Smother (26 page)

You could start. It might be fun.

It might be a disaster.

It might be a fun disaster.

The window above the sink faced the front yard, and there was nothing important about there being a window above the sink, but to her, this was a big deal. She couldn’t determine why at the moment, but she knew later she would have to think about it. Face things, admit things. It was amazing how much the world could change when she tried to focus on certain aspects of it instead of others.

Feeling overwhelmed, Reese was quiet as she followed Nina into the living room. Her boots echoed on the wood floor as she took in the wood beams painted white and the creamy shade of the walls. She looked down, dismayed to find dirty puddles trailing behind her. It was the equivalent of staining something lovely.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ll get it wiped up after you go.”

Reese absently nodded and lifted a hand to touch the arched doorway that led into a room that could be used as an office or storage. It was cool and rough beneath her fingers, strong with the promise of stability.

In this house, she could have a life.

“Are you from Farrow’s Point?”

Reese dropped her hand and looked at Nina.

She watched her expectantly, hands resting on her protruding stomach.

“No. I’ve lived here for almost a year, and before that, I was in a city about an hour from here.” And before that, somewhere else, and before that, another place. She’d never stayed anywhere too long.

“I know most of the people around here, and I didn’t recognize your name and face. I figured you weren’t from here originally.” Nina smiled. “What made you decide to move to Farrow’s Point?”

Her question could be considered nosy, but Reese decided to look at it as innocent interest. “My boyfriend and I broke up. I needed a change.”

“Ah, yes, that can be needed at times.” She crossed the room and looked out the window. “The couple that recently moved out was here for almost six years. They left because they were expecting a baby, and with just the one bedroom, they needed something bigger. They bought a house right outside of town.” She faced Reese with a shrug. “It’s a nice house, but it’s small.”

“I like it.”

Nina nodded, lifting a finger. “Let me show you the rest of the place.”

The bathroom was tiny, but it had a bathtub and shower, so Reese told herself she could live with the lack of space. It wasn’t like she would be in there all hours of the day. The bedroom was the biggest room out of the house and had a higher ceiling than the other rooms. Two large windows gave her a view of the backyard. It was a big lot, and the little white fence continued around to the back. There were three trees spread out in the snow, each one in hibernation with its limbs bare and brittle.

Trees are resilient.
It was an odd thought, something she’d never cared to think about before.

“This was an addition about twenty years ago. The other room used to be the bedroom. Couldn’t fit more than a bed in there! But maybe that was all whoever lived here needed.” Nina paused. “What do you think? Do you want to rent it?”

Reese looked at her as terror and joy clashed inside her, clawed at one another in a quest to conquer the other. It made her dizzy. She took a deep, steadying breath. “The rent is five hundred a month?”

“Yes, and one month of rent is needed as a security deposit. There’s also an application to fill out for a credit and background check, if you’re interested in renting it. It can be available as soon as next week. We’ll prorate the month of December.”

She had just over three thousand dollars in savings. It wasn’t much and it wouldn’t last long, but it would do for a short while. It was enough to start over. She wouldn’t even have that much if not for Leo’s poor money management. He paid her too much and didn’t charge enough for rent.

“Okay. Yes. I’m interested.”

The words were faint. Illogical fears choked her vocal chords and turned her legs into quivering limbs. Reese was scared. Usually she could gain control over that with snippy retorts and a bad attitude. That wouldn’t get her far today. She felt exposed, vulnerable. Real. She didn’t like it.

She cleared her throat and spoke louder. “I’d like to rent the place. Yes. Thank you.”

Nina clapped her hands together. “Excellent! I have the paperwork in my purse. Come on.” She motioned for her to follow her into the kitchen, talking as she went. “Painting is fine. I just ask that the walls are repainted a neutral shade before you move out. All utilities are in your name and your security deposit will be given back after they are paid in full at the time of your departure, if and when that happens.”

She reached into a beige-colored tote and took out two sheets of paper, added a pen, and offered the bundle to Reese. “Any holes you put in the walls will need to be puttied over as well when you repaint.”

Reese set the papers on the counter and began to fill them out, listening to Nina chatter. Her pen paused above the personal information section. With the things she’d done over the years and the people she’d hung around, she was lucky she’d never been in any serious trouble with the police. She’d gotten one drinking ticket and another for speeding, back when she’d had a car. She’d gotten rid of it after her sister’s death and one out of control night when Reese could have ended up dead as well.

She supposed, if she wanted, she could take comfort in knowing that at least she’d realized she was a danger to herself.

“Jim, my husband, is retired and around most of the time, if there’s ever an issue with something. Just give him a call and he’ll come over after his coffee is gone. He’s always drinking coffee,” she added with a wink.

Reese smiled, but it faded when she looked down. “I don’t really have any references,” she told her, as a dream just within reach suddenly got farther away.

“You don’t?” Nina hovered over her arm to peer down at the paperwork. “Well, we won’t worry about that so much, as long as the other stuff comes out okay. I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know. How’s that sound?”

And just like that, she could see the dream once more, shimmering from a distance, waiting for her.

“That sounds good.” Reese handed the finished forms to Nina.

“You seem like a nice girl. We’ll be glad to have you.” She reached over and rubbed Reese’s shoulder, smiling warmly as she did so.

Reese stiffened, forcing herself to relax when Nina gave her a look.

A hand, heavy and warm, rested on her rounded back as she tried to sink into herself. She tightened her arms around her knees, telling herself to think of happy things, like cake and swimming at the pool. Summertime, sunshine. Balloons. Flowers.

The bed shifted with extra weight and her body turned to stone. She wished she was a rock, unable to feel things. Reese squeezed her eyes shut and willed him away. Instead his hand started to move, rubbing up and down her back. She began to tremble, wanting to disappear into the black that surrounded her.

“Are you okay?” Nina moved closer, still touching her.

“Yes.” She stepped back until Nina’s hand fell away, and she could once again breathe. “I’m okay.”

Nina smiled and tucked the papers into her tote bag. “I’ll be in touch tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

Reese turned and left the house, her footsteps heavy, the urge to smoke and worse slamming into her back and refusing to let go. With a shaking hand, Reese pulled a pack of cigarettes from her coat pocket and lit one, inhaling deeply. She felt like she was walking away from a future, even as she walked into another.

She glanced over her shoulder as she headed back to the apartment building and looked at the house that was a beacon of change—knowing she needed it, wanting it, and fearful of it just the same. She took another drag, mouth twisting with the dry tobacco taste. Reese’s current path was killing her, even while she still breathed. It was time for a different one—one where every breath she took didn’t feel stolen or constricted.

There used to be a rundown, falling apart building Reese passed by each day on her way to and from school. It had busted windows and holes in the wood, and it stood alone. Dark, ugly. She didn’t understand why it wasn’t torn down for something better to be put in its place. Something shiny. New. Pretty.

As the years went by, it remained. Reese grew, and learned. She studied the building. She wondered about it—its history, why it endured when most things around it did not. She became obsessed with it, to the point where she went out of her way to walk by it. It became a friend. Security. It turned into something strong instead of sad. That building, nameless and without beauty, a nothing piece of structure, persevered.

And one day it was gone.

Reese didn’t understand how upset she was over its destruction. It wasn’t anything to her. Just a useless thing taking up space. Even so, she felt the loss of it deep in her heart. She pushed it out of her head, forgot about it. It wasn’t until recently that she remembered, that she understood, finally.

That building had its beauty stripped away. It aged. It began to crumble. It was self-destructing because it had no other choice. No one helped it. There was no new wood to patch it up, to stabilize it when it faltered. It was weak, but it did not fall. It did not fall until someone else made it. Reese realized it would still be there, had it only been able to remain on its own. Banged up, rotting, more space to it than actual structure, but it would be there. Refusing to give up, unable to perish. It made her feel good, knowing that.

If a building could do that, then so could she.

Reese was packing a box of kitchen accessories when the knock came at the door. She stood, wiped her hands on her jeans, and moved to the door. She wasn’t surprised to see Leo, but she was taken aback by the lines around his mouth and eyes. He looked sad. She was probably imagining it.

“Hi.”

He nodded in reply.

“What’s up?” she questioned when he remained quiet.

Leo looked around the apartment, taking in the packed boxes. “Walking everything to your new place? Might take a while.”

Reese opened her mouth, a retort ready to pass her lips, but sighed instead. “I don’t know. I guess.”

“I can help you move.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know that.”

Reese tried to laugh, the sound of it choked and faint. “I feel lost.” She was surprised by the admission, but not overly. Leo was the one she told her truths.

“You can do this.” He looked into her eyes, his expression inarguable.

She smiled wanly. “I’m glad you have such faith in me.”

“Someone needs to.”

“I feel like there are two versions of me.” The words formed and released without her consent, and yet, she let them fall. “This one, and a better one.” Reese looked up, found his gaze locked on her. “I want the better version, but I only catch glimpses of her. Glimpses of who I want to be are not enough to become her.”

He didn’t say anything, and really, it was better that way. She just needed to have the words heard by somebody.

“Are you going to be okay without me?” As soon as Reese asked it, she regretted it. Of course he would be. She was one of many, and easily replaceable.

“It will be strange,” he admitted.

She smiled faintly. As far as declarations went, it was lacking, but for Leo, it was a complete baring of the soul. Her smile grew, felt right instead of forced. “I think I’ll miss the rooftop cigarette breaks the most.”

She took a cigarette from the pack on the kitchen counter and the lighter next to it. Reese lifted them up, one eyebrow raised in question. “Shall we? One last time? You can stay in here and call me on the cell phone to scold me.” Reese gestured to the living room window, laughing as Leo scowled.

“You need to quit. Bad for you.”

“Yes. I know. I’m trying.” She tapped the cigarette against her knee, and the longer it remained unlit, the less she wanted it.

Leo moved for the largest of the boxes, hefted it up into his arms like it weighed no more than air. “I’ll put this in the Durango.”

Reese set the cigarette and lighter on the counter and grabbed a smaller box, quietly walking beside him down the hallway. It was comfortable, and it hit her how much she was going to miss going to the shop and hanging out with Leo. He was her lighthouse, a beacon in a sea of black, and she was the water, always adrift, pulling and pushing. Never steady. Never at peace.

She inhaled deeply as they stepped outside, both of them pausing as the cold and sun slammed into them.

“I’m going to mess things up.” She lifted her head and squinted at the sky.

He shrugged, his arm rubbing against hers as he moved. “We all mess up.”

Reese glanced at him. “Have you messed up a lot?”

Leo lowered his gaze to hers, the hardness of his mouth softened just a hint. “That’s all I did for a long time.”

He crossed the street.

It took most of the afternoon to pack her meager belongings up and deposit them in her new home. She felt like she was wasting Leo’s time, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I can put some pizzas in if you’re hungry,” she offered as she stood in a maze of boxes and misplaced furniture. Reese didn’t want to be by herself yet. This was different from having her own apartment and knowing people were around somewhere outside of it. This was all her, in one building, alone.