Sleep Peacefully (20 page)

It
doesn’t take me long to realise that there’s someone behind me. The roads are
quiet and whoever it is isn’t doing a very good job of remaining inconspicuous.
Although they have stayed a good few car lengths behind me, I know it’s the
same car that has been tailing me since I left the pub car park back at the
lake. I decide to keep driving. I don’t fancy getting out of the car and
confronting whoever it is on a lonely country road so late at night.

I
slow down and adjust my rear view mirror, trying to get a better view behind
me. The car doesn’t slow and creeps quickly into view. The headlights blind me
at first, but I can now clearly see the car and immediately know the identity
of my mystery stalker. I pull over into a lay-by and patiently wait until the
car pulls up behind mine. I hear its engine switch off. The driver gets out to
meet me at the side of the deserted road.

“What
are you doing following me, Dan?” I ask bemused, peering into the window, to
the back seat of the car where I can see Josh on the right-hand side, sound
asleep, dressed in his pyjamas. I look back towards my husband and tilt my
head, silently pushing him for an explanation for his being here. Dan rubs at
the dark stubble on his face, then rests his hand on the back of his neck.

“I
called you five times earlier tonight,” says Dan. To say he seems a little
pissed off is an understatement. I scowl at him, then reach for my mobile from
my pocket and check the display. Sure enough, I have missed five missed calls,
and have three unanswered texts from when I was at Milton Point. How did I not
hear my phone ring? How had I not noticed the missed calls?

I
suddenly feel guilty. “God, I’m sorry, Dan. Time just seems to have slipped
away today, you must have been worried sick.” I shuffle uncomfortably from foot
to foot. The gravel under my boots crunches loudly.

“I
called your mum eventually. I assumed you must still be with her and Ryan,” Dan
continues. “She said you had left them hours ago. Where have you been, Nat?”

“I
went up to Milton Point,” I tell Dan honestly. “It’s been a hard day. I just
needed some time alone.” Tears fill my eyes, although I’m not too sure why.
Maybe the importance of today’s date has finally hit me.

“I
thought you might have gone to Milton Point, so I went up to find you. But when
I arrived you weren’t there.” Dan shakes his head and chuckles sarcastically.
“I must say I was a little confused to see your car parked at a bar as I passed
on my way back home.”

Shit!
Now I know where this conversation is going. He must have seen Adam follow me
out of the pub, saw me saying goodbye to him at the doorway. He thinks I’m
seeing someone, that I’m having an affair.

Dan
seems to read my thoughts. “Who is he, Nat?”

“It’s
not what you think Dan, you have it totally wrong.”

“Really?
Then enlighten me. Tell me who the hell the guy is that I saw you coming out of
a pub with, at nine o’clock on a Friday night. Who is this mystery man that
you’ve not told anyone about?”

I
stay silent, wondering where to start, already feeling anxious with guilt for
purposely lying to him during the past couple of months.

“Are
you having an affair, Nat?” says Dan. He sounds angry, but it’s the
disappointment in his tone that hurts me the most. “Is the baby his?”

I
stare at him, my mouth falling open, anger building gradually inside me. God,
he’s got a nerve! He’s seen me with another man for a couple of minutes, and
jumps to the conclusion I am pregnant with his baby. I know Dan has always had
a jealous streak. If I’m honest, I’ve always found it quite an attractive
quality. I sometimes like the way he thinks of me as only his. Tonight though,
it’s nothing but ugly.

I
hold up my hands to him in protest. “You are so far off the mark Dan, how could
you even think I’d do that?” My head snaps away from Dan’s disgusted stare, and
instinctively moves to Josh. He is still sound asleep in the car where Dan left
him, thank God, I don’t want him to see us like this.

“The
man you saw me with is Jess’s ex,” I say, as if he is stupid.

“What,
you mean some ex-boyfriend?” asks Dan, undoubtedly perplexed.

“Try
ex-husband,” I reply, not bothering to attempt to play down my sisters past
actions. I’m too angry, too exhausted. “He was married to Jess when she was in
Australia. It was a brief affair, but it happened,” I add frankly.

Dan
looks at me, dumbfounded, as I continue.

“He’s
here visiting his sister from Australia, and I managed to track him down
through one of Jess’s old e-mails. I thought he might have some answers as to
why she died. She didn’t fall from the cliff that night, Dan. The police think
she jumped, and I wanted to know if Adam was the reason why she did it.” I hate
myself for once again going against my promise to Ryan, but Dan has left me
with little choice. I’m sure Ryan will understand my telling him, given the
circumstances.

Dan
steps back away from me and slams heavily into the car as he leans against the
bonnet, looking into the distance. His reply is not what I expected to hear.

“So
when did all this start? How long have you and this Adam guy been meeting up?”
he asks.

I
pause, trying to register what he has just said, recalling the words that I had
just used. Confusion quickly sets in. “Dan, I didn’t tell you he was called
Adam. I’ve not mentioned his name yet.” I step closer, and narrow my eyes at my
husband who now can’t bring himself to look at me. “How do you know his name,
Dan?”

He
caves sooner than I’d anticipated. “I never met Adam,” he admits.

“So
then how...?”

“I
knew Jess was married.” Dan bows his head and swallows hard, I can see his
throat constrict, his Adam’s apple bobbing slowly under its control. Even on
this dimly lit road I can see how uncomfortable he looks. I use his state to my
benefit.

“Excuse
me?” I say. “How could you have known that she was married? No one knew,
including me.”

“It
was a number of years ago. Jess came to me for help with the divorce, that’s
how I know his name is Adam. I remember seeing it on the divorce paperwork.”
Dan sighs. “She didn’t know where else to go. She needed advice. She hadn’t
been married to Adam very long, and it was difficult with him living in another
country. She asked me not to say anything. Until now, I haven’t.”

“You
were my sister’s divorce lawyer!” I declare. My voice is calmer than it
probably should be considering how much I dislike my husband at this moment in
time.

“She
was broke, Nat. She had nowhere else to go.”

“You
don’t even deal with marital law, Dan.”

“I
don’t, but John does.”

“Oh,
good old John!” I mutter petulantly.

“Don’t
be like that, Nat.”

“Like
what, Dan? She could have come to me, to Mum or Ryan, why come to you?”

“She
didn’t want to be a burden. She wanted to forget her past, move on. She was
embarrassed, I suppose.”

“You
never thought to tell me this information? Even after she died?”

Dan
leans back against the bonnet of my car and bends down to rest his elbows on
his knees, burying his head in his arms, before sitting back up and looking at
me. “Yes, I kept her secret. She was disgusted with herself, Nat. She knew the
marriage had been a mistake, and she just wanted it sorted as easily and
quickly as she could.”

“So
she came to you,” I announce, holding my hands up in the air, feeling a little
annoyed that Jess had put Dan in that sort of situation.

Dan
nods. “I wanted to tell you, but once Jess died, I didn’t see what good would
come from anyone knowing. It was in the past. Everyone had moved on.”

“Yeah,”
I nod angrily. “Does it really look like everyone has moved on?” I ask, my
voice rising. “You have lied to me all these years, Dan. How can I trust you
now? We are married for Christ’s sake, we are supposed to tell each other
everything.”

Dan
laughs mockingly. “That's a bit hypocritical coming from you tonight, isn’t
it?”

“That's
different, Dan, she was
my
sister.”

In
that split second, my husband’s sudden disapproval of Jess when she returned
home from Australia is so blatantly obvious that it hurts me to even breathe.
The reason he always protested when she rang me and wanted to talk, why they
had become so distant. It wasn’t because he thought she was taking advantage of
me, or even because he didn’t like the sort of person she was. It’s because he
was scared she would tell me he’d kept this from me.

Dan
starts to talk again, but I put my hand up to his face. I don’t want to hear
any more. I’m so annoyed that he has lied to me, kept such a big part of my
sister’s life a secret to himself for all these years. My mind races, and I
know I’m not thinking clearly as I toss my car keys to him roughly and walk over
to Dan’s car. The massive bunch of keys land with a clatter on the roadside,
narrowly missing his feet.

“What
are you doing, Nat?” Dan asks.

“I’m
taking our son home.”

“So
where am I going?”

“I
don’t give a damn where you go Dan, as long as it’s nowhere near me.”

He
starts to say something, asking me to calm down and starts to explain his
actions, but I don’t give him a chance. I quickly get into the car, slam the door
and restart the ignition. My hands tremble on the steering wheel as I speed
away, only glancing back in the rear view mirror once to see Dan standing in
the middle of the road, watching me leave.

*

By
the time I arrive home, I’m crying so much I can barely function. I pull onto
the driveway, safe in the knowledge that I don’t have to face any more
revelations or hidden dirty secrets; at least not for today, anyway.

I
carry a still-sleeping Josh from the car and struggle to open the front door
with him slumped heavily over my shoulder. Eventually, I manage to get the key
in the lock and push open the door slightly. I use my foot to open it fully so
I can get through without waking him.

I
head straight for the stairs, closing the door with my other foot until it
clicks shut behind me. Josh’s bedclothes are still pulled back from when Dan
must have lifted him from the bed. I place him down gently, his head lying in
the exact indent on the pillow that is already there. I switch off his night
light and head into my bedroom to get changed, although I know I won’t go to
bed yet. I’m too wired to even attempt sleep.

I
peel off my trousers and blouse, throwing them into the laundry basket in the
corner of the room, then change into a pair of pink spotted pyjama bottoms and
matching vest top. It feels good to be out of the clothes that I've had on all
day. A short-lived feeling of relief washes over me, but I’m far from relaxed.

I
wipe at my eyes, still sore and swollen from crying during the drive home. The
vision of Dan as he stood in the middle of the road watching me leave pulls at
my heart strings, but the disappointment I feel pulls much harder. Not only had
he lied to me about knowing Jess had been married, but he had actually believed
that I was capable of having an affair; of carrying another man’s baby and
allowing him to think it was his. Like Lola had. I pick up my phone and call
Ryan’s number. I know he and Mum will be worried. He answers on the second
ring.

“Nat,
where the hell have you been? Dan’s been worried sick.”

“I
know, I... went up to Milton Point and must have lost track of time.”

“As
long as you’re okay,” he says. I smile at his absolute concern, tears welling
in my eyes again.

“How’s
Mum?”

“She’s
good. She’s been waiting to hear from you before she goes to bed.”

“I’m
sorry,” I say, trying to control my breathing so I don’t give away my upset
state. I think of Liam and my lip starts to quiver. I can't tell him, not now,
Lola has to have the chance first. Hopefully Adam is totally wrong, I know in
my heart, though that he’s not.

“Okay,
well, goodnight. Tell Mum to sleep tight, and I’ll see you both at the
weekend.”

“Okay,
Nat, you too, speak soon.”

I
hang up on Ryan, fully aware that I’d cut the conversation short, and he will
be aware that I have fobbed him off. A text message from Dan comes through to
tell me he is staying in a local hotel, and that he’s truly sorry and he loves
me. Sighing loudly, I walk into the kitchen, rotating my shoulders in an
attempt to try to release some of the tension that has now crept into them. I
need to calm down. This can’t be good for me or the baby.

The
cooker hood light is on as I walk to the kitchen, the only light that
illuminates the room. Remnants of a half-eaten Indian takeaway sit on the
counter top. I move away from it, the overpowering spicy smell turns my
stomach. I switch on the kettle. Hopefully, a chamomile tea might help me relax
a little.

As
I reach into the cupboard to find the tea, a faint smell of cigarette smoke
hits me. It catches my throat, causing me to cough. Raising my head up, I peer
through to the conservatory, where I can see a faint outline of smoke rising
into the air. I move closer, dropping the unopened pack of tea to the floor.
There’s someone in my house.