Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (21 page)

Fig. 10.5. In yab yum position a pillow under woman’s buttocks helps to bring the bodies to a similar level so that they align at the genitals and hearts, which encourages circulation of energy.

Movement Is Part of Slow Sex

Movement is a blessing, movement is life. There is certainly no rule that says during slow sex there is no movement. It’s more a question of how we move, as well as why. The basic inquiry is one of whether movement is mechanical or conscious, or if it is appropriate in any given moment, rather than the move being something habitual or deemed to be an essential ingredient of sex. In some moments stillness is appropriate, in others a slow movement is fitting, and in others a shift of position is required. What you do depends on the communication between the penis and vagina. Maybe an adjustment of the legs can deepen the penetration, or a small movement of the pelvis can open up a range of new inner sensations.

Movement is discussed in chapter 2, where it is mentioned, among other things, that an interesting aspect to explore is the basic motivation behind any movement. Why are we doing the movement? Is the movement for stimulating and building up excitement with orgasm in mind? Or do we move because we’re wanting to increase awareness or physical comfort, or attempting to enhance pleasure through the correspondence of the penis and vagina?

Movements during slow sex occur in direct response to the present; they arise out of what is needed in the moment and are guided by the light of awareness.

Because they are not goal oriented (not moving toward climax in the future), slow sex movements are of quite a different quality than the movements in conventional sex; they are relaxed and leisurely, the moves evolve in a gradual, sensual, organic way. There is a sense of allowing it to happen, giving way and unfolding, rather than controlling the event according to our usual sexual routine or ideas.

Lust versus Passion

The difference between lust and passion is a matter of definition and requires some clarification. Many people think that in giving up orgasm they are giving up their passion, but this is not the case. Basically you are giving up lust. If you look closely at lust when you are caught up in it, it always has a direction. And this invites tension, expectation, and pressures that swamp the simple present moment. The movements will be building toward climax as the goal of the union. A fixation on the end point causes a lack of connection to the present, the orientation is in the future, sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle.

Slow sex is not lustful in the usual sense we understand (or experience) hot climactic sex. At the same time, slow sex can sometimes be full-on in a way that is utterly dynamic and involves big movements. But each movement comes from an inner place of stillness and is independent of the movement before it and of the movement after it. Each movement is complete in itself. The moves are not being stepped up to arrive at orgasm as final destination, but as a way of celebrating the present. This type of sexual experience is true passion—pure presence. Passion has no goal and leads nowhere.

You can be fully passionate and be totally unmoving. Or be utterly still and feel inwardly wild at the same time. Passion and authentic wildness are extremely conscious states that reflect tremendous inner vitality and sensitivity.

Sensational heat through the excitement of friction (repetitive in and out movements of the penis in the vagina) short-fuses the system because excitement so easily leads to orgasm. Friction for an extended time has to be used with caution in the sense that once we find ourselves on the roller coaster of excitement it’s difficult (if not impossible) to find the awareness or wish to jump off the ride. That’s why from the outset it’s advisable to stay in the cooler zones of sexual connection where there is less excitement and stimulation, so you do not get hooked up with the need to climax. The coolness creates the sustainability. In addition, in the long term, mechanical friction between the genitals does, little by little, reduce their sensitivity. When sensitivity is lost, more sensation is required and then sensitivity suffers a further loss. To regain sensitivity also means to reside in the genitals in a cooler, calmer, more conscious way.

Instead of mechanical in-and-out movements there are an infinite number of subtle sideways or circular pelvic movements (especially of man) that will help the penis reach and probe into the deeper reaches of the vagina and touch all the surfaces, with very pleasurable effects. Woman can position her pelvis at interesting angles and then hold still so as to invite deeper exploration of the vaginal canal.

Recognizing the Urge for Orgasm

We all know intimately the urge for orgasm, but it is useful to be aware of it in the very moment the desire arises, when suddenly we become tense and switch into fast forward. It is not physically healthy to deliberately repress ejaculation or to repeatedly build tension up, then repress it again. So should ejaculation need to happen, let it be so. Basically orgasm is not wrong. What we are questioning is the conditioning that sex equals orgasm, and the habit of actively striving toward a climax. We are inadvertently creating tension and future goals when, in fact, we need to relax and be here to have elevated experiences.

There is an extremely creative option that you may want to try when faced with the desire for orgasm. When your desire arises, confront it with the totality of your awareness, the totality of your being. At the same time, relax the body utterly and completely. Breathe deeply into the belly and just be, alert in body and senses, present to the moment.

If you completely pull back from desire in the very instant it shows itself, a miraculous thing can happen. The energy that was moving outward is powerfully inverted and will implode within you, soon to rise up again through your core in a wave of vitality that becomes a tremendously empowering personal force.

You ascend to a higher octave, a rarer vibration beyond thought, where the bodies become spontaneous flowing forms and configurations.

If there is a decision for orgasm, don’t go into it mechanically and blindly, but consciously and slowly, relaxing tensions, breathing deeply, using your inner eye of awareness to remain present to the unfolding. That very awareness of following the process and relaxing into it, rather than getting tense about it, will fundamentally transform the conventional orgasm experience.

Physical Comfort Helps Relaxation and Sensitivity

Sustaining your practice also means you need to be able to sustain lying down in bed for longer periods, so be sure to take care of your physical needs. If there is discomfort in the legs, knees, hips, or back, it is time to change position. Otherwise the discomfort becomes a distraction and prevents you from settling into your body and your inner sensations.

Have on hand a selection of pillows of different shapes, sizes, and densities, which can be used to aid and support the postures, as illustrated in figures 10.6 and 10.7. (Also see figures 10.1 and 10.5 respectively.)

Fig. 10.6. In side-scissors position man can support his knee and calf on a pillow. If desired, he can add another pillow under his ankle and foot, as shown in the third image. As noted before, both partners will be more comfortable with head support.

Fig. 10.7. To prevent himself from rolling backward in side-scissors position, man can wedge a pillow support under his back and pelvis. This is particularly helpful for sustained soft penetration. The upper image shows support under both back and hip; the lower image, hip support only.

SITUATIONS AND ISSUES THAT MAY ARISE DURING PRACTICE

It’s helpful to know of common hindrances and difficulties that a couple can run into when practicing slow sex. Maybe you got off to a good start and things were going well for a period of time, but then one of you is feeling less satisfied with the practice. Or you are having difficulty keeping a commitment to the practice, you’re meeting less often and finding excuses to cancel. Sometimes unexpected emotions arise and get in the way or your expectations are a little bit high, which blocks your awareness of the present moment. Below are some situations that you may find yourselves in, with guidelines on how to deal with them.

No Sensitivity or Nothing Really Happens

Many people find that they don’t have much sensitivity in the beginning, and the best approach is to accept the situation as it is. Look, it is going to feel different without the usual excitement or stimulation, so take that into account and don’t expect to feel the same thing or even anything like it. Don’t give in to frustration because you are not getting what you usually get. It’s different, and that is all. It takes patience and curiosity to discover the delights of the subtle inner world. Accepting the reality that you don’t feel very much will help you to relax, because all acceptance leads to inner relaxation. When we are fighting against something, resisting it, denying it, we create tension that stops us from feeling. If you allow tears of sadness to flow you will notice how your sensitivity improves.

Something always happens, even if it is nothing. Becoming aware of this nothingness is already something.

Nothingness is not easy to accept because there is a deep fear of emptiness and not feeling anything. Fear is often the motivation for movement in sex, to build up feeling in the way of sensation. So when you go slow, and sometimes stop, it will be normal that you cannot easily feel into your genital tissues. In the past you have perhaps been more
around
your genitals, not really in them. In a way it can be difficult to believe that we are not fully sensitive in that part of the body, partly because we are pretty sensitive there for the purposes of conventional sex, and partly because it is difficult to believe that
you
might be insensitive.

In our retreats we always make a great effort to gently warn couples that they may not feel anything at first. We say so again and again during our talks so as not to create expectations and possible disappointment. Even so, after a few days individuals do come up to me looking really shaky and concerned, and share that they can’t feel anything in their genitals. So even though we warn people, it is still difficult to accept (and take in) when lack of feeling happens to you.

Patience is needed. Not patience as a duty, tapping your fingers in the meantime, but patience as compassion, understanding, respect; honoring yourself, your body, your partner, your partner’s body. With patience comes stillness and silence, relaxation into what is present in any given moment.

Confusion, Insecurity, Not Knowing

It’s quite usual, as you start to change your style of sex, to feel that you don’t know who you really are. You may feel confused and somewhat lost. When you are on a learning curve a bit of confusion helps, because it loosens up the ego, the personality structure, and you become more vulnerable. You can’t expect to be fluent in something that has not been your experience, so a period of disorientation is a valid response to the situation. If you think back to when you first had sex, you probably felt insecure then as well. But now that terrain is traveled and you know your way around. Now you are learning a whole new way of having sex, and also having to unlearn many things you’ve learned accidentally, so it would almost be surprising if you didn’t feel somewhat baffled.