Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (7 page)

There are a variety of positions from which to begin. Figure 4.1 shows the most basic and obvious possibility for the very first slow penetration. A thick flat pillow can be placed under the buttocks of the woman in order to raise the level of the pelvis and bring the vagina closer to the penis. The raised pelvic position will also change the angle of the vagina slightly, which enhances and deepens the connection between the penis and the vagina.

Fig. 4.1. Middle position, man kneeling (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Eye contact is easily managed here and will have a strong impact on the experience of gradual penetration. Lovers can allow their eyes to meet in a soft, inviting way as described in the exercise at the end of chapter 3. Eye contact can be held for the duration, although partners may close their eyes any time they wish to feel more attuned to the interior of their own bodies. One partner can have eyes open, the other closed—choose whatever brings more awareness into the situation. Do note that with closed eyes it is possible to drift away a little, and become slightly absent. It’s also easier to get lost in sexual fantasy when your eyes are closed.

After a time, when the man has entered the woman fully, he can at any time change position, as illustrated in figures 4.2 and 4.3. In slow and gradual steps the man can eventually come to rest gently lying on top of his woman. In this position eye contact is often possible, other times not. It really depends on how you lie and the relative position of the two pairs of eyes.

Fig. 4.2. Middle position, man on hands and knees (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Fig. 4.3. Middle position, man lying forward, half kneeling (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Figure 4.4 shows another position option for extended slow penetration, in which both man and woman are lying on their sides. The man is actually lying between the woman’s legs. In this position it is easy to make a slow, conscious journey and at the same time hold eye contact.

Fig. 4.4. Couple rolled to one side

Pain or Burning Sensations

It may be that the woman experiences some pain, even at the very entrance or perhaps just an inch inside the vagina. If a woman experiences any slight (or severe) sensation of burning or stinging in the tissues of the vagina as the man travels slowly inside her, she should communicate what is happening and ask him to stop in that uncomfortable place for several seconds. It is strongly advised that when he stops, the man also then pulls back a fraction so that the burning sensation or tension is reduced. This fraction of space allows tensions to move. In any case, stay with the penis head wherever pain presents itself.

Many men report that when they are slow and sensitive they can feel exactly what is happening within the vagina. The head of the penis is able to sense when and where the vaginal tissues are tight, hard, soft, receptive, defensive, relaxing, or melting. (This aspect will be addressed in depth in chapter 8.) It may take some time until the vaginal tissues relax sufficiently to allow the man to continue the entry. The time it takes is the time is takes. There is no hurry and no place for speed when it comes to entering a woman’s body.

The woman can support herself by breathing deeply into her belly, taking her awareness and inner attention deep into the vaginal tissues as she relaxes and widens the canal. As she does so, the vagina becomes more receptive and welcoming, and man will immediately perceive this internal invitation, a giving way or yielding in the tissues. Buried feelings can also come to the surface for release and expression, which is a significant aspect of healing that we will address later.

STILLNESS AS AN ASPECT OF SLOWNESS

Slowness includes stillness. Slowness can transform into stillness and nonmovement at any point in which discomfort is experienced, when the “end” of the canal is reached, or when the man has arrived as far as he can go. There should be no pushing into or pressure on the cervix, which is the very sensitive entrance to the womb. Pressure can be very painful for a woman, so man must take care to pull back a fraction of an inch until pain is not experienced so that woman is able to relax and be open and receptive to the penis.

Moments or minutes of stillness can be extended to hours, if that is what both people wish. Space allows for the interplay of dynamic and receptive forces, and time allows them to respond to each other more fully. Sustain and stay with the stillness of the penetration before resuming movement. Man can hold (or intentionally direct) his awareness into the root or base of the penis and also into the head, which is like a highly sensitive and powerful magnet (see chapter 8 on healing). To support his dynamic qualities man can imagine light energy, or gold, or love emanating from the root of his penis. While you are paused, consciously take a breath into the belly. Then scan the body by relaxing the shoulders, jaw, belly, genitals, and so on. Scan the body from head to toe and release tensions, because these cause a contraction in your energy field. Conscious relaxation of any body part will usually trigger a delicious deep breath as a wave of fine cellular sensation courses through your body in celebration. Enjoy and value being in the sexual experience without having the feeling that you have to do something. Enjoy simply being. All that is needed in the sense of doing or effort is to inwardly direct the attention to the body, and particularly into the genital tissues. Direct your awareness not only to the external surface and head of the penis but also into the very cells that comprise the tissues and muscles of the penis. For woman, move your attention from the clitoris into the tissues and muscles of the vaginal canal.

Pause for a little bit to enjoy the “now” before moving on, and then, when you sense it’s the right or fitting moment, continue onward or move very slowly in the opposite direction. Halt every so often and feel into the experience; feel what you feel. Give the genitals space to become alive to themselves and alive to each other through your inner attention. Remember again the maxim, “Where attention goes, energy flows.” The genitals are now “in a position” that makes inner sense to them, and the experience of new dimensions can become a reality.

Slow movements can be repeated over and over again, although you will discover that each move feels unique. What you feel and how you feel changes on each and every occasion. The bottom line is that we are wanting to establish a “correspondence” of genitals, and we put them in a position to behave according to the inherent polarities of receptive and dynamic. In normal sex the correspondence of these opposite forces is usually not happening. When we use the genitals in a mechanical, rubbing, friction-type way it certainly causes quite a stir, but at the same time it blocks access to the subtle inner potential. Through fast movement the genitals get overheated and overcharged, finally finishing up in orgasm. Being slow and still, however, allows a gently flowing cool stream of vitality to arise between them.

It is empowering to experience these subtle yet vital forces in the body, because individuals begin to feel more secure and authentic. Man feels and looks more man-like, more masculine; while woman feels and looks more womanly, more feminine. Both look younger, radiant, and relaxed. Having such experiences makes a qualitative difference to our lives with the feeling that we are stepping into a new relationship altogether.

ROTATING POSITIONS AROUND THE GENITAL CONNECTION

From time to time you will need or wish to move your bodies around to find new positions, and again relax into them. A part of the body, say the legs or back, will get uncomfortable after a bit, and when this happens, it’s an appropriate time to move on. A change of position can be done at any time, after five, fifteen, or fifty minutes, whatever is required. It will bring fresh energy into the situation; you will experience yourself as more alive, alert, and sensitive. One of you will communicate your wish to move, and then you can move in unison according to the rotating style illustrated in figures 4.5 and 4.6.

Fig. 4.5. Sequence of rotating positions through front