SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (19 page)

I feel I must also note the old saying, “Marrying money is the hardest way to earn it.” I think marriage should be based on mutual love, attraction, caring, and respect. Don’t marry the guy if you don’t both love and like him. It almost never works out, and both people are left hurt and unhappy.

I’m totally enjoying being owned.

2. Be
very
careful about revealing your telephone number.

Remember, every now and then (very rarely), some jerk just won’t know when to quit. Generally, you should be willing to accept a man’s home number, but be very conservative about giving him yours. Ordinary social etiquette doesn’t apply here. Explain to the man that you don’t give your number to someone you don’t know well. He should understand and graciously accept that. If he doesn’t, you should probably write him off right there (and return his number, again right there).

Seriously consider having a second line installed. Particularly with new Caller-ID and “star-69” technologies, you don’t want to answer SM-oriented calls on your regular line. You can give out this unlisted “sex phone” number more freely. Of course, you’ll want an answering machine, with call-screening, for this line. Another alternative is getting a private voice mail number for callers to leave messages.

If you’re on-line, trading e-mail addresses offers a good alternative way that you and he can get to know each other better without taking the risk of sharing home addresses or phone numbers.

Also, if a man gives you his number, but you don’t give him yours, and you decide you want to see him again, you’ll have to overcome your ladylike inhibition against calling a man. This is only painful at first. Remember, he probably will be delighted to hear from you. (On the other hand, he may not feel delighted. If he doesn’t wish to pursue the contact, you must accept his turndown every bit as graciously and pleasantly as you would want him to accept yours.)

3. As you come into the club, take your time, look around, and talk to many different members.

Don’t get deeply involved with the first man you meet. Check out the field. Remember, particularly in this, the time of AIDS, you may not want to do a lot of partner-changing. Be picky, and choose a man you feel you could spend some time with.

Running a personal ad.
If you are somewhat isolated, you might consider running an ad. If you do, keep in mind that you will probably get a flood of responses. Some will be somewhat bizarre or obscene. Some will be (unintentionally) hysterically funny. But many will be from reasonable men.

I suggest the following safety precautions: if you get an obscene, obsessive, or generally bizarre letter (or package, or audiotape, or whatever) the best action is throw it away. Above all,
don’t answer it.
Not even to give this jerk the “drop dead” reply he obviously deserves. Understand that any response, no matter how hostile, will encourage him. Just forget it. If he sends several letters, do the same. Don’t even open them.

If he tries to send a letter by certified or registered mail (which you have to sign for to accept), just refuse it. The post office will leave a notice in your box that they are holding a certified or registered letter for you and that they will send it back if you don’t pick it up (and sign for it) within a certain time. Let them send it back.

If would be a good idea, therefore, to refuse
any
registered or certified mail that comes to your P.O. box. This guy may put his latest letter in an “innocent” or “official” envelope to trick you into signing for it, so simply refuse everything.

Subpoint: Make sure you rent your P.O. box as a private citizen. If you rent as a commercial firm, the post office is required by law to disclose your name and address under certain circumstances.

If you use a commercial “maildrop,” instruct them to refuse to sign for registered or certified mail that comes for you.

When going over your responses, remember that these men have revealed one of the most private, intimate parts of their lives to you. Unfortunately, some are terribly indiscreet. They will list their home address, full legal name, home and work phone numbers, and send photographs of themselves - sometimes full-frontal, erect-penis nudes. Some will include obscene letters, sometimes written on their company’s letterhead stationery.

Basic Answering Rules:

1. Unsolicited nude photos = no reply.

2. “Obscene” letters = no reply.

3. Letters on “letterhead” = no reply.

A considerate man will send you a brief letter initially - usually no more than two pages long. The letter will briefly describe his race, sex, age, weight, and height. He will discuss his interests and hobbies other than SM or any other aspect of sexuality. If he has herpes, is HIV-positive, smokes, or has custody of his children, he should mention that.

Leather’s OK, but what really turns me on is a guy in denim.

He might include a portrait-type photograph of himself (although the absence of a photo is not necessarily a bad sign; men, too, need to be discreet) and maybe a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your reply.

He may also include his home phone number. Be suspicious of a man who only sends his work number, or his answering service number, or any other number besides his home phone number. It’s almost 100% certain that a man unwilling to give you his home number, but willing to give you another, is married.

His initial letter may not include any number, and that may show cautious discretion. (After all, he has no way of knowing what type of clinging, obsessive lunatic
you
might be. You could, for all he knows, start calling him 50 times a day.)

In any event, promptly throw away any letters from men who don’t interest you. Don’t keep them. You don’t want those letters to fall into indiscreet hands.

Women Looking For Women

Many lesbians are more open to experimenting with SM than they were in the past. It’s still not “politically correct” and so you may have to be discreet, but you should be able to find someone. (I’ve heard a semi-joke that the only politically correct sex for women is celibate lesbianism - including no masturbation.)

A few large cities have lesbian bars. They also have many lesbian organizations. Women-only SM organizations are often listed in local weekly or monthly “alternative” or “feminist” newspapers. SM-positive magazines aimed at lesbians are listed in the “Resources” chapter. Note: Some women’s bookstores refuse to carry such magazines. They apparently feel that “a woman’s right to choose” does not extend to reading matter. Boycott such stores, and make sure they know that you’re doing so, and why.

Bright note: once you contact the lesbian SM community, you should quickly meet many “kindred spirits.”

Final note: Many members of the “vanilla” lesbian community despise the “straight” world because it discriminates against them on the basis of their sexual orientation. I hope these women will soon quit discriminating against their SM sisters on exactly the same basis.

I never had an SM fantasy until my girlfriend gave me a spanking for my 40th birthday.

Anyone who opposes a woman’s right to engage in whatever consensual, responsible form of sexual behavior that she feels is best for her needs a refresher course on the full meaning of “a woman’s right to choose.”

Men Looking For Men

SM has long been a matter of intense interest among gay men. Most of the stores that sell SM-type leather gear are oriented mainly toward a gay male clientele. (Although they are getting an ever-increasing number of lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual customers.)

In any event, finding partners is almost too easy for gay men, especially in major cities. Most such cities have leather bars where gay men interested in SM can meet partners. Men commonly attend dressed in a “full leather drag” of boots, chaps, jacket, and cap all made of black leather. Black leather bracelets, vests, collars, arm bands, and other accessories abound. Handcuffs and whips hang from belts.

There aren’t as many bars as there used to be. The AIDS crisis has devastated the leather subculture of the gay community as much as any other part of it, but some bars survive.

Many magazines and newspapers aimed toward gay men also carry many commercial and personal SM ads.

So gay men have it easy in one respect because, more so than any other group, they can readily find potential partners. In another respect, they have a problem. Having sex with a stranger always carries risks (including, nowadays, the obvious risk of AIDS), but having SM sex with a stranger almost invites disaster.

Most of the murders I have heard of in the SM community have involved gay men playing with someone they just met. Let me add that these murders are rare, but they happen.

In many respects, gay men deserve most of the credit for being the pioneers of safe, consensual SM. They founded (and continue to found) SM clubs where interested people can meet others who are oriented, educated, and screened. Incidents of unsafe or nonconsensual behavior are almost unknown at these clubs. I strongly suggest that any interested gay man contact a local SM club.

Please let me obey you.

Introducing SM Into an Existing Relationship

It’s great to meet a new partner at an SM event or through a kinky personal ad. You both know, from the beginning, what’s likely to happen during sex. Nobody is likely to panic at the sight of a whip, set of cuffs, or other toys. Unfortunately, most people - especially heterosexual, single men - must still find their partners in the “straight” world.

The situation in that world is better than it was. SM is not nearly as taboo and underground as it was even ten years ago. Many people, for example, now have some idea that SM is a negotiated activity. They’ve heard something about safewords and so forth, but they’ve never played.

How, when, and where should you bring up SM play with a new partner? This is perhaps
the
key question, especially if you believe they are an “SM virgin” with no fantasies or experience.

The basic answer is: gradually, but relatively early.

One tip:
Don’t
“intellectually” discuss SM with someone you feel attracted to, but haven’t yet played with - especially if they’re an SM virgin. Their understanding of SM is probably wildly inaccurate. While you are thinking of whips, passionate moans, and orgasms, they may be thinking torture, rape, and chainsaws. No wonder they aren’t interested! (Intellectual discussions are best held after playing, preferably after playing several times. Many questions answer themselves during play.)

Remember, as good salespeople know, once the customer has said “no,” it’s hard to change their minds. In my experience, “intellectually” discussing SM with an inexperienced person almost inevitably leads to them saying, “I’m not at all interested in that stuff.” If you try to persuade them to play once they’ve said that, they’ll usually refuse.

All a woman has to do is pinch my nipples and bang, that’s it, I’ll come.

“Springing” SM on a potential partner is a terrible idea. A “surprise attack” may relieve some of your anxiety about how to bring it up, but it will almost always radically
increase
their resistance. If you try to tie them up or whip them without prior negotiation, you risk a bloody nose or worse - perhaps
much
worse. Remember, in most cases, the person you propose playing SM with will feel considerable anxiety and resistance. Never force the situation.

First establish a mutually satisfying “vanilla” (conventional) sexual relationship with your new partner. Remember that “a strange person with even stranger desires” will usually be rejected. You want your potential play partner to get to knowyou; you also want to get to know them. A woman thinking “Tom wants to tie me up” is much more likely to consent than a woman thinking “This guy wants to tie me up.”

I’m often asked how to tell if a person is likely to want to be dominant or submissive. My basic answer is: “You can’t.” I have tried. Believe me, I have tried. After years of trying, I gave up. You just can’t reliably tell. You just have to get them in the playroom and see how they react.

One
possible
indicator is their attitude toward oral sex. (Which you find out in bed, not by asking.) I personally have never met a good submissive who didn’t love giving head.

Once you know how sexually compatible the two of you are, and how they feel about performing oral sex, you might proceed. One note: Many people don’t like receptive anal sex because it hurts them. Don’t make sweeping conclusions if they refuse it on those grounds.

How they feel about conventional sex toys such as dildoes, vibrators, lotions, and feathers also can be a hint. If they like them, that’s a good sign. The outlook is bleak if you get a frosty reaction like, “I don’t need any artificial help.”

Raise the topic of SM play before the relationship gets too deep. I have met many people who spent years in unhappy relationships because one person wanted SM play and the other couldn’t stand the idea. An end to the relationship was the most common outcome. Please don’t get seriously involved with someone unless you are sexually compatible.

No two people match exactly, but if one of you strongly wants something the other cannot stand, find that out early. Certainly find out before you move in together. (Interestingly enough, I have also met couples in which both people were interested in SM, but neither one dared to raise the subject with their partner.)

On the other hand, you don’t want to bring SM play up too early or you’ll likely frighten them away. A good rule is, “No SM on the first date” (meaning the first time you go to bed).

I think the method most likely to succeed in introducing SM is to do it, without discussion, during the heat of passion. Try mild “mainstream” activities such as biting, scratching, and pinching. Erotically “order” them to do something. Notice how your lover reacts. Remember to avoid heavy intensity, and to avoid doing too many different things. (Be extra-sensitive to their reactions and remember that the regular rules regarding consent still apply here. “Stop” still means stop. “No” still means no.)