Single Mom Seeks... (14 page)

“Where would he have gone if you weren’t here?” he asked, anguished. “And then what would I have done?”

“It doesn’t matter, because I am here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Lily! I don’t—”

She was done talking. She put her arms around him and pulled him to her, leaned back against the big, pillowed end of the couch and stretched out, pulling him down beside her until his head was on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her. She’d have thought she was asking him to bend steel in his spine, the way he had so much trouble simply accepting that bit of comfort from her.

Was the man so unbending?

“Just close your eyes and tell yourself he’s upstairs,” she told him. “And he’s safe—”

“Your girls—”

“Are asleep in my bed. I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep, and then I’ll go up, too.”

She leaned down and kissed the top of his head and his forehead and then his lips, just once, then tightened her arms around him and relaxed into the feeling of having a big, strong, for once incredibly vulnerable man in her arms and gave him what comfort she could.

And she tried, she really tried, to tell herself not to fall in love with him. They were just having fun, enjoying each other’s company, enjoying being alive.

It wasn’t love, but it was enough, Lily told herself.

He didn’t even know he loved Jake, when it was so clear to her that he did, and the way Jake told the story, Nick still thought he was only here with Jake out of a sense of duty and obligation. A man like that wouldn’t have even given a second thought to loving a woman or maybe even believing he could love her or stay with her.

Lily could have cried herself to sleep, if she’d let herself.

Instead, she’d come down here to comfort him, because for now, he was here and she could have him in her arms and try to make things better for him and Jake.

Tomorrow, she’d try to figure out how to make things better for herself, to protect herself from both of them, if that was even possible anymore.

Jake stalked back home the next morning, his uncle following behind him. They walked into a kitchen that still smelled like Scotch, and without saying a word, worked together to clean up the mess. Then Jake went upstairs, took a shower and headed off to school.

He wasn’t going to say he was sorry for something he didn’t do.

He wasn’t.

He was halfway to his friend Brian’s house to catch a ride to school when a silver BMW stopped beside him. The window came down and there was Andie.

Wow.
Never would have believed anything like that would be waiting for him this morning, or that anything could happen that would make him really not care about the mess of the night before.

Life was just full of surprises, and they weren’t all bad, he was discovering.

“Want a ride?” she asked.

“Sure,” he said, going to the other side and getting in.

She looked like she’d had as tough of a night as he had, and he felt bad about that. Really. “Did you get your mom home okay?” he asked.

She nodded, didn’t seem like she wanted to talk about that.

“Nice car,” Jake tried. And it really was.

He’d never been in a BMW before, just admired them from afar. The ride was so smooth, and she didn’t do anything but barely hit the gas and off it went. The car would probably fly.

Jake couldn’t wait to get his permit. Not that his uncle would be eager to let him do that now.

“This is my mom’s car,” Andie said. “I didn’t think she’d be going anywhere today. Or that she should go anywhere today. She probably won’t even be awake today until I get home. So I took it.”

“I didn’t tell anybody about…anything,” Jake said. “If that’s what you’re worried about. And I won’t tell anybody. Promise.”

She didn’t look like she believed him, but he couldn’t make her. She’d just have to wait and see, because if he hadn’t told his uncle last night, he wasn’t going to tell anybody.

“I’m really sorry my mom…I saw the way she was acting with you. She flirts when she drinks too much. It’s really disgusting, and sometimes I wish she’d just die and get it over with. I mean…Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I mean…Your parents…I heard…I’m sorry. You must think I’m awful to say that about my mom.”

Jake shrugged, trying to play it off.

No big deal.

He had no idea how to handle the topic of his parents’ deaths when kids his age brought it up or what to say. It wasn’t like there was anything he could really say, after all, to make it better.

“Look, we both have stuff to deal with, and we’re dealing, right? I just…You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to say anything about your mom. And if you get into a spot again and need somebody to help you with her, you can call me. I won’t mind.”

Yeah, Jake thought, hoping the next time he helped her out it wouldn’t lead to World War III between him and his uncle.

Nick had been watching Jake leave, because he wanted to make sure he was gone before he started searching the house. He figured he had to do that, at least, to see…Well, just to see what else he might have missed.

He’d start in the kitchen and try to remember every drop of liquor he’d brought into the house. The Scotch, he remembered, came from a buddy of his in the marines who lived in town. He’d brought it to Nick’s sister’s funeral, and they’d had a drink together afterward in his sister’s house, and it had ended up in a box of kitchen stuff that Nick had brought here when he and Jake moved in.

So he’d search, find everything that was here and pour it out.

Then he was going to search Jake’s room.

He didn’t think he had a choice.

He had to know what Jake was doing. He had to keep him safe, as best he could.

Beyond that…

Nick swore long and loud, then glanced out the window and down the street in time to see Jake get into a little silver BMW.

What the hell?

Nick didn’t know anybody who drove a car like that.

He didn’t think, just reacted. A minute later, he was in his car following them, thinking they could be going anywhere, doing anything, and what would Nick know about it?

A thousand lousy, scary possibilities ran through his head.

But all they did was drive to school.

Jake and a girl, a scarily attractive blonde. It might be the same one who’d been in Jake’s room that day.

“Oh, hell,” Nick muttered.

No fifteen-year-old boy could think straight around a girl who looked like that.

Nick wondered if she was the one who liked Scotch, if she was the one Jake was covering for, because honestly, he’d probably do anything for a girl like that.

So Nick went home and searched every inch of Jake’s room and didn’t find much of anything. No drugs. No alcohol. A few condoms and some magazines, but Nick didn’t think any fifteen-year-old’s room was without those.

He was trying to figure out where to search next when the phone rang.

He grabbed it, hoping in an instant that it was Lily, but all he got was Joan, ready to tell him that he was in no way cut out to be a father to Jake.

Don’t I know it,
he thought bitterly.

H
e did not intend to see Lily that day, thinking it would be best to back off a bit, to think, to make sure he was taking care of things here with Jake, instead of running off to enjoy himself with her.

He was here, after all, to take care of Jake.

Not to fall for a woman.

Not that he’d ever really let himself fall for a woman.

He didn’t intend to need her, to depend upon her or to lean on her, and yet he’d done all of those things. And when he sat back and thought about it, it was damned disconcerting to realize how entangled they’d become in each other’s lives.

That it had distracted him from seeing obviously troubling things going on with Jake was even worse. He’d never shirked his duty because of a woman. He wouldn’t do that now, no matter how much he liked being with her.

Which meant it was better to deal with this now, before they got even more entangled with each other and before he really hurt her. Honestly, he’d never wanted to hurt her.

And it wasn’t fair to her, to keep going with this, when…

Well, it just wasn’t fair.

Nick leaned into the kitchen doorframe, looking out across their yards, to her kitchen and saw her there, looking back at him.

She knew too much. She saw too much. She wanted more than he wanted to give, and he was sure she knew that, too.

Like anything could ever be simple with a woman like her.

So this was one more thing he’d screwed up and needed to fix.

Grimly, he opened the door and headed for her house. She held her head high and tried to smile, and he felt like a complete jerk, but forced himself to go on, to do this.

“Jake was on the way to school this morning when he got into a car with a girl. A girl with a little silver BMW, looked brand-new. I think it was the same girl who was in our house with him that day. Does Andie Graham have a silver BMW?”

“No,” Lily said. “But her mother does.”

“Then it was her.”
Great.

“Wait, did they actually go to school?” Lily asked.

“Yeah. I followed them, watched them walk all the way inside. Then I went back to the house and searched his room. I could have taken the place apart without him knowing about it, but then I thought maybe I wanted him to know that I was watching him that closely, so that maybe he wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

“Did you find anything in his room?”

“No. But that doesn’t mean there never was anything there.”

“I know, but he seems like a really good kid, Nick. He’s almost always at home if he’s not at school, and you’re almost always there with him. I’m just saying, he doesn’t have much of a chance to do anything really bad, does he?”

“Yeah, but if he wanted to find a way, he could. Kids can always find a way, and their parents have no idea what they’re really doing or what kind of trouble they’re in until it’s too late. I’ve seen it, Lily. I know what the world’s like out there.”

“No, you know what the worst of it’s like. Not what most kids are like,” she argued, coming to him, touching him with a hand on his arm, when he’d purposely stayed away, not letting himself touch her. “Maybe you’ve just seen too many bad things, Nick.”

“I know I have,” he admitted. “I absolutely know it.”

“Look, you should know Jake’s convinced you don’t really want to be his guardian, that you’re going to try it for a few months, but that in the end, you’ll go back to your old life and he’ll go to someone else. It may have just been that he was upset last night, but that’s what he said, and I thought you should know.”

Nick nodded, trying to remember exactly what he’d said in front of the kid and what he hadn’t. It had just been such a shock. His sister dying. Her husband dying. Them wanting him to take Jake.

He thought in the end, he’d just said,
We’ll give it six months and see how it goes.

Sounded reasonable to him, but he could see now it wouldn’t exactly be reassuring to a fifteen-year-old boy who didn’t know where he’d go next if things didn’t go well between him and Nick.

He tried to remember exactly what he’d offered Lily, too, and didn’t remember much more than saying he wanted her, and could he just sneak over here to see her when her girls and Jake weren’t around.

Not much to offer a woman, either, and yet that’s what he’d done.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” he said, kicking himself for hurting her, too.

And he didn’t really have to say more than that.

She knew.

“It’s last night, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Last night, I realized Jake was in trouble, and that I’d missed it. I missed it completely, probably because I’d gotten too caught up in you, and it was nice, Lily. It was really nice between us, but it’s not why I came here. I came here to take care of him, and I’m blowing it, and that has to stop.”

“Right,” she said. “It’s not that you got really scared when you realized how much you love him, how you might lose him, too. And it’s not that you realized you’d gotten used to having him in your life, when you’ve never really done that before. And it’s not that when you were really scared last night, instead of being alone and having to handle it all on your own, you came to me. You wanted me. You even, for a little while on the couch late last night, let yourself need me, and that’s just not something you’re willing to let yourself do.”

He just stared at her. “I said it was good, okay? It was really good, but you knew it wasn’t going to last. It’s why you didn’t want to get involved with me in the first place, remember?”

She nodded, tears in her eyes but not falling, chin up, still fighting with that quiet, rock-solid strength of hers that he admired so much. “You’re just scared, Nick. That’s all.”

But it was more than that.

It was him, the way he’d always been, the way he always would be.

“I really am sorry,” he said again.

She nodded. “Fine.”

“Lily—”

“But I hope you know, it’s not going to be this easy for you to walk away from Jake as it is for you to walk away from me.”

To which Nick said nothing.

He felt sick just thinking about it and what he’d already done.

Jake came home and found that his room had been searched. Thoroughly. Fuming, he went downstairs to find his uncle, who was in the garage doing something under the hood of his car.

“Find what you were looking for?” Jake growled.

“You know I didn’t,” his uncle said, standing up to face him.

Jake would have slugged him right there if he hadn’t known he’d get his ass kicked. Still, it was tempting.

“So, are you satisfied that I’m not doing anything? Or is this the way it’s going to be from now on?” Jake thought about what he’d said, then felt even worse, even more furious. “No, not from now on. Until you leave?”

“Jake—”

“Is this what it’s going to be like? I just want to know. It’s my life, after all.”

“Tell me what really happened yesterday.” His uncle tried.

“I did. And you didn’t believe me. You still don’t believe me, even though you searched my room and didn’t find anything. So just…believe whatever you want. I don’t care anymore.”

And then he stalked off to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Lily worked like a fiend the next few days, lonelier than she’d ever been, heartsick really.

Damned, stubborn man.

Mr. I-Don’t-Need-Anybody-and-I-Never-Will.

She ripped old carpet out of Brittany’s room, pulling and tearing and generally making a huge mess, taking out at least some of her frustrations through her work. Brittany would not be happy, and neither would Ginny, because they’d be rooming together for a while, as Lily redid the wooden floors in their rooms and painted, maybe installed new light fixtures.

Basically ripping out everything she could, just for the satisfaction of it.

“Stupid man!” she muttered, kicking a rolled up strip of carpet downstairs, watching it land with a satisfying thud at the bottom, then heading back to the bedroom for more. “Stupid, stupid man!”

The next time she kicked a piece of carpet down the stairs, she almost hit Jake, who was standing in her living room.

“Was that aimed at me?” he asked.

“No. Sorry. I didn’t know you were there.”

“I knocked, but…I think you were yelling and didn’t hear me,” he said, looking really unsure of his welcome.

“I’m taking my frustrations out on carpet. Want to help?”

“Sure,” he said, climbing over the mess she’d made and heading up the stairs.

Lily put him on the other end of the room gave him a hammer, to get up the strips of tacks holding the carpet in place, then thought of something. “Shouldn’t you be in school right now?”

“Yeah,” he admitted, shrugging like he didn’t have a good explanation, just hoped she’d understand.

“Your uncle won’t like this,” she warned.

“So?”

Lily gave him a look that she hoped said his attitude was completely unproductive and didn’t show how much she sympathized with him in having to deal with his stubborn uncle.

“Everybody makes mistakes, Jake. You can’t just give up on him,” she reasoned, because no matter what went on with her and Nick, Jake was his and Jake needed him.

“Why not? He gave up on me and you both.”

So, he knew. Lily had worried that he did and wondered what he’d think of that. “Well, I haven’t given up on either one of you,” she claimed.

She was hurt. She was lonely, and she was good and mad, and maybe she was a fool, too, but she hadn’t given up.

She still thought the man would come to his senses and realize he could have a life here, a really good life.

Whether it was the life he wanted…That was another story.

“Do you think he was really happy before? When it was just him and that job of his?” Lily asked, tugging with all her might on another piece of carpet.

“I don’t know. I never really thought about it,” Jake admitted. “I mean, he kept doing it. Why would he keep doing it, if he didn’t like it?”

“Because…he didn’t know what else to do? Because he didn’t know his life could be different, and that he could find another life that he liked better than the one he had.”

A woman had to hope, didn’t she?

He’d certainly seemed…content, at least, with her.

Of course, he could have just liked having someone next door for regular, no-strings sex and a home-cooked meal every now and then, while he was biding his time here with Jake for another couple of months.

Was he really like that?

Had Lily completely misread him?

She didn’t think so.

But she was scared and sad and so lonely she ached.

“I thought this would have to be really boring compared to what he’s always done,” Jake said. “I mean, he’s been all over the world. He used to send me and my brothers and my mother the coolest presents, and the postmarks were from some of the wildest places. I always thought he was the greatest.”

Still, he could have been lonely, Lily told herself.

He could be sick of it all, if he’d just let himself admit it.

Was that too much to ask of the man?

“Grab that roll of carpet, and I’ll take your scraps, and we’ll load up my car and throw it away later,” Lily said, and off they went downstairs and into the open garage.

“I’m sorry he was such a jerk to you,” Jake said, stuffing the carpet into the back of her SUV while Lily held the back end open. “I’d beat him up for you, if I could, but—”

Lily laughed and gave him a quick hug when he was done. “My hero. That’s sweet.”

Jake blushed, rolled his eyes and then looked as lost and sad as Lily felt.

“I was thinking,” Jake said. “Once my uncle’s gone, that…I might be able to stay here? I could help you out with the house, and I could stay with the girls if you needed to go out. I wouldn’t be any trouble, I swear—”

“Oh, Jake,” Lily said, ruffling his hair.

“No?” He looked panicked at that.

“No. I mean, I’m not saying no. I’m saying…it’s complicated. Your parents named your uncle as your guardian, and you can’t just pick someone else and move in with them. It doesn’t work like that,” she tried to explain.

“But he doesn’t want me—”

“You don’t know that. You just had a fight, that’s all. Teenagers and their parents and their guardians fight. It happens. Surely you had fights with your mom and dad?”

“Yeah, but they would have never given up on me,” he said, then got all choked up. “Of course, I didn’t think they’d ever leave me, either.”

“Oh, Jake.” Lily wrapped her arms around him and held on while he sobbed.

Poor baby.

She looked up and saw Nick standing by the front door of his house, watching them, his expression looking as hard as something carved out of rock, like it might crack if he showed the least bit of emotion.

Damned, stubborn, stupid man!

“Jake, we will figure this out. I promise. And you are always going to have someone who loves you and will take care of you. That’s the most important thing you have to know. You will never be all alone in this world.”

But he sobbed like a kid who was facing just that.

Being absolutely all alone in the world.

Jake felt like such a baby, crying in front of Lily, asking if he could come live with her.
God!
Even worse was thinking she might have taken him in that way. He’d thought she really cared about him, that he could count on her, even if neither one of them could count on his uncle.

Stalking back toward the house, he thought if he had to one day, he could go to his brothers’ at college. They’d put him up for a while. And then…he just didn’t know.

His Aunt Joan’s wouldn’t kill him, he supposed. He could make her leave him alone, if he really tried. Or at least, push her away. He could be really good at that, it seemed.

Jake walked in the kitchen door, and there was his uncle, on the phone, saying, “I can’t make him talk to you, Joan.”

Because Jake had been avoiding her very successfully for the past few weeks. Disgusted with them all, Jake held out his hand for the phone.