Something Like Winter (49 page)

“
Another one for
you.”

There he was! Not Bo
Williams and his fake beard but Benjamin Bentley. And he looked
fantastic. Age had done him more favors than harm. His once-blond
hair was cut short, darker now and closer to matching his brown
eyes. The summer sun made his skin appear radiant and healthy, and
he didn’t seem to have an ounce of fat on his thin
frame.

Tim could see by Ben’s
expression that he was having entirely different thoughts about
him. Was that pity?

Then Tim heard a familiar
scoff. Ryan was standing farther away, wearing a smug
expression.

“
What are you doing here?”
Tim said, jaw clenching.

“
Me?” Ryan shouted. “I
should be the one asking that, if it wasn’t so obvious. I checked
your computer. I know you’ve been coming here!”

“
So what? It’s a
theater!”

“
With
him
in it? Like that’s an accident?”
Ryan marched forward; Tim met him halfway. “You’re pathetic, you
know that? You have the nerve to kick me out for sleeping around on
you—”

Too much! Tim couldn’t take
it anymore. Here he was in front of Ben again after all this time,
looking and feeling like hell, and Ryan was spouting everything
ugly about his life. Red blinded his vision. He just wanted Ryan to
shut up, to stop spewing venom and go away.

“
Let go of him!” The voice
sounded like Ben’s, but it was far away. “I said let
go!”

A hand grabbed his
shoulder, and Tim swung around defensively. Then the world came
back into focus and Ben was staring at him in fear.

Oh god.

“
That’s right, show him how
you treat me!” Ryan shouted. When Tim turned around, Ryan was
lifting up his T-shirt sleeves to reveal the bruises he got last
week when Tim had shaken him in anger. Now, just above them, were
fresh red handprints. “Did he do this to you, too?” Ryan said. “Is
that why you left him?”

Tim turned to explain, but
Ben no longer appeared afraid. He looked angry. Tim couldn’t hold
his gaze.

“
I’m going to kill myself,”
Ryan shouted. Tim heard the front door open. “I’m going to kill
myself and leave a note blaming it on you!”

The door slammed after him.
The silence that followed was thick. This was
humiliating.

“
I guess I should go after
him,” Tim said lamely.

“
I guess you
should.”

He reached the door, his
hand on the push bar. He couldn’t leave it like this. Ben had seen
him do plenty of terrible things, but this was too low. Tim turned
his head. “La Maisonette, tomorrow. Seven o’clock?” When Ben didn’t
answer, he added, “Please?”

Ben sighed. “All
right.”

Tim left the theater, head
hung low. He found Ryan half a block down, waiting at a bus stop,
arms wrapped around himself.

“
Come on,” Tim said, not
bothering to stop. “I’ll drive you home.”

Half a minute later Ryan
rushed to catch up to him. “I hate you,” he said.

“
Yeah. I kind of figured
that.”

Ryan sniffed. “You still
love him, don’t you? Admit it.”

“
I have a bad habit of
loving people I shouldn’t, but don’t worry. He shares your opinion
of me.”

They didn’t talk during the
drive home or the rest of the night. When Ryan announced he was
having a party the next day, Tim merely shrugged. At least it would
keep Ryan occupied while he went to dinner with the love of his
life and tried to explain the colossal mess he’d gotten himself
into.

Chapter
Thirty-one

A fresh haircut could work
wonders. Today, Tim needed something more miraculous than that. He
stared forlornly at his reflection in the car’s flip-down visor.
The stylist had done the best she could, but even cleanly shaven he
still looked like life had taken a dump on him. Too many parties,
sleepless nights, and arguments. Too much Ryan.

Flipping up the visor with
a resigned sigh, Tim went into La Maisonette early and had the
waiter bring him a bottle of wine. He intended it to be ready and
waiting when Ben arrived, but his nerves got the better of him and
he poured himself a glass. Or two.

When Ben showed up, led to
the table by the waiter, he looked wary, as if Tim had some
ulterior motive. Tim felt much too insecure to even contemplate
seduction. He gave his best smile anyway—just enough to convince
Ben to sit.

“
I’m sorry about
yesterday,” he said, lifting the bottle. “Drink?”

Ben nodded, watching Tim
pour a glass and set it before him, but he didn’t touch it. “Is
your boyfriend okay?”

“
Ryan? Yeah, he says stuff
like that all the time.”

Ben’s posture was rigid.
“And do you react like that all the time?”

“
No! I never hit him.
Nothing like that.” Tim moved his hand across the table out of
habit, wanting to touch Ben. Instead he lamely fondled the salt
shaker before retreating. “We had a fight last week, an argument,
and I grabbed him just like last night. I guess I don’t know my own
strength.” Ben didn’t look convinced. “Ryan really knows how to
push my buttons. Usually I keep my cool, but lately— I’m afraid of
what might happen if things don’t change.”

Ben considered his words
before his body language relaxed slightly. “All right. Tell me
everything.”

Tim poured out his heart,
grateful for a sympathetic ear. Marcello wasn’t a bad listener
either, but he regarded Ryan as a defective product that needed to
be exchanged for something better. Marcello transitioned through
love affairs with ease. For Tim, every relationship had gravitas,
and when things went wrong, he felt like Atlas struggling under the
weight of the world.

“
Ryan is your opposite,”
Tim said. “You always brought out the best in me, changed me for
the better. With Ryan, I just don’t know. I used to see myself in
him. His parents are just as cold as mine. I saw the pain hidden
behind that pretty face of his, but he has a mean streak. Ryan
turns his hurt back on the world, and I don’t know what I can do to
make him better. I think he’s who I would have become had I never
met you.”

“
You would have been fine,”
Ben said.

“
No, I wouldn’t have. Hell,
look at the mess I’ve made of my life.” Tim shook his head. “You
never would have let me get away with any of this.”

“
I still won’t.” Ben smiled
for the first time since arriving. “You inviting me here tonight
gives me free reign to meddle.”

Tim shrugged. “Meddle away.
As long as you can fix things.”

“
You could leave him,” Ben
said.

“
I could,” Tim said, “but
the sex is great, and you know how needy I get. If only I had
someone to take his place.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Jace
knows I’m here.”

“
That’s fine.” Tim took
another sip of wine. “Did I cause an argument?”

“
Nope.”

“
Despite what happened last
time, he still let you meet me here tonight?”

Ben nodded.

“
He’s not
human.”

“
Probably not,” Ben said as
if exasperated, but he was smiling. “He trusts me, and I’m not
about to make him regret that. Not this time.”

“
Good,” Tim said. Amazing
how one little word could still be a lie.

The waiter came to take
their orders, but neither of them had even glanced at the menus
yet. Tim ordered the suggested appetizer, but by the time it came,
they both were eager to leave. This wasn’t the right environment.
Had they ever eaten dinner out together? Doing so now seemed
unnatural, so they settled the bill and left.

“
You should probably get
home,” Tim said. “Jace might make Gandhi look intolerant, but I bet
he’s still worried.”

“
You can’t drive. Not after
all that wine.”

“
It was just a few
glasses.”

“
It was enough.” Ben
started toward the parking lot. “Come on. I’ll give you a
ride.”

Familiar discomfort settled
over Tim once they were in Ben’s car. He imagined Jace sitting in
this very seat, wondered how much of the interior smell came from
him. Was that a hint of his cologne? Tim still didn’t like the idea
of someone else being with Ben, but he no longer felt he had a
claim on him. Especially now. Ben probably thought he was pathetic,
the furthest thing from being worthy of love.

“
This isn’t how I meant for
it to be. How I wanted us to meet again, I mean.” Tim glanced over
at Ben, rows of shadow and light from the streetlights passing over
his face. “I had this dream about you being on stage. Isn’t that
crazy? I had no idea you did theater, but I dreamt it
anyway.”

Ben’s eyes darted to meet
his. “And that’s how you found me?”

“
Well, that and some
Google-powered stalking.”

“
I may have indulged in
that myself,” Ben said.

“
You tried looking me
up?”

“
Yeah. I was curious. I
didn’t find anything, though.”

Because Tim didn’t do
anything. He hadn’t left his mark on the world, hadn’t made a
difference in any way. The thought was almost as depressing as the
cars that filled his driveway and lined the street. Ryan’s party.
Tim had nearly forgotten. “Walk me to the door?” he said jokingly,
relieved when Ben pulled over and killed the engine. Ben felt like
a lifeline to sanity, and Tim wasn’t ready to let go just
yet.

They could hear loud music
blaring even before they got out of the car. Once they did,
shouting voices were added to the din. And a howl that made Tim’s
gut twist with guilt.

“
I told him not to leave
her out back. She hates being alone at night.”

“
Chinchilla?”

“
Yeah.” Tim nodded toward
the house. “Come on. She’ll be glad to see you.”

Having property enough to
not need a privacy fence was nice, but Tim was considering having
one built. That way Chinchilla could be unchaperoned when outside.
Currently he had to keep her on a leash tied to a tree. When
Chinchilla saw them, she bounded around in circles, stubby tail
wagging when Ben knelt down to pet her.

Tim squatted, unclipping
the line and trying to get it untangled. “This happens almost
nightly,” he muttered. If he wasn’t having a party, Ryan would get
sick of the dog being in the way and put her outside, knowing Tim
would bring her back in every time. Ryan probably did it just to
piss him off.

“
I don’t mean to state the
obvious,” Ben said, “but why don’t you just break up with him? I
know, I know, you said the sex is really great, but things are only
going to get worse.”

“
You’re right, but I don’t
know how. You heard him last night. He always threatens to kill
himself. The night he overdosed was because I suggested taking a
break.”

Chinchilla was on her back
now, Ben rubbing her belly absentmindedly. He suggested a scheme to
get rid of Ryan, one about shipping him off to some tropical gay
resort to find someone new. The idea was completely unrealistic and
just crazy enough to make Tim smile. Ben still held that power,
even now. Tim was miserable and felt embarrassed at the state of
his affairs, but Ben could make him smile.

Their joking around was
interrupted by the sound of smashing glass. What the hell was Ryan
doing, trashing the place? Disturbingly, this was within the realm
of possibility.

Ben sighed and stood up.
“All right. Time for me to make everything better. Come
on.”

As they entered through the
back door, Tim saw the chaos around him through Ben’s eyes and
realized just how screwed up his life had become. The house was
full of guys, many of them probably still in high school, all of
them intoxicated. Ryan’s circle of friends had spread beyond
Marcello’s escorts and models. Many of the faces were familiar, but
only from previous parties like this one that seemed to get worse
every time. A group of teenagers stood next to a broken window, a
potted plant on the other side.

Tim picked up Chinchilla,
worried about her stepping on shards, and shut her in the laundry
room. At least there she would be safe. Often Tim would take
Chinchilla and retreat upstairs to his bedroom until it all blew
over, but tonight he had a feeling things were going to become much
worse before they ended.

The heart of the party
thudded and beat in the living room. Ben marched in like he owned
the place, walking over to the stereo and yanking the cord from the
wall. At the sudden silence, every head in the room turned toward
them, Ryan’s included, and Tim felt scared. Not for himself, but
for Ben. As emotionally strong as Ben was, Ryan was bat-shit crazy
and already moving toward them.

“
What the hell is he doing
here?” Ryan spat, clearly high on something.

“
I’m here with my
boyfriend,” Ben said.

Boyfriend?
Tim was even more surprised when Ben took his
hand. Okay, so maybe Ben was a little crazy too.