Songbird (5 page)

I didn’t
realize how much my encounter with Braydon had spooked me until later that night. My phone reminded me I was meeting Forest in an hour at Flannery’s. I held my phone like it was a live bomb, ready to explode at any moment.

If I went to have a drink with Forest, it would be starting something. I knew it was supposed to be just a friendly drink and all but I also knew what I felt. The electricity between us was undeniable and probably completely impossible to resist too. There was no way we’d stop at being friends. Especially not with my track record.

Did I want to go down that rabbit hole again? Did I want to spend the next year obsessing over this guy and paranoid that he was cheating on me with multiple women like Braydon? That kind of stress could really get to you – I should know.

Starting a relationship, or even just a fling, was risky. You put yourself on the line and could do nothing but cross your fingers and hope it doesn’t kill you. At the very least you hope to survive it unscathed. But every time you got your heart broken, it took something out of you. You gave that person a piece of yourself that you never got back. Never.
Ever.

What would my attraction to Forest cost me? A scar on my heart was the best I could hope for. Relapsing and ending up in hospital again was the worst. When I weighed up the two ends of the spectrum, I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could start something with Forest. It would only end badly and perhaps next time I wouldn’t be able to survive it.

I turned my phone off, determined not to look at it again that night. Forest would get the hint when I didn’t show. I couldn’t think of anything I could say to him that didn’t sound ridiculous. If I made up an excuse for cancelling, he would only think it gave him a reason to reschedule. I didn’t want to delay the inevitable, I wanted to completely cancel it.

I pulled a tub of ice cream from my freezer, I didn’t know how long it had been in there. It probably predated my hospital stay. It tasted a little like it did but I ate it anyway. I sat on the couch in my old sweats and ate the whole thing. Welcome to my future.

C
hapter Five

S
unday was an endless round of publicity, which helped keep my mind focused and not wandering to a certain person. When I checked my phone the next morning, it had several missed calls and texts from Forest. I was so cruel and I felt horrible guilt over it.

But I had to be cruel to be kind. Having anything to do with me wasn’t going to be pleasant for him either. I was a mess, I didn’t have any right dating anyone. They would only be pulled into my madness and would regret it the longer they stayed in my vortex.

That night, Demi picked me up and took me to the airport. We had decided to start the tour in New York instead of L.A. Something about the L.A. crowds being too close to home and remembering my downfall too well made the decision for me. I wanted the best shot at succeeding as possible so New York it was.

On the five hour flight over, I still hadn’t seen Forest. The band were taking a different flight, not the red eye. They didn’t have to stick around doing publicity, they could have a restful day instead. God they were lucky.

“So we are in New York for just the one day,” Demi started, going through our itinerary. “Then we’re going to Boston and continue downwards. We’ll then loop back up again to cover states like Pennsylvania and Kentucky. It’s kind of a zigzag across the country really.” She stared at the map, trying to make sense of it. I guessed we were going to get really good at memorizing that map by the end of it.

“Do you think we’ll have any time for sightseeing?” I asked. It was crazy that I had been around America twice and I had barely seen anything. My life consisted of floating between the concert venue and the hotel or bus. I was always being asked questions about places I’d been and I just had to make something up. Especially when it came to overseas venues like Paris. I’d never seen the Eiffel Tower even though I’d been there three times. Crazy.

“We’ve tried to schedule in days off,” Demi said apologetically. I already knew what the answer was. “But it’s mainly just touring. We’ll try and fit some stuff in.”

We always tried, it never happened. If intentions counted for anything, than I would be twice as rich as what I was. “We should keep it in mind. Even if it’s just an hour here and there.”

“Of course.”

I settled into my seat, knowing I needed to sleep. We would have no time to rest once the plane landed.
It was go, go, go until we returned in one year’s time. I so wasn’t ready for it.

I managed to get some sleep
, and before I knew it, we were landing in JFK Airport. There were definitely some perks to being famous. One was not having to wait around to leave the airport. I was first off the plane, didn’t have to worry about standing in line, and I didn’t get my own bags. Everything would follow me to the hotel, I was on a much tighter schedule than my luggage.

The traffic was a nightmare, already putting us behind schedule. We weaved through the mass of cars and cabs until Madison Square Gardens finally came into view. I had only played there once before and it was awesome. It was truly exciting to be starting the tour there. Even if no-one showed up, I would still be happy just to get to stand on the stage once again.

“It’s crowded down here today,” I commented.

The taxi driver turned around while we were stopped at lights. “There’s a big concert on here tonight, traffic’s been banked up all day. It’s a madhouse. Teenagers everywhere.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, big star apparently. I’ve never heard of her. Brierly something. Big with the teens, so my daughter says.”

I exchanged a glance with Demi, I could tell she was thinking the same thing. Perhaps my crew wouldn’t need to fill seats tonight. Just maybe I would have sold enough to not be performing to an empty stadium.

As we drove around to the back of the venue, the line around the Gardens was clear to see. There were
people everywhere, all forming an orderly queue to the door. And they were all there to see me. Me. The has-been who was a laughing stock of the entire world for ending up in a hospital because of a broken heart.

It was crazy seeing so many people waiting. Traffic crawled along the street, giving me the perfect opportunity to see everyone. When I was on stage, the lights were too bright
to see much. Everyone just became a sea of faces and bodies. I had to really concentrate to pick out particular people. But there, in the car, I could see each and every one of them.

Some of the girls had my t-shirts on, my face plastered across their chest. Some had really dressed up for the occasion with glitter in their hair and purple streaks like I used to wear. Whatever happened to my purple streaks? My light pink ones seemed to be my
color of choice lately.

Those kids, with their signs of love, that was the reason why I was doing th
e tour. They were my hardcore fans, the ones who believed in me even when I didn’t. I loved them so much and they’d never truly know. I just prayed I could give them everything they wanted that night. I didn’t want to disappoint even just one of them.

We headed underground to the entrance. I could have stayed there all day in the car just circling the line but I guessed that taxi fare would probably be more than my ticket sales for the night.

“The venue is quite large so stick close or you’ll get lost,” Demi instructed me as we left the car. I followed her through the weaving corridors. She wasn’t wrong, the place was a maze. If I made one wrong turn that night in a quick change, I was going to be doomed. The lights would come up on cue and I would be wandering around the corridors. I made a mental note to pay extra attention, that couldn’t happen. Not tonight when it was opening night. Everything had to be perfect or nobody would turn up for the rest of the shows. Everything hinged on that one performance.

I didn’t see any of my band along the way. They were usually hanging around somewhere, all
organized because of the extra time they got. If I was on their schedule, everything would always be perfect.

“Where’s the band?” I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me. Or perhaps I just didn’t want to accidently run into Forest, maybe that was more like it.

“They’re already in sound check, right where you are supposed to be right now. That damn traffic has already put us behind.”

If there was anyone more stressed than I was, it was Demi. If we failed, not only would it damage her career, but she would have to put up with me too. She wouldn’t be able to get another job for a while so she would have to be stuck with me.

“It’s okay,” I reassured her, feeling a sense of calm out of nowhere. “We’ll do sound and then get ready. It’s going to be fine, I just know it. Did you see the crowds out there?”

“I know,” she took a deep breath. “We just need to go slow to go fast, right? Like the tortoise and the hare.”

“Brierly, thank God! Praise the heavens!” Ryan called out as he met us in the corridor. He had my microphone in one hand and my earpiece in the other – all ready for our sound check. “I thought you’d been kidnapped by monsters and were lying on a railroad somewhere in the 1900s.”

“Close,” I replied, laughing at his dramatics. “But more like regular traffic. Sorry, has everyone been waiting long?”

“Oh, since
forever
. Now get your little butt out there and if there is a problem, I don’t want to know about it.” He pushed me toward the curtains. “Only kidding, if there is a problem I really do need to know about it. Opening night has to be perfect.”

“Don’t remind me.” I left the corridor for the stage. The technicians wer
e still putting the final touches on the construction and lighting. It was a big job, they had probably been up since the crack of dawn putting it all together. They had left L.A. a week ago to get here in time, hauling three busloads of equipment with them. The flight suddenly seemed like such a luxury.

I took my mark – already taped to the floor in an X – and greeted my band. My eyes stopped when they reached Forest. Awkward didn’t even begin to describe it.

Should I say something to him? Apologize? No, that would only give him a reason for thinking he still might have a shot. I needed to make sure he knew it was never going to happen. He would then be free to pick up as many groupies as he wanted. Even if the thought made me feel sick. Better they get their hearts broken than me, right?

We did the sound check, making sure I didn’t turn around again. The entire time I could feel Forest’s eyes drilling into the back of me. He was probably so angry that I had blown him off for our drink without even an explanation. I hated the thought of anyone not liking me but that was going to be one cross I had to
bear. It was for the greater good.

The moment the sound check was done, I left the stage and headed for my dressing room. I was going to hide out in there for as long as possible. Nobody dared come into my room before a show. They knew it was the time I needed to prepare myself – both physically and mentally. It took a lot of nerve to get up on stage in front of thousands of people and entertain them for an hour and a half. Anything could happen with an audience, I needed to get in the zone.

At least, that’s what people assumed. Really, I normally listened to music and played games on my phone. It was just a way to pass the time, not meditate on the meaning of life or anything.

The best part of being backstage before a show was normally the food. I could literally request anything and they would make sure they stocked it for me. I had heard stories from my friends about all the crazy things they would order just to test whether they would get it. Everything from a bowl of only yellow M&M
’s to apples cut into exactly sixteen wedges. They each got what they requested.

My list – or
rider
as was known in the business – consisted of nothing except some fruit, a sandwich, raspberry lollipops, tea, and chocolate. I wasn’t even specific about what kind I wanted. I would have been happy with anything they gave me. Except for the tea, it had to be peach and orange. I needed it for my throat so I could sing without straining my vocal chords.

Sure enough, waiting in my dressing room was what I requested. There was more than enough for one person and definitely more than enough for someone
with a recovering eating disorder.

I called Demi in to help me. She would eat anything. I picked up half of the salad sandwich and starting nibbling away on it.

We spoke about everything but the show while we ate and pretended to get into the zone. Talking about the concert was even more stressful than doing it so she knew to keep my mind occupied.

With only an hour to go until the show, my hair and makeup team arrived at my door. They attended to dressing me in the floor-length gown I was to wear for the opening portion. It was a beautiful scarlet red and cascaded down
to the floor in an ocean of waves. I loved it, it was definitely a keeper. Hopefully I wouldn’t be too rough with it on stage or in the quick change.

When my make
up was done, I was finished. I looked in the mirror. Besides being a little skinnier than I was for the last tour, I did still look like the Brierly Wilcox everyone knew. When I got up on that stage, nobody would be able to tell the difference. That was what I hoped, anyway.

The ten minute buzzer sounded and I left the peaceful space of my dressing room to stand in the wings of the stage. The crowds in the stadium were screaming, they were so loud I wondered how they could hear anything out there.

“Show circle!” Demi called, making all my dancers and band join me. It was supposed to be a tradition. All the performers would stand around in a circle and say a prayer or just a few words to pump each other up for the show. That was what it was supposed to be.

However, I knew Demi’s secret. What she really did
was a quick headcount to make sure everyone was there. She could quickly tell if anyone was missing. Plus, by putting us all in the one place, we would be able to get on stage in time. There would be no-one missing when it was time. She was a cunning woman, Demi, and I loved her for it.

Everyone in the circle looked at me for direction. I hadn’t planned anything. I guessed I was going to have to think on my feet. “Thank you God for bringing us here tonight, please give us the strength and ability to entertain all those people out there. Amen.”

“Amen,” they repeated. Asking for a bit of heavenly help seemed appropriate for our opening night. We would need any help we could get.

As we waited and counted down the minutes, I couldn’t help but notice Forest standing with his guitar poised. He was purposely not looking at me. That wasn’t how I wanted my tour to go. I caved, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Forest, can we talk for a second?” I asked, keeping my voice to just a whisper.

“It’s fine, Brierly, don’t worry about it,” he replied tersely. His words might have said one thing but every inch of his tone and body told me another.

The lights in the auditorium dimmed, ending any conversation we should have had. It was show time.