Snowballs in Hell (5 page)

* * * *

“And just where have you been?” I tapped my foot. I already knew. I just wanted to see what he’d answer.

Auric sighed. “I don’t suppose there’s any point in lying. You can smell the brimstone, can’t you?”

“What were you doing in Hell?” I left out the “without me.”

“Stuff.”

I stalked towards him and poked him in the chest with one finger making him flinch.

Don’t scoff, I have a hard poke. “Don’t you start with the oblique answers, buddy. I want the truth, do you understand me?”

“Your dad wanted to talk to me.”

My jaw dropped. That hadn’t been the answer I expected. And why had he called Auric, instead of me, his daughter? “Since when are you and the devil bosom buddies?”

“We’re not friends,” said Auric stiffly. “We just have one thing in common–you.” Great, now they were talking behind my back. “What did my father want?”

“He’s worried about you, Muriel. He’s not the only one.”

“I’m fine,” I said moving away from Auric and nervously tidying up. I didn’t want to talk about my nightmares.

“No, you’re not,” said Auric following me. “You wake up screaming every night.

You flinch whenever you see someone in a hooded robe or if someone says the word

‘master.’” I flinched and immediately wanted to throw something at him for being right.

“You’re scared, dammit. Why can’t you just admit it?”

“Am not,” I retorted out of habit. “I’m not scared of anything.” My dad would be so proud–lying through my teeth.

“And that’s why your dad wanted to talk to me. He thinks, and I happen to agree with him, there might be something more going on here than we can see.”

“I don’t understand.” Truly, I didn’t. At times I wondered if perhaps I should have been born a blonde.

“I don’t want to say ‘til I know for sure, but we’d like you to meet with some of his mages.”

“Why, so they can hypnotize me and make me dance like a chicken when I hear the word,” I swallowed hard. “M-master.”

“This isn’t a joke. I want them to have a look at you.”

“Thanks for the clothes…” David came out of the bathroom and stopped talking when he saw our intense faces.

“Why did David need clothes?” asked Auric tightly.

“It’s not what you think,” I said. I would never cheat on Auric, surely he knew that.

“Are you telling me you didn’t get attacked on the way home?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then why would you–.” Auric looked at my face and laughed. “You thought I’d think you and David messed around?” Auric laughed harder which made me frown at him. I mean, I was happy and all he trusted me, but still a little jealousy would have been nice. Had the roles been reversed I’d have had the other woman in a choke hold and pulled out most of her hair by now.

His continued mirth annoyed me. “Just so you know, David had to go furry because Azazel paid me a visit on my way home.”

That sobered him up quick. Auric’s face darkened and his lip curled. “What did that spawn of evil want?”

“He wanted to tell me that–that–.” I froze. I couldn’t say the words. The panic that had threatened me earlier enveloped me, and I fell to my knees wheezing. I felt several pairs of arms around me. Apparently both David and Auric had dove on me when I fell.

“What happened?” I heard Auric ask tightly as he gathered me onto his lap and cradled me in the calming circle of his arms.

David answered for me. I still had trouble breathing. “Azazel said something about his master waiting for her when winter hit around the furnace. Honestly, it didn’t make much sense. Then I took a chunk out of him and he took off.”

“Something about when winter hits blah, blah, blah, and something about a furnace.

All I got to say is they better not be planning it for Christmas Eve. I’ve got plans,” I said having recovered from my panic attack.

“You celebrate the birth of Christ?” asked David, his brows high in surprise.

“Not exactly. As you well know, Christ wasn’t born in December. Nope, we celebrate the solstice by decorating a big ass tree, setting it on fire and dancing naked around it.”

I said this so seriously that it took David a minute to realize I was messing with him.

I cracked up at the look in his face. “Oh, please. Of course I celebrate Christmas.

Like hello, lots of presents for me. Do you really think I’d skip a holiday like that?”

“But your dad is Satan…” said David, still puzzled.

“Yes, and is there anything more twisted than the world’s current version of Christmas? My dad loves the holidays. He gets totally drunk off the greed and avarice.

Not to mention all the fornicating that happens at office parties. It’s his favorite time of the year.”

“That’s just sick,” said David with disgust.

I couldn’t help it, I giggled.

“Be nice,” said Auric in my ear. “David still has delusions when it comes to his concept of Heaven and Hell.”

“Apparently.” Our inane conversation had helped me calm back down. This whole panic thing was really starting to piss me off. I knew I wasn’t afraid–I just wish my body would listen.

“Auric?” I said softly.

“Yeah, baby,” he said stroking my hair.

“I want to see those mages.” I could kick, fight and scream about it for a few weeks, but the truth remained, something was wrong with me. These increasing panic attacks weren’t normal and I wanted them gone. If it took letting some freaky demon head shrinker to fix it, then shrink away.

“You say when and we’ll go.”

I loved this man whose world revolved around me. “Now,” I said before I changed my mind, not to mention I wanted the brave me back, not this frightened little wimp that kept emerging.

“Can I come?” asked David.

“Muriel?” questioned Auric.

“Sure. Come one, come all and see the sights of Hell. Let me get changed first though. If I’m going for a visit, then I need to look the part.” As princess of Hell, a certain amount of pizzazz was expected. I didn’t want to let the damned down. I made the boys turn their back–well, David anyway– while I zipped into my leather. I didn’t feel like carting it all into the bathroom. Short leather skirt with a black lace thong underneath. A lace up corset that gave me cleavage that would swallow a hand whole.

Just over the knee zipped up leather boots with heels that could double as poignards.

Kholed eyes, bright red lipstick, a crackling brush of my long hair and I looked vampy enough for a visit.

Auric’s eyes glowed, the bright green that reminded me of spring, smoldering with lust. David’s bright blue eyes were equally appreciative when I twirled for them. Some days I loved being a girl.

I let Auric open the portal–an ability he’d been given by my dad along with his shadow wings. I preferred to save my energy for a just in case. We stepped through and I could hear David gasp as he beheld the underworld for the first time.

The real world had gotten some facts right over the years. Yes, the underworld was hot, noisy and there was a constant ash sifting down from the sky. But that’s kind of where it stopped. There were no damned chained to rocks while being whipped. No demons torturing souls strung by their heels. At least not in public.

What the nine circles of Hell did have were a lot of ramshackle housing and people.

Millions upon millions living much like they did above but without the green grass and white picket fences. One thing we thankfully didn’t have down here was cars–the smog would be unimaginable then—but it made getting where you wanted to go in a hurry a bit of a pain, like now.

People crowded the road to my dad’s palace, impeding our progress. They were watching some kind of protester on a soap box causing havoc. Did he not realize I’d arrived and had places to go? Sure it would be easier to teleport within the palace itself, but dad leaned towards paranoia and had a block created against that sort of thing within the palace and the town surrounding it.

Auric wrapped an arm around my waist and tucked me tight to his side. At a nod from Auric, David glued himself to my other side.
Great a sandwich
, I thought grimacing. At least in the books when a girl got sandwiched everybody was naked. Now there was a mental image to make me blush–and flush in interesting places.

“Auric,” I said somewhat distracted by the male bodies brushing me on either side.

“There’s no need for this. I’m a princess down here remember?” Something the crowds they bulldozed through didn’t seem to be recognizing to my annoyance. I hadn’t been gone that long.

“I am your consort and David’s now officially your bodyguard, so smile for the people and let’s get out of here. I don’t like the size of this crowd, it’s too easy for someone to sneak up on us.”

I’d stopped listening pretty much at consort. Who had appointed Auric my consort?

And did I care? I knew Auric was my soul mate, this just confirmed he felt the same way.

As for my newly designated bodyguard, judging by the way his body pressed against mine, I guess he planned to protect me by using himself as a shield, he certainly felt hard enough to block any blows.

The guys edged me around the commotion–in other words Auric and David manhandled people out of the way—and the crowd moved enough for me to see what had them so riveted. A demon, not quite a minor league player, but nothing close to a major, stood on a rock, preaching.

“…is coming. He shall end the travesty that is Heaven and Hell. Death shall become meaningless. The barriers shall be torn down and God and Satan destroyed.” I stifled a gasp. What blasphemy was this? I could see the black horns and towering wing tips of my father’s demon guard moving in. They dove on the preaching demon and with a firm grip, dragged him away–more than likely to face a few hundred years of torture for his words, words he could not stop spouting.

He shouted now, “Soon shall ye see the truth of my words. The true master is coming. And when he does the flames of Hell shall be extinguished. You will see. You—

.”

I found myself shivering between the guys, possessed of a chill in the midst of the stifling heat. Surely he couldn’t be speaking of the same master, the one I dreamed of nightly? But my overactive mind couldn’t help conjuring images of the master returning.

Finding me and cornering me. Hurting me. My knees would have buckled had the boys not held me upright, almost dragging me through the murmuring crowd. Snippets of conversations came to me.

“Bah, Satan’s not that bad.”

“If death is abolished, can I go back to my house? I miss my dog.”

“Hey, isn’t that the princess?”

I managed a quick wave at the person who recognized me, quick because with grim faces the boys still carried me along, like a piece of debris–a hot and nicely dressed one–

caught in a wave. With the soap box talker gone now, a few of the damned recognized me–about time—and I could hear them murmuring—
“Satana” … “It’s the princess” …

“Slut!”
.

I might have taken offence at the last, but I could hear the jealousy in the female tone. And really, who could blame her–I had the two hottest guys in Hades glued to my side. Oh, if only my succubus sisters could see me know. They’d be high-fiving their little sister for scoring.

We finally made it to the gates of the palace. They gaped open at all times because no one was stupid enough to try and get my father’s attention on purpose. Finally, the guys relaxed a bit. David peeled away from my side and moved behind us as a rear guard while Auric dropped his possessive arm from around my waist and clasped my hand instead. Strangely, I felt disappointment. I’d kind of enjoyed their dual close proximity.

Not that I would think of cheating on Auric, but a girl was allowed to fantasize, right?

Walking up the palace steps, the mighty black doors to the palace swung open with a nasty creak–totally intentional—and out scurried the squat form of my father’s major domo. A cross between a gremlin and an Atlantian–a pairing that boggled the mind—he ran my father’s palace with frightening efficiency. Essentially, you toed the line or you ended up on latrine detail for eternity.

“Polkie,” I exclaimed, rushing forward, dragging Auric, who wouldn’t let my hand go, with me. I hugged my old friend one armed and kissed the top of his bald, scaly head.

Polkie, more formally known as Philokrates, split his lips in what passed for smile.

“Sati,” he said with obvious pleasure, which made me feel kind of guilty. I hadn’t visited home in a while. With dad popping constantly to check up on me and my work at the bar, I’d forgotten that there were other people who might miss me. “Your father will be so happy you’ve come to visit. I see you’ve brought your consort and guard.” What? Did everyone know about my consort before I did? Another thing for Auric and I to
talk
about later.

“Is dad around?” I asked striding into the palace, my heeled boots clacking nicely on the slate floor.

“Yes, he’s in the throne room passing judgment.”

“Don’t tell him we’re coming. I want to surprise him.” I dragged my consort–I’d have to be careful not to giggle when I said it out loud–and with David following, took them through a maze of corridors until we reached the throne room where my father held court and judged the damned that had truly been evil in life. Everybody else– the white liars, the petty criminals–they got their judgment from a book of preset punishments. It made things simpler and tended to reduce the number of complaints about preferential treatment.

We sneaked into the throne room and stood with a crowd of damned at the back.

There was a long line of people going up to the witness box, waiting for their turn to point the finger of blame at the accused: a portly, bald fellow who smiled smugly, still proud of his crimes for the moment.

My father suddenly stood up and roared. “Silence.” As usual, he got what he wanted.