Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (22 page)

Share your feelings of confusion and insecurity with your partner as soon as they come up. Don’t postpone talking about them, otherwise you’ll just feel more and more shaky. Once you express what you feel, having said it out loud will quickly make you feel more at ease and at home within yourself. With more slow sex practice and experience you will soon find yourself feeling more confident, clear, and secure.

One Person Feels Something and the Other Does Not

It easily happens that one partner can feel more than the other—usually the woman—and this is quite understandable. Woman as the receptive force, the environment that man moves into, is bound to feel what enters her environment. Conversely, man needs time and practice to orient himself in the new environment. Where woman feels something taking place within her body she can communicate that to man (or vice versa if the situation is reversed and man feels more than woman). She can briefly share what she feels with the presence of the penis inside her. Her feedback can be tremendously reassuring for a man—it tells him that at least his woman can feel him, a fact not to be underestimated.

One Partner Is Better at Communicating

It is often the case that one of the two finds it easier to share and express what is felt, where, and when. Their gift of sharing will support and encourage the other partner to express themselves in words. Do not make differences such as these into problems; rather see how you can help and support each other. The communication also acknowledges your inner body, so you are informing not only your partner, but more importantly, your higher self. Learning to talk about your inner sensitivity is an art that can be learned.

One tip is to start with what is. Often people are more focused on what they think should be, and begin to perceive a lack of something instead of directing the attention to what is present in the moment. Share about simple things you observe in the body. The feelings don’t have to be momentous or extraordinary, just what is there. When you acknowledge what is present, you nurture roots of pleasure in the body, and your sensitivity will grow as these roots slowly spread through you.

You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex

Bodies always love to make conscious love; the mind is less willing. Often, as in many other situations, there is a natural resistance to stepping out of the mind and into the here and now. It’s the mind that will find all kinds of excuses. In this situation you need to acknowledge that you are in resistance, deliberately step over your mind, and connect with each other. Pretty soon you will find that your body is extremely happy to be in that situation. And if it really does not feel as if genital union is appropriate, then you can continue to enjoy an hour or two of intimacy—touching, breathing, receptive vision, being present to your body and each other.

It may appear on the surface that the resistance is a resistance to sex. But in reality the resistance is to being in the present.

I discovered this through the practice of massage, which has been a passion of mine for more than thirty years. In spite of how much I enjoyed it, shortly before an appointment I would often begin to hope that the telephone would ring and my client announce a sudden cancellation. Of course this did not usually happen, and soon enough there would be a knock at the door and I would simply have to accept the situation and proceed accordingly. As soon as the person was on the table and I started oiling their body, I would naturally bring myself into the present by connecting with the skin, flow of my hands, and movements of my body. Within five minutes I would be in heaven, slipping and sliding my way through ninety minutes with ease and timeless joy.

Some years later I was very surprised to notice the same type of resistance coming up with my sex appointments. And again the same realization—resistance to being present, not to sex. And again the same experience. If I accepted the situation and connected with my body in the present, everything flowed easily and the experience was a pleasure. So the guideline is to avoid listening to your mind, which is capable of a thousand and one excuses, and use your body as a bridge to the mystery of the present.

If you are genuinely ill it is wise to respect the state of your body and give it time to heal. If there is a fever or anything really debilitating, sex is probably not advisable. However, there may be some states in which you do feel weak and tired and yet capable of slow sex, especially as no great energy output is required. You will be surprised to discover that afterward you are likely to feel much better, with more energy and an increased sense of well-being.

It’s a very good idea to keep your planned dates. It may be that your partner is really counting on that date, and if you make excuses or don’t show up, the other person may be disappointed and feel let down. Causing this type of disturbance is really not worthwhile or supportive, as it can take time to get back into equilibrium.

You (or Your Partner) Are Falling Asleep

If you are in a relaxed position, such as the scissors position used for soft penetration, it’s easy to feel sleepy or actually even fall asleep. This is especially true for man because lying on the side reminds him of sleep. Whereas woman lies on her back where it is less easy to sleep. It’s fine to allow yourself the space to rest deeply for a short time; a short sleep can be regenerating. Some couples remain connected throughout the night, and this is also fine if you are able to sustain the position and sleep at the same time. It’s something I have never managed.

In general, though, during sex it’s time to be awake and not asleep. You have designated a place and a time and you have a commitment. If you arrive at your appointment exhausted from the other commitments of your day, tired and in need of some sleep, it is better to rest for twenty minutes or so before you begin. Your partner can rest with you. Set an alarm clock, bearing in mind that a twenty-minute nap is usually more refreshing than a two-hour sleep.

It’s helpful to know that the urge to sleep can be due not only to tiredness, but also to avoidance.

Overwhelming heaviness in the eyelids can sometimes be induced by reluctance to acknowledge deeper feelings that are coming to the surface, such as old unexpressed pain. The pull toward sleep is a defense mechanism to switch you off and keep you comfortable and undisturbed. When you notice something like this happening to you, the way through is to take a step deeper into yourself, delve into the buried feelings, and give way to them. Afterward you will feel much more present, alive, and loving. Prolific yawning is often another symptom of underlying feelings rising to the surface. The yawning reflex keeps feelings at bay.

One Wants to Move and the Other Doesn’t

Sometimes during slow sex one person wants to be more still and the other wants a bit more action. It’s generally more common that the woman is seeking stillness and the man wants movement, and this is probably because the female organ is a receptive organ and the male organ is a dynamic organ. However, the man has to discover how to be present and vital within the vagina as a dynamic, complementary force, rather than being dynamic in the way of literal activity, moving in and out. So there is a need for man to challenge himself a little in order to discover the true qualities of his penis. He also needs to develop compassion for woman and a greater understanding of her situation. Too often she has entered sex without her body being fully open, and she has pushed herself to please man to keep love in her life. Now finally, with a new understanding in hand, she is able to relax and receive—her true nature. Usually she will intuitively know this is the right way for her.

At the same time, and equally important, woman needs to understand that man is stepping down from a big performance program (as demanded by conventional sex), and have compassion for him. Also, he has been accustomed to a rubbing movement in order to feel his penis. Basically, when a movement is a conscious movement, it slows down and the whole quality changes including sensitivity. So you can agree on conscious movement, which is fair enough. After all, it’s been the unconscious way that has usually made woman less available for sex in the past.

What a woman has to watch out for is her mind falling into resistance, repeating again and again to herself, “I don’t like it.” This attitude makes you internally tight and unreceptive, so for sure you will not like it! You have to dive into yourself and see what you can do to change the situation, rather than ask the other person to change, as in “Please slow down” or “Please stop.” Too many instructions can make a person feel manipulated and controlled, which can lead to feeling wrong or unworthy.

I discovered that if I put all my awareness into relaxation, widening and receiving, especially in the vagina (instead of
being caught up in the mind), the man would slow down enormously and even sometimes come to a wide-eyed standstill.

In this way woman does have a certain power as the receptive environment. A penis entering the space is immediately affected by the absorbent forces enveloping it, and it’s better for her to direct her energies in this direction, see how she can directly transform the situation through awareness, rather than try to change her man.

You Feel Frustrated

Frustration can arise because things are different and you don’t get what you are accustomed to getting from sex. Frustration can also happen because you expect too much or don’t feel much. If so, definitely begin to do something with your own body every day, some kind of exercise that you enjoy. Become more alive to yourself. To increase sensitivity and awareness in your genitals you can also do a self-massage of your pelvic floor.

Exercise: Pelvic Floor Self-Massage

1. Lying on your back, knees up, hands between your legs, make small circular movements with your fingertips circling deep above, on, and below the pubic bone, spreading sideways to the sitz bones. Then turn onto your side and reach behind to massage the coccyx area.

2. Then, lying on your back again, give a deep massage to the muscles around your genitals. Take about an hour to work on the area, and repeat the massage several times over the next few weeks.

A self-massage done with gentle, loving hands will help to release tension and increase circulation and sensitivity in the pelvic region.

It’s important to find some kind of balance in the engagement between the two of you—you don’t want to get so frustrated that you get turned off, so you need to keep it interesting. And at the same time, become aware of how strong the sexual conditioning is, how strong the urge to do something in sex is, and how difficult it is to just be floating in it. You need to be willing to challenge your patterns in order to access your higher sexual potential. It takes time and practice to learn the knack, so keep it interesting for yourselves and be patient, loving, generous, and supportive.

Loss of Erection

Loss of erection is natural when stimulation is reduced, so it is helpful to accept active and passive phases of the penis, and to accept soft entry as a viable alternative. Man carries a lot of insecurity and fear around the whole erection issue because it’s fragile. Usually when a man begins to lose his erection he feels very awkward about it, even embarrassed, and the last thing he really wants is for his woman to realize it. So a man often tries to cover up a diminishing erection by exciting or stimulating himself or woman in some way. A relaxed penis is an equally valid instrument and it continues to have dynamic properties, however many men consider the erect version of the penis as being
the
penis. They believe a flaccid penis is of no real consequence, where soft sadly equals impotence.

Instead of feeling shame and fear around loss of erection (and trying to get it back), it is far better for a man to allow his penis to relax and stay within the vagina (or use soft entry), and at the same time connect with (be aware of and true to) his real feelings, which may be insecurity, weakness, or a feeling of helplessness.

Feeling these feelings can be a kind of small death. There may be sadness and tears, or not knowing, accompanied by shaking and shivering. Expressing the deeper fears that underly loss of erection is a form of healing, cleansing, and empowerment that establishes a man more deeply in his authentic male authority.

Expecting Results

People often ask, “How long before we can expect ecstasy?” Such expectations show that you are standing in your own way. Ecstasy can never be a demand or an expectation; it’s a blessing and a gift. You have to create the situation and be an invitation for bliss to descend upon you. It needs receptivity and preparation. There are some prerequisites to meeting the Divine—naturalness, egolessness, and timelessness. Ecstasy happens when immersed in the present, not absent through being expectant. And in any event, many thrilling moments of delight and pleasure are possible every time you get together.