Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (27 page)

Step Three. Take a few more breaths, and settle in once again. This time, say “no, no, no, no, no” out loud. Notice where the “no” lands in your body. Where do you feel it? What is the texture, motion, speed, color, and pressure of the word “no”? How does it compare to the word “yes”?

Step Four. Write for a few minutes in your journal about the difference between saying yes and saying no. Be sure to record all of the sensations you can remember. This exercise is simple but powerful—don’t forget to record your first impressions. Write about two recent experiences: one where you said yes and one where you said no. How might these experiences have been different if you had gone the other way? What feelings come up at the thought of saying yes to everything? Fear, excitement, disbelief, liberation?

For most of us, the experience of saying yes has a naturally open quality. Regardless of the particular texture and color and motion it brings up in an individual, there is a feeling that the body wants to open wider and become more transparent when we say yes. Oftentimes, students report an opposite response to the word “no.” There may be a feeling of contraction, of closing up shop, of clenching.

Staying open and aware—saying yes—is the key to getting off on any stroke, whether in OM or in life. Saying yes is the key to the freedom we were just talking about. When we let go of our preference for any one particular experience, suddenly a whole world of opportunity presents itself. We are not only more able to enjoy the upstrokes, but
we can also start to investigate what nourishment might be available from the downstrokes as well. Lo and behold, we see that there is rich, earthy, sexy sensation to be drawn out of even the stroke we didn’t think we wanted. In fact, it turns out there are certain experiences we actually
desire
, but which we never before allowed ourselves to have because they didn’t come in the package of our preferred stroke. By learning how to say yes to whatever is presented to us, we go one step further toward following our desire—and toward living the turned-on life we truly crave.

Exercise. Getting Off on Every Stroke OM

This is a great practice to try over the course of several OMs in a row. That way you are almost guaranteed to experience some of the strokes you prefer and some that you would ordinarily resist. The goal here is to research whether it’s possible to get off on even the strokes that don’t meet your standard preferences. Practicing it several times over the course of a week will ensure you’ll have the opportunity to say yes to a full range of strokes.

You will need all of your OMing supplies, your partner, about half an hour, and your journal.

Step One. Prepare for an OM as you usually would with your partner. If you are the stroker, begin stroking your partner. Stroke for your own pleasure; which way do you want the stroke to go? How fast or slow, heavy or light do you want it? Do not ask your partner for feedback, just stroke her clit to generate the most possible sensation in your own body.

Step Two. If you are the receiver, feel the stroke. Notice whether the stroke he is giving you feels pleasurable or not.

Step Three. As the receiver, say “yes,” out loud, to every stroke. Throughout the OM, let “yes” be your moan, your vocalization. Notice how saying yes over and over affects the sensation you are feeling in your body. Pay particular attention to what it feels like to say yes to a stroke you would normally object to. Does saying yes change your experience of that stroke? What does it feel like to say yes to the light, tickling tease? What about the grinding, piercing, nerve-jangling stroke? Continue to say yes, out loud, to every stroke.

Step Four. Reset your OMing timer for five minutes, and both partners write in your journals about the experience. Overall, did you notice anything different about this OM as opposed to a regular OM? What did you like? What didn’t you like? If you were the stroker, how did it feel to stroke purely for your own pleasure—while hearing your partner say “yes” to every stroke? Record any emotions or unusual sensations that came up for you. If you were the receiver, what was it like to hold every stroke, without preference? What sensations did you feel in your body when you said yes? Both partners, if you think about saying yes to every stroke you get in life, does that feel like something you’d want to do? Why or why not?

Saying yes to any stroke is the work of a lifetime. Learning to follow your desire is a good start. What you’ll discover is that the hardest part of using your desire as a compass is not a lack of desire, nor is it too much desire. It’s that, in a world that is calling us to do everything but listen to our inner knowing, our own compass, desire can be very easy to forget. Forgetting, as it turns out, is the only thing between us and the lifelong orgasm we are looking for. Because when we can remember to follow our desire with every step—and to say yes to whatever we meet along the way—orgasm becomes effortless. It becomes the water we’re swimming in.

I was a bit of an overachiever when I started to OM, and one day I asked my teacher what was the longest orgasm you could have.

“I don’t know,” he said. “How long can you remember to follow your desire?”

It was, it turned out, up to me.

At the time, I could remember to follow my desire for about thirty seconds, tops. Then something would go wrong—I’d get disappointed with a boyfriend, or I wouldn’t get a job I’d really wanted—and suddenly it was like my balloon of orgasm would deflate. I had a friend at the time who seemed to be able to sustain that orgasmic state for much longer than I could, naturally saying yes to whatever came her way. I marveled at how turned on she always seemed to be. So one day I asked her how it was that she was able to hold on to the sense of expansiveness that seemed to slip out of my hands so easily.

“I remember to remember,” she said simply.

If there’s anything I wish for you, it is that you remember to remember. Remember that you don’t have to add anything to your sex or your life—orgasm knows how to take care of itself. Remember to pay attention to the sensation in your body; it is the secret entry into the world of turn-on. And remember to always follow your desire. Use it as a compass; it will guide you toward the sustainable happiness, richness, and satisfaction you’re looking for—in sex, in your relationships, and in your life as a whole.

And when in doubt, remember to OM. Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that everything we desire is just waiting for us to draw it out. When you agree to make room in your busy life for fifteen minutes of intimate connection, it’s like being willing to stand in the kitchen without a recipe.
In that one act, you become an artist; you let go and let life reveal itself. And what I can promise is this: stroke by stroke, all the joy and pleasure and intimacy and nourishment you could ever want from sex—and life—can’t help but rise up to meet you.

Appendix: OM for Him

Besides the obvious difference, male stroking is a lot like traditional OMing. A man lies down and a woman (or another man) strokes the shaft of his penis for fifteen minutes. The man may or may not climax, but climax is not the goal. The goal is simply to experience the stroke, whether you are giving it or receiving it. In other words, just like regular OM, the foundation of male stroking is letting go of any expectations. Strip it down. Experience the stroke each time as if it were the first time. Pay attention to your sensations, and share them with your partner. Finally, make contact with the desire that lies just beneath the surface, and allow it to be brought out, stroke by stroke.

Getting Ready

Prepare for the OM as outlined in chapter 3. First, ask your partner to OM with you, making sure it is clear that you are suggesting a male-stroking OM in particular. If you are the stroker, carefully set up the OMing nest. You will need the same supplies as usual: pillows, a hand towel, lube, and a timer.

The male anatomy

Once the space is created, the man being stroked removes his clothes from the waist down. This step can be confronting for a man, especially if he is not hard at the time. Men have been taught that their penises should always be erect during a sexual encounter; if not, there may be something wrong. But just as a woman is not always turned on and “ready” when the OM begins, so a man will most likely be in his resting state when he first removes his pants.

Even once the OM begins, an erection is optional. While we have become accustomed to the notion that a hard penis is
required
for a successful sexual encounter, such is not the case with OM. It is possible to stroke a man’s cock even when it is soft—it simply asks more of your attention and gentleness since he may be more sensitive than you’ve seen him before. But the process itself is the same, whether he is hard or not. Once this truth sinks in—OM does not require him to perform in any way—the sensation can be one of great freedom and turn-on.

There are two positions that work well for male stroking.
The first is similar to the traditional OM posture, with the stroker sitting to the right of the receiver (see the figure above).

Preparing to stroke, from the traditional OM position

The second posture finds the woman seated between the stroker’s legs, with one of her legs over each of his thighs. This position gives a slight advantage in that it allows her to reach the cock from the front, giving her the most complete access available to his full genital region (see the figure on the next page).

Whichever position you choose, begin by placing the towel in the center of the pillows and having him lie down so it is underneath his buttocks. Help him butterfly his legs open, supporting each of his knees with a pillow or your leg. Make sure he knows that you will be taking care of everything from here on out; he doesn’t need to worry about anything except relaxing. Once he is settled, take your seat beside him or between his legs. You may find it more comfortable to sit on one or more pillows; feel free to adjust as suits you best. Set the timer for fifteen minutes.

Stroking him from the alternate position, between his legs

Begin the OM with noticing. Place all your attention on his cock. Paint him a verbal portrait, focusing on color, texture, and relative location. Be objective; state just the facts. Tell him what it reminds you of, how the color moves from light to dark to light again—whatever you see. Once you have said everything that comes to mind, begin to stroke.

How to Stroke a Man

1. Place lube on your hands, gently rubbing them together to warm the lube. Let your partner know you are about to make contact.
   
2. Place your right hand underneath his scrotum so that his balls are lying gently in your hand. This will help him feel grounded throughout the OM.
   
3. Wrap your left hand around his cock so that your palm makes contact with the back side of the shaft and your thumb and fingers meet in front. (If you are stroking a man who is uncircumcised, gently pull his foreskin down with your right hand, holding it there while you wrap your left hand around him.) Once your hand is in position, stroke once upward from the base of his cock to the tip, spreading lube over his shaft as you go (see figure below).
   

   

   The hand position for male stroking
   

4. At the top of his shaft, begin to stroke slowly and lightly, focusing on an inch-long area just below the head of the penis (see figure below).
   

   

   The most sensitive stroking area
   

5. Use much lighter pressure than you would normally use for a hand job, especially if his penis is not erect. Try different strokes. Firmer strokes will feel more earthy, more meaty. Lighter strokes will feel more spacious. You may rotate your hand as you stroke up and down for additional sensation if that feels good to you. Notice the melody that your stroke creates between base and high notes. See if you can sense an underlying rhythm that your body wants, and continue to stroke that rhythm. Throughout the OM, remember to tell him everything you are doing before you do it. This allows him to relax more deeply. Tell him that you are going to take a firmer grasp, or that you are going to shift the stroke. If you are the man being stroked, don’t forget to ask for what you want. More or less pressure, a faster or slower stroke—whatever would feel good.
   
6. Both partners pay attention to the point of contact between her hand and his penis. When your minds wander, return to the sensation of her hand and his penis.
   
7. The man may or may not climax before the fifteen minutes is up. If he does, ask him if he would like to continue with the rest of the OM, or if he would rather go straight to the grounding step.