SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (60 page)

Sewing needles for piercing (use only equipment designed for going through skin)

There are undoubtedly other unacceptably dangerous items that I forgot to list. When in doubt, stay with the play items listed previously in this section or actual SM gear you bought in a store.

My toy bag got stolen out of my car once. On the police report, I said it contained crafts supplies‘, massage tools’, and’ equestrian equipment.’

Buying “Formal” SM Gear

The time is likely to come when you will want to purchase “real” SM supplies. This can be fun and exciting, but I recommend that you pay attention to where you buy what. Intelligent consumerism is just as important here as it is in any other part of life. Price, quality, and safe construction can vary tremendously in this field.

Remember the number one rule of consumerism: Comparison shop.
Some prices are reasonable, but more than a few are absolutely exorbitant. Please also remember that it’s possible for a very expensive item to be a wonderful value and for a very cheap item to be a total ripoff.

Stores that sell items which can be used in SM play include supermarkets, drugstores, variety stores, hardware stores, horseback riding supply stores, medical supply stores, office supply stores, farm equipment stores, police supply stores, adult bookstores, erotic boutiques and, of course, actual SM supply stores. (See my book “Supermarket Tricks: More Than 125 Ways to Improvise Good Sex” for ideas.)

I have found that riding supply stores usually offer excellent buys on riding crops. (I selected mine from a large bucket of them in such a store. The young lady clerk looked on as I inspected the various crops at some length - I had a date with a heavy masochist later that
week-and
I could see her suspicion growing into certainty.)

Office supply stores often carry an extraordinary variety of clamps at quite reasonable prices. Police supply stores carry handcuffs, but may look at you with a certain scrutiny if you want to buy leg irons. (Remember to stick with well-known brands such as Peerless or Smith & Wesson when buying such items.) Medical supply stores often carry paramedic scissors, Kerlix gauze, triangular bandages, and other fun items. (Gauze and bandages do not need to be sterile for our purposes, and “clean” materials are
much
less expensive.)

“Really formal” SM gear such as collars for humans, a flogger, or leather restraints are best bought at adult bookstores, erotic boutiques, and SM supply stores. (Truth be told, it might be better for all concerned if you bought your handcuffs and such here as well.) Remember to comparison shop, and be alert for things like whips with sharp edges and corners. Many of the poorer quality stores will gleefully sell you such dangerous trash, but make up for it by charging you a truly astronomical price.

Don’t feel reluctant to ask questions at an “erotic” store. The staff at the better ones should be happy to spend a reasonable amount of time explaining the construction and workmanship of various items. One request: Please don’t take up large amounts of their time unless you truly intend to make a significant purchase during that visit.

Footnote: I’ve occasionally been subtly and/or not-so-subdy insulted or otherwise been made to feel less than welcome by sales clerks at a few stores because my underlying gender or sexual orientation was different from theirs. If you don’t feel genuinely welcome, don’t give them so much as a dime. Go somewhere else, and call or write the store’s owner to tell them why.

Also remember that many stores do mail order business. They’ll send you a catalog for a few bucks and an I’m-ovet-21 statement. They may also be able to answer questions over the phone. (Just remember to keep your call business-like. They’re alert for phone freaks.)

SM Sayings

1. You almost never get into serious trouble by going too slowly.

2. SM is something you do with someone, not something you do to someone.

3. If it’s going to go bad, it usually goes bad in isolation.

4. Introduce only one new thing at a time, preferably only one new thing during a session.

5. If you want to know what they’re into, watch their eyes. They can’t fake the eyes.

6. Harder is not necessarily better. Faster is not necessarily better. More often is not necessarily better. More elaborate is not necessarily better. More expensive is not necessarily better.

7. Beware the trap of over-eagerness.

8. Think with your head.

9. How someone will react to erotic bondage is one thing. How they will react to erotic submission is a second, separate reaction. How they will react to erotic pain is a third.

10. Experience it yourself before you do it to someone else.

Submissives tend to spend a lot of time with genitals in their mouths.

11. If you want to know what you’re into, take a dose look at what you’re fantasizing about just before you come while masturbating.

12. A good place for a first session to end is one where both people feel they could have gone further than they did.

13. It’s much more important that a first session not end badly than that it end really, really well.

14. The first session with a new partner is the one most likely to go wrong.

15. There are three aspects to an SM activity: The activity itself (what is done), the technique (how it’s done), and the person doing it. You can like, or not like, each separate component.

16. The main characteristic of a top-quality dominant is trustworthiness.

17. There’s nothing “only” about being a bottom, particularly about being a good bottom.

18. Start lighter than light. Build slower than slow.

19. SM can play with primordial fears such as helplessness in the face of something more powerful.

20. The submissive may become pure id.

21. Never break through armor unless you’re fairly certain that you can deal with what’s on the other side.

22. If you’re going to open them up, you’re obligated to close them down. This may take some time.

23. The more aroused somebody is, the more pain they can take.

24. The more the bottom can relax mentally and physically, the further they can go.

25. Submissiveness and masochism are two very different things. While a degree of one often accompanies a degree of the other, some submissives aren’t at all masochistic, and some masochists aren’t at all submissive.

26. Learning SM is like learning how to have sex all over again.

27. When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations.

28. If you don’t have a current CPR card, you cannot call yourself a responsible dominant.

29. Never tie a submissive into a position that would require their cooperation in releasing them.

30. If you want to get good at using equipment, first get good at using your hands.

I live but to serve.

Related Practices

Many local resources can be found by carefully checking your phone book and by visiting the library to check the phone books of nearby cities, particularly the large ones. Local newspapers and magazines, particularly the free or low-cost ones that come out on a weekly or less frequent basis, often carry valuable listings. These periodicals are often found at bookstores, post offices, bus stations, train depots, and major boarding points for commuter mass-transit lines. Look them over carefully. Many alternative sexuality clubs and other resources advertise in adult papers and other periodicals with a gay, lesbian, or erotic slant. Also, check out Appendix II, “SM and the Internet,” for tips on using cyberspace.

Important notice: When writing to any organization listed below, it’s very wise to include a business-size, self-addressed, stamped envelope.

Another important notice: This book is updated frequently. If you know of other resources for this section, or if you have special knowledge of any of these resources, please let me know so I can include that information in future editions.

Age Play

It’s not uncommon for players to assume the personas of people significantly younger than they really are when they play. Roles such as teacher/student and babysitter/naughty child are common.

Age play can be fun but also dangerous. A professional dominant who specializes in this form of play once remarked that many people could emotionally regress to about the age of six without running into problems, but “going younger” could be emotionally risky.

One psychotherapist who is highly knowledgeable about this area is

William A. Henkin, Ph.D.
1801 Bush St., #111
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 923-1150

Infantilism is an extreme form of age play in which people regress all the way back to infancy. Some infantilism fans even buy custom-made cribs, bottles, and other “baby” equipment. The most prominent referral in this area is the following (somewhat colorfully named) organization.

Diaper Pail Friends
38 Miller Ave. #127
Mill Valley, CA 94941

Anal Play

The anus, perhaps especially in a submissive man, seems to cry out for attention. To control this extremely personal, private part of the submissive’s body is to control the submissive in a powerful way.

Yet only the educated should engage in anal play. Soreness, infections, and even occasional deaths have resulted from uninformed activities.

Anal play can involve inserting fingers, dildoes, vibrators, vibrating eggs, anal beads, and even an entire hand (see the section on Fisting in this chapter).

Basic suggestions:

1.
Proceed very, very slowly, especially at first.

Never shove anything in quickly. Never use force. The dominant should let the submissive tell them what they need in this situation. Anal penetration can easily be traumatic unless those involved closely communicate.

One excellent approach is to let the submissive set the pace. Place the item lighdy on their anus and let them “back onto it.” Let the submissive tell you if the item’s angle or pressure need changing. The submissive can back onto the item until their sphincter is ever-soslighdy stretched, then be still and allow that muscle to relax. This should happen in about 30 seconds. The relaxed sphincter will dilate a little bit, and the process can then be repeated.

You see the important role patience plays. Given time, the sphincter may relax enough to accept surprisingly large objects. A penis-sized dildo or, of course, an actual penis can often be accepted this way. With time, practice, and patience, the submissive can often accommodate even larger items.

2.
Wear latex, vinyl, or plastic gloves.

Gloves help keep things clean and greatly reduce the chance of an infection being transmitted in either direction.

Note: It is particularly important to wear gloves if an open sore exists on the dominant’s hands or the submissive’s rectum. Very small open sores on the hands may be hard to detect. One good way to detect them is to swab your hands with rubbing alcohol to see in any spot begins to sting. Another method is to put your hands into a bowl of vinegar or hydrogen peroxide. Again, sore spots will sting.

Subnote: Rubbing alcohol is flammable, so don’t use it near open flame - and watch out for vapors!

3.
Be careful with your fingernails.

The submissive’s rectum is exquisitely sensitive. The submissive easily feels the contour of anything inserted and immediately notices even tiny spots that are sharp, hard, or rough.

If you so much as graze their rectum with your fingernails, they may feel sharp, definitely unerotic pain. This applies even to closely trimmed, filed, polished fingernails covered by gloves. One way to help reduce the odds of this occurring is to aim your fingernails away from the rectum’s wall and toward its “centerline” as you slowly enter. (Some dominants, particularly dominant women, deliberately keep their nails short on their “fisting hand”)

Note: One time-honored method of testing your fingernails is to scrape them along your forearm or along the tricep-side of your upper arm. If you feel any sharp, hard, or rough spots, the submissive certainly will.

Subnote: You could demonstrate your hand’s fitness by doing a “test scrape” on your partner’s arm. Likewise, you could check the fitness of a hand whose use is proposed on you by this method.

4.
Use
lots
of lubricant.

You almost cannot use too much lubricant during anal play. One major point regarding its use is to apply additional lubricant before you feel more is needed and before your submissive asks for more. If you wait until they ask for more lubricant, you’ve probably waited too long. Remember that submissives, unless trained otherwise, often delay asking for something they need. They don’t want to risk displeasing their dominant by asking for something they need, so they (unwisely) tough it out.