Somebody Love Me (Journeys) (8 page)

Chapter Nine

Christmas was less than two weeks away and I couldn't wait for our school break to begin. I started my prescription just like the nurse had instructed and remembered to take my pill every day without fail. After I finished my last final exam and they dismissed us from class, I headed for my house. I wanted to isolate myself for a little while and try to get my head straight. Maybe putting some distance between me and my messed up friends would help, though I doubted it. I had a hard time saying no.

Mary and Cathy called that night right after I finished dinner. They weren't the best friends a girl could have, but they always knew where the action could be found. So when they asked me if I wanted to go to the new arcade in town, and since it was within walking distance of my house, I figured why not? The temperature was just below freezing, but I sucked it up and shoved my bare hands into my pockets. I didn't want to look like a little kid wearing a hat and gloves.

Even wearing my new leather coat -- an early Christmas present from my dad -- did little to keep my body warm. It blocked the wind, but without a scarf I still froze my butt off walking to the arcade. My legs felt stiff underneath my jeans and I could understand why in the old days people wore long johns.

By the time I arrived at "Buttons Arcade," which had just opened near the strip mall on the north side of the city, I was glad I decided to give it a try despite the bitter cold. To my delight, Buttons was loaded with guys. They came in every size, shape, and color. Well, almost. But I had never seen so many cute guys in one place before outside of my high school. It was like a smorgasbord of good-looking boys, and the few girls hanging out were outnumbered at least three to one. That meant more choices for me and my girlfriends.

Not that Mary was very picky these days. Nor had she ever been, come to think of it. And after Cathy's recent rejection by Dave the Drummer, she said she was open to checking out her options, too. It sort of felt like we'd showed up at a bar to find ourselves some dates, not that I'd know what that was like. A bunch of guys stood alongside the wall checking us out, probably because young women were scarce tonight. Others watched two young men playing pool.

Smoke wafted in the air and I bummed a cigarette from Cathy since she always had at least a pack on her. I lit up and watched the two guys playing pool. The tall one had a nice build. I liked the way his muscles bulged when he leaned over and took each shot. He looked pretty sexy when he did it while clamping a cigarette between his lips. The action made me think of James Dean from the old black and white shows.

Within minutes, I became too warm from all of the body heat, so I peeled off my coat. Mary sat on a bench talking to a guy who looked about the same age as her. She held her coat on her lap so I figured she could hold mine, too.

"Hey, Mary?
Do you mind holding my coat? I'm dying in here."

"Sure." Mary barely glanced in my direction and continued to flirt with the guy next to her. Maybe this time she'd find a guy who really liked her and didn't talk to her so he could use her for a good time.

We all wanted to be loved. We just had different ways of going about finding it.

Several minutes later, the tallest guy won the pool game. He winked at me. "I want to play you next. I'll pay for the game. Do you want solids or stripes?"

I glanced to the right and the left. Was he talking to me? Had he noticed I was admiring him earlier? "I'll pick solids, but I'm not playing until you tell me your name."

He grinned. "It's Mick. What about yours?"

"Melissa. But I prefer Missy."

"Missy it is, then. You go first."

For the next hour I played several games against Mick. He said he'd keep playing me until I won, so I determined not to give up until I bested him. I concentrated on the angles and gestured with my pool stick. "Eight ball in the corner pocket."

To my surprise, the ball went straight in and I didn't scratch.
"Whoo hoo! I won!"

"That you did, Missy. What do you say you and I go outside for a bit?" Mick's gaze slowly crept along my body, lingering on my legs before returning to my face. He grabbed his jean jacket and slipped it on.

I glanced over at Mary who sat on the same bench, still deep in a conversation with the same guy. In the meanwhile Cathy had found an admirer by the Ms. PacMan game in the back corner of the arcade. He dipped low and kissed her while feeling her up where anyone could see him. I glanced at the owner, who sat behind the counter and exchanged money for tokens. He didn't seem to notice or care.

"Sure," I said as I followed Mick outside.

Though freezing out, the heat of his gaze torched my face. But in spite of his smoldering looks, I still shivered.

"Come here. I'll warm you up." Mick gestured for me to come closer. He took his coat off,
then draped it over my shoulders. He pulled me so close I could hear the sound of his heartbeat. I couldn't believe he liked me enough to cuddle and we'd just met. He was better looking than any of my previous boyfriends. I couldn't tell his age, though, so I asked, "How old are you?"

"Seventeen.
You?"

I knew if I told him the truth, that I'd be sixteen soon, he'd run screaming like the rest of the guys had, with the exception of Margie and Sharon's brother. So I said, "Sixteen."

He squeezed me tighter and whispered into my hair. "I want you to be my girl."

Had he just said what I thought he did? I tipped my head back to ask him when he covered my lips with his. The kiss started slow and innocently enough, but quickly grew steamy and warmed me all over. Several parts of my body heated, and they were in areas I didn't have much experience with.
At least, not in a good way. So far sex hadn't been much fun for me at all.

Mick's hands roamed over my chest and legs. After several minutes of gentle touches, he paused to unsnap my jeans. I glanced around and saw we were alone. What was he doing?

Afraid to move, but enjoying the sensation of him touching me at the same time, I allowed him to explore me in a way that made my knees weak. I'd never felt anything like this and I wanted more. He rubbed inside my panties and asked, his breath now coming in erratic spurts, "Want to go to my aunt's place? I have a room there."

My heart pounded and I thought maybe I'd found love this time. It certainly felt better than what I'd experienced with guys thus far. The hungry look in Mick's eyes made me want to do whatever he asked. So I said as I snapped my jeans, my body still swimming with pleasure, "Okay, but first I need to get my coat."

When I approached Mary, she barely glanced at me when I told her I was leaving with Mick and I'd catch her later. Oh well, at least she wouldn't miss me. One glance at Cathy, who was still making out in the corner, told me she wouldn't care where I went any more than Mary did.

I pulled on my coat and we stepped outside. Though it was dark out, I had four more hours until my curfew, so I announced, "I don't have to be home until eleven."

"I'll get you home by then." Mick grabbed my hand and I followed him down the street. His fingers were warm and his large hand swallowed mine up. Fish had small hands in comparison, not that I wanted to think about him right now. He'd never made me feel like Mick had managed to do from his kisses alone.

After walking several short blocks, we arrived at a two story home badly in need of a paint job. The moment I stepped inside I nearly gagged from the smell of cat pee, so I continued breathing through my teeth. I heard the television in the other room. It sounded like they were watching
Frosty the Snowman
.

Mick led me up the stairs and within minutes I'd grown accustomed to the scent. If I focused on other things, like the handsome guy standing next to me, it didn't seem too bad. I studied the small room he'd brought me to and waited while he closed the door. A few sparse posters hung on the wall containing pictures of different rock bands. A twin-sized bed covered with crumpled sheets rested against the wall.

I sure hoped the sheets didn't stink as bad as the rest of the house. I removed my jacket at the same time he removed his. We set them on the chair in the corner of the room.

Mick smiled and grabbed me around the waist. He pulled me toward the bed so I sat on his lap. "Now where were we?" he whispered as he kissed my neck.

Soon everything melded into the background except for the sensation of his hands roaming over me. I let him do whatever he wanted. He gazed into my eyes and gestured toward my shirt. "Can you take it off?"

Though it was cool in the room, the heat between us made it bearable. I peeled off my tee shirt. He studied me and smiled, like he thought I was sexy sitting beside him wearing only my bra. He motioned toward the bed.

I lay down beside him. We touched and explored each other's bodies, but I wasn't scared. Maybe because he was gentle and I was willing this time. Even odder than that, however, was the fact that I was completely sober.

Had somehow getting on the pill made me less scared of pregnancy, so it was easier for me to do this? I didn't think so, but nothing else made sense.

He must've heard my thoughts, because he asked, "You're on the pill, right?"

I nodded, and from that point on there was no stopping him. He went full speed ahead, but it didn't end quickly like it had with my friends' brother. When he finished and sat up to light a cigarette, I marveled that I'd actually enjoyed feeling him inside me. Maybe this was what true love felt like. If not, it sure felt close.

Though Mick barely knew me, I could tell from the way he kissed and touched me that he really liked me. Now all I had to do was figure out a way to make him love me. If having sex would do the trick, I didn't mind at all. In fact, I wanted to do it again.

Mick studied me and smiled. "You liked that, didn't you?"

I nodded and attempted to cover myself with one arm. "You were great, Mick. I don't have much experience, but I'd like to learn more. Will you teach me?"

For a moment I thought Mick would choke on his cigarette. Instead, he lit another and handed it to me. We smoked them down to the nubs, and since he never responded, I started to get dressed. Maybe he didn't want to do it more than once.

He touched my arm. "Don't get dressed yet. We still have time."

"Okay. I'm not in a hurry." I returned my clothes to the pile and waited.

Mick touched my hair and gazed into my eyes as if seeking permission for more. I didn't resist, so he bent to kiss my lips, then pulled me against him. Never before had I felt so wanted by a guy. It was the headiest feeling in the world. No wonder Jenny thought having sex with her boyfriend was true love. Right now I felt the same way.

Later that night, Mick walked me home. I thought about inviting him inside, but decided not to risk it in case my parents didn't like him. Before he left, Mick asked if I'd meet him at Buttons again tomorrow night to play some more pool.

"Sure. I'd love to hang out." I gave him the sweetest smile I could muster. "I really enjoyed tonight, Mick."

He bent forward and kissed me again. Unlike most guys, he didn't hurry, but took his time. His kiss held promise, like there was more to come if I was interested. "I think I could fall in love with you, Missy."

My heart pounded as he slowly turned and walked away. He spun on his heel and gave me a friendly wave, then reached into his jacket and pulled out a smoke. I watched him light up and flip his collar as he braved the elements and walked home.

Did he really think he could love me? Or had he said those words because he knew that I desperately wanted to hear them?

I decided in that moment, it really didn't matter. I was willing to take a risk and find out for myself where our relationship might lead. I doubted it would turn into something permanent like marriage, but if I could get somebody to love me like I'd always dreamed of, then the future didn't matter anyway. I wanted to feel cherished now, and Mick had accomplished that.

As I closed the door and stepped inside my house, I sighed. Mick was handsome and he thought he could love me. I ate up every sensation his words inflamed in my heart. In fact, I couldn't wait to get to bed so I could fall asleep and dream of Mick. When I woke up, it would be tomorrow. Then I could see Mick again.

Chapter Ten

Mick and I continued to see each other throughout Christmas break. We had sex every time we got together. Sometimes we had a few beers first, but most of the time we were sober. In fact, I couldn't think of a time we didn't go to his aunt's house and sneak up the stairs to his bedroom. Not that I minded.

If nothing else, Mick knew how to turn me on, though lately our time in bed was shorter and more rushed. Sometimes I felt like a prostitute because of the things he asked me to do, not that I'd ever admit it to my friends. I rarely saw them these days anyway.

It could have been the cigarette he insisted on smoking every time he rolled off of me that brought thoughts of prostitution to mind. Or maybe it was the fact that he'd come to expect sex whenever we got together that felt degrading.
Except, unlike a whore, he never paid me to do it. I gave myself away for free.

My birthday came and went without me telling Mick. I didn't want him to know that I'd lied about my age. Maybe next year when I turned seventeen, I'd tell him the truth.
If
we lasted that long. Lately, I wondered why I didn't just dump him. He gave me little incentive to stick around these days.

Less than two months later, things went south fast. I should have suspected something was up when I gave Mick a carton of cigarettes for Valentine's Day and all he gave me was a cheap box of candy and a shirt that he'd probably stolen from his aunt's dresser. It was woefully out of style and it smelled like cat piss.

I threw the ugly thing into the trash as soon as he left me on my doorstep, and I cried. Either his giving me a gift had been an afterthought, or he'd found someone else to screw around with on the side.

I didn't care if he did say he loved me every time we had sex. I knew if a guy had real feelings for a girl, he'd put more thought into a gift. Tearing the wrapper off the box of candy, I sighed and peered inside. Even the chocolates looked like they were at least a year old. Without tasting them, I threw the box in the trash to join the rag he'd given me.

My pride had been wounded and I decided maybe Mick wasn't so great after all. Sex was becoming too much of a routine for us anyway. I wanted a guy to like me for more than just a good time in bed and for what I could do to please him. I wanted a guy who actually cared about my thoughts and feelings.

Mick didn't have that level of interest in me and I had no reason to think he'd ever want to change. Rather than confront him about his lack of concern and his crappy gifts, I decided to avoid him. The sad part was he didn't even care. Apparently I'd lost my usefulness, or like I'd suspected before, he'd found a replacement before I dumped him.

Maybe I just needed to get away from my friends, the city, and everything familiar since it did nothing but discourage me in my pursuit of a decent relationship that would eventually morph -- I hoped -- into true love. When I brought the subject up to my parents, they were less than thrilled with the idea of me moving out of state to live with my Aunt Laverne.

So I dropped the subject for a few months and did whatever I could to avoid Mick and his renewed phone calls. Then I met a guy named Tim and things started looking up. When my parents weren't home, which was rare, I'd invite Tim into the house and we'd climb into my bed. That lasted for a few months, until I discovered Tim was cheating on me the whole time with a girl from another school.

He never confessed, though. I found out from a mutual friend that the reason he'd lost a front tooth was he took a girl to a party and they left drunk. He hit a phone pole and lost a tooth. She'd had a few ribs broken because she'd climbed on his lap while he was driving. Someone's dad worked as an EMT and had arrived on the scene, and the story people shared about the wreck told me all I needed to know. Tim was history now, too.

After finishing my sophomore year of high school, I dated so many other guys I lost count. I didn't sleep with many of them, though.
Just a few guys. My friend Shari Gecko kept telling me which guys to avoid and which ones to date. Come to find out she was sleeping with some of my dates behind my back, so we didn't last long as friends.

One night I went to a party with Mary and ran into that cute guy from last fall named Andy. He looked as dreamy as ever. Now I was sixteen going on seventeen so there was no reason we couldn't have sex.
If he was still interested in me.

The coolest thing was he actually remembered me. Of all the girls in the world who liked him, he remembered my face and my name. Of course he called me jail bait at first. Then he smiled and said, "Hey, Missy, I'm thinking you're old enough now, right?"

"I sure am. What do you say we get together some time?"

He paused a moment and wrote his address on a piece of paper. "My parents will be gone this weekend. Stop by and we'll get reacquainted."

"Do I have to wait until then to get a kiss from a hot guy like you?" Good grief, I even sounded like a slut. Oh well.

He winked. "I think I can oblige you now."

We kissed and it reminded me of the first time we met. He was a skilled kisser, but not a man handler when it came to my body. I liked that about Andy. Plus, the look of intense desire in his eyes told me I had the same effect on him that I had the first time. The weekend couldn't come soon enough for me.

I asked almost as an afterthought, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

A rogue grin tugged at his mouth and he said, "Now I do."

Be still my racing heart. What girl didn't want to hear that, right? And from a sexy guy like Andy? I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

You think I would've worried about stuff like VD since my morals had become so loose, but that happened to other people who messed around. Not me. At least I hoped not. How would I explain that to my parents? At least with condoms I had some protection. Not many guys I knew wanted to wear them.

When Saturday arrived, I grabbed the bus across town. Andy lived about as far on the other side of the city as he could get, but I figured it was worth transferring on two busses to get to his place. His house was average, like mine, and painted a bright shade of green with white trim.

Come to find out Andy had a Slavic background, and according to Mary, those guys were pretty intense lovers. Mary said they even made Italian guys seem lame.

With all that imagery floating around in my head, I was expecting the time of my life in Andy's bed. What I didn't expect was how much it would hurt with a guy that huge. Maybe it scared me when I first saw him naked. I don't know what happened, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. It seemed to go on forever and I prayed he would finish and get off me.

The moment he did, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. It hurt to walk. Did all girls feel that way with him, or was there something different about me? I thought about asking, but decided against it. Andy seemed to have lost interest in talking once he'd gotten what I came to his house for. It grieved me to think our date was little more than a free "call girl" like myself coming over to climb into the sack with a guy I barely knew. When had my life gotten so out of control?

I even thought about praying, but figured God wouldn't hear a sinner like me. Regardless, I started to feel like I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I know it sounds cliché, but I couldn't think of a better description of how I felt.

While I was doing well in school, I didn't think I could stand another year with the same people who now knew that I was easy according to my ex-friend Shari Gecko, who passed rumors around the school. Some crappy friend she turned out to be. I told my parents I couldn't last another year with the same group of kids. I had no real friends anyway, so what would it hurt for me to transfer schools?

My parents resisted the idea of me leaving, of course, until I took half a bottle of pain pills and made sure my mother found me in time to make me puke it up. My father came home that night furious. "What did you hope to accomplish, Missy?"

I didn't know what to say, so I hung my head, which hurt like someone had hit it with a hammer. I made a mental note to avoid taking too many of those blue pills in the future. The after effects sucked.

"Missy, tell us what's wrong. We just want to help." My mother's voice pleaded and sounded on the verge of tears.

My throat didn't want to work, so I swallowed hard and stared at them until my parents started fighting. Dad accused Mom of passing her depression on to me and Mom said Dad was the cause of my grief since he gave me permission to have sex with all the guys in the neighborhood when he got me on the pill.

I was shocked that they fought and said such mean things to each other. Worse, most of what they screamed in each other's faces was true.

"I just want to die," I whispered.

My parents turned and glanced at me, and all arguing ceased. My mother's eyes filled with tears and my father clenched his fists. He asked through tight lips, "What did you just say?"

"I want to die. Just let me die!" I sobbed into my hands.

For a while, other than my desperate cries, silence lingered between them. After I calmed down and couldn't shed another tear, my mother said, "Aunt Laverne told us you could stay with her if it would help. We told her it wasn't necessary when we talked about it the last time, but I think we'll call her again. Maybe going to California will be the change that you need."

I brightened just a bit when I thought about moving away from all this. My father put his hand on my shoulder and said in a soft voice, "There's a Christian high school there. We'll pay whatever the fee is to get you enrolled. If you want to go to school there just say the word."

Conflicted by my parents sudden support for me and the desire to leave my sad past behind, I decided to take their offer to move for the last two years of high school. I'd miss my parents, but if it would help me turn my life around, I was willing to try anything.