Somebody Love Me (Journeys) (9 page)

Chapter Eleven

When the time came to get on the plane, I had no regrets. I'd distanced myself from Mary and Cathy and the rest of my low-life friends. I needed hope for the future, and while the idea of going to a Christian school made me want to cringe, it couldn't be any worse than my public high school where kids pushed drugs at you during lunch recess and guys just wanted to get into your pants. Maybe the boys would be nicer there.

Berating myself for even thinking about guys, I rubbed my eyes and tried to sleep. Wasn't that a big part of my problem? Once I'd had sex, I seemed to have forgotten how to relate to boys without letting them touch me and trying to turn them on. Somehow my head had gotten things backwards and I'd lost my knack for basic communication.

I wanted my life to be simple again, like it had been before I was ruined by friends like Jenny and her scumbag boyfriend. How I wished I'd never listened to any of them. At least then I wouldn't feel like a used up girl who hadn't even reached her seventeenth birthday. How did other girls live like this and seem happy? Or was it all a big façade for them too, like I tried to portray to cover up my hurt?

How I wished everyone would stop pretending and be real with me. Could I find a guy like that? Or was it a waste of time to even look for a decent man? One thing I knew for sure, though, was real life wasn't like
Porky's, The Last American Virgin,
and
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
. People in Hollywood made a lot of money getting young girls like me to believe it and go see their latest films, but it wasn't real.

Real life hurt.

You didn't see that portrayed in films. No, they made sex, drugs and rock-n-roll seem hip. Well, I knew that wasn't even close to the truth. Sure, it felt good for a little while, but once you were used up and the guys moved on, there was no worse feeling in the world. Maybe a Christian school would be good for me.

Unless people were the same there.

I had no doubt there were hypocrites in every institution, but I held on to the hope that I'd find real love at my new school. I couldn't bear to consider the alternative, which meant there were no good guys anywhere. That couldn't be true, or people would never get married, right? There had to be a way to snag a guy that didn't use sex to hook them.

Maybe the Christian girls at my new high school could teach me ways to win a guy's heart without physical incentives. So far the only heart I'd won was the
devil's. He had me right where he wanted me, too. I felt hopeless and alone, and worse than I'd ever felt in my life. Some days I didn't care if I even woke up the next morning.

With that sad thought in mind, I fell into a deep sleep. A parade of ex-boyfriends went before me as I sat in a chair with flashing lights above my head. Each young man paused for several seconds in front of my throne. I could see everything from their perspective, and then things shifted back to my point of view.

We were on a game show called,
That's Not My Life
, and the prize was me.

Not a single guy remembered my name, even though I knew their bodies intimately. I gave them hints, even spelled my name out for them, and still they looked at me with blank stares. I woke up crying.

Someone patted my hand. The elderly woman next to me asked if I was okay.

With a nod, I braced myself for landing. I'd only ridden in a plane once before and it had scared me when the wheels touched down because I wasn't expecting it. Maybe I needed to take that approach to relationships. Expect hurt and disappointment and I'd see it coming before it slapped my face. It couldn't hurt to try that approach. Nothing else seemed to be helping.

I waited in line with my carryon bag secured over my shoulder and exited the plane with the other passengers. Aunt Laverne waited for me at the end of the jet bridge and enveloped me in a hug so grand that I nearly cried. She looked a bit older than I remembered, but still resembled the favorite aunt I used to visit as a young child.

I'd have to ask her later why she stopped sending my parents tickets for me to come visit her during school breaks and over the summers. Aunt Laverne had never married, and from what I gathered, she never wanted to. But she saw me as her child.

Maybe it didn't matter. The fact was I had arrived ready to begin my new life in California. Aunt Laverne had always been kind to me, taking me under her maternal wing and showing me a good time when I was a child.

When I started Middle School it seemed our regular visits had petered off. Maybe she didn't want to interfere with my summer sports, or maybe the fact I hadn't asked what happened confirmed for her that I'd outgrown our visits. For some reason I'd forgotten about our bond and it made me feel incredibly selfish.

Had my aunt missed me? The force of her hug told me she had. My voice sounded muffled as I spoke against her large breasts. "I'm sorry we lost contact, Auntie. I used to love our visits."

Aunt Laverne held my shoulders and said with conviction, her eyes wet, "Don't worry about it, Melissa. What matters is you want to stay with me now."

The sincerity in her eyes told me she meant every word. Had something happened to keep us apart that I wasn't aware of? My father only had one sister, and my mother was an only child, so I didn't have many relatives. I did find it odd that our contact ended and for whatever reason, I stopped caring.

  My throat knotted with guilt. Was I really so self-focused that I never asked?

As I rode in a taxi with my aunt to her old Victorian home in the outskirts of San Francisco, I remembered the area as if I'd grown up there. In some ways I had. "I miss coming here. Everything looks the same, but different now. Not as big."

"That's because you haven't come to visit since you were eleven."

I glanced at my aunt and asked, "What happened? I never asked."

"Your father and I disagree on a number of things. One of them is the way I live my life. He thinks I should get married and I told him I like my life the way it is."

"That seems like a dumb reason to keep me from visiting you."

"There were other things, but I don't want to talk about them right now. Maybe later after you get settled, okay?"

"Sure. I can wait."

The taxi driver pulled up in front of my aunt's home and I smiled. We had some good times here. Why didn't I think of this sooner? "Dad said you work at a Christian school in the city? He said I'll be attending there. Is that true?"

"Yes, I've already taken care of everything." My aunt paid the driver, who lifted my luggage from the trunk and set it on the ground.

"Thank you, George." Aunt Laverne reached for one of my suitcases, and I grabbed the other.

Why didn't it surprise me that she knew the driver by name? Then again, few people in this neighborhood owned cars. It didn't make sense due to so many other modes of transportation being available.

"I'm the principal at Grace Christian, so I made sure you were signed up for the best classes we have to offer. In fact, since you've gotten good grades and you're ahead on credits, I thought you might want to accelerate things and graduate early. Then you can enroll in the University next fall and start college."

"I never liked high school much. Maybe I'll do that."

We walked into her home and it hadn't changed from what I remembered. She still had hippy beads hanging in doorways. The wooden floors shone like she'd just had them polished. Her fireplace looked even prettier than I remembered, with flowers carved ornately on the mantle to match the flowered woodwork on the staircase.

"Will I have the same room?" I headed for the stairs and she laid a hand on my arm, stopping me before I could ascend.

"I have an art studio upstairs and my bedroom is there, but I have a nice room reserved just for you on the main floor. You'll have access to the kitchen and your own bathroom and you won't be disturbed if I'm up painting in the middle of the night."

"Okay, I just want to get settled. I'm exhausted."

Aunt Laverne led me to the back of the house to a room off the kitchen. My guess is back at the turn of the century it had been a library. The shelves full of books kind of gave that away. But it was the large poster bed with the soft-looking quilt that captured my attention. It made my bed at home look like a cot in a cabin. I'd feel like a queen here.

After setting my suitcase on a chair and pulling out a cozy nightgown, I slipped under the sheets to take a mid-day nap. I could unpack my things later. School started in a little over a month and I needed to rest up while I could. There was no telling what trouble I might find myself in once classes began. I hoped Aunt Laverne would know how to help me put on the brakes. I needed someone to be stronger than me.

Chapter Twelve

The summer was half over by the time I arrived at Aunt Laverne's. After a mere two weeks of boredom alone at my aunt's house, I'd already met a local guy named Chuck. School didn't start for another three weeks, so I decided to make the best use of my time and get to know him so I could say I had at least one friend in the neighborhood.

Chuck told me he saw me getting off a trolley by myself and decided to walk me home. That should've
creeped me out, but I'd been lonely and spent every day for the past week window shopping, so I figured why not talk to him? Come to find out we were practically neighbors.

We chatted on my aunt's front steps until an hour before she was due to arrive home. Principals work over the summer, so while Aunt Laverne had plenty to keep her occupied, I had nothing going on. I'd read all the books in my room that interested me and I was tired of feeling lonely. Plus, Chuck was cute, and according to him, around my age.

How much harm could a seventeen-year-old boy do to my heart after what had already been done? I needed a friend, and Chuck seemed like a nice guy. I heard myself rationalizing things to make me feel less weird about spending time with a total stranger, but this guy intrigued me. So I took a chance with him.

They say idleness is the devil's workshop. I have to agree with that one, because having nothing to do made Chuck's company that much more welcome. It didn't help that my meager discernment had been filled with holes like a sock eaten by a family of moths.

When I told him that my aunt would be home in a few minutes, he stiffened and said he had to go. Before I had a chance to say goodbye, he kissed me and took off running down the street. He called over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow."

Finally, a guy who didn't seem to have a hidden agenda.
We talked. That was it. So why didn't I know his last name, or where he lived? Then I realized I'd done most of the talking. He was a great listener, though.

While he'd given me a quick kiss before running down the street, it was a simple, hurried kiss and not a slow, mesmerizing one with tongue involvement. Those tended to make my brain shut off until my hormones took over.

Quick kisses were good for me. So was normal conversation. Chuck and I had talked about everything imaginable, including the weather. The only subject we avoided discussing was religion. Up to this point we hadn't run out of things to talk about, though, and none of our conversations had to do with sex.

So far he was the best guy of them all, and he made a pretty good confidante. For some reason I'd always gotten along better with guys than girls. Now if I could just stop thinking about making out with him. I wanted to keep things innocent between us as long as possible. At least until we became close friends.

Too bad what I wanted and my reality always ended up being two different things. After a week of chatting on my aunt's porch, we took our conversation inside. The constant drizzle outside made it difficult to talk without getting wet. That was my rationalization for inviting him inside.

Then I told myself I'd keep him in the kitchen because that way we wouldn't track our wet shoes into the house. If we kept our shoes in the kitchen, I could get rid of the evidence from his visits easier. The fact that he wanted to come see me every day around noon made me
smile. He said he worked the night shift as a security guard over the summer and didn't get up until ten or so every day.

After several days of talking in the kitchen, we took our shoes off and sat on the couch in the front room. We hadn't gotten close enough to my bedroom yet to make me nervous, but in the back of my mind, I wanted to go there with him.
Just being honest.

The fact that he never tried to do anything with me made me that much more interested. Did Chuck not find me attractive, or was he waiting for me to make the first move? Other than a brief kiss goodbye after each visit, nothing else happened.
Ever.

Until the night I heard a light tapping sound on the back door, I'd kept most things above board with my aunt with the exception of telling her about my secret boyfriend. I was afraid she'd find out my new friend happened to be a boy and she'd forbid me to see him. I also didn't want to tell her I let him into her house while she was at work. She might decide not to trust me, and I wouldn't blame her.

Hurrying before my aunt heard the noise. I threw on a bathrobe and got up to see who it was. Through the window I saw the silhouette of a young man. It had to be Chuck. The way he stood with his hands shoved in his pockets and his shoulders slightly hunched made my heart throb.

I opened the door and pressed my finger against my lips. He slipped into the kitchen and we tiptoed to my room. Shutting the door behind us, I sat on my bed.

"My aunts sleeps like a log, but I don't want her to hear us and come downstairs," I whispered. "Why are you here in the middle of the night?"

"My parents are fighting again. Dad is drunk and when he gets like that sometimes he uses me for a punching bag."

Though dark in my room, I could see the sheen of tears in his eyes from the moonlight shining through my window. Poor Chuck. I wanted to help him.

"You can sleep here. I just need to make sure you leave before my aunt gets up to make breakfast, or you'll be stuck in here all day."

"Really? You'll let me spend the night?" The hopeful look in his eyes nearly buckled my knees. He pulled me against him in a tight hug, and I couldn't help feeling like I'd saved him somehow. He needed me to comfort him. The vulnerable look in his eyes convinced me of that much. Maybe I'd finally found somebody to love me.

Up to that point we hadn't touched all that much. A quick peck on the lips didn't mean a lot when compared to the other things we could do. Not that I planned to tear his clothes off or anything. I just wanted to help him in any way I could.

When he released me, he gazed into my eyes. "Thank you, Missy. I can't tell you how much this means to me."

"You're welcome." My attention slid to his mouth for just a moment, then returned to his face. "It's the least I can do for a friend."

"Is that all I am to you, Missy? A friend?" His thumb caressed my cheek as he held my face, and then rested on my lips.

The yearning I felt in my heart fanned into flame and I kissed the pad of his thumb, my gaze never leaving his. I wanted so much more than friendship right now.

Chuck must've understood my need, or seen desire in my eyes, because he kissed me with reverence, and his lips caressed mine in a sacred dance. I'd never felt so special before. So treasured. So loved.

It didn't take us long to fall on the bed. I helped him out of his clothes and once he was naked, he helped me out of mine. We touched and caressed each other for hours. Nothing was hurried and everything felt wonderful. I could get used to loving a man like Chuck. In fact, by the time morning had arrived, neither of us had slept a wink, but my body was satisfied.

A dog barked next door, reminding me to check the clock. It was six in the morning and my aunt never got up later than seven on the weekends. "You better go."

Chuck studied my face and kissed me once more. "Can I spend the night again?"

"Sure. If you come by after my aunt goes to bed, I'll let you in."

"Awesome." Chuck grinned like he'd just won the lotto and kissed me once more. "I want to marry you, Missy. You need to finish high school first, but after you graduate, we'll get married, okay? I'll keep working and saving to support us."

Was he serious? "You want to get married?"

"Not right now. But after last night, I know I want to be with you forever. I love you, Missy.
With everything in me. Say you love me, too."

My pulse pounded so hard, I worried my aunt would hear my heart thumping all the way upstairs. "Do you mean it, Chuck?"

"Of course I mean it. I wouldn't propose if I didn't mean it. Why would you even ask me that?" He frowned, but I wasn't afraid of him getting mad. He loved me.

"I do love you. Okay, we'll get married. But first I need to accelerate my classes. I'm only a junior this year, but my aunt said if I work hard I can graduate a year early."

"Then that's what you'll do. We'll marry right after you graduate. In the meanwhile I'll save everything I've got." He kissed me again, but this time it was fierce and full of feeling.

The sound of something moving upstairs told me he needed to leave now or we'd be busted.
"Hurry. My aunt's awake."

The fear in his eyes and the hurried way he dressed almost made me smile. But I didn't want him to think I was laughing at him. My aunt wouldn't hurt a flea, but she did have the power to ground me. And that would mean no more nights with Chuck. I couldn't let that happen. Not when things were finally looking up.

After that first night, Chuck spent nearly every night in my bed. When he couldn't make it, he would call me first. So after ten months of being trustworthy, I had no reason to doubt him. Not until the night of my graduation.

I still hadn't told Aunt Laverne about him. I know, keeping a secret for a year was hard for me, but I guess deep inside I knew she wouldn't approve of him, so I didn't want them to meet until after we got married.

But he'd promised he would come to my graduation and I hadn't seen him in the crowd. It was a small graduating class, so he would've been easy to spot. I'd never felt so disappointed in my life.

My new girlfriends comforted me after the ceremony even though they didn't know why I was sobbing like I'd just witnessed my favorite pet get run over by a car. I didn't understand it myself. He hadn't broken up with me. He simply never showed up for my graduation ceremony.

My parents were there, and I appreciated seeing their support, but that didn't make up for his absence. By now Chuck had become the love of my life. I know it sounds melodramatic, but in my heart I sensed something was very wrong.

Then a sudden thought struck me like a bolt of lightning. His father must've kept him from coming. He warned me that his dad could be unpredictable, especially when he was drunk, so he didn't want me to meet his family. I remembered him showing me once where he lived, though I'd never gone to his house. Chuck had made me afraid to meet his father with all of the stories he told about how his father beat him when he was a kid.

But it would drive me crazy until I found out what happened. So after my parents left to go to their hotel and my aunt retreated to bed, I got dressed and headed out to find out what had happened to my boyfriend. Thankfully there was a light on inside the house. Before I would knock on the door, I needed to make sure it was safe.

So I peered through the sheer curtains to see who was there. Chuck sat on the couch watching television. He had his arm around a pretty girl's shoulder. Fury shot through my bloodstream and if I could have jumped through the glass to claim him, I would have done so in a flash.

Until I saw them kissing. Then my heart just broke. I debated on whether or not to knock, then figured if we were breaking up, I wanted to be the one to do it. No guy cheated on me and got away with it. So I knocked.

After several seconds, Chuck answered.
"Missy? What are you doing here?"

The girl on the couch behind him gazed at me with curiosity.

"You were supposed to come to my graduation. Did you forget?"

Why was I acting nice right now? I should rip the lips right off his face.

"No. I couldn't go. My cousin came for a visit and I didn't want to leave her in the house alone. Sorry, I should have called."

I glanced at the table and noticed for the first time an open bottle of whiskey and several small shot glasses. "Do you always drink with your cousin?"

He smirked and glanced at the girl on the couch. "Not usually."

I smelled the alcohol on his breath. Though he acted fine, when he stepped toward me he swayed a bit. He was drunk? Since when did he drink?

"I saw you kissing her," I hissed.

Chuck blinked like he had no idea what I was talking about. "Kissing who?"

"Her!" I pointed at the girl on the couch and noticed her shirt gaped a bit and the buttons didn't line up right. Had they been screwing around, too?

"Missy, it's getting late. Can we talk about this later?" Chuck nudged me toward the door. "I'll stop by tomorrow night.
Promise."

Did I even want him to stop by? Of course I did. I loved him. But now that he'd cheated on me what would be the point? "Don't bother," I snarled.

Turning on my heal, I slammed the door behind me. I heard the girl ask through the walls, "Who was that?"

"Nobody important."

His response echoed in my brain. Nobody important? Had everything he'd ever told me been a lie? Had I spent the past year sleeping with a guy and falling deeper in love only to discover he was the same as all the rest?

As I ran home to my aunt's house, I sobbed until my stomach hurt. In the morning when my parents left to return to New York, I was going to leave with them. I needed to get as far away from Chuck as I could before I changed my mind.