Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (5 page)

KEY TERMS:
STALE PEEPS, BEING CRAZY, UNKNOWN, JUMP

Submitted on 4/13/10

Indigo

My Easter basket was always a little out of the ordinary, although I’m not quite sure what an ordinary Easter basket is. I love stale peeps, so I’d open the package and wait a couple of days to eat them. I still do this. I never really liked milk chocolate bunnies but would crush some white chocolate ones. I’ve never really been a fan of Cadbury Eggs, peanut butter anything, and jelly beans, which meant I had a lot of cheesy fake green grass in my basket. Despite these quirks of mine, I always looked forward to the Easter basket. When I moved away from home after undergrad, it was always the out of the ordinary things that I missed the most.

This past Easter, I stopped by Monkey’s place before heading over to see the family as usual. After several attempts to enter his front door, all foiled by Max’s relentless jumping (he’s a puppy that’s like three years old, do the math) I made it inside. Monkey asked me something that I hadn’t really thought about until that point:

“
Are you going to be able to do this? Ya know, Chicago and all with being crazy.”

Although some may say his approach to the subject could use some work, I wouldn’t have it any other way. He did bring up a valid point. I hadn’t thought about moving in relation to BMD until this point. I was excited to start a new chapter in my life and ready to put the past behind me. I looked at this as an opportunity to start a new life and never thought of the consequences if I went manic. I only had one response to him:

“
I don’t know. But we’re about to find out.”

I have no idea what is going to happen in the next four days, let alone in the next four months, other than knowing I’ll make a fool out of myself at multiple points. I have been having some rough times the past couple of months for reasons that are beyond my comprehension. I’ve never been known as a pessimist or ever really down for any reason for any extended period of time. I’ve tried to attack each day with a positive outlook and a sense of happiness. No matter what happens, I’m determined not to let my mood be affected by irrelevant circumstances that surround me. But BMD has started to change me a little and I don’t like it.

There seems to come times in my life when the unknown and uncertainty become the inevitable, when the right answer isn’t clear but a decision must be made. I am more than a little scared that my attempt at a new life will fail. That I’ll go manic again, or that my company will find out about my diagnosis and either terminate me or refuse to offer me a position. I’m uneasy about waking up one day and being completely lost once again with nowhere to go but to crawl back home. But I feel like everyone has points in their life in which similar questions (albeit probably not psychosis-related questions) play out, and a decision has to be made. What are you going to do?

I’m going to jump, and see what happens.

Session

JP: Chi-Town, The Windy City, Second City, Chicagoland, The Queen of the West, The Garden City. Oh, Chicago is one of my favorite cities, and coincidentally one of my favorite movies as well.

DT: Big shocker there, a musical is one of your favorites.

JP: Well, that and I also heart Catherine Zeta Jones, especially since she recently came out about being bipolar type II.

DT: I knew she had to be crazy to be with Michael Douglas. What, too soon?

KEY TERMS:
CHOCOLATE MILK, PATIENCE, ASSSESSMENTS, BEAMER

Submitted on 7/13/10

Indigo

I get my usual, three double cheeses with everything, a bag of Mumfords, and a Mountain Dew. I have been coming to this burger shop to help fight hangovers for a while now, and I suppose I’m a creature of habit. As I wait for my food, a biker and his girlfriend sit beside me, and I nod politely. I’m not sure they even notice me; I’m obviously from out of town. As my burgers are delivered, an old farmer sits beside me, and the waitress gets him his usual of burgers and chocolate milk. He must be a creature of habit as well. I sit there and finish my lunch (which I guarantee will take at least three days off my life; worth it) and take in the conversations around me. I’m just in the middle of it all.

My apologies as it’s been awhile since my last post, but another state-to-state move is really a pain in the ass. Since I have moved back from the City of Wind, I haven’t really been myself. Not that I exactly know who myself is anymore, but I guess I haven’t been what I think I should be. After episode uno, it took me six months to even begin to feel better, so I know I’m not that far off, but I’m not the same either. Not that that’s a bad thing. I’m sure a few people are glad I’m not quite myself right now. I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed, ashamed, or down about moving home, but I’m not exactly excited, energetic, or thrilled about it; right in the middle, I suppose.

It does get frustrating, almost as much as watching Shayne Graham attempt to kick clutch field goals, realizing that I’m basically right back where I started two years ago, except I’ve added another college loan to the mix. But I have to learn to accept it. There are certain things in life that are simply out of my control, and the longer I complain about them, the further I’ll get from solving them. I’ve been scrambling for the past couple of weeks, trying to find a job and not having much success. The two-year hole in my resume could have something to do with that. I suppose I’m worried that the only thing I’ll be able to do with my life is work at a store in the mall or something, not that the mall is awful, but it was never part of my career ambitions. I have zero patience when it comes to this because I feel the longer I wait, the smaller the opportunity becomes for me to get my life back on track.

I’m not 100 percent sure that the above is a completely accurate assumption, but it feels real enough for me that panic will set in from time to time. Yesterday I took a big step forward by slowing down and actually trying to set up appointments for my health. Unfortunately, my file was closed, and I’ll more than likely have to go through assessments again. I wonder where they’ll put me this time, hopefully not in rehab again because I’m not sure how you rehab from BMD. At any rate, I know I need the help, but I know how much of a process it is to get it.

I then woke up this morning after another crazy dream. At least this time I wasn’t manic: I was a pitcher for the Reds. I got up from my parents’ spare bed, took a call from BMW Financial in concerns of my lease being up and of returning my Big Body Beamer, shaved, showered, and started writing. This really doesn’t sound like a big accomplishment, but as I was showering, I recalled it took me at least four months to get to this point after episode uno. I may not be on top of the world right now, but I’m not underneath it either. I’d say I’m right in the middle, working my way up, and even though I know it’s going to be a long, tough road, it’s better than being on my way down.

Session

JP: Dealing with depression can become a full-time job that requires constant adjustments. To help combat these changes, someone with bipolar disorder can be aware not only of their moods but some other key signs of depression, like irritability, sleep problems, inability to experience happiness, and feelings of worthlessness.

DT: Yeah. I also like to try and focus on what I do have in my life and appreciate all of those things that I used to take for granted, like family and friends, in these times of depression.

KEY TERMS:
THE MALL, PUBERTY, RESOLUTION, GOOD/BAD DAYS

Submitted on 8/12/10

Indigo

As I was checking out the automated Proactiv machine at the mall, I came to a realization: I’m going through puberty again. Let me tell you, the first time around was not all that great an experience. My reasons for this realization are as follows:

1. My face is breaking out like I’m fifteen.
   

2. I haven’t had any sort of opposite sex interaction in a while.
   

3. My voice keeps breaking in and out.
   

4. My bedroom is across from my parents’.
   

5. I’ve been to the mall three times in the past week and I’m going back tonight.
   

I really wish I had some clever tie-in with these facts and my mania, but I don’t. I just feel completely weirded out by this and decided to share it. (BTW: the Proactiv Machine is incredibly weird and legit at the same time.)

This week would have been my final week at my internship in Chicago. While I’m disappointed that I wasn’t able to complete it, I don’t feel like I missed out on much--well, a few things, but nothing a quick claw game can’t fix. I think I would have been pretty good there and even could have made it in the City of Wind if my mania hadn’t gotten in the way, but that doesn’t really change anything now. I’ve made my New Year’s Resolution (so sue me cuz I’m eight months late, but I get a pass, considering I was locked up in Southside! during NYE) and that’s to look more to the future than the past.

I’ve been pretty hard on myself lately and worrying so much about what happened, rather than being optimistic about what might be coming. I know I’m going to have my good and bad days, but lately I’ve been letting my bad days run over and take over the good. It’s almost like lately, I’ve been getting down on myself for giving too much of a shit.

To combat this, I’ve decided to take the rest of the year off and focus on getting some sort of healthcare (probably should have done that earlier . . . my blunder), finding a doc (and trying not to be a dick to them) and figuring out my next move. These should be a few, fairly simple tasks to complete, as any normal person would agree, but for some reason I seem to have a lot of problems with them.

Just a final thought on my puberty experiences of late: I wanted to bring up that if any female asks for my number tonight at the mall, I will give it to you. That kind of sounds creepy (probably because it kind of is). See, my first go-around with puberty, I was at the mall (of course) and a girl asked for my number. I immediately said I didn’t have a phone (terrible lie) and it wasn’t because she wasn’t attractive. Mainly, I was so shocked by a girl noticing me that my first reaction was to lie. I still regret this, and don’t quite understand it to this day.

Session

DT: I’d definitely say this was one of my bad days.

JP: All people suffering from bipolar disorder do have their good and bad days with their ups and downs. However, if these begin to interfere with their ability to work, relate to others and function effectively, it is advisable to seek out a psychiatrist.

DT: Or if you don’t feel comfortable seeking out a psychiatrist, as I know they can be a pain in the ass at times--

JP: Not all of us!

DT: Yeah,
all
of ya can be. But seriously, calling someone you trust in your support system and just letting them know what’s going on will pay off in the long run. Trust me; I’m not a doctor.

KEY TERMS:
SHAME SPIRALS, MR. FEBRUARY, BONDI BEACH, LUCKY

Submitted on 2/11/11

Indigo

Happy Early Valentine’s Day Ladies!