SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (51 page)

I like to be tied to a chair so that I can look out at a busy street. Everybody is free to move around but me.

Step three: check your local publications.
Check out your local coffee shops, libraries, bookstores, and newsstands for free or low-cost periodicals that cover events in your area. Check particularly for the more “alternative” and gay/lesbian periodicals. They frequently contain basic contact information regarding local SM organizations, and often contain SM personal ads as well.

Step four: check national periodicals and guide-books.
Several national periodicals contain listings of local SM groups. Such publications include
Sandmutopian Guardian, Leather Journal, Boudoir Noir,
and
Prometheus.
Books to check out include “The Black Book,” “The Bob Damron Guide,” and “Places of Interest to Women.”

Step five: check the Internet.
Announcements of “open to the public” meetings ofSM groups more than occasionally appear on the Internet. Check out the alt.sex.bondage, alt.sex.femdom, and alt.sex.spanking newsgroups. Be particularly alert for announcements of “munches” in your area. If you don’t see anything listed there, you might consider posting a polite query asking about any SM-related organizations or groups in your area.

Step six: check related groups.
Many types of people tend to gravitate toward SM, and if you can learn where such people hang out, you may find some SM people, or people open to experimenting, among them. One such category of people are folks with a combination of high intelligence and an active fantasy life. Many such folks are found in science fiction fandom (many science fiction conventions, or “cons,” have the occasional play party going on behind the scenes), gaming groups, Mensa, and the Society for Creative Anachronism. (One well-traveled dominant lady I know says that when she finds herself in a strange city, all she has to do to find play partners quickly is to find the local SCA chapter.)

Another category is people who have a spiritual connection with human sexuality, such as tantra practitioners (check out the magazine “Tantra” and the alt.magick.tantra newsgroup) and pagans (look for the magazines “Green Egg” and “Shaman’s Drum,” or in the alt.pagan.magick and alt.magick.sex newsgroups). Internet and World Wide Web keyword searches on all of these topics can be useful.

Finally, many people who are into one form of alternative sexuality are into others as well; the folks you find at groups focusing on bisexuality, polyamory, transgenderism, and other such interests may often be into SM or open to experimentation.

Keep in mind, however, that “like attracts like.” If you don’t know your Asimov from a Heinlein in the ground, and you show up at a science fiction convention looking for play partners, you’ll (rightfully) be given a cold shoulder. Similarly, heterosexuals cruising bisexuality events looking for SM partners will be shunned if not banned outright. Still, if any of these ideas correspond to any of your personal interests, they may represent a place to look for kindred spirits.

I’ve been his slave for about a year.

Making contact. By now, you should have at least a few leads. (If you don’t have any leads, it’s possible that no local organization exists in your area. That means that you may have to travel to an organization in a nearby, bigger city. It also means that you might want to look into the possibility of starting an organization on your own.)

Let’s say that you have a lead or two. What do you do now? The first thing you do, and this is very important, is follow the contactinstructions to the letter. These groups tend to get a
lot of
inquiries, so they don’t look favorably on those who don’t follow instructions properly — and often refuse to have any further contact with them.

Follow the instructions to the letter. If it says to call a certain phone number only between certain times, call only during those times. If it says to send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to a certain address, make certain that your letter contains a properly stamped and addressed return envelope. If it says to meet at a certain time at a certain place, be there at the right time.

One caution: Alegitimate organization will need very little information from you at first — usually only a phone number, mailing address, or e-mail address, and maybe a first name. Be suspicious of any requests for further information, particularly requests for information of a personal or sexual nature. While such events are rare, every now and then someone will falsely claim to be starting or running an SM club.

Etiquette. Certain standards of behavior have evolved over many years of SM parties to ensure the maximum comfort and safety of the guests. These are some of the most common points of good manners in that community. Be sure to ask what the “local customs” are.

1. Courtesy always. As a rule, the higher a person’s status in this community, the nicer and more courteous they are. People, especially dominants, who “cop an attitude” are likely to become laughingstocks. For example, you do not have to address anybody as “Master” or “Mistress” unless you want to and doing so is all right with them. Nobody has the right to expect you to act submissive (or dominant) to them unless you have previously agreed to do that.

2. Be very careful about who and what you touch. Other than the ordinary handshakes associated with routine courtesy, it’s wrong for you to touch another person or their property, or for them to touch you or your property, without first getting permission. Remember the point of handshake etiquette that a gentleman never extends his hand to a lady, but rather always waits for her to extend her hand, if that’s what she feels like doing.

Also, the times being what they are, affectionate hugging is much more common in social situations than it used to be, and this custom can be wonderful. Just don’t be aggressive or intrusive about it, particularly if you’re a man who likes hugging women. Additionally, people who enjoy being hugged may hate it (and you!) if the hug includes picking them up off the ground. I have seen some moron males do this as a way of running a nonconsensual power trip on dominant women, and it’s a great way to make an instant, bitter enemy. When hugging, never lift anybody off the ground without first getting their permission.

3. Respectroles, choices and orientations. It’s not “better” to be dominant than submissive. It’s not “better” to be a heavy, frequent player than a light, infrequent player. It’s most certainly not “better” to be heterosexual than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. (It’s also not better to be gay than heterosexual.)

4. Respect people’s privacy. In particular, avoid all but the least intrusive questions about where people live or what kind of work they do. It’s fine if they volunteer such information, but don’t probe.

5. Phone numbers and home addresses are particularly sensitive information. It’s very rude to ask a third person for the phone number of someone you’re interested in seeing again. Either offer your number to the person you’re interested in or ask the third person if they’re willing (and able) to pass your number on to the person who interests you.

6. Keep answering machine messages discreet. Unless you are leaving a message on an answering machine specifically set up to take SM-type messages, choose your words carefully. Spouses, kids, roommates, and others not in the scene may hear them. Therefore, references to “the party” and “the meeting” are highly preferable to more graphic terms.

7. Watch play from a respectful distance. If you see people playing together, as you might at a party, watch from a discreet distance. They

shouldn’t be able to notice your presence or your comments, particularly any negative comments. (Ifyou have questions or concerns about what they’re doing, ask the dungeon monitor or partygiver.) Also, it’s usually best to wait about approaching either player to ask questions or otherwise talk until the scene is over.

Subpoint #1: Never join a “scene in progress” unless you first get the dominant’s permission (and don’t be surprised if the dominant discusses it with the submissive before deciding.)

Subpoint #2: Once you are done using a piece of equipment, such as a whipping post or doctor’s examination table, clear off of it so others can use it. Of course you will leave it in spotlessly clean condition.

I’m really into being bitten.

Subpoint #3: Routine social conversation should be done well away from play areas. Talk about everyday matters shouldn’t be audible to someone involved in a session.

8. Be willing to take “no” for an answer. Clubs understand that a certain amount of cruising takes place. However, if you meet someone you want to have more contact with, but they don’t have a similar desire, don’t press your case beyond a mild degree. Instead, move on to someone else. The sooner you move on after hearing a “no,” the sooner you’ll hear a “yes.”

9. Play by the rules. Show up at the proper time, with the proper admission fee (preferably cash), and with the proper attitude for that particular event. Don’t show up single at a “couples only” event unless you’ve had that approved in advance. Find out the ground rules for that particular event and stay within them. (Don’t argue about the ground rules or try to change them at the event itself. Save your concerns for later.)

10. If you RSVP, then show up. Many people who put on events buy food and other supplies based on the number of people who say that they will attend. If you RSVP and then don’t show up, the person putting on the event is stuck with the extra supplies, and un-fond memories of you. If you can’t “de-RSVP” by the deadline, then at least offer to pay to cover the cost of your materials. (Some clubs now have an “RSVP no-show fee” that you have to pay beforeyou can be admitted to their next event.)

11. Beware of gossip. In particular, try never to say something bad about somebody not present that you haven’t already said to their face. Your remarks get back to the person being talked about more often than you might think, and can lead to serious bitterness and interpersonal difficulties. Malicious gossip can be terribly destructive; spreading it usually says more about the spreader than it does about the subject of the gossip. People with reputations for engaging in gossip are not generally held in high regard.

12. As you spend time around some of the more “open to the public” organizations, you may hear about more private, by-invitation-only events, particularly play parties. You may even learn who is putting on these events. Although you may
really
want to attend, it’s important to wait to be invited. In particular, don’t approach the partygiver directly to ask if you can come. If they wanted to invite you, they would have done so. (You might try engaging them in general conversation, but, whatever you do, don’t
you
be the one to raise “the” subject.) As an alternative, if you know somebody well who is already on the private invitation list, ask them if they would be willing to bring you as their guest or to recommend you. Most partygivers have a pretty good idea of who is compatible with their events; they may be keeping an eye on you already to see if you and their events might be a good match.

13. Remember the 13th Commandment. “Thou shalt not cause administrative hassles for persons putting on SM events.” Keep this in mind and the number of events at which you’re welcome will grow.

When There Is No Local Community

As part of researching this book, I got out an almanac and checked out the 100 largest cities in the U.S. I compared that list to my own list of regional SM clubs. I was very surprised to note that there were quite a few good-sized cities that, to my knowledge, have no organized SM community — not to mention the smaller cities, suburbs, and rural areas where no such thing exists for many hundreds of miles.

On the other hand, there may be one or more organizations near you - yet they may not be a good match for you. The most common reason for this is that they may not match your sexual orientation: they may be oriented toward heterosexuals while you are gay or lesbian, or vice versa. Less commonly, the people there may be into a playstyle that you don’t enjoy, or may not be a good match for your age or lifestyle. On the other hand, people who seem on the surface like a mismatch may surprise you with how friendly and accessible they are; SM crosses many boundaries.

If there’s no community that’s a good match for you in your vicinity, you have three options: live with it, move, or start your own organization. Many people have done the first two (a surprisingly large number of people have moved to a large city specifically to be closer to an SM community), but for some, the third will be the best option.

I don’t know how many events I’ve attended in the last two-plus decades, but it’s probably getting close to a thousand. I’ve also put on well over 100 SM events, including socials, programs, and parties. Finally, I’ve started two SM organizations, and been a charter member and, later, director of a third. (I’ve since greatly scaled back how active I am in putting on events.) Here are some of the approaches that have worked for me, and for others I know.

I think I may be a masochist!

The decision to start an SM group is a big one. Setting it up and running it will require a
significant
amount of your time and energy, and will almost certainly involve at least some loss of privacy for you. If you’re not willing to deal with these issues-if you’re very busy, or if you’re in a situation where a breach of confidentiality could cost you your job, security clearance, marriage, or kids — you’re probably not a good candidate to start a club; let someone else be the trailblazer.