Songwriting Without Boundaries (48 page)
Read Songwriting Without Boundaries Online
Authors: Pat Pattison
Streamers on bicycles ribbons on balloons
dancing on pockets of air
spinning and sailing and landing with ease
when love is everywhere
Rocky and jagged and bitter to taste
bruising and jarring the soul
cursing the life that love would touch
dying the day it goes
Stan’s first four lines have only the candle to engage your senses, as opposed to Andrea, who pulls you in immediately. But when Stan hits line 5, everything starts to crackle, especially “the moon smells of lilacs and fresh-cut grass.” Nice. I love how Andrea wrote opposing quatrains, as positive and negative aspects of falling in love.
Note especially Stan’s rhyme promi
ses
/wi
shes
. The secondary stress
ses
against the weak syllable
shes
lets the idea float off into dreamland. There are good reasons to use less- than-perfect rhymes. They create instability, which is right on target for his piece. Open your ears and learn how and when to use your rhyme types.
Now, you try.
DAY #8
COMMON METER
Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether you complete your final four-line section or not. Use common meter, rhyming only the trimeter lines (xaxa).
Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion
10 minutes: Ballerina
SARAH BRINDELL
Plastic ballerina spins
Inside my jewelry case
Twirling in her little room
Of pink sateen and lace
She dances till the song is gone
Then freezes for a while
Ripped tutu and some chipping paint
Reveal her half-gone smile
This home that once held pearls and gold
Is now an empty shell
And all her ballerina days
Are bidding their farewell
The feel of satin on her skin
It stretches shiny and tight
Rose pink to match her shoes
Sweeping to the light
And there she pauses for a moment
The people simmer down
She twirls and twirls to the orchestra
Her body floats to the ground
Lights bounce off her silky silhouette
A piece of string in the breeze
Twists and turns caught in midair
Moving graceful, free
Both paint lovely pictures. I love Sarah’s music box approach, which could even be a metaphor for lost youth. And check out Chanelle’s metaphor “her silky silhouette/A piece of string in the breeze.” Nice.
Your turn.
5 minutes: 18-Wheeler
A farmer’s tan on his left bicep
His USMC tattoo
Camel smokes in his checkered pocket
He swigs a Mountain Dew
Detroit to San José and back
He keeps those wheels a’rolling
He pushes miles between memories
To keep those ghosts from calling
The flick of a lighter, the twitch of a shoulder
A man holds tight to the wheel
The revving motor, the sound of thunder
Brakes let out a squeal
High beams blind your dim-lit path
On this sweaty deserted night
No more wasted freeway drives
Where no sleep warps your sight
Nice sense-bound writing. And I love Susan’s consonance rhyme rolling/calling, which creates a spooky feeling to support the trucker’s flight from his memories. And Sarah’s “no sleep warps your sight.” With this relaxed rhyme scheme, you should be able to finish two quatrains.
Your turn.
DAY #9
COMMON METER
Keep your writing sense-bound, and keep your eyes open for metaphor. As usual, set a timer and respond to the following prompts for exactly the time allotted. Use the whole time, whether you complete your final four-line section or not. Use common meter, rhyming both your tetrameter and trimeter lines (abab).
Sight Sound Taste Touch Smell Body Motion
10 minutes: Ocean Waves
Salty fingers reach and pull
Bring your tired feet
Bring your hungry lonely fools
Here to walk my beach
They’ll love the way the sun sinks low
And slows the city pace
I’ll send a gentle wind to blow
The curls from her face
Run through my water jump in the waves
Let me salt your skin
Dip her body from her waist
Here’s where love begins
Trace her name in the sandy shore
Draw a heart with a shell
Take her where she’s …
Ocean waves come rushing in
Over the sandy beach
Stop to touch your summer skin
The water licks our feet
Dogs are chasing driftwood sticks
Swimming for the prize
When he’s done he shakes and flicks
There’s water in our eyes
Chocolate ice cream and waffle cones
Cooling on my tongue
Afternoon sun warms my bones
Salt air fills my lungs
Look at the point of view in Scarlet’s piece. It’s as though the waves themselves are talking, and the result is lots of energy. That’s the power of direct address (see chapter ten,
Writing Better Lyrics
). In both Scarlet’s and Chanelle’s poems, the language is very active, which is partially a result of direct address and how it presents the opportunity to give commands with verbs, the amplifiers of language:
Bring
your tired feet
Bring
your hungry lonely fools …
Run
through my water jump in the waves
Let me
salt your skin
Dip
her body from her waist …
Trace
her name in the sandy shore
Draw
a heart with a shell
Take
her where she’s …
Stop
to touch your summer skin
Your turn.
5 minutes: Magnifying Glass
