Somebody Love Me (Journeys) (6 page)

Though his tone was soft, I could tell he meant what he said. He helped me put on my leather jacket and glanced away from my eyes before giving me a brief, impersonal hug. He then turned like he wanted to give me space, and his posture implied our conversation was over as he walked away.

My mind in a fog once the reality of what I'd just done sank in, I grabbed my purse from the floor and walked out, slamming the door behind me. As I headed for the bus stop, I vowed to stay away from the North Side. At least until my heart had healed a bit more from my latest drama.

The odd thing when I returned home that afternoon was that my mother wasn't in bed but waited for me at the back door when I arrived. It was like she sensed something was seriously wrong with me. I tried getting past her as I entered my house, but she blocked my way. "I was praying for you. I sensed something was upsetting you."

For some reason her comment made me livid. Maybe because I needed prayers the night Dirk raped me and she hadn't prayed for me then. Now it was too late. I was ruined for life. I decided to give my mom a brief glimpse into my pain. I pulled up my sleeve far enough for her to see my bandaged wrist.

She put her hand over her mouth and gasped. "I felt God telling me you would hurt yourself. I didn't believe it. Oh my God. How did I not notice this before, Missy? Why didn't you tell me you were hurting?"

I just looked at my mother with irritation. I know her words were meant to comfort me, but they didn't at all. The stuff she said just reminded me of how much pain had bubbled up inside from my parents' lack of concern for me at the beginning of the summer. It was too late to comfort me now.

"I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep," I said, as I pushed past her and stalked down the hallway to my bedroom.

She didn't follow me, just like I'd expected.

She never followed me.

And that hurt most of all.

Chapter Seven

After waking from a long nap, I decided to contact Mary and Cathy again. Maybe they would know of a party the following weekend that I could gear up for. Mary's two half-sisters lived on the east side near the university
, and I heard they'd thought about having a big move-in party next weekend.

They didn't drink, though, so I didn't know how exciting that would be. If there weren't any boys at the party, then I had no reason to check it out. I only thought about going because they said their brother Clay, a college student, would be there. Supposedly he'd seen a picture of me and thought I was pretty hot. I remember Margie mentioning it before and Mary confirmed he had made that comment about me.

Not that I was ready to have sex yet, but I was definitely curious about him. Of course, that party was not for two more weeks. Right now I needed a diversion and Mary said she'd heard about this party on the hill near Westcott Street. She didn't know the hosts very well, but that didn't surprise me. These girls had a lot of acquaintances.

I'd rather be anywhere else on the planet than at home right now, so I agreed to go. Thankfully my leather jacket covered up the evidence of my recent angst and I was able to hide the fact that I'd cut my wrist earlier that day. Shame kept me from telling my friends about James and what I'd done, and to my relief they didn't ask about him.

While riding the bus with my friends to the other side of town, Cathy started chatting about Dave the Drummer and how excited she was when she'd heard he would be at the party. As I watched her talk animatedly about him again, I started to get annoyed. Finally, I interrupted her.

"What if Dave decides he doesn't like you?"

Cathy paused and blinked like it hadn't occurred to her before. Then she said, "He won't reject me. He thinks I'm sixteen and the last time I saw him he couldn't take his eyes off me."

Mary laughed, "That's because you took your shirt off."

"So he liked my chest." Cathy grinned. "But I'm thinking he'll want more. I just need to get him alone. He's always with his brother when I see him."

"You took your shirt off in front of him?"

"I'd taken a hit of acid, so it made me out of my mind for a bit. They thought it was funny." Cathy giggled and pulled a tube of lip balm out of her purse.

Mary snorted, "That's because you acted like an idiot."

"At least I had an excuse. What was yours?" Cathy glared at her sister.

Mary shrugged, but her eyes filled with tears. I didn't want to ask why she looked like she was on the verge of crying, but I suspected it had to do with her being used by some guy again. While Cathy swore she was holding out for Dave, Mary would do it with anyone and I'd seen how guys treated her. I couldn't help but believe the rumors.

"What about you? If you find a cute guy tonight are you finally getting laid?" Cathy twisted her mouth like she was trying not to laugh at what she thought would be a "no way, Jose" comment.

"Maybe.
I've been thinking it's about time. I'd have to really like him though." I cleared my throat and decided not to elaborate any more than I had to.

Cathy's eyes rounded and her mouth gaped. "You're
thinking
about it?"

"I thought you were waiting to have sex?" Mary gazed at me, confusion filling her eyes. And I could swear I heard a hint of disappointment in her tone.

"I am…sort of. It's complicated." I sighed and hoped they wouldn't ask for details.

Cathy clutched her hands together and smiled. "Well, I'm waiting for Dave. No one else is good enough for me."

"But you're only fourteen. How realistic is that?" I asked.

"I did it with a few guys my age and they don't know what they're doing. I want a real man, and he's worth waiting for."

Mary rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything.

"Don't do that. You're just jealous that he likes me and not you." Cathy frowned.

"I couldn't care less." Mary sighed and crossed her arms.

Cathy leaned toward me and said, "I heard she offered him a BJ and he turned her down. She's still mad about that."

"Gross! That's not true." Mary slapped her sister and her face flamed red.

I didn't know who to believe, so I let the conversation lapse. I didn't want to stoke the animosity between them. At least Mary wouldn't be jail bait if she hooked up with Dave. I had to admit I was more than a little excited about meeting him myself. He had to be one hot guy for Cathy to be so obsessed with him. Now I wanted to know what he looked like.

"I'll introduce you to Dave, but remember chick, he's mine." Cathy pointed in my face like she was threatening me.

Like I'd take him from her? Seriously, I'd learned my lesson about getting together with boyfriends of friends. It simply wasn't safe. "Believe me, you can have him," I muttered.

Cathy smirked the rest of the way there, and Mary bit her fingernails like she worried about who she might see tonight.

I couldn't wait to check out the new guys. After James's rejection, I was ready to meet a different guy and see what might develop between us.

A few minutes later, the bus turned down Westcott Street and Mary pulled the cord to let the driver know we wanted to get off. We stepped off the bus single file and I took a deep breath. The beautiful night sky made me smile, and to complement its mesmerizing effect, the temperature was perfect. How I loved the fall weather in Central New York.

School had been in session for about six weeks, but I really didn't care. I had nothing in common with my classmates. Though I got decent grades, I didn't have plans for the immediate future, and I lived for the here and now. Didn't most teens live for the moment? I just wanted to be like everybody else.

In a little over three months I'd be sixteen, and if I wanted to drop out of school, no one could stop me. But I doubted I'd do something that dumb when I knew my future solely depended on me. I couldn't count on my parents to help. I'd learned that about them this past summer. So it was up to me to sink or swim. I was a swimmer after all. Sinking wasn't an option.

*****

My introduction to Dave the drummer that night was completely unexpected. I sensed a man standing behind me before I felt arms circling my waist and the warm breath invading my ear as he whispered, "Ooh, I want this one."

The glare Cathy shot my way told me the man from her fantasies held me in his arms. I frowned and turned to face a man who smelled entirely too good. The moment our eyes connected, I felt my stomach flip at his heated gaze. He
was
very handsome and looked kind of like David Lee Roth from Van Halen, only better.

The moment he started singing "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, though slightly off key, he'd stolen my heart . . . for all of two seconds. Wresting my way out of his hold, I said, "Excuse me," as I backed away from him.

I couldn't let him pull me in with his charm. Not when Cathy and I were friends. Though I tried to reassure her with my smile, she looked ready to come at me with claws outstretched. Not good.

Dave the drummer advanced toward me again but Cathy slipped between us. Dave's breath smelled like he'd had one too many beers, but I couldn't help being flattered that he'd found me attractive enough to serenade, though not very well.

Mary grabbed my arm and pulled me away from them. Cathy had looped her arms around Dave's neck and said something to him that made him laugh. "That was a close call," Mary muttered as she pulled me into another room.

"You aren't kidding. I don't even like the guy." With a sly grin I added, "Though she has great taste. That is one wicked stud."

She snickered. "I think he just likes her ta-tas, but she doesn't care."

I glanced down at my own. True, Cathy had a nice figure, but mine wasn't bad.

Mary gave my arm a gentle shove. "That's so cheesy, checking yourself out like that. I mean, really lame girl."

My face heated. I didn't mean to be so obvious about it. Maybe I needed something to help me relax so I wouldn't act like a total airhead.
Though if I had too much to drink tonight, rather than being chilled out, I'd be a mess.

The trick was finding the balance.

"Let's go out there and get us some guys to get horizontal with." Mary opened the door and pulled me into a crowded room that now had an additional twenty people stuffed inside.

If I didn't watch myself, I'd end up hyperventilating. Crowds tended to set off panic attacks if I lingered too long. Plus, it was getting hot in there and I didn't want to remove my coat, or it might be stolen. Not to mention people would see my bandages and freak out. I needed to get some beer and chill fast.

As Mary and I stood there checking out the newest partygoers, a guy who looked a lot like my fantasy man leaned against the wall and stared me down. He was tall, muscular, and his eyes were dreamy. I could fall for a guy who looked like that.

Mary and I slipped into a side room to get out of the heat created by all of those bodies. Cathy could have her drummer boy. This sexy guy was the mint of all man-flesh. Too bad I didn't have the guts to approach him. I needed something to boost my courage. "Did you see that tall guy in there?"

"There were a lot of tall guys in that room."

He must have sensed my interest, because he followed us into the less crowded room. He strolled up to me with a confident swagger and offered me his cup of beer with a lazy grin. He wanted me to put my lips on the same cup that he'd been sipping on? Well, who was I to say no to that?

I held his gaze as I looked at him over the rim of the cup. I took a big gulp, and then another, until I'd finished it off. "Grab me another one?"

A broad grin covered his face. The gleam from his eyes spoke of his approval and warmed me to my toes.

"Absolutely. Stay right there." He winked at me and left the room.

Mary approached me the moment he stepped away. "That dude is gnarly."

"Ain't he though?" I couldn't help feeling a bit proud that he was excited to be hanging out with me. "Do you know his name?"

"Yeah, it's Andy. He has a lot of female admirers, but maybe he'll do the nasty with you tonight. If you get lucky, that is."

"Do the nasty? But I just met him."

Mary glanced over my shoulder and sighed. "Trust me. You want to do it with him. He's amazing."

Her tone sounded a bit breathless, like she had a personal experience she savored.

"Have you and he done it?"

Mary sighed and stared off in the direction he went. "In my dreams. He's very selective. If he wants you, you should jump on his joystick."

What was up with all of my sex-crazed friends and their mindsets? While it had been a number of months since the rape, I had yet to get it on with a guy. Part of me figured I was already ruined, so why not catch up to my girls? The other part of me worried that having sex with a new guy would bring the trauma back from that night and scare the crap out of me. I needed to have feelings for a guy before I'd ever go there.

Attraction was a good place to start, though.

Andy returned with two cups of beer and handed me one. "What do you say we party hardy, you awesome lady?"

"Sounds like an
awesome
plan." I took the cup from him and we stared each other down as we polished off the next beer. By the third drink my legs grew weak. Andy was ready for me though. He held me up and walked me to an open corner in the room. He found us a spot on the couch and plopped me down on his lap.

Before I could say anything, his lips collided with mine. They coaxed and tugged and he beckoned my lips to open further as he slipped his tongue inside. One thing about Andy that I could tell right away was the guy knew how to kiss. It was a heavenly experience. Even half-drunk he'd managed to set my body on fire with his touch.

As we kissed and explored each other's bodies, we lay beside each other on the couch. He placed my hand on his jeans and unzipped them. I marveled at his size. I didn't know guys could be so big. Dirk was tiny in comparison. I winced as a flash from that night invaded my memory and cooled my fervor.

Would I ever be normal again? My reaction to a random, unbidden thought told me it would be difficult to overcome the anxiety thanks to that sick man who ruined me. Part of me wanted to fight and overcome the fear. From what I could tell, Andy was more than willing to go there with me if I told him I wanted to.

"Let's get a room," he breathed in my ear, his voice tense and full of passion.

"Okay," I said and gave him another lingering kiss. Then I pulled back and smiled as I scanned his body. "I hear you're awesome in bed."

A wry grin pulled at his mouth as he zipped up his jeans. "They're just playin'. How old are you anyway?"

"Old enough to know what I want, Andy," I whispered against his lips as I moved to sit back on his lap.

He stiffened and leaned back so he could see my face. "Whoa. You didn't answer me. Are you jail bait?"