Somewhere Between Water and Sky (Shattered Things #2) (43 page)

“
In the best way,
”
Jessa adds.
“
Just think about it, Steph. You definitely don
’
t have to make any decisions right now.
”

Jessa reaches her hand up to grab Ren
’
s.

“
Stephanie, it
’
s obvious to everyone you meet that you are, in my dad
’
s words,
a highly functioning human with a whole lot of human shit for a past.
It
’
s what makes you so strong. But it
’
s gotta crack somewhere.
”
In a quieter voice she adds,
“
remember? You can
’
t run forever.
”

I nod.

“
Storm-wood
”
I answer back.

“
Storm-wood.
”
Jessa responds, smiling.

I know nothing about counseling, really. Only what I
’
ve heard from Jessa and other friends back home. All I know is that you talk about yourself with some older and wiser person who takes notes and nods and
mmmms
, while you go through all of the shit you
’
ve been dealt in your life. And apparently you cry. A lot.

Sounds like a party.

I sigh.

“
I
’
ll think about it. Promise.
”

“
Excellent.
”
Ren fist pumps and I throw a pillow at him. Jessa ducks to avoid getting hit by the shrapnel of cloth and then yelps in pain from the movement.

“
Sorry, Jessa!
”
I throw out, purposefully ignoring Ren
’
s groans in the background.

“
Hey!
”
He gives me the stink eye from behind the edge of the pillow and then hugs it close to his chest, pouting.
“
I don
’
t get a sorry? That could have taken my eye out!
”

I grimace.
“
Really? You
’
re complaining about a pillow?
”

“
First thing on the agenda for you in free-counseling? Anger. You have entirely too much anger in that body of yours.
”

“
I find it sexy.
”
Kevin
’
s voice, scratchy from sleep, causes us all to pause mid-motion.

I widen my eyes in surprise and turn my head to where it
’
s resting on his shoulder. I didn
’
t even notice him shifting in and out of sleep.

“
When did you wake up?
”

“
Right in time to see you throw the pillow.
”
He fumbles for the switch for more medicine and glances at Ren.
“
You
’
re lucky she wasn
’
t standing next to you.
”
He winks at me.
“
She throws a mean punch.
”

Ren laughs.
“
I don
’
t doubt it.
”

I slide against the railings of the bed and turn toward Kevin.

“
I just remembered a question I meant to ask you earlier.
”

Kevin
’
s eyes shift toward Ren and Jessa and then back at me.

“
Yeah?
”

“
Where
’
s your mom and dad? I saw them earlier in the lobby.
”

Kevin weaves his hands through his hair and sighs, holding tight the strands of on top. I can tell he hasn
’
t washed it in a while. When he lets his hands fall into his lap the hair he just pulled sticks up straight against the rest of his hair.

“
Um. They left after my surgery.
”

I tilt my head in confusion.
“
Wait
—
to go back home?
”

He nods slowly.

“
They uh
…
they just needed to know I was alive. And since I was, my mom didn
’
t want to hang around and give me the impression that she approved of any of my choices lately.
”
He catches my eyes.

“
My dad just followed her home, as he always does.
”

“
Just like that? They left? But didn
’
t they just get here?
”
I look at him confused.

“
We may have had a fight. I can
’
t remember it all because of these damn-beautiful drugs, but I remember my mom yelling and me just telling her to leave.
”
He pushes himself up gingerly with one hand and winces.
“
She didn
’
t argue.
”

I balance on my knees and help him position himself with the pillows surrounding him and fall back against the railing. I look down at the sheet, toying with the threads sticking out.

“
So what about you? Are you
’
re going to stay here? In LA?
”

With me?
I add silently.

At first, he doesn
’
t respond and I start to freak a little.

“
Shit,
”
he mutters. His face darkens and he rubs the front of his cheeks. He holds his hands there for a moment and whispers so only I can here him.

“
I
’
m really hurting. I think
—
I think this bandage may need changed, too.
”

I snap into action, the question forgotten.

“
Right. Let me go get a nurse.
”

He drops one hand and hits the ON CALL button and throws me a half-smile.

“
I can do that
—
I just wanted to let you know I already pressed the morphine button and it
’
ll put me to sleep in approximately five minutes.
”
He shudders.
“
And I promise you don
’
t want to see them change out this bandage.
”
He looks down at the gauze wrapped around his shoulder and torso and I briefly lean over to touch it, his eyes on me the entire time. Before I can even react, he learns forward enough to kiss me on the side of my temple and I close my eyes, opening them to his dopey-eyed smile.

“
See you soon?
”
He asks, slipping a piece of paper in my hand.

I look down at the folded white edges.
“
What
’
s this?
”
I ask.

“
Read it later,
”
he whispers, wincing at the pain.

I slip it into the side pocket of my purse and then squeeze his arm.

“
I
’
ll see you soon.
”

Sliding off the bed I grab my purse and motion for Ren and Jessa to start heading out into the hallway. I clasp my hands in front of me awkwardly.

He crinkles his eyes, the only response I need, and I turn to leave.

“
Hey Steph.
”
His voice is so quiet now I can barely hear him. When I turn around his face is white and I know he
’
s in pain. I try to avoid staring at the red mark slowly growing on his bandage.

“
Yeah?
”

Nurses and doctors start pouring into the room then, each intent on separate jobs. One nurse looks at me out of the corner of her eye and shakes her head, pointing to the door.

“
This isn
’
t visiting hour, honey. Why are you here?
”

I look at her apologetically and glance through the crack in the door at Ren and Jessa waiting outside.

“
I
’
m sorry. I
’
m just leaving.
”

And as I turn to walk out the door, I hear his voice call out to me above the murmur of nurses and beeping monitors. What he says sears me to the bone.

“
You
’
re the only one I
’
d stay for too, Stephanie.
”

I walk out the door and meet Jessa and Ren, not even thinking about the fact that he never answered my question about whether or not he would stay. There
’
s no way for me to know I won
’
t be able to say goodbye. When we come back to his room later that day, his bed is made and there
’
s a solitary note left behind.

“
I
’
m sorry
”
it says, in his hurried scrawl.

I freak at first, hollering at nurses and begging for them to put out a search party.

“
He left! He left and he
’
s still hurt
…”

One of the nurses walking in to clean the room reaches for my hands and gives me a sympathetic smile.

“
Honey he
’
s fine. He requested a transfer.
”

I sniff and look around wildly for a pen.
“
What hospital? Where did he go?
”

She twists her lips and shakes her head, glancing at her notes.

“
He asked we not share that information with the public.
”

“
With the
…
with the
…
public?
”
I
’
m hyperventilating. I can
’
t catch my breath. Jessa motions for Ren to push her toward me.

There
’
s nothing for me to do. I fall apart there in the hospital room.

Chapter Twenty-Five

The next few months are a blur as I settle into a routine of simultaneous numbness and grief.

It
’
s a lot of meetings with Max, giving statements to local authorities and federal agents. If I
’
m not at the station with Jude, I
’
m over at their apartment, hanging out with Emma and Pacey and Benjamin. It provides a bit of home in the midst of swings of grief. Emma is more of a mother to me than my own ever showed. I finally see that now
—
finally see what me leaving did to her. Our relationship is slow but instinctual.

As for Pacey? He
’
s flourishing. After the case closes, I get to attend the adoption hearing and speak on Emma and Jude
’
s behalf.

“
Are these people fit for parenting?
”
The judge asks me.

I laugh and then break into tears and then glance at the judge apologetically.

“
You have no idea how fit these two are as parents.
”
I whisper.
“
They
’
ve saved my life multiple times, and that
’
s not a metaphor.
”

At the end of the hearing, the judge pronounced Pacey a Stevens and the entire place erupted. I kept looking for Kevin, thinking he may show, but he never did.

I think I
’
ve stopped looking.

And then there
’
s the therapy.

I started the week after Kevin disappeared. My therapist
’
s name is Katie Cohl, but I affectionately call her
The Boss.
I thought she was hypnotizing me at first when we started EMDR treatments, her waving her fingers back and forth in front of my face. It never worked for me. She had to start tapping her finger on my knee, a slow rhythm of questions and silence.