Something Like Winter (51 page)

“
My jaw still twinges when
the weather gets cold.”

Their laughter brought
relief as they slowly relaxed. “Thanks for letting me be around
Ben.” Tim said. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Jace shrugged. “It’s not my
choice to make. He’s his own person.”

“
Well I appreciate you
being cool about it anyway. It’s nice having him in my life again.
I really hope he and I can be friends.”

“
And if not?”

“
Then I’ll bow out,” Tim
said. “There’s no way I can take him from you without breaking his
heart in the process.”

Jace nodded in
appreciation. “Ben told me about Ryan. Sounds like a rough time,
but don’t give up. I had to go through a lot of Mr. Wrongs before I
finally met Ben.”

“
Yeah, but imagine if you
had met him first.”

“
And then messed it all
up,” Jace said without any malice. “I’ve thought about that, which
is why I try not to blame you. There was someone else in my life,
once. Someone I loved almost as much as I love Ben. There’s no
chance of getting him back, but had Ben not come along and I had
one more shot, I would have taken it.”

“
Yeah?”

“
Definitely. If our roles
were reversed, I also would have done something to win back that
love. Although I’d like to think I would have done it with charm
instead of trickery.”

“
Hey, I’d be more than
willing to try it your way if you want to give me some
pointers.”

Jace smiled. “Not a
chance.”

After a little more banter
they returned to the party. Jace really was nice, except when life
demanded otherwise. Tim wasn’t into self-depreciation, but maybe,
just maybe, Jace was the better man. The thought wasn’t too
depressing, because it meant Ben was going to have the best life
possible.

Tim was sitting
cross-legged at the edge of the pool, breaking apart a bratwurst
and feeding the pieces to Chinchilla, when Ben came over and sat
next to him. “What did you guys talk about? Jace won’t tell
me.”

“
You, of course,” Tim said.
“Your morning breath, your terrible cooking—the usual.”

“
I see I’ll have to keep
you two separate,” Ben said in mock exasperation.

“
So catch me up on your
story,” Tim said. “Last time all I did was whine about my problems.
How’s life after college for Benjamin Bentley?”

“
Good.” Ben slipped off his
sandals and dipped his feet in the pool. “I got a job as a speech
therapist, which is nice. Makes me feel useful.”

“
So the dinner theater
thing is just a hobby?”

Ben shook his head. “More
like a second job. They’re both only part-time, but I like the
variety. What about you?”

“
You’re looking at it. I’m
a housewife without a husband.”

Ben snorted. “Seriously.
You once said something about celebrities working out of boredom,
even after they get rich.”

“
Words of wisdom,” Tim said
with irony. “I
was
bored. Then I met Ryan and everything went crazy. Frankly, I’m
looking forward to being bored again. Afterwards, I don’t know. But
I want to hear about your life. What else has happened?”

Ben took a deep breath. “I
got married.”

“
Oh.” Tim paused. “Does
Jace know?”

Ben shoved him playfully.
“That’s who I married.”

“
Ah, I see!” Tim grinned
even though his insides felt crushed. Better man or not, he
couldn’t help feeling jealous. “Is that legal in Texas?”

“
Nothing fun is. According
to the law, we’re still second-class citizens, but they can’t stop
us from making the commitment. Marriage isn’t a piece of paper,
right?”

“
True. Did I tell you I’m
marrying Chinchilla?”

“
Really?” Ben said with
faux interest.

“
Yeah. We haven’t picked
out rings, but I thought I’d give her a pair of my shoes to chew
up. Then I would wear them around town as a sign of my commitment
to her.”

Ben looked impressed.
“Sounds romantic.”

“
I thought so.” Tim nudged
shoulders with him. “Are we going to make this work?”

“
You and me?” Ben nudged
him back. “Yeah. We’ll make it work. Somehow.”

* * * * *

“
Your eyes light up when
you look at him.”

Marcello was at Tim’s
right, startling him. For a big guy, he sure could move with
stealth. Of course the orchestra music helped disguise his arrival,
as did the sounds of the dancers in the ballroom. Another Eric
Conroy Foundation fundraiser. Each served as a reminder of how long
he had been gone, the years adding up quicker than Tim cared to
contemplate. This year he invited Ben and Jace, and as they danced
together in their rented tuxedos, Tim couldn’t pull his eyes away.
They were—

“
Beautiful,” Marcello said,
having seen them as well. “No waging a war of the heart this
time?”

“
Me?” Tim grimaced. “I
don’t think I could wedge myself between them even if I wanted
to.”

Marcello patted him on the
back. “You could have anyone you want. Maybe Ryan wore you a bit
thin, but the last few weeks have marked the return of that
handsome face that sells so many photos. I’m still making money off
that weekend of modeling you gave me.”

Tim was flattered, but he
wasn’t quite there yet. He had started jogging again, but the
pounds went on a lot easier than they came off. Staying away from
beer helped, although tonight he allowed himself to sip from a
glass of champagne to celebrate: His second round of HIV tests had
come back negative. Any mistakes he’d made with Ryan wouldn’t be
permanent.

“
No,” Tim responded at
last. “This time I’ll let them be. I’d say they were made for each
other, but it’s more like Ben was made for me, and Jace was made
for him. Does that make sense?”

“
Few things in love do.
Regardless, it’s nice to see such a happy couple here
tonight.”

“
Yeah. Don’t let them give
any money to the foundation,” Tim said. “I mean, a token amount is
okay, but I know they struggle.”

Marcello nodded. “It’s
hardly needed. Some very generous donations have already been made
this year. Enough that we’ll be left with an excess, which is never
ideal for a charity. No doubt there are artists who could use the
money, but sorting through grant applications is time-consuming, as
is conducting the interviews.”

“
Really? Sounds kind of
fun, actually.”

“
I have enough on my
plate,” Marcello said dismissively.

Tim’s plate was still
empty, except for hanging out with Ben and Jace occasionally. He
was beginning to wonder if he was living vicariously through
them.

“
Besides,” Marcello
continued, “you have no idea how desperate the applicants are to
have anyone look at their art. I keep telling them to take a photo
and put it online.”

Tim shook his head. “It’s
never the same. Even the best photographer can’t capture the full
spirit of a painting. Have you thought of doing more than just
giving grants? What if you rented a gallery space for new artists
to exhibit at?”

“
The idea is nice, but
again, finding time is an issue.”

“
Not for—” Tim glanced at
Marcello accusingly. “You’re totally playing me, aren’t
you?”

The hint of a smile
betrayed him. “Not at all,” Marcello said. “But if you should
happen to know someone who is willing to work long hours for free,
then be sure to send him my way.”

Tim stared at him. “I’ll
think about it.”

“
Good.” Marcello offered
his arm and nodded toward the dance floor. “Now how about we give
Ben and Jace a run for their money?”

* * * * *

Hobbits fought a giant
spider while elsewhere, elves and dwarves battled evil orcs. All of
it was lost on Tim. He could only focus on the nearness of the body
next to him, the warmth underneath the quilt that was just inches
away. Forget magical golden rings. If there was one burden in the
world impossible to bear, it was love.

Jace and Ben had invited
him over for dinner. Of course Jace could cook. The meal was well
prepared, the conversation pleasant and followed by the third and
final
Lord of the Rings
movie on DVD. The extended edition of
Return of the King
was
apparently twelve million hours long, or so it felt. And Tim was
grateful, especially when Ben stretched out on the couch, resting
his head on Jace’s lap, and his feet— At first the bottom of those
were flat against Tim’s outer thigh. After focusing on this contact
for the longest time, remaining completely motionless, Tim moved
his hand beneath the quilt, taking hold of one of Ben’s feet like
they were holding hands.

Silly as it was, it meant
everything to him that Ben didn’t pull away. Instead he wriggled
his toes in response, sighing contently. Is this what Ben wanted,
both his ex-boyfriend and his husband at once? Tim had never
entertained the idea, but right now he would agree to anything
because things were getting bad. Terribly bad. He and Ben found a
lot of excuses like this, little ways of touching each
other—goodbye hugs that went on a little too long, or playful
shoves where hands brushed down the other’s body instead of
pushing. They even snuck lunch together once without
Jace.

No matter what they
promised and how much they swore, they were slowly giving in to the
gravitation between them. Tim had no doubt that Ben loved Jace, but
Eric was right. Love wasn’t exclusive, nor did it expire, and if
one of them didn’t act soon, there would be no turning
back.

Except Tim didn’t want it
to end. This time together had been nice, even if Ben wasn’t his.
In a way, being friends meant getting to know him outside the
pressure of a relationship. They had fun. Too much fun,
maybe.

As for the movie, the damn
ring finally ended up in the volcano, but even then Frodo was left
haunted. There was no escaping this curse.

“
I’ll get the dishes done,”
Jace said as the credits rolled.

Ben sat up, pulling his
foot away. “I’ll help.”

“
Me three!” Tim
offered.

“
No, just relax,” Ben said.
“We’ll have them done lickity split.”

“
I’m buying you guys a
dishwasher for Christmas,” Tim said. “It’s like Amish-land here.
Who does dishes by hand?”

“
Us po’ folks,” Jace said,
leading his husband away.

Once they were out of
sight, Tim groaned and fell over on his side. He stretched out on
the couch and pulled the quilt up to his neck. All he could think
was how nice doing dishes with Ben would be, both of them wearing
brightly colored rubber gloves. Jace and Ben weren’t poor. They
were richer than he would ever be.

Lickity split must have
meant something different to them, because Tim was nearly nodding
off by the time he heard footsteps padding across the carpet. He
kept his eyes closed. Maybe Ben would wake him with a kiss. Whoever
was in the room with him didn’t seem to be doing anything. Were
they just standing there watching him?

“
Is he asleep?” Jace’s
voice said from farther away.

“
Yeah.” Ben’s whisper came
from just in front of the couch. “Let’s let him crash
here.”

“
Okay. Are you coming to
bed?”

“
I’ll be there in a second.
I just want to lock up.”

There was an awkward pause,
then Jace said, “Come kiss me goodnight.”

Tim listened, the subtle
sounds excruciating.

“
Is something wrong?” Ben
asked.

“
It’s just—” Jace sighed.
“Your eyes light up when he’s around. The same way they do when you
look at me.”

“
I love you,” Ben said,
almost with desperation.

Jace’s response was gentle.
“I know. Come to bed soon. Okay?”

Tim listened as the living
room lamps clicked off, one by one. He felt the quilt pulled tight,
Ben tucking it in around him. Tim wanted to open his eyes, to pull
Ben down on the couch with him, but he didn’t dare move. Then Ben
caressed his hair, just a single gentle stroke as innocent as a
mother’s touch. But of course it wasn’t.

Tim listened to Ben’s sigh,
his footsteps in the hallway as the wood beneath the carpet
creaked, the bedroom door as it clicked shut. Then Tim got up and
snuck out the front door.

* * * * *

Insects hummed, thriving in
the humid night. Tim sat on the front steps, rolling a bottle of
beer between his palms while Chinchilla slept on her side, enjoying
the cool concrete. They could have been out back, next to the
soothing waters of the pool, but Tim was waiting. Maybe it wouldn’t
happen tonight, but the storm was coming. The only question was
whether or not it would rain.

Sure enough, Ben’s car
pulled up half an hour later.

“
You’re either here to do
something that you really shouldn’t,” Tim said, “or you came to say
goodbye.”