Read Sinners & Saints (Sinners & Saints #1) Online
Authors: Chelsea Ballinger
“I
don’t do this. I haven’t said these words to you even when I was nice. I don’t
even remember even telling Mom this. I always thought men shouldn’t say it to
each other. But things have changed and you were right. Ever since Juliet
arrived… I’m changing. I’m happy. And I like it. I can feel it and I want it. I
want that feeling. I want,” I close my eyes for a moment, “that love.”
The
term peaked August’s interest. He lifts his head up and stares at me.
“I
love you.” I spit it out. It’s like the gravity that has been holding me since
birth is finally releasing me. “You are my brother. My twin. You are a half of
me that I have forever been grateful for. In our screwed up family, you are the
only one who has ever made sense. It’s always been you and me, August and Hugo,
and I love that. I love us. I love you.”
August
begins smiling to himself and laughing. He pushes me and I grab him by his
shoulder, pulling him in for a hug.
“I
love you too, Hugo,” he whispers and I clench my jaws to keep myself from
crying. My heart is lifted and that black door that has locked me in for so
long has finally been open. It reveals everything and in the end it is okay. I
would be okay. We would be okay.
“I
love you too, Juliet.” I unlock our hug and see Juliet standing behind us,
smiling and wiping her face of tears. “Love you too, August.”
“August,
you should come with us to the music festival.” She walks up to him with her
hands behind her back.
“No,”
he shakes his head frantically. “I don’t do well in crowds and sounds. No.”
“That’s
why I brought you these.” She pulls out a pair of giant headphones. “They block
out most sound. You will be in your own world… with us.”
He
snickers as she places the headphones on his head, firmly covering up his ears.
He
holds his finger up. “We will see if bad things happen. I’ll panic and it will
be all your fault. Not mine.”
“Okay,”
she says laughing and we watch as he leaves out. “Oh God, I hope he doesn’t
panic,” she mumbles and I laugh.
“Good
job, Mandrake,” she softly says, but the hope in her eyes tells me that she is
waiting for me to confess to her.
“So,”
I step closer. “I guess now would be the right time to let you know that I have
never been sure of a lot of things, but when it comes to how I feel about you,
I am sure of it to the core of my soul… I love you, Juliet. I am in love with
you and I can hardly breathe due to it.”
“Don’t
die on me, now,” she says softly and grins.
“I
won’t.” I press my hand to her cheek.
“Good.
Glad to know the pain of being in love with you is okay.” I lean in but she
presses her fingertips to my lips again.
“What
is it now?” I ask.
“I
have a gift for you also.” She pulls out what appears to be my sunglasses. I
laugh a little as she opens them up and places them on my face. “You earned
them… and now it doesn’t matter what you use to cover it up. I’ve seen your
soul.”
“You
are my soul,” I softly say and pull her against me, kissing her soft lips and
enjoying my new role as Hugo Mandrake, devoted love of Juliet Spears and
whoever the hell else I want to be.
We arrive to the festival and so far
the music is loud and the people are colorful. Meaning high as hell. It is
magnetic, I must admit. The freedom of everyone surrounding us illuminates all
over the island. Even through my dark shades I can see it. I can see a lot
through them now. No longer just darkness in my shades, just beauty within that
darkness.
I
stay close to my brother in the back of the crowd of thousands. But he is
smiling. He is okay with those giant headphones on his head. Juliet dances with
him and I can’t help but smile at it. She’s okay with staying in the back away
from the crowds to help him feel comfortable. She’s okay with my, well,
everything. Especially the flaws I reconcile to the world. She is becoming
everything to me.
CODY
“Are you enjoying yourself?!” I yell
trying to ask Anika as she screams along with Poppy, holding hands while the
music booms through the crowd. Jordana is not screaming like them but for Poppy
she is making an effort.
“What?!”
she asks, her eyes squinting up at me.
“I
was just,” I roll my eyes at my failed attempt at conversation. “Nevermind.” I
shake my head, rubbing my temples. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just scream
with the rest of them and just
—
I don’t
know
—
roll in the
grass. Oh yeah, I’m sort of allergic to it.
I
don’t realize that she slides her hand around my neck pulling my head down
close to her. I can feel her lips almost touch my ear and I instantly get hard.
Yeah, the struggle is real for me.
“Thank
you for inviting me,” she whispers loud enough for me to only hear amongst the
roars and beats. I pull back and watch as she smiles broadly at me. Carpe Diem
just flashes in my brain. My grandpa once told me to live by that but my late
blooming puberty and my long-term awkward stage halted all the seizing the day
moments for me. But now I can do it. I have a fine, sexy, beautiful girl
smiling up at me. I should seize this moment. Embrace it. Fuck it.
I
slide my arm around her waist and pull her towards me. Her eyes are shocked but
I think turned on by my sudden gestured. I grab hold of her chin and tilt my
head down, pressing my lips against hers. The last girl I kissed was my study
buddy back at the university. She let me grab her boobs and gave me a hand job.
I thought that was the best day of my life, but no. This right here. Kissing
Anika. I think this is the best day of my life.
29
SCARLETT
This is nothing.
“Rebecca.”
I go into her room. She isn’t doing so well since that night. Deep down she
knows something happened to her and I am here to confirm it. “I need to talk to
you.”
“What
is it?” she asks as I sit next to her. “How have you’ve been doing?” I ask her.
“Not
so good. I’ve been having nightmares.”
I
give her my sympathetic look and rub her back. “I found out some stuff about
that night.”
“What?”
she asks scared.
“Hugo
has been bragging about that night to a friend of ours, Chad Michelson. At
first I didn’t believe him because Chad is a known troubled guy, but then I
started to think about this one time when I thought I saw pills in Hugo’s room.
I thought they were medication, but they seem like it and you said you only had
one drink, right?”
“Yeah,”
she nods. “You think he drugged me?”
“I
don’t know, sweetie. I hope not, but we need to talk to your mom and Patrick.”
She
shakes her head in fear. “No. Scarlett, you promised.”
“That
was before I knew that you were possibly… oh God… raped, Rebecca. We can’t let
Hugo get away with this. God knows who else he has done this to. I used to be a
person I’m not proud of along with Hugo, but even then he sometimes scared me.”
I cup her chin and let the false tears fall from my eyes. “I couldn’t bear the
thought of something bad happening to you, Rebecca. We need to go to them and
talk about that night.”
She
starts to shake and cry. “I didn’t… I didn’t want to believe it, but I’ve
always known. I can’t believe this is happening.” I pull her into me, laying
her head on my shoulder, my chin resting on her head.
“It’s
okay,” I smile. “We will get through this together.”
CODY
We get back from the festival in the
middle of the night. Anika is amazing and I boldly invite her to stay longer
and surprisingly she says yes. We all sit around for a while. Each of us
excusing ourselves. Hugo and I go into the kitchen to get one last drink.
“So
you’re in love and shit, huh?” I tease him.
He
gives me a blank stare.
“Fine,
don’t spread the newfound love.” I start to head out.
“You’re
a good person, Cody,” he says suddenly. I turn around and shake my head just to
make sure I heard him right. “You just don’t have a fucking backbone.”
“There’s
the asshole I know.”
“You
have a really good possibility right now. Just tell your mom the truth. Anika
is in the top of her class, studying to be an attorney, and she’s black. Your
mom is one of the best neurosurgeons in the world and she’s black. She’ll
probably see something in Anika that she saw in herself.”
“Basically,
the fact that Anika is a strong, independent, black, intelligent female could
be in my favor?”
“Yep,”
“As
borderline racist as that is… you’re right.”
“Also
stop overthinking shit. Especially when you get in that room. Don’t overthink
it.”
I
appreciate what Hugo says but easier said than done.
I go into my room and see Anika looking
through my artifacts. She looks back at me, smiling. “You’ve been all over.”
“Yeah,”
I stuff my hands in my pockets as she faces me. “I love to travel.”
“I hope to travel one day. My sister
says she’ll take us someday. She travels a lot.”
“You have a sister?”
She pauses and gives me a funny look.
“Um… yeah. We rarely keep in touch.”
She seems uncomfortable about it so I
move along. “So, do you have a particular place you would like to visit?”
“No,” she shakes her head staring at
—
oh God. It’s my Scooby Doo stuffed
animal. I love Scooby Doo. She probably thinks I’m a child. “I love Scooby
Doo.” She smiles at me and again my nerves are cleared.
How does she do that?
She makes me nervous and yet not nervous at
the same time. Never knew that was possible.
“So, you can sleep in the bed and I can
take the floor or the couch if you’re comfortable.”
She looks at me, confused.
“Or,” I nervously laugh. “Or I could
just have our driver take you home.”
She
laughs. “Are you serious right now?”
“Yeah,
I should’ve not… I mean, shouldn’t of assumed that you would be spending the
night. I’m so sorry.”
“No,
Cody.” She arches her brow. “I am spending the night. I just don’t understand
why you would suggest you sleeping… well, not sleeping next to me… in
your
bed.”
My
mouths drop and I pick it right back up. “Uh-Uh-Uh… well.”
“Breathe,
Cody.”
“I…”
I am such an idiot for this. “Anika, look, my whole life I was known as the
dork, the geek and I blame God for it because I think he wanted me to be humble
by delaying my hair growth and muscle definition and I am thankful for the
person I am, but still I always felt he could have gave me something. Shit, to
all my cousins I was known as the awkward black kid. That scars you for life in
the African American family, okay? I’m talking too much. I just want… I’ve…”
She’s staring at me waiting with her eyes wide and I might as well tell her
because I’m sure the stuff I’ve already said has turned her off. “I’ve never
had sex before.” I say it slowly and my heart stops in anticipation.
I
wait and I wait and… she laughs
—
giggles in
fact
—
in this
sexy cool way.
She
doesn’t say anything. She just takes off her shirt. No really, she is taking
off her shirt. She has a black with pink lace bra on. I drop the bottle of
water I have in my hand.
“Cody,”
I think she says my name. “Cody.”
“Yeah,”
I respond quickly, forcing my eyes from her bra to her face.
“Shut
the door.”
“Yes,
mam,” I say and willingly and gleefully shut the door.
JULIET
I wait too long for Hugo to come to his
room. When he finally does, he is very pleased to find me standing in the
middle of his room, naked.
“I did
promise you a reward,” I tell him.
“You
did.” He smiles and steps closer.
Suddenly,
his smile turns into a slight frown.
“What’s
wrong?” I ask, scared I am doing something wrong.
He
licks his lips and sighs. “Sometimes, staring at you hurts.”
“That’s
not really what a girl wants to hear when she’s standing in front of you
naked.”
“Nobody
has ever caused my heart to ache in such a wonderful yet painful way… but you
do.”
“Take
off your clothes,” I say softly. My heart quickens as he unbuttons his shirt.
“Everything
you do is calm and cool,” I say as he takes off his shorts along with his
underwear. I stare him up and down slowly before continuing. “Those were the
words that came to mind when I first saw you. Along with beautiful.” I shrug.
“Cool, calm, and beautiful. I knew you were amazing before you did. So did
Scarlett. That is what we have in common.” I step closer to him. “But she will
never love you like I do. I love everything about you. I can’t wait to
experience so many adventures with you. I make your heart ache. You set mine on
fire.”
“What’s
the difference?” he asks smirking.
“Hell
if I know.” I gaze down to his lips. “Is it possible to love someone more than
any other person on earth who loves someone?”
“I
think you and I are on the path to building up that evidence.”
He
can’t take it much longer and neither can I. Even though in a hurry for him to
be inside me, I can’t help but appreciate the longer moment of us just standing
there in the middle of his room, naked—not only our bodies, but our
souls.
He
lays me down on his bed and makes sure to grab a condom this time. When he rips
it open with his teeth, well that is enough to make me come right there. Who
does that? Who just rips the condom open with their teeth so coolly like that?
Hugo… and the men in films and television. He turns me over on my stomach and
hooks his fingers through mine and lays his head on my shoulder. I can feel his
breath on my ear and the whispers of my name and all the dirty things he wants
to do to me is stimulating. He enters me from behind and slowly he moves inside
me. Everything starts slow and it just makes it more intense. He knows what to
do. Of course. But it doesn’t matter how he knows; I am just grateful that he
does. I love this man and the feeling of him inside me would be forever the
best feeling in the world to me. Well, until I suffer a stroke at seventy and
need to be in a wheelchair. But maybe if I’m lucky… Hugo would be there,
helping me through it. I see a future with Hugo and the way he looks at me, the
way he kisses me, the way he pours his heart to me, and the way he makes love
to me is the evidence of that possibility because he feels the same. I moan as
he pushes deeper and I push back. My eyes widen as I push back harder and he
whispers, “Oh God.”
“I
love you,” I whisper along with, “God, I love you.”
Some
positions you find to be more pleasurable than the rest when it comes to love
making. This one is possibly it for me. The only con for it is that I can’t
look him in the eyes, but his firm kisses on my cheek vouch for the fear of the
less intimacy of it all. I moan louder as he sinks deeper and faster. I always
find the scenes where people come together bullshit, but I swear we do. I
scream his name and he groans loud and soft in my ear. His breathing blows on
my face and his kisses frantically come and I giggle.
“Oh
God,” he says between breaths. “God that felt good. God, you feel so good.” Our
hands are still locked into each other and he is still inside of me, but we
don’t want to separate. We fear separation would lead to downfall. That’s how
scared we both are of this said love. He finally pulls out of me and goes to
the bathroom to dispose of the condom. I turn over on my back and wait until he
comes back and lays his head on my chest. I comb my fingers through his hair as
he wraps his arms around me, still breathing heavy.
“I
don’t usually make sounds during sex,” he whispers.
“You
don’t usually do a lot of things when it comes to me,” I say in confidence.
“You’ve
ruined me.”
“You’ve
ruined me too, you know.”
He
laughs a little. I feel his mouth vibrate against my chest and it tickles.
“I’m
going to take you on a date.”
“What?”
I grin.
“I
figured that’s what boyfriends do, right?” Like a schoolgirl, the term
boyfriend makes my heart light up like a Christmas tree.
“I
thought we weren’t labeling it.” I want to keep my cool, but knowing him, he
could feel me smiling.
“I
said fuck it.” He lifts his head and looks at me. “I might as well stake a
claim on you before school starts.”
“Worried
someone better and more deserving might come along?”
He
frowns. “There will always be someone more deserving of you. I have been given
your love by the sole grace of the God I’m beginning to believe in.”