Sinful Purity (Sinful Series) (23 page)

“Okay, let’s go. You can take me wherever you like. I’m yours.”

“I like the sound of that.” He winked at me as he started his truck.

First Street was just like Zack described it. It was a small one-way street lined with shops. Each shop had a red-and-white awning over its window. There were groups of strolling singers and vendors, giving the whole street a carnival-like feel. It was quaint, like something from a bygone era. Zack and I walked up and down both sides of First Street, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells. I was having a wonderful time.

We were approaching the end of the timeless innocence and enchantment when I saw a homeless man on the other side of the intersection. His face was dirty and sore-ridden. His clothes, while numerous in layers, were filthy and torn. Living the sheltered life I had, I had never seen anyone like him. In front of him he had a large, dirty, partially bent cardboard sign. In thick black marker it said, “The Godly Distort the Truth.”

In a hoarse, weathered voice, the man chanted as he waved his sign. “The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded. The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded.”

Shaken and frightened I said, “Zack, look at that poor man.”

The man continued to chant, “The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded.”

“At least I’m not the only one who sees it,” Zack remarked snidely.

“Zack, that’s awful,” I chastised him. “That poor man needs help,”

“Hey, I’m just saying that as messed up as that bum is, he sees it.”

“Sees what?” I asked angrily, wanting to see if Zack would really say what I knew he was thinking.

“He sees the truth, Liz. The truth,” Zack retorted with even more anger.

“That’s not a fair comparison, Zack. He’s troubled. He needs help.” I began to cry.

“Well, you don’t know how he got that way, do you? Huh, Liz?”

“Zack, don’t you dare finish that sentence. Just take me home,” I demanded.

“Fine, I’ll take you home. But you know it’s true, Liz. Somewhere inside you, you know things aren’t right.”

I didn’t say a thing. Not one thing the entire ride home. Zack was right. There was something amiss at MIQ and St. Matthew’s. Something heinous that made innocent children sick and sisters fight with villainous
strangers. Something so unsettling that everyone was kept on a short leash, fearful of ever straying too far. And I was caught in the middle.

When we pulled up to my dorm. Zack turned off his truck and turned to me.

“Liz, I want to be with you, all of you, with nothing trying to pull us apart.” I could hear pain and sincerity in his voice.

“I love you, Zack. And I want to be with you too. You know that. I’ve already given you all of me. I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s the only past I have.” The pain and sincerity in my voice was just as real.

“I know, Liz, I know. I’m really trying. It’s just hard. You’re always so hot and cold. You’re here one minute and gone the next.”

“Zack, I’m always here.”

“I mean emotionally, Liz. Sometimes you just don’t seem you. Caleb tells me to give you time, that this is all new for you. But I don’t feel like that’s it.”

“Zack, I’m here. Every part of me is here with you. I promise. And Caleb’s right, this
is
all new to me. It’s frightening and exciting all at the same time. You’ve done this all before, the whole girlfriend thing. I haven’t, but I’m really trying.”

“Believe it or not, Liz, I’ve been with girls before, but not like you. I’ve never had a relationship like I do with you. I’m trying too.”

“Good. Let’s go try together, up in my room.” I smiled wickedly, kissed him quickly on the lips, and hopped out the truck.

“I’m all for trying,” Zack chuckled as he followed me upstairs.

Wednesday arrived, the day I’d been dreading. I would have to confess my sins with Zack to Father Brennigan. He wouldn’t be happy. After worrying all day and imagining the play-by-play that was certain to occur, I arrived at the church at five. I waited in line for confession, sweating every torturous second. Finally it was my turn. I entered the confessional and knelt down for judgment.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession.”

“Tell me your sins, child.”

“I only have one, Father.” I paused.

“Very good, my child. Go on.”

“It’s a biggie, Father.” I paused, again unable to utter the words.

“Tell me your sins, child,” Father Brennigan ordered, more firmly this time.

“I am guilty of giving in to the sins of the flesh, Father.” I choked back a sob.

“Am I to understand this sin has already taken place?” The fierceness in his voice was severe.

“Yes, Father. That is what I am confessing.”

Father Brennigan sat motionless for a moment. Then he stood without uttering a word and walked out.

I couldn’t believe he had just walked out of the confessional. Could a priest do that? Just walk out? Weren’t they supposed to give you your penance and then absolve you of your sins? Could a priest just reject you like that—and during confession, no less? I waited in the confessional for a few minutes to see if maybe after Father cleared his head, he would come back. He didn’t. When I heard Mass begin, I got up and left, not only the confessional but also the church. Tears streamed from my eyes and stained my cheeks. As I left I only saw one face on me: Sister Christine’s. She was watching me intently, watching my every move. I was sure she was trying to ascertain the horrid sin I had attempted to confess. The sin that had forced Father Brennigan to leap from his chair to escape my very presence. I didn’t wait for Zack to pick me up; it would be at least an hour before he’d arrive. I just wanted to be alone in the cold night air. I breathed deeply the frozen vapors, freezing my soul in place. I couldn’t face anyone, not right now. The shame was too great.

By the time I reached the dorm I felt a little better, a little stronger. I could breathe a little easier and hold my head a little higher. Then it crossed my mind, a thought so horrible and so blasphemous that I didn’t even want to accept comprehension. But I did. For the first time in weeks, perhaps even months, it was Wednesday and I wasn’t sick. I tried to think of all the things that were different about today. Only the image of Father Brennigan leaving the confessional before granting me absolution kept resurfacing. Over and over I tried to isolate the differences of my day, and over and over the image of Father Brennigan arose. Was that the answer? Could Father Brennigan have something to do with the malevolent happenings at MIQ and St. Matthew’s? My mind raced forward to the argument I’d overheard between Sister Christine and the strange man. Maybe he wasn’t strange at all. Until tonight, I had thought I’d never heard Father Brennigan’s voice
angry. But thinking back to my humiliation in the confessional, his voice seemed familiar. Even in all its venomous glory it seemed familiar. Could it have been Father in Sister’s office that day?

I had so many questions and so few answers, but for once my head was clear, unclouded. At around nine o’clock there was a knock on my door. It was Zack. Oh my God. I’d forgotten to call him.

“Liz! Are you in there, Liz?” I heard Zack’s panicked voice call.

“Yes,” I called back, opening the door.

“I went to St. Matthew’s. The nun in charge told me you left, that you didn’t stay for church. Are you okay?”

“Oh, Zack,” I cried, tears and sobs rushing out all at once. “It was horrible. I tried to confess.”

“Confess what, Liz? You’ve never done a bad thing in your life.” Zack rubbed my cheek as he hugged me.

“Confess us. I had to confess our sins. The ones we share together,” I sobbed.

“Oh, Liz. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. We don’t have to do that anymore. Not if it makes you feel this bad.” Zack was sincere, honest in his offer.

“No, Zack, I love being with you. Even if it is a sin, I love it. I chose to sin with you. I can’t take that back, nor do I want to.” I kissed him softly, hoping to heal his breaking heart.

“Then I don’t understand. Why are you upset?”

“Because I confessed. And Father Brennigan refused me absolution. He refused to forgive me. He just stormed out of the confessional.”

“Oh, Liz. He’s just a jerk. You can’t mind him, honey.”

“But he’s my priest. I’m supposed to mind him.” I sobbed some more.

“He’s still human, Liz. Humans make mistakes.”

Zack just held me for what seemed like hours until the light broke through my window.

“I have a great idea,” Zack said. “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. Let’s you and I stay in bed together all day and do nothing together.” He gave me the sweetest grin.

“That actually sounds pretty good. A day off—I like it.” I smiled back. “Oh, but what about Sister Christine? Tonight’s my night to do chores at MIQ.”

“I think after last night she’d understand if you called in sick.” Zack kissed me as he pulled the blankets over our heads.

Just like that, it was decided. We were staying in bed all day together until we could once again face the outside world. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t frightened. I didn’t even feel guilty anymore. I was warm and safe and happy wrapped in Zack’s embrace. It would be him and me against the world, but at least not for the next few hours.

For the next few weeks, I didn’t see Father Brennigan. He always managed to avoid me. I still went to confession and Mass every Wednesday and kept my work schedule at both MIQ and St. Matthew’s. Even with all the time I spent around there, Father kept his distance. He refused my confessions and had Father Michael sit in. During Communion Father Brennigan would trade places with another Eucharistic minister when he saw me in his line. Every blatant brushoff made my heart seize in agony, in rejection. But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t feel guilty any longer. I loved Zack and knew all the way to my soul that what we were doing wasn’t wrong or sinful.

Zack became very supportive. We almost never disagreed anymore. I think he liked having me to himself, or perhaps even more he liked me not being owned by the church. It was never any secret that he’d thought they kept too tight a hold on me. An “unnatural bond,” he’d say. But I didn’t see it as unnatural. It was all I knew. My whole life, St. Matthew’s was the only place I belonged. Now, the moment I strayed the tiniest bit, they turned their back on me. Well, I couldn’t really say “they.” Surprisingly, Mother Superior almost seemed pleased by Father Brennigan’s and my falling out. I just imagined the unhappiness of others gave her great pleasure. But deep down I still had that gnawing feeling. The feeling that I was missing the mark, that Mother Superior wasn’t enjoying my misery but was instead relieved. I couldn’t understand why. I knew it had something to do with all the arguments I’d seen and overheard her having. I knew that whatever the answer might be, it would explain everything—Sister Christine’s haggard appearance, the mystery illnesses sweeping the orphanage, and even my own clouded thoughts. I needed to find the cause but I had no idea where to look. How I wished Brett were here. He was so good at all things stealthy. I just wasn’t. I couldn’t keep a secret to save my life.

For my eighteenth birthday, Caleb kept his promise and threw me an incredible party—at the Tripping Donkey, of all places. All three of my
friends were there, Caleb, Lucy, and my one and only Zack. Of course, with Caleb planning the party, there were many, many more partygoers besides. I just didn’t know them all. It looked as though most of the college had showed up. Caleb even hired a live punk band. Lucy and Zack had picked me up at the dorm, blindfolded me, and driven me to the party. My heart was in my throat with excitement and nervousness. They walked me to the door. I could hear the music and laughter from inside before I even went in. When Zack removed my blindfold, I was amazed by the elaborateness of the whole celebration. As soon as I walked in, Caleb was waiting for me with open arms.

“Happy eighteenth, Liz!” he hollered over the clamor.

“Oh my God, Caleb. This is incredible!” I said excitedly.

“I told you parties were my thing. And if I remember correctly, I owed you a big to do for your birthday. Since you’re dating my best friend and all.” He smirked, reminding me of the time I’d sworn I would never have anything to do with Zack.

“Oh, Caleb, when am I ever going to learn not to doubt you?” I smiled and gave him a huge hug. “Thank you. This is more than I ever could have imagined.”

“No problem, Liz. It’s time you start living it up.”

“I thought I already was.” I laughed, kissing Zack on the cheek.

Zack nudged Caleb. “Hey, man, the band’s a nice touch.”

“Yeah, I thought so. The drummer, Taylor, is a friend of mine. He sort of owed me a favor.”

I looked over at the stage and saw a taller, thin-framed boy wearing all black. He had light brown hair with red spikes and was sitting behind a bright red drum set that matched his hair perfectly. As I glanced over at him, he raised his left arm with drumstick in hand and pointed right at me. The band then broke into the wildest rendition of “Happy Birthday” I think anyone had ever heard. I was so embarrassed and honored all at the same time. I was important enough to my three best friends for them to go to all this effort just for me. The only thing that was missing was Kelly and Brett, and they were all the way in California.

Caleb, Lucy, and Zack made my eighteenth birthday completely magical. Never in my wildest dreams could I have even hoped for a night like this. Sharing my first birthday party with Zack made me think of last year, sitting in MIQ’s courtyard with Brett in front of my first birthday cake.
The cake Zack brought me was stunning. It was more lavishly decorated and larger than my first cake, although there was still something to be said about the understated, pale pink frosting flowers of Brett’s cake. But this was my first birthday party, and like my many firsts I shared with Zack, it was more than a little enjoyable.

My eighteenth birthday was one of the most important days of my life so far. First, no longer being a minor, I was legally free of MIQ and St. Matthew’s. Neither Father Brennigan nor Sister Christine could ever make me go back. The worst they could do was to revoke my scholarship. Second, my birthday with my friends showed me that I would never again be alone. Now I had true friends I could trust. And more importantly, I had someone who loved me. I had Zack.