Six Crime Stories (3 page)

*****

Unfortunately
,
no amount of pretending he wasn
'
t there made Daffodil/Antifreeze go away. No matter how fast I walked
,
he always stayed right beside me.

Talking.

"
I
'
ve battled zombies before
,
you know
,
"
he said.
"
The key is research. Knowing their habits when they were alive
,
because they
'
re creatures of habit.

"
Research is key. Also plenty of rock salt.
"

I hurried across Decatur Street
,
crossing against the light in the hope Starbulk might get tagged by a rent-a-car.

He didn
'
t.
"
Not to worry
,
Gerald
,
"
he said
,
clapping me on the back.
"
If I can handle Sven Yula and the Thrice-Born Guillotiness on my own
,
the two of us will have no trouble at all with that louse Johnny Murder.
"

I picked up my pace
,
but Starbulk stayed by my side. The more he talked
,
the more convinced I became that the guy was a flat-out lunatic.

"
The only thing that has me worried is the possibility that Mr. Murder is something other than a zombie
,
"
he said.
"
He could be a shape-changer
,
after all
,
or some other sorcerous creation. That would be a whole other kettle of fish
,
my friend.
"

Though I said nothing
,
Starbulk kept right on talking. As we crossed the streetcar tracks and walked up the steps onto the platform
,
I seriously considered punching his lights out before the streetcar rolled up.

"
The fact is
,
if the man Ms. Deschannel saw is some kind of ensorcelled doppelgänger
,
things could get hairy.
"
Planting himself in front of me
,
Starbulk touched my arm and stared at me with an expression of grave concern.
"
Now
,
listen
,
Gerald
,
"
he said.
"
I
'
d like nothing better than to team up with you
,
but you might be in over your head on this one. I want you to know there
'
s no shame in bowing out of this case.
"

I hadn
'
t said a word since leaving Destine
'
s table
,
but I couldn
'
t let that one go without comment.
"
Funny
,
"
I said
,
brushing off his hand and folding my arms over my chest.
"
I was just about to tell you the same thing.
"

"
Actually
,
"
said Starbulk
,
"
I have another cause for concern about you. I have doubts about your objectivity in this case
,
given your history with the zombie suspect.
"

I swear
,
if the streetcar hadn
'
t come along just then
,
I would
'
ve gone ahead and slugged him.
"
My objectivity
'
s just fine
,
"
I said slowly.

"
Murder killed your girlfriend
,
"
said Starbulk
,
"
and three of the street performers who were under your protection. Can you honestly tell me that won
'
t negatively impact your performance?
"

"
The only thing negatively impactin
'
me right now
,
"
I said as the streetcar stopped at the platform
,
"
is you.
"

I pushed past him into the streetcar
,
and for a moment
,
I thought maybe he
'
d stay behind. Unfortunately
,
as my change rattled down into the farebox
,
I heard his cowboy boots clomping up behind me.

"
That
'
s all I needed to hear
,
"
he said.
"
As long as your personal history isn
'
t a factor
,
I feel confident in keeping you onboard.
"

Sighing
,
I slumped onto a bench
,
and Starbulk dropped down beside me.
"
This all reminds me of another adventure
,
"
he said.
"
Just as in this situation
,
I worked with someone who had a history with an adversary. In the end
,
I was able to help Dr. Cuppet defeat the Inner Demon as well as his own thirst for revenge.
"

I got up and moved to the bench on the other side of the streetcar
,
but Starbulk followed. Though the ride to Harrah
'
s would be brief
,
I had a feeling it was going to seem a lot longer.

I was right.

*****

When we got to the casino
,
I looked up Inside Charlie
,
a buddy of mine who works security there. Truth is
,
I owe him a lot more favors than he owes me
,
but he always comes through because we go way back.

When I asked to take a look at some video off the security cameras
,
Charlie told me he
'
d have to break five different rules to do that...but he did it anyway. Only problem was
,
Starbulk talked his way into coming with us
,
laying it on about how Q. Liz had hired him to track down Murder
,
and it being her dying wish and all
,
he felt obliged to participate in all aspects of the investigation. He played up the story about being my long-lost half-brother
,
too
,
even though I pointed out it was total horseshit. In the end
,
Charlie being Charlie
,
and Starbulk being with me (whether I liked it or not)
,
Daffodil/Antifreeze got an invite
,
too.

Back in the monitor room
,
Charlie found the tape from the high-stakes poker room between noon and two P.M.
,
which was about when Madame Destine had said she
'
d spotted Johnny. Charlie ran the tape on fast forward
,
and we all stared at the screen
,
watching the dealers flip out one hand after another and the huddled figures around the dozen or so tables slide out bets.

There was no sign of our guy from noon to one o
'
clock...but Starbulk made Charlie pause the tape around one-fifteen. Jabbing a finger at the screen
,
Starbulk pointed out a wiry figure at the furthest table back
,
a slouched-over character wearing a ballcap and sunglasses.

At first
,
I didn
'
t see the resemblance...but Charlie zoomed in on the guy and I got a better look. Take away the cap and shades
,
I decided
,
and sure enough
,
it could be Johnny.

Which led me to a question.
"
How the hell
'
d you spot him?
"
I asked Starbulk.
"
Charlie and I both knew him personally
,
so how the hell
'
d you pick him out first?
"

"
Research
,
"
said Starbulk
,
patting my shoulder.
"
I studied his photo. I studied his file on the flight down here.
"

"
What file?
"
I said
,
shrugging off his hand.
"
The police file? F.B.I.?
"

"
My
file
,
"
said Starbulk with a wink.
"
Knowledge is power.
"

I stared at him
,
wondering for the first time if there was more to this nut than he was letting on. Wondering if he was somehow connected to this Johnny situation in more ways than getting hired by poor Q. Liz...if she
'
d ever hired him in the first place.

"
All right then
,
"
I said
,
turning to Charlie.
"
You got time to follow this up
,
mon ami
? Maybe see what else our boy there been up to on his visit this afternoon?
"

"
Sure
,
"
said Charlie
,
stroking his salt-and-pepper mustache.
"
I
'
ll see what I can find. How
'
bout I give you a call?
"

"
You got my number
,
"
I said
,
patting the cell phone under my aloha shirt. At that very instant
,
the phone rang
,
and I fished it out of its harness on my belt. The number on the little green display screen was my buddy Just Dexter
'
s
,
so I answered the call.

"
Yo
,
Dex
,
"
I said.
"
What
'
s up?
"

"
Get your ass to Charity Hospital
,
pronto.
"
Dexter always has the jitters (though his gimmick is posing as a human statue) but this time he sounded extra-jumpy.
"
Father Sees-All took a beatin
'
. Says Johnny Murder did it.
"

"
Aw
,
shit
,
"
I said
,
and then I bolted out of Harrah
'
s as fast as I could get my two-hundred-ninety-nine-and-a-half pounds to go. Starbulk
,
naturally
,
stayed glued to my side like a barnacle I couldn
'
t scrape off.

*****

Little did I know when I got to Father Sees-All
'
s room that I was walking into the middle of an impromptu meeting of the French Quarter Artists and Psychics Association.

Father Sees-All was propped up in bed
,
looking bad...one eye swollen shut
,
face and arms all bruised to hell. Eight
'
Sociationers were arranged around him
,
all but Dexter glaring in my direction at once when I bounced in.

Though no one seemed to be too glad to see me
,
I hustled right over to the bed. Dexter shrugged
,
hands stuffed in the pockets of his chinos like always
,
and opened a space for me at Father
'
s feet.

"
Geez
,
Percy
,
"
I said (Father
'
s given name being Percy Thibodeaux).
"
What the hell happened?
"

Father
'
s voice was a croak. He sounded like he was hurting.
"
Saw that son of a bitch Murder
'
bout to go in Switch Hitter
'
s. He caught me lookin
'
an
'
came after me.
"

"
Switch Hitter
'
s?
"
I said
,
wondering what big
,
bad Johnny Murder
'
d want in a salon specializing in makeovers for cross-dressers and bondage queens.

"
Chased me down Dauphine an
'
beat the livin
'
shit outta me in an alley
,
"
said Father.
"
Only thing he said was
'
Keep your nose outta other people
'
s business
,
you wrinkled-up old rasta.
'"

"
Now hold on a minute
,
"
I said.
"
That
'
s all he had to say to you?
"

"
I guess he was too busy kickin
'
my ass to talk much
,
"
said Father.
"
Then
,
he took off before I had the chance to pick up the conversation.
"

"
He just took off like that?
"
I said.
"
How come?
"

"
Got bored
,
maybe?
"
said Father.
"
Had reservations at K-Paul
'
s? How the hell should I know?
"

"
And you
'
re sure this guy was Johnny?
"
I said.

"
Wouldn
'
t
'
ve called him Johnny if I wasn
'
t
,
would I?
"
said Father
,
sounding progressively crabbier.

"
But you
'
re the one who killed him
,
"
I said.
"
If that was Johnny
,
wouldn
'
t he kill you back? Wouldn
'
t he at least
'
ve had somethin
'
more to say to you?
"

"
Maybe he
'
s lettin
'
bygones be bygones
,
"
said Father.
"
Now
I
got a question for
you
,
hot sauce. Wha
'
chu doin
'
to keep this fool from hurtin
'
someone else?
"

"
I got the same question
,
"
said Bobby Bocci
,
the shell game and three-card monty king.
"
What
'
s the plan?
"

"
I
'
m workin
'
on it
,
"
I said
,
guessing I
'
d be better off keeping the details sketchy.
"
Puttin
'
the pieces together. It takes time.
"

"
It didn
'
t take Percy much time to find him at all
,
"
said Professor Ludwig von Waterglass
,
a.k.a. Cyrus Sullivan out of Pueblo
,
Colorado...a silver-haired hippie who plays musical glasses of water.
"
Maybe we ought to put
him
in charge.
"

"
What
'
s the holdup
,
Po
'
Boy?
"
said High Markie the unicyclist.

I didn
'
t appreciate the full-court press
,
and I was about to make a smartass remark...when the big bass voice I
'
d come to hate spoke up behind me.
"
We are at war with dark and terrible forces
,
my friends
,
"
said Starbulk.
"
Such a war cannot always be won quickly...but make no mistake
,
it shall be won.
"

For a long moment
,
everyone in the room was silent as Starbulk
'
s words settled in. I cringed
,
waiting for the reaction I expected...namely
,
disbelief and sarcasm. Maybe laughter.

What I got was something else altogether.

"
Dark forces?
"
said Lady Claudette the palmist
,
touching the gold ankh pendant at her throat.
"
So Johnny
is
a zombie?
"

Starbulk shouldered in beside me
,
shaking his head.
"
I thought so at first
,
"
he said
,
"
but now I
'
m leaning toward a shape-shifting golem of some kind. A black magic doppelgänger taking the form of a notorious killer.
"

Gustav Gretchen the painter/poet/flatulist popped the unlit cigarette from his mouth.
"
Why not a zombie?
"

"
As Gerald pointed out
,
"
said Starbulk
,
clapping a hand on my shoulder
,
"
a zombie Johnny should have reacted more violently when faced with the man who took his life. Therefore
,
I suspect that the only thing this creature has in common with Johnny is his physical appearance.
"

"
Can such a creature be stopped?
"
said Lady Claudette.

"
Fortunately
,
yes
,
"
said Starbulk.
"
By a twelfth-level shaman such as myself. I
'
ve defeated such beings many times using the techniques taught to me by the Tibetan lama Zi Lung Chu
,
and I am confident I will succeed in this case as well...if we locate the Murder doppelgänger
,
that is.
"

"
What do you mean
,
'
if
'
you locate him?
"
said Professor Waterglass.

"
We
'
re dealing with a shape-shifter here
,
"
said Starbulk.
"
That
'
s why he
'
s been so difficult to track. He may favor the form of Johnny Murder
,
but he could reshape himself to look like anyone.
"

"
Anyone?
"
said Gustav Gretchen.
"
Even one of us right here in this room?
"

"
Theoretically
,
"
said Starbulk.

At that
,
the
'
Sociationers cast suspicious looks at each other and spread apart
,
putting extra inches between themselves and their potential shape-shifter neighbors. Only Just Dexter and I stayed shoulder to shoulder
,
watching as the rest of the group bought into Starbulk
'
s insane notion.

"
Isn
'
t there any way to see through his disguise?
"
Lady Claudette said in a hushed voice
,
staring intensely at Bobby Bocci.

"
My colleague
,
Penny Thoughts
,
could do it via
mind-reading
,
"
said Starbulk
,
"
but she
'
s on assignment in Morocco and can
'
t be reached. I
'
ve put in a call to Twenty-Twenty
,
the man with the golden eyes
,
but haven
'
t heard back from him
,
either.
"

"
So what are we supposed to do?
"
said Gustav Gretchen
,
running a long-fingered hand over his shaved and tattooed scalp.

"
Watch for suspicious behavior from those around you
,
"
said Starbulk.
"
Ask questions of a personal nature. Wear protective talismans on which the pentacle
,
cross
,
or Star of David are prominent. Avoid open flames and pregnant women.
"

As Starbulk rattled off his crazy recommendations
,
I saw that all the
'
Sociationers except Dexter seemed to be taking him seriously. Even Bobby Bocci and
"
cashstrologer
"
Silky Freedom
,
who were both cynical thieves
,
looked like they were buying into Starbulk
'
s fantasy.

I finally decided I
'
d had enough and elbowed Dexter.
"
Be right back
,
folks
,
"
I said
,
leading him out the door
,
but no one seemed to hear me. They were all busy listening to Starbulk talk about the eating habits of shape-shifting golems.

"
So who the hell is that guy
,
anyway?
"
said Dex on our way out of the building.

"
Some nut claims Q. Liz hired him to find Johnny
,
"
I said as we stepped outside. We
'
d gone from air-conditioned comfort to hot evening air so thick with moisture it was barely breathable...but it still felt great to be away from the claustrophobic scrutiny of the pissed-off
'
Sociationers.
"
Calls himself Quinto Starbulk. Also claims he
'
s my long-lost half-brother.
"

"
Is he?
"
said Dex
,
pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his chinos.