than you’ll ever know.”

“Because he’s upset that I have a boyfriend? Because he’s being rude and mean to me?”

“Because he was here every week that you were gone, asking about you, wanting to know if we’d talked, hoping you would call while he was here.”

“Right...”

“It’s true.” She held the cheese grater up to my face and I saw that there were tears welling in my eyes. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I think, and I think, whether you want to admit it or not, that you belong with Carter.”

“He said he didn’t feel anything for me when we…”

“When you
what
?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about my sex-life with my mom, but she was the closest thing I had to a female BFF so I let it out. “We had sex before I went abroad…We actually had sex a few times…” I paused, waiting for a shocked reaction, at least a gasp, but I got nothing. “And I um…I asked him if he felt something between us changing, because I definitely did. I asked him if he had feelings that were more than friend-like, if he felt like there was something more than sex between us, and he said no.”

“You asked him that in person?”

“No. It was in a text message. Same thing.”

“It’s really not.” She clucked her teeth. “Maybe there’s a reason he said that.”

“Yeah, to tell me the truth and to confirm that we should’ve never had sex…Could you at least try to look surprised about all of this? I had sex with him. Sex. With. Carter.”

She laughed. “I’m not surprised at all, Arizona. I’m only shocked it took this long for it to happen.”

“Are you sure you’re my mother?”

“I don’t think you should make any drastic decisions until you talk to him in person. He’s still your best friend.” She gave me a light kiss on the cheek and hugged me before walking outside.

I wiped my face on my sleeve and chopped a few more pieces of chicken, cursing myself for not bringing the cutlery set I had in France with me.

Ugh…I’m turning into a cutlery critic…Culinary school symptom number one…

“Arizona?” Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“Yes?” I smiled.

“Can I ask you something?” He kissed the back of my neck and slowly let me go.

“Anything.”

“I told you I’ll be asking you something in front of everyone at dinner, but before that…” He hesitated. “Would you be willing to leave with me tomorrow?”

“
What
?” That came out of nowhere. “Why?”

“I’m not talking about leaving the States,” he said. “Just this part of the beach. You know I only live five hours away so I was thinking we could go see my hometown for a day or two? We can still come back here before flying back to France.”

I hesitated, thinking about what my mom said, about wanting to know if Carter had a reason behind hurting me so terribly, but I couldn’t think of a single worthy one. “Of course.”

He kissed my lips. “Care to join the rest of us outside now?”

“Very much so…” I kissed him back, now hoping that Carter wouldn’t show up to see whatever he did have to say…