SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (15 page)

Firmly asserting that you would never be interested in some particular SM activity often comes under the type of behavior sometimes known as “tempting the gods.”

Nobody is 100% dominant or submissive.
I have met thousands of SM practitioners over the years. Some have insisted that they are completely dominant or submissive. I’m willing to believe that usually the statement was an honest one
at the time it was made.
However, in practice, it just doesn’t seem the case. What they tell you in the presence of others at 9 p.m. is one thing. What they tell you in private at 3 a.m. is often another. They may or may not choose to act upon their “taboo” desires, but I’ve yet to meet anyone who didn’t have at least some fantasies about taking the opposite role.

Among other things, always playing in one role runs a very high risk of eventually getting
boring.
This can be particularly true of being dominant - a role that usually involves relatively few surprises.

Also, I think that if you always play in one role, eventually you will become very curious about what it’s like “on the other side.”

Finally, and I’ve used this argument effectively on several dominants, if you take the opposite role, you’ll learn when the other side is getting away with something. Taking the other role at least occasionally gives you an empathy, perspective, and understanding that you just can’t acquire any other way.

Having said the above, I must add that most people do come to prefer one role or the other. This preference usually takes at least a year of substantial exploration to find, but it’s usually there. Just as essentially nobody is 100% dominant or submissive, very few people are equally comfortable with both roles. Most have a preference. I, for example, usually prefer the dominant role, but I do have a submissive side. I have learned (through the wrong type of painful experience) that I must be careful about who I let have access to it, but I have had many of my most profound SM moments while playing in my not-usual role.

I like big penises. There more to torture!

Learn How It Feels

Another basic and important SM teaching is that you should learn how a new toy feels on your own body before using it on anybody else. This is particularly true of whips, paddles, clamps, and other items that cause pain.

You can either use the item on yourself or have somebody else use it on you. It’s very common to see people, especially dominants, whapping themselves on the forearm, thigh, back, or other location and then pausing to feel the sensation. The sight often reminds me of wine connoisseurs at a tasting. Indeed, highly experienced practitioners can often take up a new whip, tap themselves very lightly with it a few times, and exchange knowing glances (and often wicked smiles) with each other.

This principle also applies to experiences. For example, a wise dominant will not ask a submissive to kneel for 30 minutes on a hard floor unless they have done that themselves. Also, because empathy is important, dominants will do it again if it’s been a while since they last did that.

Such experiences help you grow. Provided you pick the who, what, where, and when
very
carefully, you will learn a great deal about giving a spanking by getting a spanking, you will learn a great deal about giving a skillful whipping by getting a skillful whipping, and you will learn a great deal about being a dominant by spending some time as a submissive.

There is one caution that I need to include here. This matter always has two components: (1) the experience itself, and (2) how the person involved reacts to the experience. The same whipping might feel joyous to one person but awful to another (also, some submissives are “into” feeling awful). Still, it’s always valuable to have a good idea of what the experience feels like from the other side.

The goal of a first session.
The first time you play with a new partner is the time things are most likely to go wrong. Also, it’s the time your (and their) hormones are likeliest to be at their highest pitch - and clouding judgment.

That being so, the first session is often the one that needs the most structure, negotiation, and limits.
In many ways, it’s much more important that the first session not end badly than that it end really, really well.

Come over here and kneel in front of me.

Don’t try to do too many different things in your first session with a new person. If you try two new activities, that’s plenty. Go easy on the bondage and go easy on the pain.
In particular
,
don’t mix types of pain.
The classic mistake is to mix the pain of nipple damps with the pain of a whipping on a partner new to both. This approach can almost guarantee that the submissive will reach their “emotional overload” point and cause a terrible end to the session. A much safer approach is to play with only one type of pain in a session. Spanking or clamps is often about right.

If you’re not already in a long-term relationship with this person, don’t try to start one now. Remember, this is much more about getting to know each other than it is about trying new and strange forms of erotic play, yet there’s a tendency to try to do “everything” the first time you play together. The dominant, as “captain of the ship,” must especially understand the considerable danger of this approach and resist the temptation.

A highly useful rule is that the best possible ending of a first session is with both parties feeling slightly frustrated and thinking that they could have gone further than they did.
A little bit of such frustration can actually be fun. And, of course, if the first session did end in this happy way, you can usually arrange a second session quickly.

Setting the Scene

In a word: orderliness. SM, like mountain climbing, scuba diving, or skydiving, involves substantial risk. An orderly approach to both its psychological and physical aspects greatly reduces this risk. Such an approach also reassures the submissive and/or the novice.

Key point:
Sloppiness in a dominant is ominous.
Orderliness need not stifle spontaneity or creativity; rather, it often enhances them.

Orderliness has eight basic parts: time, cleanliness, equipment preparation, privacy, lighting, temperature, music, and other matters.

Time. An “SM quickie” is almost a contradiction in terms. While experienced players can do them enjoyably, quickies can be dangerous if anything or anyone is unfamiliar. Most SM takes considerable time.

How much time? If this is a new partner, allow about three hours. Figure half an hour for negotiations, general discussion, and “getting in the mood,” two hours for the session itself, and at least another half-hour for post-session straight time.

Note: Don’t wait until late in the evening to play with somebody new. You don’t want sleepiness to intrude. Nobody can feel too erotic, or conduct a proper negotiation, if they’re dozing off. Also, emotional upsets and physical errors are
much
more likely if either person is tired. Caution: This is true even if the players don’t feel tired.

Understand that any play that takes place after your normal bedtime is likely to be much riskier, even if it doesn’t feel that way. My primary inclination is dominant, and it is not easy for me to “go under” for somebody else. I, and my play partners, have learned through painful experience that a session in which I am submissive is much more likely to end badly if it takes place late in the evening.

I only let adorable people beat me.

Cleanliness.
Dusty bedside tables, dirty sheets, unvacuumed rugs, and so forth kill erotic arousal. Clean up the place before the session, especially if playing with someone new.

Equipment preparation.
You’ll want your toys clean, neat, handy, and in good repair. Running into the bathroom, rummaging through a drawer, or otherwise unnecessarily fussing and fumbling to get something, drains the erotic energy. Get everything ready and in position beforehand. One caution: Don’t spook a novice by having too many toys in view. Keep them discreetly out of sight in a handy drawer, case, or closet.

Privacy.
Play in private. This means play only in the presence of people who feel comfortable about what’s happening. The dominant has the primary duty of ensuring privacy. The more experienced player also has a strong duty, as does the person whose place is used.

Privacy usually has two major parts and one minor part. These are sight privacy, sound privacy, and smell privacy.

What can an outsider see? Have you actually gone outside your bedroom/dungeon/playroom and looked in the supposedly draped windows? What about at night? The angle of the blinds can make a major difference regarding what an outsider can see.

What can an outsider hear? Sounds carry much farther at night (when it’s quieter) than during the day. High-pitched sounds, such as a woman’s screams, carry farther than low-pitched sounds. It’s quite sensible to “test out” your new playroom by inviting a few friends and/or lovers over and deliberately making those “special sounds.” Don’t forget to include whispered, spoken, and shouted speech. (I’ve been part of such testings, and they’re wonderful fun.)

If it’s your place, make sure you personally go outside and listen to both the sound level and identifiability of what you hear.

Sometimes my nipples feel hungry for clamps.

Keep in mind that several incidents have occurred in which the sounds coming from an SM play session prompted “vanilla” neighbors and/or passers-by to call the cops. Also keep in mind that cops responding to “woman screaming for help” type of calls tend to be, shall we say, a tiny bit more aggressive than normal - and trying to explain matters like consensuality and safewords while looking down gun barrels can be such a bore.

Footnote: There is also the very real concern that many states now have “mandatory arrest” laws cops must follow regarding domestic disputes that involve
any
violence, no matter how slight. An SM scene that involves restraints, whips, bruises, welts, and so forth could easily be mistaken for an extreme form of ritualized domestic violence by an uninformed police officer. This can result (even if the submissive strongly objects) in the dominant being taken away in handcuffs, seizure of their toys, criminal charges, and names appearing in newspapers.

To help prevent such misunderstandings, some SM club members have helped educate local police officers, prosecutors, defense attorneys, health professionals, and relevant others about the differences between consensual SM and nonconsensual abuse. I wish more clubs would get involved in this. Feel free to contact me if you want my help.

Another footnote: Music does mask the sounds of SM play, but not as much as many players believe it does. Don’t rely overmuch on music to “cover your tracks.”

Finally, there’s “smell privacy.” This is normally not much of a problem, but remember that odors from menthol-containing creams, incense, cigarette smoke, perfumes, and bodies can linger in rooms, on clothing and bedding, and on both your hair and body for up to several days after a session. It might also be worth keeping in mind that women, as a rule, tend to have a sharper sense of smell than men have. (I’ve known several who must have been part bloodhound.)

By the way, O Great and Mighty Dominant, you did remember to lock the household’s exterior doors before beginning the session, didn’t you?

Some people like to play SM more publicly, but this is generally frowned upon both within the SM community and by “straight” people. Among other things, making an obvious, non-private display of SM raises a serious consensuality issue. You might fantasize that it would be fun to shock your relatives by having your slave-husband kiss your boots during the family Thanksgiving dinner, but doing so would be an assault on the other people present.

Similarly, be careful about playing in “publicly private” areas, such as woodlands. Let’s say you take your girlfriend into the woods, bind her hands behind her back, tear open her blouse, and force her onto her knees to suck your cock while you have one hand jammed into her hair and another holding a doubled-over, heavy belt. (All this is done, of course, only after getting her hearty consent well in advance.) How would this look to a passer-by? A well-meaning “rescuer” might break your neck before either of you could explain.

Some people who own private farms and similar places make them available to couples and clubs for outdoor play. That should be somewhat safe, but remember that screams and other sounds may carry a “country mile.” This is especially true of high-pitched sounds such as a woman’s screams, and of sounds made at night.

When playing at home, consider that your non-SM apartment mate, to whom you are not out of the closet, might walk in and find you and your lover deeply involved in a session. Again, a violent misunderstanding could occur. Warn your roommate. Tell them your new lover is a bit kinky, and you’re thinking of exploring it with them. If they walk in and find one or the other of you tied up and getting whipped, ask them please not to overreact.

Also, think twice about doing things like leading your handcuffed lover down the street on a leash, except perhaps during Halloween - particularly if either of you is female. Such behavior, regardless of whether it’s female-dominant or female-submissive, often provokes a strong negative reaction, particularly among excruciatingly politically correct, “feminist” women.

(I should point out that many younger feminists are much more supportive of SM than their older “sisters” are - and may even be somewhat “in your face” about flaunting their support. SM is a bitterly controversial matter within the feminist community, but gradually gaining acceptance.)

About as far as you might go in public would be to wear SM symbols. Collars and handcuffs are becoming common items of jewelry and decoration, as are handcuff keys, leather wrist bands, and, to a lesser degree, leather rings. I suggest you avoid carrying whips. Among other things, there’s a chance that an unamused or unenlightened cop might arrest you for carrying a weapon.