Sometimes Moments (45 page)

Dear Callum Reid,

You don’t know who I am, but I like to think you had an idea of me. My name’s Cooper Hepburn, the husband to Peyton Hepburn and father to our child, Callum Stuart Hepburn. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but when Peyton got pregnant, my focus was on her and getting ready to welcome our son into our lives.

I feel like I know you. I’ve heard enough stories to know I would have liked you… Actually, that’s probably a lie. I would have respected you, but I think if I had met you, I would have hated you. At the time, you had my wife’s heart. And that would have killed me. You still have a place in her heart, and that’s something I would never want to have. Her love for you will be something I can never try to claim.

I want to say that we’ve had the easiest of loves, but I would be lying. We’ve had an adventure, and adventures come with a lot of complications and a lot of successes. Peyton claims that I’m perfect, but I’m far from it. I try my best to be for her. But I want to tell you the two worst days of my life. They were the times I thought I had lost her. I will never forget those days.

The first day was when we were dating. I didn’t know of you very well then. I was still trying my best to get her to trust me. It was the day after we’d first been intimate. She had cried, and I hated myself for making the woman I love cry. I didn’t understand why she had cried. I didn’t know. Peyton made me leave and she didn’t talk to me for almost a week. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stormed to her house and demanded to know what I had done. She wouldn’t answer me, and that’s when I yelled at her. It was the first and last time I ever yelled at her. From the top of my lungs, I screamed, “You’d rather me dead and Callum alive, don’t you? You hate that I’m alive and he’s dead! You hate that you slept with me. You wish it were him and not me! Well guess what, Peyton? He’s dead! And right now, the way you look at me, I’d rather I were the dead one. Maybe you’d love me more.”

I’m not proud of those words. I’ll always regret saying them. Peyton didn’t speak to me for three weeks. I deserved it. I had accused her of not loving me because I wasn’t dead. I was scared to lose her, but I had said everything that ensured that I would. I was jealous of you. I have never been jealous of anyone until I was of you, Callum. I wanted Peyton to love me. I wanted Peyton’s heart. I believed there wasn’t room for her to love me after you. I had planned to work the last few months off my contract and return to the suburbs. But I needed to leave quickly. I wasn’t needed in town anymore. It was the night before I was going to leave when Peyton was at my door, crying. She apologised, saying that she was being selfish and that she should have told me. Graham had told her of my plans of leaving. She begged me not to go. She begged me to listen to her. When I agreed, she said only three words, and they were ‘I love you.’

I have no explanation for how I felt when I heard those three words. But I think you know what it’s like to be loved by Peyton Spencer. When I confessed that I loved her, too, she cried and kissed me. That night, she told me everything about you. She told me that she’d cried because she’d realised she felt guilty for loving me more than she loved you. That, in some way, she felt like she was cheating on you by loving me. I had never felt like more of an asshole than those weeks of my life. I almost lost Peyton and I didn’t want that to have ever happen again.

The second worst day of my life was when our son was born. It’s a terrible thing for a father to say, but just listen. You’ll understand. Peyton went into labour and we rushed to the hospital. Everything went to plan until after my son screamed and Peyton’s hand fell from mine. Our son was too big to be born naturally and a Caesarean was performed. Peyton didn’t even see him before her eyes shut. She was haemorrhaging and losing a lot of blood. The helpless feeling of knowing my wife was about to die was surreal. I had never felt so lost in my life. In that moment, I was blessed with a beautiful son, but I was close to losing the love of my life.

I also knew what it must have been like in the last moments of your life. I felt like I was you, Callum. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I didn’t want to believe what was happening. I thought of my life without Peyton and it was impossible. I was scared. The jealously I held for you disappeared and every self-doubt I had left me. The only thing that mattered in my life was ensuring my son grew up with his mother by his side. Peyton doesn’t know why I named my son after you. Why? Because while the doctor was trying to save her, she called out your name and reached out in the direction the nurse had taken our son. I wasn’t envious or jealous that she hadn’t called out for me. Peyton had named our son and I was proud.

I’d never thought the feeling of being Peyton’s husband could be surpassed. I was wrong. Being the father of her child did it. The relief of knowing we were going to raise our son together comes close. I prayed to God to save her, but I also prayed to you, hoping you’d influence Fate.

Peyton showed me your last letter to her. You spoke of her experiencing life’s firsts after you, Callum. Those life’s firsts she shared with me. And they have been the best moments of my life. (I also fell in love with her mother’s French toast the moment Peyton introduced me to them!)

Everything you wanted her to achieve, she has. She became someone’s fiancée, someone’s wife, and the mother of someone’s child.

For whatever reason, I was blessed to be that someone.

And for that, I thank you. You played your part in our forever. You brought Graham and Madilynne together. If they had never married, I would have never taken over the farm, never met Peyton, never fallen in love with Peyton, never asked her to marry me, never married her, and never held and loved our son.

She tells me that I am her forever moments and that you were her sometimes. But I think that’s where she’s wrong. In some stages of her life, Peyton never had sometimes. In those moments, she lived and she had forever.

I hope that the man you wrote of was me. I hope I do justice to the man you envisioned for Peyton. I hope you can see that I’ve done my best to be enough for her. I hope that you approve of my love. If not, I’ll love her harder than I already do, although I’m not sure that’s possible.

Thank you for loving Peyton the way you did. I know that she will always love you and I hope one day she tells our son of you.

Thank you for Peyton. Until the day I die, I will never stop thanking you, Callum Reid.

My happiness, my wife, and my son are because of you.

Cooper Hepburn.

Remember me and smile, for its better to forget than to remember me and cry.

Dr Seuss

Sometimes Moments has been a very special book for me. Being my first standalone, it allowed me to write freely. I loved the concept of this book and what ‘sometimes moments’ meant. I’m not going to lie, I was worried and scared. And there were times where I didn’t want to publish it at all. The ending was something I had never written before. But when I sat in class back in my final year of university in 2014, this story began and I knew how it ended from the moment I wanted to write it. I wanted Sometimes Moments to not be about a ‘sad’ story. I wanted it to be about a beautiful story. The story of Peyton. The story of Callum. The story of them. I wanted it to show people the beauty of hope and of there being
more
. The beauty that ‘The End’ wasn’t something to cause pain. There is always a forever—even if it wasn’t the ideal or wanted forever. Because well, life is a cluster of sometimes moments.

If anything, I hope this story showed you the beauty of the little moments in your life. Appreciate them. Love them. They’ll be the times you reflect on later in life. They will be the times that make you smile or laugh or maybe even cry. They will be the times in your life that you look back on and
feel
.

Live life one sometimes moment at a time.

Until you have two.

Then three.

Then four.

And then you have a cluster.

That’s when you’re making forever moments.

Sometimes moments are what make your forever memorable and beautiful.

Writing this book was tough but it was also something I loved writing. When I sat and thought about who to thank, I wasn’t sure who to
truly
thank. In all my books I thank a wide range of people. But for this book, I will thank the ones that made Sometimes Moments what it is.

First and foremost, Jaycee Ford and Alex Rosa. The very first to read Sometimes Moments. They happen to be the people who this book is dedicated to. My best friends. I wouldn’t be the author that I am without you both. I love you both so greatly. Two of the greatest and most important people in my life.

My cover designer, Najla Qamber. You took so many different pictures and made me the most beautiful and perfect cover. Everything I envisioned you made it all the more breathtaking. Thank you for your hard work and the for the love you put into making my covers.

My editor, Michelle Kampmeier. You took this crazy draft and made it beautiful. You added a lot more soul into it than I could. Thank you for not laughing at all my silly mistakes and for the changes. You made this book flow beautifully. And thank you for your friendship and for agreeing to edit Sometimes Moments.

My proofreader, Jenny Carlsrud Sim. You have been vital in publishing this book. You took proofreading to beyond what it is. You gave it love and attention. Thank you for squeezing Sometimes Moments in. Thank you for your changes and suggestions. Thank you for your updates and your enthusiasm and love. Thank you for pointing out teasers and for making this book
perfect
. I have loved every minute we have worked together.