Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (3 page)

TPO
: Team Positively Optimistic. That was the actual name I gave to my team at AT&Tizzle when I mentored apprentices. They loved it or at least acted like they did.

Trippy
:
Psychedelic;
accompanied by or producing distorted visual or sound effects similar to those associated with psychedelic drugs (or so I’ve been told).

U

V

V-Card
: My innocence and/or virginity some random girl took from me my senior year spring break. Yeah, I was a late bloomer in high school but at least I didn’t pay for it.

W

Witt
: Witt Bubble, Streaking the Hollow, Tiger Up, or Wittenberg University.

X

Y

Yank
: What the UGA fans in my section yelled at me (with a few expletives as well) when they found out I didn’t know there were “no jeans on game day!” because I was wearing jeans and from Ohio at a Bulldog football game.

Z

DEPRESSED

(VIOLET, INDIGO, BLUE)

ABSTRACT:

THE DEPRESSED SECTION OF THE MOOD CHART ENCOMPASSES THREE LEVELS OF INTENSITY. VIOLET REPRESENTS THE SEVERE AND MOST EXTREME LEVEL. IN THIS STATE, THERE IS SIGNIFICANT IMPAIRMENT WITH AN INABILITY TO WORK. NEXT IS INDIGO THE MODERATE LEVEL WITHIN DEPRESSION, HIGHLIGHTED BY SIGNIFICANT IMPAIRMENT BUT WITH THE ABILITY TO WORK. THE FINAL LEVEL IS BLUE, THE MILD LEVEL OF DEPRESSION, IN WHICH THE PERSON IS WITHOUT SIGNIFICANT IMPAIRMENT AND ABLE TO WORK. THIS SECTION CONSISTS OF EIGHTEEN ENTRIES, WITH BLUE CONTAINING THE MOST ENTRIES AT EIGHT.

VIOLET

(DEPRESSED SEVERE MOODS, SIGNIFICANT IMPAIRMENT,

UNABLE TO WORK)

KEY TERMS:
FFA, HOMECOMING, BIG D, ALONENESS

Submitted on 3/31/10

Violet

Growing up in South Chuck, there were a couple of things that absolutely intimidated the buh-Jesus out of me. The first was the Future Farmers of America Tractor Day at school. Now, for those of you who have not had the ultimate pleasure of participating in an FFA Tractor Day, I’ll attempt to explain this nightmare scenario. Because the FFA is a nationally chartered high school organization, they get to wear these really sharp felt-like blue and gold jackets, and they are afforded certain privileges throughout the year. One of these privileges is similar to Spirit Week for Homecoming, only I didn’t get threatened by my date’s stepdad with his watch and stepdaughter’s safe return speech and “fear tactic” like I did on Homecoming. On the final day of the week they have Tractor Friday, when they allow the students to drive tractors to school. No, really, I have the pictures to prove it.

(I told you I had pictures)

The hallways of the school were filled with cowboy hats (I never understood this because I’ve never seen a ranch in South Chuck), Wranglers (had their advantages when worn by a select few young ladies), Lacers (boots, I think), the smell of tobacco, and then me, all during FFA week leading up to the Tractor Day on Friday. Of course I was going to be driving a tractor on Friday because I was supposed to be a farmer or something, and I knew I’d get the smallest tractor. I just had that feeling; plus, I didn’t know how to drive tractors. My younger brother was driving a beast of machinery that had twelve tires and barely fit under the power lines stretching across the road. My tractor was the infant baby brother to Poncho’s. No matter how much smoke I blew out the pipe and how much I revved my Massey, it just didn’t matter. I was still intimidated by FFA Tractor Day.

I preferred riding in the semi, when we were either hauling to the elevator or coming from the fields. I enjoyed it so much because I didn’t have to do anything and could sit back and enjoy the ride. This would backfire from time to time, when I dozed off only to wake up alone. The truck had stopped, the cab was empty, and it was dead silent. That feeling of utter aloneness was a feeling I didn’t like so much.

When I was recovering from manic episode uno, I went through some deep depression that took my disdain for aloneness and amplified it. I was a few months out of the hospital when this started to happen, and it got so bad that I would pray to not wake up the next day. I saw no point to anything. I’ve been told depression usually follows manic episodes (I think of it as a counterbalance to being so high) and after my last episode in The Nasty I wanted so badly to not feel the effects of depression again. No such luck.
The feelings of aloneness, inadequacy, worthlessness, and all their cousins have showed up again, and I still don’t like them so much. Depression makes me question why all this happened, why was I given BMD and to begin to regret that it happened and feel sorry for myself. I knew the Big D was coming this time around, so I was sort of ready for these feelings, but I was no match for them in the end, really. It takes all my energy and focus to fight them off, and that unfortunately has consequences in other aspects of my life. It makes me feel as if it’s not fair, and I envy others around me whose problems I wish I had. 
But I can’t remember when I’ve encountered anything in life that was truly fair. If everything was fair and even, where would I find the drive to better myself? I’d be living in a boring, predictable world. I’d rather live in a world that makes me fight for everything, because when I finally get it, there will be nothing sweeter--well, maybe an FFA Tractor Day where I drive the beast.

Session

JP: You’ve mentioned the feeling of aloneness in your depression. Did you experience any other symptoms such as decreased energy, fatigue, lethargy, diminished activity, insomnia or hypersomnia, loss of interest in pleasurable activities or social withdrawal?

DT: Yeah, I experienced just about all of these symptoms. After my first manic episode, I was depressed for around three or four months, so I obviously experienced more symptoms then. Now I’m usually able to come out of depression within a couple of months. But those months do suck.

JP: Yes. Of the over two million people in the U.S. with bipolar disorder, nearly two-thirds have chronic issues with depression and its symptoms throughout their lives.

DT: I couldn’t do it; those people are way stronger than me.

KEY TERMS:
DISAPPOINTMENT, WOLVERINE, MY FIRST DATE, DRIVE-INS

Submitted on 6/24/10

Violet

I started writing this blog a little over a year ago, and to say my life has changed since then would be an understatement. When I started the blog, I thought it would be my release, my therapeutic way of handling the seemingly unfair and ridiculous hand I was dealt. Since then, I’ve been through another manic episode, got hospitalized again, fought depression, moved to the City of Wind, started a great internship, quit said internship, and am now planning a move back to Ohio. I’m not sure if this is helping, but it’s about the only thing in my life that’s not disappointing at this point.

The past year kind of reminds me of my first date. Yes, I was a freshman before I got a date and yes, it was a blind date and yes, I was set up and yes, it was as pathetic as it sounds. Just as this past year began, so did my date; I was filled with enthusiasm, optimism, excitement and all-around happiness. My best friend at the time (we’ll call him Wolverine for no apparent reason other than I watched
Van Helsing
last night, on ABC Family mind you, and Jack Hughman was in it and he was also the Wolverine; this is how my mind works) talked me into going on a date with his girlfriend’s best friend. I was beside myself for a number of reasons. One, I was only a freshman and they were sophomores. Two, I had a bowl cut (enough said), and three, we were heading to the drive-in. Yes, we had drive-ins where I grew up, and yes, I thought it was kind of a big deal at that time to go to one with a girl.

Wolverine was trying to get me pumped up for the date the whole way to pick up the girls, giving me confidence that I in no way deserved. I mean, I was a soccer-playing, bowl-cut, five-one, 105-pound farm boy who had never even had a girlfriend, and this girl was older, way hotter, talked into this by her friend, and a cheerleader from a rival school. If I’d had any sense at all, I would have bailed
but I liked to live life on the edge.

We showed up at the house, and the first things I noticed about my date were that she definitely didn’t want to go and she was way out of my league. I tried to say hello to her mom and Wolverine’s date, but my voice cracked, not once but twice We managed to get out of the house, where I left behind any semblance of dignity, and made our way to the drive-in. Being the gentleman that I am, I hid in the trunk to save the five-buck admission (but now I’m pretty sure back then it was pay by the carload, which means I got punk’d on that one) and at least become the funny guy. The movie, well, I couldn’t tell you about the movie. I was too impressed watching Wolverine cuddle with his girl and somehow manage to flirt with my date. I was in awe of these moves.

In the end the date was a total disaster and a disappointing time in my life. I never went on another date with said girl as Wolverine began dating her shortly after (that’s what I got for having a hotter date than his girlfriend). I surely didn’t believe I was going to make any headway with the older, more attractive, and cooler cheerleader, but I didn’t think I’d get punk’d in more ways than one. Maybe that’s a fault of mine that others can relate to: I can have too-high ambitions. I dream that everything will work out just right for me and that my moves in life are orchestrated in a manner destined for success. The reality is that just like my first date, this past year was built up entirely too high in my head. This makes it so much more disappointing when I don’t succeed.

I have been struggling (to say the least) these past couple of weeks, dealing with the disappointment of my mania coming back and having to start over. But I do realize that I can’t let this past year get me down, though it has been a huge bitch. Just like if my first date had been a success, then I more than likely wouldn’t have experienced a lot of things in this world (Qantas Flight Attendant, you know what I’m saying) that have been unbelievable.

Session

JP: I think you’re showing outstanding awareness of your situation here, Derek, and it’s one of many essential concepts to have when living with bipolar disorder. A few others include:

• Perspective:
  Depression and manic depression often follow cyclical patterns. Although you may go through some painful times and it may be difficult to believe things will get better, it is important not to give up hope.
  

• Personal responsibility:
   
  It’s up to you to take action to keep your moods stabilized. This includes asking for help from others when you need it, taking your medication as prescribed and keeping appointments with your healthcare providers.
  

• Self-advocacy
  :
   
  Become an effective advocate for yourself so you can get the services and treatment you need, and make the life you want for yourself.
  

• Hope
  :
   
  With good symptom management, it is possible to experience long periods of wellness. Believing that you can cope with your mood disorder is both accurate and essential to recovery.
  

• Education
  :
   
  Learn all you can about your illness. This allows you to make informed decisions about all aspects of your life and treatment.
  

• Support
  :
   
  Working toward wellness is up to you. However, support from others is essential to maintaining your stability and enhancing the quality of your life.