Something Like Winter (57 page)

“
Yes!” Nana answered for
him. “Oh, this is good. I better start dinner soon.”

“
We’re going out,” Tim
said, forcing a smile. “I want Ben to see more than just your
dining room.”

“
Yes, yes,” Nana said. She
waggled her eyebrows. “Go out and be romantic. You want my
car?”

“
No, thanks. I think we
need to walk this one off. Ready?”

He and Ben lumbered to
their feet like pregnant women. A little exercise and fresh air
were the only cure. If they took a nap now they’d probably end up
in a coma. Besides, Mexico City had plenty of potential. A stroll
through the streets, a kiss or two by a roaring fountain, and he
and Ben would finally have their fresh start.

Chapter
Thirty-six

Back on the streets of
Xochimilco, where the narrow alleys felt like hallways, Tim waited
patiently for Ben to share his opinion of the woman he loved so
much.

“
She’s cool,” Ben
said.

“
Yeah.” Tim nodded
thoughtfully. “Cooler than I thought she would be. I figured she’d
be uncomfortable. She was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to
come out.”

“
I worried about that too,”
Ben said. “Every kid is used to their parents being angry, and
disappointing them is part of growing up, but grandmas are sacred.
When they’re unhappy, it feels horrible.”

“
Exactly. I thought she
would be broken hearted. But she seems okay.”

“
Better than okay.” Ben
laughed. “She’s awesome. I’m glad we’re staying there.”

Tim thought again of the
luxurious hotel room, but didn’t say anything. He’d cancel the
reservation later, but for now, he was determined not to become
discouraged. “What do you want to see first? The National Palace?
Some ancient pyramids? The Metropolitan Cathedral?”

“
What about that volcano
you used to talk about. Popo-oh-no, or something.”

Tim grinned.
“
Popocatépetl.
That’s more of a day trip.”

“
Oh. How about we ride
those boats?”

“
We can do that tonight. I
don’t want to sit down anymore, do you?”

“
I guess not.” Ben glanced
around. “I don’t know. It’s all so new that anything will be
interesting. You decide.”

“
Okay, then. It’s straight
into the heart of the city for us.”

They took a train to
the
Plaza de la Constitucion,
a huge empty plaza in the middle of Mexico City.
The world’s largest public square was impressive for its size
alone, but something about all the concrete felt too militant. Tim
considered the plaza an ideal starting place and nothing more. They
wandered the city, soaking up the sights and sounds. Tim kept
pulling Ben down small side streets to show him buildings that went
from impressive to patchwork and weird.

“
When I was a kid, this
city felt like a wonderland to me,” Tim said. “Have you noticed how
nothing really fits a scheme?”

“
Yeah.” Ben glanced around.
“No more cookie-cutter suburbs and strip malls.”

“
Exactly. It’s like
architects here just wake up every morning and say, ‘Well, what the
hell should we try today?’”

“
Some of these buildings
look a little homemade,” Ben said carefully.

Tim laughed. “Some of them
probably are, but that’s what makes them unique. The possibilities
are endless. Wait until you see the more modern buildings
here.”

“
That’s right. You studied
architecture, didn’t you?”

“
Yeah, and man was that a
buzz-kill. The practical aspects weren’t nearly as cool as my
dreams. Maybe if I had lived down here I would have stayed
interested, but in the U.S., I felt like I was learning how to
build a bigger and better Walmart.”

“
But think of all the
people who need to buy cheap underwear and cheese in one convenient
trip,” Ben teased.

Tim shrugged. “They’ll have
to go commando and starve. I like painting better since I don’t
have to limit my imagination. Or worry about a roof falling in on
people.”

“
Painting suits you better,
anyway,” Ben said, taking his hand.

“
Yeah?”

“
I think so. You look like
a jock but have the soul of an artist. What more could a guy
want?”

“
A gorgeous singing
voice?”

Ben grinned at this
flattery.

“
A brave heart?”

Now Ben’s smile faltered.
“I’m not so brave.”

“
That’s not what I
remember. The things you talked a teenage closet case into doing!
Need I remind you?”

Ben turned a little red.
“No need. I have a very good memory.”

Tim looked him over. “You
know, we
could
still check into that hotel room, just for a little
while.”

Ben looked uncomfortable,
letting go of Tim’s hand to scratch his nose and not offering it
again. He headed toward one of the major streets. “Let’s do some
shopping. I think all this walking down back alleys is giving you
the wrong idea about me.”

Ben’s tones were jovial,
but he wasn’t looking at Tim anymore. “Sounded like the right idea
to me,” Tim joked, stepping in at his side, but Ben didn’t
laugh.

Talk about mixed signals!
What was going on? They were somewhere new, their pasts far behind
them, and it sure as hell seemed like Ben was interested. But every
time Tim tried to get intimate, it seemed to cause Ben pain. Was it
Jace? Had his ghost followed them all the way down here?

“
Ben?” Tim reached out and
took his hand. “Hold up a minute.”

Ben turned, his expression
stopping Tim dead in his tracks. He could read Ben, knew his body
language fluently, but Tim had never seen this before. The message
Ben’s face conveyed was crystal clear:
Not
now. We’re not going to talk about this now.

Tim never expected that.
Not from Ben, of all people. The bravest, boldest spirit he’d known
in his life was avoiding a subject and asking Tim to do the
same.

“
Talk to me,” Tim
tried.

Ben’s eyes softened. “Let’s
just do some shopping, okay?” He squeezed Tim’s hand. “That’s what
I need.”

“
Okay,” Tim said, feeling
anything but certain.

They hit some stores but
didn’t buy anything since Ben only seemed interested in browsing.
Ben didn’t act moody during this. He still made casual
conversation, Tim glad to join him, but the topics remained
superficial. They even held hands, but this felt more like a
consolation prize than anything. When their feet grew tired, they
rested at a café and drank fruity
aguas
frescas
as the sun went down. As much as
Tim enjoyed watching people and taking in the sights and sounds, he
found himself wanting to be alone with Ben. Maybe in privacy the
truth would come out.

They caught a train back to
Xochimilco, stopping in to check on Nana before heading for the
canal boats. She loaded them up with leftovers, which Tim
gratefully accepted. Bringing food and drinks on the
trajineras
boats was the
norm for the natives, while tourists relied on enterprising
individuals who would tie their smaller boats to the
trajineras
to hock their
wares.

Most tourists left
Xochimilco before nightfall, but some stuck around to party.
Luckily, the atmosphere was fairly calm tonight. They approached
one of the boat owners, whose dark eyes sparkled when Tim spoke the
native tongue. Tim offered the man a much higher price than the
norm. He wanted the boat for him and Ben alone. The driver accepted
after haggling, Ben blissfully ignorant to the entire
exchange.

“
This is lovely,” Ben said,
taking a seat at the long bench that filled the deck.

A couple of sputtering gas
lamps provided atmosphere as the boat coasted into the canal, the
world around them dark. Only lights from the neighborhood could be
seen in the night. As they drifted down the waterway, leaving the
homes behind, the stars above were matched by lamps from other
boats on the canal. Over the gentle sound of the punt pushing
through water, they could hear voices laughing.

Tim didn’t pay much
attention to the surroundings. His eyes kept returning to Ben, face
lit by flame, the shadows just enough to create the illusion that
no time had gone by. Ben caught him looking and smiled before he
stood and walked to the boat’s bow.

Tim followed, coming up
behind him and placing his hands on Ben’s ribs. “Time for a Titanic
moment? I’ll lift you up and you sing. Ready, Celine
Dion?”

Ben laughed, reaching down
for Tim’s hands and pulling his arms around him. “This was the
right thing to do. This is what we needed.”

“
Is it?” Tim said, feeling
more puzzled than ever.

Ben sighed. “I’m sorry
about earlier.” He turned around to face him, their hips close
together, but Ben placed a hand on Tim’s chest until he took a step
back. “And I’m sorry if I keep leading you on.”

“
Please talk to me,” Tim
said. “If this is punishment for all those times I kept you
guessing…”

“
I don’t play games,” Ben
said, shaking his head. “At least I don’t mean to. Sometimes I feel
like I can do this, that we can start over, but then I remember
and—” Ben lowered his eyes. “I’ve been through a lot.”

Tim’s stomach sank. Of
course. “Jace,” he said.

Ben nodded. “There’s so
much you don’t know.”

“
Then tell me!” Tim said in
desperation. “Please!”

Ben took a deep breath and
nodded. “I don’t know how much Allison told you, but Jace suffered
from aneurysms. He had a close call once, and that was terrifying
enough. When it happened a second time—” Ben’s lip trembled. “We
were together. At home. Jace wanted me to hold him, which was weird
because he was usually the one to hold me. He knew he wouldn’t make
it, or he’d given up—I don’t know, but we were in bed and I did
what he said, even though it hurt like hell.” Ben wiped at his
eyes. “That’s what he wanted, and I know it sounds stupid, but I
thought if I held on to him tight enough, that it might make a
difference—that I wouldn’t lose him. I was still holding Jace when
he died.”

“
That must have been hell
for you,” Tim said, clenching his jaw. “And here I am, stupid
enough to think that I could just saunter back into your life and
make everything perfect again. I’m sorry. Of course you can’t love
anyone else.”

“
No!” Ben took a step
forward, shaking his head. “You don’t understand! I
do
love you! I love you
so much that I can barely keep it in! All I want to do is touch
you, kiss you—anything to bring us as close together as humanly
possible. But then I remember how painful it was to lose Jace.” Ben
grabbed Tim’s hand, eyes wild. “I know you think I’m brave, but
losing Jace almost broke me. I can’t go through that again. The
thought of watching you die one day, the idea alone is enough to
break my heart.”

Tim pulled Ben close,
kissed his forehead before resting his cheek against his head.
There was no solution to this problem, no way to guarantee Ben that
he wouldn’t get hurt again. Tim knew the pain that love brought.
The two were inseparable, but both love and pain had taught him one
thing. He kissed Ben’s hair, let go of him, and took a step
back.

“
Jace was worth
it.”

Ben looked surprised.
“What?”

“
I’m not even going to ask
because there’s no question. Jace was worth going through all that
pain, and you were worth the hell we went through as teenagers.”
Tim looked Ben straight in the eye. “I can’t honestly say that I’m
worth it, but I’ll try my best, and I promise you that you won’t
have to see me die. No matter what happens in the future, I won’t
be the first one to go.”

Ben blinked, and when his
smile came, it brought along a sigh. “Of all the lies you’ve told
me over the years, that one is the most beautiful.”

Tim shook his head. “It’s
not a lie. No matter how hard I have to cling to life, no matter
how many life support units and doctors it takes, I won’t die
first. My love for you is strong enough to keep me going. And when
your time finally comes, I won’t survive the loss and will be right
behind you.”

“
You can’t promise that,”
Ben said, but his eyes were shining.

“
There’s only one way to
prove me wrong,” Tim replied.

They passed a boat
overloaded with drunk passengers, one of whom shouted
“Whooooooooo!” before they heard a loud splash. Okay, so maybe he
could understand why Nana got sick of the boats, but soon the party
had gone its way, leaving them in the evening’s
tranquility.

Tim put an arm around Ben’s
shoulder as they faced the water together. “So you love me,
huh?”

“
Love doesn’t even begin to
describe it.” Ben exhaled. “And you’re right. Jace was worth it.
And so are you. Just keep that promise, okay?”