Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (25 page)

Apply lube to your partner’s genitals, until both of you are slick and smooth. Stroke one another gently. Move your whole body in unison with the stroke. Keep cock and pussy close together, but not yet touching. Feel the heat between them, how they are already connected. Feel the texture of your partner’s most sensitive spot beneath your fingers. Knead it gently.

When the time is right for entry, you will feel it in your body.

Hand her the condom and let her unwrap it and roll it over you.

Take the head of his cock into your pussy. Just the tip. Feel the way a sort of suction builds, the way her pussy reaches up to swallow more, the way his cock desires to dive farther inside her. Feel how hard it is to pull it back out, and do it anyway. Pause for a moment and feel the tension between having and wanting. Let the tension build as the head of his cock catches on the rim of her entrance. Feel how your genitals feel sealed to one another. You are ready.

Now, slowly slide his cock farther into your pussy, feeling as each of your ridges pass over one another. Allow your labia to spread open and your clitoris to press down on his pubic bone. Grind together and feel the tension building. Feel your soft flesh spreading over his cock like honey.

Pause and feel the connections throughout your body. Continue to move her clit over your pubic bone in a slight rocking motion. See if you can tap the back of her clit with the head of your cock. She will feel a rush from the back to the front—like a current that surges back and forth.

Pull him to the very tip again and begin with shallow strokes. Create a rhythm: ten shallow strokes and then slide down hard. Ten shallow strokes and then slide down hard. Allow your pussy to shake, to quiver against his cock. Push out, toward each other. Feel how his cock is getting stroked by the back of your clit, from the inside.

Whenever you sense that you have hit a peak of sensation—that the next movement will be less sensational than the last—the time has come to shift stroke. Consciously exhale. Breath cleans the palate, prepares you for the next peak. Rest there, connected with your partner. Notice how she is different, already, from the one you lay down with.

Now feel again the seal between cock and pussy. Feel the point of contact between the interior clit—just behind the exterior clit—and the head of his cock, how they feel suctioned together. Use his cock as a plunger against that spot; let his cock suck it open. When it opens, she will feel a quiet pop. It is like the pop of a bottle of sparkling water opening. She will feel as if bubbles were overflowing into the next layer of her pussy. Her lower abdomen will feel full, and at the same time alive. He will feel it as if he has popped through to a new place, and that place is filled with something thick and viscous.

Part Three: The Evolution of Intercourse

This is the point where most people end, where both partners go for climax and the experience is over. But that is only one choice. For here, from this place of deepest connection, the other side of orgasm becomes available. Very few take the time to access it, or even realize it is there. It is as different from “regular” sex as day is from night. It is a kind of gateway that opens to a whole new plateau, a whole new level of pleasurable sensation.

To access this orgasmic state, simply feel what is happening between you.

Feel how every last cell of your body feels hydrated and full—how very little movement is required to garner much sensation. Your whole body may tremble in moving only a quarter of an inch. Feel the alive stillness, how it is empty and yet has substance. Feel how you are both being held inside a mutual orgasm rather than trying to arrive at it as a destination.

It is here where the instructions fall away. All we do is follow our sensations toward what feels good. What feels good tends to be quite slow, imbued with a sense of depth and sensation. Every movement is revelatory. There is a heartrending poignancy to each gesture. A kiss at this point feels fresh and new, as if you have never felt the wonder of lips touching your own. This is where you may feel yourself in the slow animal dance of sniffing and circling. You may want to mount your partner; you may want to pull away. You may simply want to explore the sensation of having him inside you. He will be out of the ejaculation zone, and therefore may soften. Feel that softening; let it melt both your hearts. There is nothing right or wrong to do here.

Or maybe you both do want to go over. Ask your partner: Do you want to go further? Are you satiated? Feel the response. If you decide to go for climax, stay connected as you go over. You may want to speak. You may want to kiss. You may want to make eye contact. Whatever you do, stay with one another through all the contractions. Drink in the physicality of it, the rawness, the realness, the saturation. Feel the rise and fall of the orgasm that was born between you in this experience, and watch as love for your partner naturally fills your heart.

Slow Sex gives you access to sex as it was meant to be—as you suspected it could be, as you hoped it might be. It’s like the power turns on. Whereas before you had to wind your clock manually, now the hands move of their own accord. Sex that was a physical act requiring effort now seems to run on its own fuel. That fuel is turn-on. When you truly get turned on, you find that more energy, more sensation, and more connection are available during sex.
More turn-on during sex means more turn-on everywhere else, too. Turn-on is the energy of life, of flow, of being carried by a force greater than yourself. And the way we access it is simple: we consciously engage our own desire. In sex, yes, but in every other area of our lives as well. Cultivating turn-on is how we extend the orgasmic experience beyond the bounds of what we thought was possible, how we become orgasmic not only in the bedroom but also in life itself. And how to create more of it in your life is the final lesson I teach to my Slow Sex students: the lesson of the next chapter, The Four-Month Orgasm.

Chapter Nine

The Four-Month Orgasm

I
love men. I want them to have everything they desire. I want them to feel connected, seen, and understood. Yet, in order for that to happen, men need women. Women to show them what possibilities emerge when they are willing to let go of control. Women to show them what unconditional appreciation looks like, what turn-on feels like, what intimacy feels like. Women who are ignited. Women who are orgasmic.

So if I’m completely honest, I didn’t write this book for men. I wrote it for women—for myself, for my friends, for the women I see every day in the work I do. These are spectacular women, women whose true power could light New York City. Women whose beauty could bring you to your knees.

Women who have no idea how much power they actually have. Women who spend a lot of energy making themselves into the shape of a good woman, because that’s the only thing they’ve ever learned how to do.

Women who desire to feel plugged in and connected, who know that deeper connection has to be possible.

In other words, women who want to be unfailingly orgasmic—orgasmic every single moment of every single day.

I don’t think I have to tell you that very few women are living life this way. We’ve barely let ourselves dare to hope that this kind of life exists, much less tried to figure out how to get one for ourselves. The irony is that this is the very sort of life we are all meant to be living, but few of us know how to access it. Just as I discovered that afternoon in the kitchen with Uncle Bob, we have never really learned how to taste a tomato. How to be present and aware as we bite into it, and then to actually feel—and be able to name—the sensation of
sour-electric-hydrated
as it washes across the tongue. To feel all the joy and pleasure available in that bite, to integrate it into our bodies so it becomes fuel for the journey. We are born connected to a universal grid of everyday magic; it comes with the package of life. Our job is simply to plug into it. One easy way to plug into the magic is through Orgasmic Meditation.

The magic, of course,
is
orgasm. Orgasm in the expanded sense—the orgasm we feel coming through us when we OM, but which we can feel in every minute of every day if we are attuned to it. Plugging into this kind of orgasm comes more naturally to women, and as such it is our responsibility to bring it into the world, for everyone else—including our men—to enjoy. The problem is, we don’t treat our orgasm as we should: like a precious natural resource. As women, we either ignore it or spend our time trying to make it into something more than what it already is. We turn our attention toward action, actively pursuing climax and positioning and technique, when the channel that comes more naturally to us is reception. Reception
means opening to whatever comes through us, receiving and welcoming our genuine orgasm, regardless of whether it meets our expectations or fits into a particular mold. Reception is listening to our orgasm like an artist would, plunging our roots deep into it so we can be hydrated. We spend a lot of time searching for orgasm, striving for it, sending out a missing persons alert for it, when in truth it’s been right in front of us the entire time. If we don’t recognize the oasis of our orgasm, how can we drink from it? Is it any wonder that we—men and women alike—are living in a desert?

So as you can see, when I say that you should OM every day, there’s a lot at stake.

Connecting to this orgasm is the deeper purpose of OM. OM holds both of us, stroker and receiver alike, in a state of receptive openness for at least fifteen minutes a day. It gives us an easy way to marinate in the sensations that are already coming through our bodies so they can nourish us. Even if we choose to spend the rest of the day in a state of action—driving, pursuing, and directing our experience—for these fifteen minutes, we agree to do the opposite. We OM. We connect, we plug back in, and we go deeply wherever the orgasm wants to lead us.

The orgasm we plug into when we OM has no limitations, no boundaries. It is a cup that is never empty, a resource that constantly renews itself. This is the message I try to convey to my students at the beginning of the OM workshop, that at the end of the course they’ll have all the tools they need to experience a four-month orgasm. What I really mean is that by the end of the class, they’ll know everything they need to know in order to have a
lifelong
orgasm—to live orgasmically, in every moment.

I actually say the “four-month” part because it’s more believable.

The key to having a lifelong orgasm is not OM, exactly. OM is just the rehearsal; it’s where we learn the music, build the muscle memory, develop the habits that will support us when we get out onstage. It’s where we practice for the main performance: life. Life, including “regular” sex, and male-female relationship, and everything else we do. The habits we form through OM—habits of receptivity, appreciation, awareness, true intimacy—are 180 degrees opposite from the habits that rule our conventional world. So learning to make them our default settings takes practice. It takes great attention and precision to choose subtraction—simplicity—in a culture that hawks addition at every turn. It takes repetition to learn how to pay attention enough to feel sensation in the body, to experience turn-on as it rises, crests, and carries us. And it takes a practiced willingness to feel what you want and then be vulnerable, intimate, and open enough to ask for it, come what may.

“What drew me in about OM is that it’s a microcosm for life. Every single thing you experience during that fifteen-minute session is going to come up again when you get up and go about your day. Every moment of joy, every sensation in your body, every disappointment, every success. It’s all there. Even the things that you usually ignore—they’re the first things that come up in your practice. It’s a tremendous relief to have those things be seen and to engage them on a conscious level, because there’s nowhere to hide. OM becomes a practice not just for sex, but for your whole life.”

—Jonathan, 38

It takes all those things, yes, but it takes one thing more. When it gets down to it, there must be a willingness to change your navigation device. We tend to navigate our lives using signposts set up for us by the world—norms, expectations, shoulds, and should nots. If you want a lifelong orgasm, you have to let go of the comfort of being told what to do by the outside world and start looking for direction within. You have to start charting your own course, using your own compass. That compass is your own desire.

Using Desire as a Compass

The concept of using desire as a compass takes a little getting used to. I generally hear two responses when I start talking about it in class. On the one hand—and more often from women—they believe they don’t have enough desire to begin with. What they do have is buried so deeply they can’t even find it; how are they supposed to use it as a compass? The second argument—more often from men—is that if they followed their desire all the time, they would never get any work done. All they’d be doing would be having sex.