Sound of the Tide (17 page)

I looked up. I hadn’t heard from Kevin since Amber was born. I missed him more than I was willing to admit in front of Jenna, but I needed to come to terms with the fact that we—as far as
we
were concerned—were somehow stuck in limbo. As long as I wasn’t sure what he—or I—really wanted, it seemed easier just to avoid one another. Even if it hurt.

Easier for him, easier for me. I often wished we could go back to the days when we could just feel at ease with one another. Not wanting to let Jenna see how sad I was about this distance between Kevin and me, I played it as casual as I could.

“Oh, really? How’s life treating him in Portland? I haven’t heard from him in ages.”

“I was just about to tell you! We weren’t on the phone for long, though, because he was going to the movies.” She stopped for a pregnant pause. “With a woman!”

I swallowed. Amber’s bottle was empty, and I put her up against my shoulder. Her soft infant hair was already getting thicker, but she hadn’t lost any of her sweet baby smell. I kissed the top of her tiny head and watched as she pushed her thumb back into her mouth. But unlike most other times when I watched her, my thoughts would not settle down. My mind was drawing a clear picture of Kevin accompanied by some woman, and I had myself convinced that his stupid movie date looked amazing!

“Well, and why wouldn’t he?” I asked, ostensibly calm.

“Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t he? I mean, he’s old enough, and
you
don’t want him—so what would he be waiting for?”

I narrowed my eyes.

“What do you mean I don’t want him? What are you saying?”

Amber was kicking. She didn’t seem to enjoy our conversation very much either, and I motioned for Jenna to follow me into the living room where I had spread out a baby blanket with a toy arch above it.

With wildly flailing arms, Amber tried right away to reach for the soft animal toys dangling above her, and her quiet chortling noises made my heart melt.

Jenna and I sat down on the floor next to the baby, and I repeated my question.

“So, what did you mean? Is this still about the fact that he never understood that things were over between us before I ever met Daniel?”

Jenna sighed, and her voluptuous chest rose and fell.

“No! It wasn’t about that! I just think that a man who doesn’t give up on you for years, who stays friends with you even though you’re dating his best friend—that must be one special guy! I think it’s super-romantic!”

Later that evening, I was lying in bed, and Jenna’s words were still echoing in my mind.

“
I think it’s super-romantic!”

What a load of crap! That wasn’t romantic, it was self-destructive! Or was it? Had Kevin always secretly waited for Daniel and me to break up? Hoped for it, even?

I stuffed the pillow under my cheek, trying to get comfortable, but I was too worked up.

I could not believe for one second that Kevin’s friendship with Daniel had been anything but honest and sincere. It just didn’t fit Kevin’s character to be disingenuous. I mean, we had known each other since we were teenagers.

I stuck a foot out from under the covers. All this thinking was making me break out in a sweat.

Maybe I should just call him. Maybe we could rekindle our friendship if we were having an honest conversation. Or had we already said everything there was to say? Was this whole thing (whatever it was) already over and done with?

I didn’t want to believe—
could not
believe—that I would never again be close to one of the most important people in my life.

Abruptly, I threw back the covers and got up. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway.

The cold floor underneath my bare feet felt good. It helped me feel grounded in this world, which otherwise seemed to consist only of vague beliefs about an uncertain future.

I snuck into Amber’s bedroom and watched her in her sleep. It is amazing what feelings of tenderness you have when you look at your own child—it’s something you cannot compare to love for a man. Sometimes I wondered if love for a child didn’t deserve another, better word. Just
love
didn’t seem anywhere near strong enough to me. Perhaps
love to the power of ten
!

I stroked her tiny head. Overcome with feelings of such tenderness, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what had made me toss and turn in my bed only moments before.

It was simple, really. Kevin was a good friend. To give up our friendship, to forget everything we had been through together since we were teenagers—that would be crazy.

I needed to tell him that.

Right now!

I walked down the stairs, reached for the telephone, started dialing his number, and realized right away that this wasn’t my brightest idea. But my heart was pounding hard against my rib cage, and I kept dialing, driven by the need to hear his voice.

“Please be there, please be there,” I whispered, clutching the receiver against my ear. Suddenly, it seemed absolutely vital to patch things up between us.

I stared out over the sea, at the nighttime waters breaking in big, angry waves against the rocks. The moon was high in the sky, full and round, bathing the beach in a silvery light. This time, there was no dog below—and no Ewan.

There was no distraction from the unanswered ring on the other end of the line, from my need to hear Kevin say my name, and no distraction from the panic that started welling up when I realized that he wasn’t there.

Dejected, I lowered the handset and leaned against the window. I was close to tears. Why? Why was I finding it so hard to let go of Kevin? And how the hell was he controlling my thoughts like a goddamn hypnotist?

The house was quiet. And cold. I hugged myself, wondering if this loneliness weighing on me would be with me for the rest of my life. Sure, there were days when I felt happy to a certain extent. Days like the ones that I had spent with Ewan. But this overwhelming loneliness, didn’t I feel it with me, always and everywhere—even with him around? A loneliness born from the knowledge that I would betray the man I had loved so much as soon as I even so much as started thinking about my future. A future he was not allowed to have.

But, to hell with it, I needed comfort and warmth. I did not want to feel for the rest of my life the way I felt right after Daniel’s death, when life—and that awful fireplace—seemed to promise nothing but a cold, dark, hopeless existence.

Did that make me a traitor?

Did it make me selfish?

Did wanting to be close to someone, to feel warmth in my life, make me unfaithful?

I closed my eyes, hoping Daniel’s ghost would visit me again. Psychosis on demand—was that even possible? I waited to feel his presence, his aura, so he could tell me what I should do.

I took a deep breath and waited.

The sound of the telephone ringing made me start, and I let out a sharp scream.

Shit, I had not expected Daniel to actually call!

With trembling fingers I answered.

“Hello?”

“Piper? Were you just trying to call me? What’s going on? Did something happen?”

Kevin’s friendly and caring voice made me tear up and only intensified my shaking. I wished he could come through the door and take me in his arms.

“Yea
h . . . I . . .
”

Shit, what was I supposed to say? That I couldn’t sleep because of him? That I had been thinking about him for hours? That I was angry because he went to the movies with some dumbass dat
e . . .

Wait a minute, where was this jealous tantrum suddenly coming from?

“
I . . .
I only wante
d . . .
”

Goddammit, Piper! Say something already! This is getting embarrassing!

“Did something happen?” he asked again patiently.

“No. Everythin
g . . .
is hunky-dory.”

Except for the fact that you’re not here,
I added mentally. “I just—”

“Piper?” he asked, interrupting my ridiculous stammering.

“Yes?”

“Now is not a good time. If everything is all right, would it be okay if I called you tomorrow? This really isn’t a great time.”

The blood was pounding in my ears. I was having cold sweats, and I could feel myself breaking out in hives from all the embarrassment.

“Sure. I
t . . .
it wasn’t anything important. Sorry if I disturbed you. Bye!”

Quickly, before I could amass even more shame, I hung up.

Stupid me! How dumb can one person be? Shit! Shit! Shit! What was he going to think? What was I thinking, calling him in the middle of the night?

I felt as if I had crashed head-on into a wall.

His movie date was probably with him right now! Maybe they were in the middle o
f . . .

Dear Lord! I put my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes to get rid of the unpleasant imagery rising up before me. To be fair, it wasn’t really any of my business what he did—or with whom.

Piper Colby—go back to bed before you make an even bigger fool of yourself!
Being the person that I was, though, I didn’t accept good advice, not even when it came from me. Instead, all I wanted was to do damage control. Determined not to lower my guard, I pressed redial.

The phone rang. I was pacing up and down my living room, waiting for him to climb off his stupid blonde bimbo one more time and answer his cell phone.

“Piper?” This time I heard a hint of impatience in his voice. “What is it? I thought we were going to talk tomorrow!”

Taking a deep breath, I tried to work up my courage and hurried to explain myself. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice how unconvincing my explanation was.

“Hi, s
o . . .
I didn’t mean to disturb you, uh, you two agai
n . . .
bu
t . . .
”

“Piper, what the hell is going on? Say what you have to say! This is not a good time. I shouldn’t even have picked up!”

Lovely! This was going just great!

“I just wanted to say that you don’t need to call me back!” I managed to squeeze out. “I didn’t even mean to call yo
u . . .
That’s what I was trying to say.
I . . .
misdialed. You know, wrong numbe
r . . .
”

“Piper!”

He sounded as stern as my P. E. teacher after he realized that I had faked my mother’s signature on an excuse note.

“Piper, are you telling me that you’re only calling now to tell me that you weren’t planning on calling me when you called a moment ago?”

Shit, that did sound stupid. Oh, I was such a ginormous idiot! I pretended to bang my head against the wall.

“Uh, yea
h . . .
basicall
y . . .
that’s about the gist of it. No reason to stay away from your bed or you
r . . .
girlfriend any longer, is what I was trying to say.”

He laughed. Even though he was so many miles away, I thought I could feel his breath on my skin. It was a wonderful feeling to hear his friendly chuckle, and it made me realize again how much I missed him.

“Great that we got that sorted out. You know what we’re going to do? When I’m done helping these good people extinguish the fire in the corn warehouse—you know, before the entire town is buried under popcorn?—I will call you back. How’s that?”

“Corn? Popcorn?”

“I’m at work, Piper! No bed, no girlfriend. I’ll be in touch, all right?”

“
Uhh
h
. . .
yes, right. You do that. Bye!”

“Night-night!”

He hung up, and I stood—frozen—in the middle of the room.

At work! He was at work! Not in bed with the bimbo. However, this did not necessarily mean that he was completely impartial to that woman, I reminded myself and tried not to let the relief over the corn warehouse fire get the better of me. After all, this was very serious business!

Confused about this unexpected hodgepodge of feelings, I slumped down on the sofa and looked at the telephone, as if the answers to all my questions were hidden in its display screen.

My mind was wandering, and I was unable to grasp and hold on to any thoughts. At the same time, I also didn’t dare to really get to the bottom of my feelings. For months I had been wracking my brain, and it had gotten me nowhere. Maybe it was time to turn off my head for a little while (even though I wasn’t sure that this would make any difference whatsoever—given tonight’s events).

I pulled my feet up on the sofa, a soft blanket wrapped around my shoulders, and leaned back. Kevin’s laughter was still echoing through my body and, feeling relaxed, I closed my eyes. I thought I smelled the sweet smell of popcorn, and I took long, deep breaths.

Tomorrow he would call. And with that thought, I finally fell asleep.

D
ANIEL
’
S
T
REASURES

April

A
mber!

I rose from my sleep with a start. It was past nine in the morning already, and I was still lying on the sofa.

Panicked, I ran up the stairs and into the nursery.

Amber was lying in her crib, raising her tiny fists into the air. She was quietly babbling to herself, and cooed when she saw me.

“Hey, sweetie, you slept through the night, didn’t you?” I whispered in amazement and lifted her out of bed. “What a smart and sweet little girl you are! Such a sweet little girl! You allowed Mommy to get a good night’s rest. Well, I better raise your allowance, then!”

We went into the kitchen and had breakfast—well, all right, she had her formula and I had my coffee, which was as close as I came to a well-balanced meal these days. Then I went to the bathroom, changed Amber’s diaper, and got us both dressed, because we were expecting Cat and Marcus.

At ten o’clock sharp the two of them were at the door. They had offered to take Amber for a walk and then take her home with them. I was to join them for lunch and bring the baby home with me afterward. Sounded amazing! But by the time I had gotten her dressed and packed her diapers, baby bottle, assorted accessories, extra clothes, and a few toys that Amber really didn’t need at all, and by the time the three of them were finally on their way, it was almost eleven. Well, at least I had a whole hour all to myself!

I was just closing the door when the telephone rang.

Kevin!
The thought flashed through my mind, but I tried to stay cool. Even though we had spoken on the phone a million times before, this time everything was different.

“Hello?” My heart was pounding excitedly, and I anxiously waited for the reply.

“Hi, Piper. It’s me—Kevin.”

“Hey, Kevin.”

I sat up straight, trying to come up with the right words. On the one hand, I didn’t want to raise any false hopes—but on the other, I really wanted to bridge this unbearable gulf between us. I wanted for us to be close again, to be best friends again, because I was missing him terribly!

“I hope you averted the popcorn disaster?” I asked, testing the ice.

Kevin gave an affectionate laugh. Had he recently changed the way he laughed? Because it felt so
new
to me.

“Well, since I spent so much time on the
telephone
and paid so little attention to the actual corn, my coworkers had to pick up where I left off,” he explained cheerfully.

“Yeah, that, uh, I guess that was all my fault. So sorry!” I said quickly, hoping he wouldn’t steer our conversation back in the direction of my embarrassing late-night call.

“It’s all right. But listen, Piper, what was going on? You didn’t really call me twice by accident, did you?”

Shit, shit, shit! I would have loved to pretend that Amber was crying and cut our conversation shor
t.

“No, I mea
n . . .
the second call wasn’t an accident,” I said, trying to explain it away. “But you know how it i
s . . .
”

Kevin laughed again, and I really wanted to cuss out loud.

“No, Piper, you’re going to have to explain this to me. Who were you trying to call in the middle of the night?”

Arghhh
—I needed a good answer!

“Uh, s
o . . .
It’s not important. The fact of the matter is that I only dialed your number by acciden
t . . .
I have no idea how it happened!”

Hah, I was good at this! It wasn’t a lie I could get caught in later.

“Fine. Since you didn’t really want to talk to me, and since everything seems to be just fine—if I understood you correctly yesterday—well, in that cas
e . . .
”

Oh God, he wasn’t going to hang up already, was he?

“It’s not like that!” I hurried to interrupt him. “Of course I want to talk to you. There are a few things that we need t
o . . .
clear up.”

“Really?”

Oh, I knew that tone of voice! He used it whenever he wanted to make a woman he’d been hitting on all night believe that the entire flirtation had been her idea to begin with. It had worked on quite a few dumb chicks, too. But I wasn’t a dumb chick—and I knew him and his bag of tricks!

“Well, yeah, sure! I mea
n . . .
I wanted to pick up a few last things I still have left in Daniel’s apartment, and I was wonderin
g . . .
if maybe you wanted that baseball that Alex Rodriguez signed?”

What the hell was I talking about? I didn’t want to get within a hundred yards of Daniel’s things! I was so glad to have made it out of his apartment alive, and to not have to constantly look at the things that had made him
him
.

“The baseball?” Kevin seemed as surprised as I was. “Uh, sure, Piper. I would love to have it—but only if you’re sure?”

I ran my hands through my curls and noticed myself calming down. We were talking again. That was the only thing that mattered. Everything else would fall into place.

“Of course. Daniel would have wanted to know his treasures were in good hands.”

Kevin laughed, but it sounded tortured somehow.

“Oh, Piper! Do you ever listen to yourself?”

“Why? What did I say?”

Was I missing something?

“Nothing. Forget it.” He paused, then went on. “I wish I could prove to you that everything Daniel ever loved would be in good hands with me. I would always treat his treasures well.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed. No, I wasn’t missing anything. My pulse was racing, and in contrast to how I felt with Ewan’s easygoing flirtations, my stomach jittered.

“If I find any more stuff you might like, I will let you know,” I said, pretending that I had missed what he had implied.

He was quiet for a moment, but then I heard him take a deep breath.

“Sounds great. And Piper, why don’t you just call during the day next time.”

He was playing it cool, but I could hear the pain in his voice. And I understood. I had put a dagger through his heart, had turned him down yet again—but he refused to acknowledge that. Except we were too close for him to deceive me.

“I’ll keep that in mind, Kev. It was nice talking to you.”

Silence again, and then he replied, “I thought so, too, Piper. Take care of yourself—and Amber.”

No! Don’t hang up!
everything in me screamed, and I clung to the handset.

“How much longer are you going to be gone, Kevin?” The question I had been thinking about for months burst out of me. I was so afraid of the response that I was breaking out in a sweat. What if he was going to stay with his movie date bimbo forever?

“A little while longer, I think. It’s nice out here. I started playing the guitar again—in the station’s house band—and it helps me come to terms with certain things.”

“A band,” I repeated in a flat voice. “That’s great! I haven’t heard you play in a very long time.”

There was a pause on the other end.

“True. I haven’t played in a while. But I missed it—like I miss a few things from back then.” I heard him take a deep breath. “Why do you ask?”

The sound of hope in his voice made my heart ache. Yes, why indeed? Why was his answer so incredibly important? When would I finally start being honest—with myself?

“Because of the baseball, of course. I wanted to know if I should send it by mail, or if you—”

“Keep it,” he interrupted me. “Then I’ll have a reason to come visit.”

“You don’t need a reason to come visit me, Kev,” I reassured him.

“But I do, Piper. I do.”