Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (3 page)

At the end of some chapters, sensitivity and awareness exercises are suggested as a way to tune in to, support, and enhance the cellular perception of the body. The final chapter, chapter 10, “Your Personal Slow Sex Practice,” will pull together all of the previous information, offering basic suggestions on how to get started with your own personal practice.

This book is not a technical manual in the sense of being focused on
what you do;
rather, the approach is one of exploring
how you do it.
Much information on “how to proceed” and how to create the atmosphere necessary for an uplifting experience is embedded in the chapters ahead. As you read, you may perhaps begin to notice a subtle shift in the way you view and understand sex. And as I see it, this is the way to go—first and foremost, a change of mind is required. We need a new vision of sex that brings about a change or revolution in our ideas. When there is a change in the mind, the body will easily and willingly respond.

Whenever I get into the details of sex I will often begin by apologizing, because I tend to talk in generalizations that have the effect of bringing us all onto much the same level. As if we are all afloat in the same sexual boat. However, each one of us has an individual personal experience and sexual history, so it is likely that
not
everything I say will hold true for each person. If something does not ring true for you, it means only that it is not true for you as an individual, not that what is said is false; because
generally
speaking, what is said about sex is true. As an overall invitation, please feel free to discard anything that does not ring true for you. And at the same time, be open to something you may have
thought
is not true for you, as well as being interested in what is true for others.

Whether we like it or not, our sexuality affects our total being. Each of us feels the impact of sex from the moment of arrival on Earth in a human body, even if our adult lives may ultimately include rare or no sexual interactions with another person. The conventional and accepted speedy way we have sex circumscribes and reduces our experience of living in our extraordinarily beautiful human bodies. Slow sex enables us to physically and consciously create love and happiness, nourishing us on extremely profound and life-changing levels.

2

THE SEXUAL POWER OF RELAXATION

M
any of us are under the mistaken impression that relaxation is some kind of floppy, collapsed, and more-or-less dead state. This is definitely not true. Deep relaxation brings about a state of inner aliveness and vitality. The real by-product of relaxation is a sense of regeneration, of feeling refreshed and uplifted.

THE BREVITY OF THE SEX ACT

Humans are living not only longer, but faster. We seem to be speeding up by the day and by the decade. The stress levels that accompany all this speed are acute and cumulative, and penetrate deeply into many aspects of our lives, including our sex lives. Generally speaking, sex often is, and has always been, a speedy and short-lived event. If what we see in the movies and what we know from our own sexual experiences is anything to go by, then sex is mostly comprised of fleeting encounters of the “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am!” variety.

At present the universal average time of a sexual encounter is estimated to be anywhere from two to three minutes—a time span of 120 to 180 seconds out of a day in which we live through 86,400 seconds. These “quickies” seem to serve one main purpose, and that is (for the man especially) to have an orgasm as quickly as possible.

Reaching orgasm means that sex is usually finished shortly after it starts. The perhaps much longed-for, or much fantasized, event is compressed into an astoundingly brief period of time. As humans we seem to mimic the animals around us, who are very efficient in their reproduction. They get the job over and done at high speed, because there is usually only one chance, and it’s now. But as humans we are granted the privilege of choice. We can engage in sex at any time of the day, week, or year, because we are not restricted to hormonally dictated mating seasons. So why do humans tend to want to get sex over with so quickly, particularly when we have more options in the matter than our animal friends? And then, even with the privilege of choice, strangely enough it often happens that we continually have the urge for the same thing, over and over. It’s as if we are caught in a cycle of unfulfilled sexual desire—longing for it, getting it, but only as a temporary measure. Soon the urge or desire will arise again, but satisfying it doesn’t seem to leave us in a state of peace and contentment.

Seldom does one hear about a sexual engagement that is consciously extended, hour upon hour. My first really long lovemaking experience was thirteen hours nonstop, from dusk to dawn. At that point I had been more accustomed to five or six hours at a time. And then, at some time further on in my exploration, my new lover and I were in bed for a solid twenty-one days, apart from the minimum of time required to care for bodily needs. We ate only occasionally, finding ourselves satiated by something other than food. We were “in” love, constantly fused in an ecstatic state of timelessness and rapture, suspended in a miraculous web of the unfolding moment. We did not sleep, as we had no need of it. Night merged with day, day with night, in one continuum of sexual presence, passion, and spontaneity, literally tapped into an awesome, abundant source of life.

Some people experience similar remarkable exchanges and interactions of a higher frequency, but invariably these connections happen spontaneously, and are likely to be relatively isolated. Usually a person is unable to consciously create similar experiences on a sustained basis as a style of sexual expression.

The Tedium of Repetition

Even though there is certainly pleasure to be had in sexual quickies, the experience is essentially brief and there is simply not enough time for anything exotic or extraordinary to happen between two bodies. Bodies are similar to musical instruments, and usually need to first be tuned individually. Then they need time to warm up and attune to each other. Only then is it possible for the sounds to dance together in the creation of a musically engaging piece. But usually, where the musical creativity of sex is concerned, many people will admit that the experience can be repetitive and a little bit boring (unless we change partners to spice things up). The repetition is not inherent to sex itself, but occurs because we are sticking to certain sexual habits and patterns. In some cases it’s even an addiction—doing more or less the same thing, year in and year out. We don’t really know how to bring variety and creativity into our sexual encounters. The full spectrum of human sexual experience allows us to consciously choose to make a fundamental shift in our sexual ways. When we are able to transcend our habits and patterns, we are easily able to generate and make love in the way we were designed by the Divine. Through engaging in a more informed style of sexual interaction we are able to create love, joy, and sustenance for ourselves.

RELAXATION IS VITAL FOR THE SEXUAL METABOLISM

The way forward for us as humans is to engage in sex with increasing ease, leisure, and relaxation. In taking speed and stress out of the sexual act, we remove the performance pressure that comes with filling expectations and achieving goals. We allow time and space for the experience, in the sense of being able to extend the meeting as a matter of choice. A slow approach in sex acts like a “medicine” that is easily able to resolve and heal many long-term sexual problems and wounds that cause unhappiness, separation, and insecurity. The majority of our problems can be reduced to our sexual problems, so it is obvious that we need to make some changes.

Being, Rather than Doing

Relaxation is generally something we afford ourselves only when most of our daily tasks are done. Trying to fit everything into our busy schedules frequently creates time-management stress, and we give little value to the benefits of sheer relaxation and the joy of doing nothing. When the endless list is more or less complete, only then do we grant ourselves permission to take a break. Often by this stage we fall into an exhausted sleep or drift off into a doze. Perhaps we read a book or watch television. These moments definitely represent time off, but they don’t amount to true relaxation, which is highly refreshing in its effects.

Many of us afford ourselves very little in the way of relaxation because we believe that to be “doing” something has intrinsic value. In fact, we sometimes feel that we are doing something wrong or feel guilty if we are doing, literally, nothing. Simply relaxing into a space of being, or non-doing, is judged by ourselves, and perhaps by others, as laziness or a lack of ambition and goals. We don’t approve of that in our speed- and goal-driven culture.

THE GOAL OF ORGASM INTERFERES WITH RELAXATION

Relaxation becomes a challenge when we have survival stress and anxiety compounded by many different goals to achieve, and dreams and expectations to fulfill. Sex, likewise, is filled to the brim with goals and expectations. We enter sex with an agenda, with a clear sense of knowing exactly what we want or expect. Then we set about engineering these desired results with intention and tension. We base our approach on previous experiences, which are, in turn, rooted in conventional ideas about sex that we unconsciously inherit from our society.

In sex it is not common to simply relax and enjoy what is happening in the moment, waiting to see where our bodies want to take us, allowing things to evolve of their own accord. Our desire to have an orgasm, or “come,” is often why most of us want sex in the first place. Having the goal of orgasm causes stress about performance and satisfaction, so we rush toward the finish to make sure we get there. We get ahead of the body and use the body, pushing it, forcing it to obey and follow the mind’s instructions. However, the pressure and tension we bring into the situation has the ultimate and actual effect of making us less sensitive. The sheer speed of it all deadens us to the vitality and inner aliveness streaming through our human flesh. Being distracted by an anticipated orgasm and working toward building to a climax literally prevents us from being rooted in the body, from being in the here and now, connected to the actual moment-by-moment experience of the body.

Having orgasm as a goal causes a kind of absence because the focus lies slightly ahead of where we actually are. It make us always more interested in the
next
penetration, and not particularly interested in
this
one, because the next one will bring us closer to the desired goal, to the climax. In being one step ahead of ourselves, we miss the pure joy of devoting total attention to each glorious penetration, man giving and woman receiving in perfect communion. When we can be more still in mind and body, we can listen to our inner wisdom and and honor the natural ways of the body. Slowing down and relaxing away from goals will open up a new window of sexual experience to explore. Finding full value in sex, pursuing its human aspects and its great potential, lies beyond the boundaries of the common quickie.

Premature Ejaculation

Man has an easier time than woman in the quickie approach, in that sex is usually over when the man ejaculates. Often the man will finish well before the woman has sufficiently warmed up to the experience. For the majority of women, reaching an orgasm within a few minutes of penetration is not so easy. Ten, fifteen, or twenty minutes are not necessarily enough either. Women will often require additional stimulation of the clitoris in order to reach a climax. Yet the majority of men are not really able to hold back their ejaculation in order to intentionally extend lovemaking. Ejaculation will usually be experienced as an overwhelming wave, impossible to stop or sidestep. It takes control of the body, somewhat like a sneeze that suddenly emerges from nowhere and takes you over. To intentionally refrain from ejaculation, a man must from time to time relax back into his body and take several deep breaths. These pauses take the focus off increasing the excitement and help to bring more attention to the body in the present moment. As soon as orgasm as the goal of sex is dropped, relaxation into the present follows naturally.

The underlying reason for a man’s premature ejaculation is too much stress and tension, particularly in the form of sexual stimulation and excitement, which (as we will explore in later chapters) has little to do with pure pleasure and ecstasy. There are also many psychological stresses that create tension and contraction in the system, such as performance pressure and wanting to be successful, fear of not being good enough, fear of coming too soon, wanting to satisfy and please, ego desire to be this particular woman’s best lover ever, and so on. With relaxation, ejaculation can easily be postponed. The effort and stimulation necessary to achieve orgasm falls away, with the result that the whole system relaxes and the body is then able to be more present. If you want to avoid premature ejaculation, then drop the idea that orgasm is central to sex. Slowing down movements will automatically reduce the level of excitement, which is a good thing; it’s what we want. Even if a man has suffered from untimely ejaculation all his life, miracles are definitely possible when a relaxed sexual attitude is adopted. One man shared during a couples retreat several years ago that he had been able to overcome a thirty-year premature ejaculation problem
overnight,
simply by monitoring and reducing his level of excitement.

The suggestion to reduce the level of excitement holds true for women, too. If a woman wishes to make love for longer periods of time, she should reduce movements that cause stimulation and excitement, instead holding still at times, poised and present. One particularly good reason for a woman to avoid high levels of stimulation is that her excitement is frequently the trigger for a man’s early ejaculation. Fortunately, it is well within a woman’s power to relax back into herself and thereby postpone her partner’s ejaculation. Instead of going for an orgasm, she creates a situation that is inviting and welcoming, without being exciting. Remaining in the cooler zone of sexual experience will naturally keep a man’s ejaculation at bay.