Fucking hell. I’d only read half the secrets so far, and I already felt like I couldn’t take any more. I was emotionally drained. But it wasn’t fair to stop now.
I think my parents truly, honestly hate me
, Nicky had written.
I’ve caused them a lot of pain, and I wonder if I could make it better if I went to live somewhere else.
“Babydoll,” I said and put an arm around his shoulders. “No way. They’re helping you work at it, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, they’ve been great, but”—Nicky sighed—“they’re at the end of their rope. I can tell.”
“That doesn’t mean they hate you, though. It means they care.”
“It’s hard to explain,” he said, looking pained. I got that. I had a hard time explaining the shattered relationship between me and my father too, because everyone thought my life was so fucking perfect.
“I know. I don’t mean to say you’re wrong, just…don’t assume the worst. Talk to them, sweetie. They’ll tell you they love you.”
“Maybe.” Nicky didn’t look convinced. I was, though, having heard a few stories about the trouble Nicky caused at home during earlier group sessions. His parents tried like hell to get his moods figured out. They didn’t understand him—that much was clear—but they were definitely trying.
I took a couple of deep, calming breaths after handing Nicky his paper back and taking mine. Cai was sitting next to Jarett now, both of them talking rapidly and in low voices. I sat on the floor and waited, trying to process.
God, we were a fucked-up bunch.
I looked around for Angie and realized she was no longer in the room. This was just the five of us, letting one another see tiny parts of our souls and sharing our burdens just a little bit. I was pretty sure we were acting out the definition of the word
catharsis.
There was movement in front of me. Cai sat down, cross-legged, paper in hand. He smelled good.
“Okay.” He exhaled deeply as though trying to calm his nerves. “Here you go.”
He handed me his paper, took mine, and for some reason my heart sped up to near-panic levels just before I started to read.
I’m empty inside. I feel like I’m dying. But it’s my fault, and I have to live with myself somehow, if that’s even possible. I don’t know how. Most of me is gone and never coming back.
I think I’m already in hell.
“Holy crap,” I said softly. “That’s… Wow.”
He looked up at me, frowning. “
Wow
?”
I felt strangely dizzy, light-headed. Words obviously weren’t working for me, so I reached for his hand. He let me hold it while he finished reading, squeezing gently.
I’d never read anything so tortured. Whatever I had expected Cai to write, this hadn’t been it. It made me reevaluate that aloof facade he put up.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” I asked as gently as I could manage.
He shook his head. “Can’t,” he said softly and followed that with a deep sigh. There was a lot of sighing going on today, I realized.
“You need to have more confidence, man,” Cai informed me. “You’re not that bad.” The corner of his mouth pulled up into the barest hint of a smile.
“It’s odd,” I confessed. “Back home, confidence is one thing I would have sworn I had in spades. I haven’t even been here a week, and I’m a fucking mess.”
“We all are, in one way or another.” He squeezed my fingers again.
I gave him a minute nod. “If you ever feel like you do want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I promise.”
“Thank you.” He looked at me, brown eyes soft and somehow vulnerable. I suddenly felt like something was on the verge of shattering inside me.
I didn’t know what it was, but it scared the living daylights out of me.
* * * *
“Beer!” Finn hissed after he stuck his head in the room.
“Huh?” Jarett looked confused when he glanced up from his book.
“Beer,” Finn repeated in a slightly less covert-ops kind of tone. He shoved a backpack into the room with his foot, and even sitting by the window, I could clearly hear the bottles clinking.
Hallelujah.
“You want to stay for a bit?” I offered.
“No.” He gave me a salacious grin. “There’s girls in my room.”
“You harlot,” I said.
“You know it.” He winked and was gone.
“Why do we have beer?” Jarett asked, still looking completely bewildered.
“To drink, mostly.” I hopped off the windowsill and came over to inspect the contents of the backpack. It was Miller Lite, four whole six-packs of it, and I immediately wondered how much cash Finn had socked away in bribes. No matter, though—it had worked, and I sure as hell couldn’t afford to be choosy.
“That’s gonna be tricky to get on the roof,” I mused. Jarett looked at me like I was nuts.
“Why do you need beer on the roof?”
“To share with Cai.”
“Why don’t you just ask him to come over?” Jarett looked at his watch. “It’s after ten. They won’t check the rooms again until one.”
“Oh.” I tilted my head and looked at him. “You sure you don’t mind?”
“Do I get a beer?”
“Yes, you do,” I decided generously. He had, after all, tolerated my hijinks up to this point.
“Then, yeah, it’s fine. I’ll go get him, actually. I’m wearing shoes, and you need to find a place to hide the extra.” He nodded at the backpack.
“Good point.” I spun in a circle and evaluated our rather bare room with a critical eye.
Jarett was back five minutes later, bringing not only Cai but also Nicky, who was even more excited than usual.
“If you’re having a party, I want to be there,” he whispered loudly.
I rolled my eyes and let him in, closing the door behind him. Only then did it occur to me to look down at myself and check what I was wearing. Ratty shorts and an equally ratty shirt. I did not look glamorous. Then again, neither did Nicky and Jarett, who were wearing similar outfits. Cai had on black silk pajamas, and I kind of wanted to grope him all over.
“I can’t believe you got beer,” Cai said admiringly, keeping his voice low.
“Cousin,” I explained curtly.
“I’m strongly considering taking back everything I said about him.”
I pressed an open bottle into his hand and grabbed one for myself. Jarett took one as well.
“This is a lot more fun than last night.” Nicky smiled.
“Why, what happened last night?” I asked.
“Cai sat in the open window chain-smoking for, like, three hours,” Nicky replied, and suddenly he had a bottle of beer in his hand as well.
“Oh, no way.” Cai plucked it right back out of his grip. “Dude, you can’t even drive yet.”
“Less chance of drunk driving, then,” Nicky pointed out cheerfully.
“You can have one, and that’s all,” I compromised.
“You do realize that nobody in this room is actually legal to drink, right?” Nicky asked.
“Yeah, but it’s my beer,” I pointed out.
“One beer for you,” Cai agreed and patted Nicky’s head.
Wait. Since when was I policing other people’s alcohol intake? More importantly, why the fuck had Cai and I suddenly started co-parenting Nicky?
I gave a mental shrug and sat down on my bed next to Cai, who was looking at the rest of us with interest.
“Wouldn’t have called this happening, back on the first day,” he remarked.
“Yeah, me either. I was terrified of both of you in the beginning.” Jarett pointed at Cai and me, and Cai chuckled into his beer.
“I just thought he was an asshole,” I recalled.
Cai looked over at me and gave me a flirtatious little smile. God, he was pretty. “Has that changed?” he asked.
“Ask me again after a couple more beers.”
Nicky made himself comfortable on the floor. “It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, some of the stuff we’ve done has been kinda helpful.”
“I didn’t think I’d fit in,” Jarett confessed. “I usually don’t.”
“Yeah, but we’re all misfits.” Cai shrugged. “We’re all fucked up one way or another.”
“No kidding,” Nicky agreed, then sighed and made a face at his beer after drinking a sip. “We’re all pretty spectacularly broken, huh?”
“Poor Lexa.” That was Jarett again. “I don’t know what she’s been through, but I have a feeling she’s had it worse than any of us.”
Nicky shuddered. “I can’t imagine what it would take for someone to just stop talking. I don’t even understand how that works.”
“No idea,” I said gloomily. I’d wondered the same.
“She seems so nice,” Nicky muttered.
Cai lowered his beer.
“It doesn’t feel right, talking about her when she’s not here.”
“So let’s go get her,” Jarett proposed.
“You know which room she’s in?”
“I do,” Nicky piped up.
“Okay.” Jarett carefully placed his bottle of beer on the floor, out of the way. “We’ll go get her, then. If everyone is okay with it.” He looked at Cai and me.
“Yeah, cool,” I said. Cai nodded.
The two of them slipped out the door, literally walking on tiptoes. I watched with amusement until they closed the door behind them. That left Cai and me, sitting on the bed in silence.
I looked down, then at Cai. He was grinning.
A moment later, he had leaned over and was kissing me. My heart jumped into my throat in reaction. This was the first time his lips were gentle, not wild, as they took possession of mine, and holy Jesus fuck, I could barely breathe. I broke out in shivery tingles, not even registering my reaction until my arms were already around his neck, holding on to him.
He placed one hand on my thigh and started a slow, circular, and absolutely torturous massaging motion while his tongue playfully molded against mine. The room faded out, and I knew nothing but Cai anymore.
“Getting me hard,” I warned him, speaking into the kiss.
“Uh-huh.” He chuckled and kept right on going. Fuck, he smelled so good, of mint and smoke and a little bit of hair product. I couldn’t stop inhaling him. I realized at this moment that, if I didn’t get him into bed tonight, I would go absolutely insane.
We kept going like that for minutes. Or seconds. Or possibly months. My sense of time had taken a dive out the window. All I wanted to do was moan wantonly and melt into him for the rest of my life.
The sound of the door opening barely even registered, but Cai pulled back in reaction and disentangled himself unhurriedly while we caught our breaths. I felt fluttery, almost feverish. There were two burning hot spots on my cheeks, and when I glanced at him, I saw Cai was in a similar state. He didn’t say anything, however, when Jarett quirked an eyebrow at both of us. I casually dragged a corner of the blanket across my lap.
Lexa stepped into the room, followed by Nicky. She looked excited to be included but shook her head at Jarett’s offer of a beer. I looked her over and wondered if she slept in her sweater too, because she was wearing it even now. Her hair was in an orderly braid, hanging down her back.
“You look very nice,” I offered.
“Thank you,” she said.
I nearly choked on my beer.
“Did that just happen?” Nicky asked, sounding completely shocked and speaking way too loud. Cai and Jarett were staring. Lexa smiled and blushed.
“Cool,” Nicky declared eventually.
“That’s awesome,” Cai said sincerely. “Please keep talking, if you want. Take your time.”
Lexa nodded, cheeks still glowing. That made three of us now. She looked down, taking a deep breath.
“I talk to my therapist,” she explained a bit shakily. “And when I’m alone. I just usually…can’t anywhere else.”
“I’m so glad you can speak with us.” Jarett’s words sounded absolutely heartfelt. I actually had a small lump in my throat. Suddenly we were having a special little moment.
“So anyway.” I gestured at my beer. “We need to do this again sometime. Obviously it’s totally therapeutic.”
Cai made a noise of agreement and placed his hand over mine on the edge of the mattress. He did it all nonchalantly, like this wasn’t news. Jarett and Nicky didn’t even seem to notice, but Lexa’s eyes were drawn to our joined hands for a moment, and then her smile broadened.
“So why do you only ever wear that sweater?” Cai asked her, leaning forward a little.
“Feels safe.”
“Good,” he said. “I’m glad it helps.”
She nodded again, this time more pronounced.
“If you ever feel like you’re ready to wear something else, I totally want to take you shopping,” I informed her.
“And I’ll do your hair,” Cai declared.
I turned to him with no more than mild surprise. “You any good at that?”
“Uh-huh.” He finished his beer and motioned for Jarett to grab him another one. “Yeah, I like doing hair. I used to cut—”
He stopped, very abruptly, and paled. He looked like he was about to throw up. It took me no longer than a second or two to realize that he’d nearly started on a topic he was so not ready to talk about.
“It’s okay, Cai,” I said very, very gently. When he didn’t react, I leaned forward and pulled him into my arms. He put up resistance for a moment but then relented and clenched my T-shirt with both hands as he rested his head on my chest. I could feel him shaking madly. “It’s okay,” I repeated.
The room had become quiet, the faces of the other three filled with concern. When there was no hint of that possibly changing after several long minutes of my rocking Cai slowly back and forth, I realized it was up to me to take the tension down a notch. I tried to think of something, anything, to say.
“You realize we’re both walking clichés, right?” I said into Cai’s hair, but loud enough for everyone to hear. “You do hair, and I’m obsessed with clothes. Between the two of us, I’m sure we can do makeup too. We’re basically our own
Queer Eye
team.”
He chuckled very softly into my chest. I decided that now was a prime opportunity to ask for something I’d been going to anyway. “Hey, Jarett?”
“Yes?” he asked.
“Would you mind switching rooms with Cai for the night?”
He blinked a couple of times while studying the scene of Cai relaxing into my arms.
“Yeah, okay,” he said eventually.
“Thank you.”
We wound down the evening with a little more small talk and chatter. Cai pulled away from me eventually and sat up again. He was still pale, but there was a small, sad smile on his face.