Spectacularly Broken (14 page)

“Yeah. Everyone else’s is much nicer than my own.”

“What’d you write?” Nicky demanded to know.

“Mediocre,” Jarett mumbled.

“And what do the others say, Jarett?” Angie asked gently.

“Mellow.” He paused and blinked rapidly. “Memorable. Magnificent.”

Lexa bumped her shoulder gently into Jarett’s and gave him an exaggerated nod when he glanced at her. She still didn’t talk in front of Angie, but her demeanor had become far more relaxed.

Unsurprisingly, the adjectives we’d picked for her earlier had all sung her praises, from
lovable
to
luminous
and
loyal
. It was easy to see that the rest of us had grown undeniably fond and protective of her.

“You turn, Haze,” Jarett pointed out. He was still fingering the slips of paper before him like he couldn’t quite believe they were real.

“Oh.” I grabbed another piece of scrap paper from the stack next to me. When a thought occurred to me, I looked up sharply. “If one of you writes
hideous
, I’ll shiv you.”

Lexa chuckled and tossed her paper at me. She always got done really fast.

I wondered what sorts of things they might write if they knew my real name. Was I likable? Lively? Lame?

But that wasn’t the letter I could go with. Instead I searched my head for a fitting adjective with
h
because Cai still had the dictionary and was looking through it frantically, index finger flying over the pages. Finally I settled on the one word I could think of that had the most meaning to me.

“Hidden.”

Five minutes later, I’d been told that I was also helpful, hilarious, honest—oh, if only they knew—and heartfelt. The last one had to be from Cai, because underneath the word, in parentheses, it said
and hot
. When I flicked my gaze at him, he winked at me. Flirt.

“Who thinks I’m hilarious?” I wanted to know. That one baffled me.

“Dude!” Jarett waved his arms. “You’re all over the place. You’re hysterical.”

“So am I hysterical or hilarious?”

“Oh, just accept the compliment!” he grumped.

It was Cai’s turn last, and he gave up the dictionary willingly.

“I already know mine,” he said and wrote something. I wished I could have said the same, because I had no clue how to describe him in one word, especially one that had to start with
c.

Plus, I had to repay the “hot” compliment somehow.

It was surprising to see just how incredulous Cai’s expression was once he learned how we described him.

“I don’t see myself like that at all,” he said while staring at the words lying on the floor before him.

“No?” Angie asked.

“No. I’m not…I’m not very compassionate. Or caring. Or even calm.”

Lexa actually slammed the palm of her hand onto her forehead and rolled her eyes at him, which I found funny as hell.

“She’s right.” I gave Cai a “get real” expression. “I think I should have written
clueless
.”

He looked back at me, a bit of hurt in his brown eyes. But then he glanced down at the slip of paper I had given him, on which I’d written three words because I hadn’t been able to decide, and his lips curled into a small smile.

Cute. Courageous. Complicated.

“Cuddly,” I muttered later. “I should have written
cuddly
.”

Cai, half on top of and plastered to me with his arms around me, snorted. “You’re high.”

“I wish.”

“That’s what I should have written for you.
High
.”

“I liked
hot
better. Plus it’s more accurate.”

“Humble too,” he teased.

“Uh-huh. I’m also hard.”

He shifted his thigh and glanced down. “Yes, you are,” he confirmed.

“I’d say we do something about it.” I paused. “But you’re too
comfortable
.”

He made a sound of amusement. I could feel him shake his head at me. “That was a horrible pun,” he said. “Get it?
Horrible
?”

“That’s corny. And you’re crazy.”

“I’m charming as hell,” he protested.

“That was very
clever
of you.”

“’Cause I’m classy.”

“Yeah, well, I’m…heavenly.”

He burst into a laugh. “And I’m fresh out of words. Holy cow.”

“Holy, I am not,” I pointed out.

“And I’m not a cow.”

I giggled helplessly into his shoulder. I hadn’t even noticed that one.

“For real, that activity was bizarre,” Cai said. “My adjectives were so random.”

I gave him a look.

“What?” he asked. “I really don’t think they fit. I’m a major jerk.”

“You really have no idea, do you? Your ‘moody badass’ act lasted for maybe five minutes before we all saw through it.”

“I dunked your head in dishwater!”

“Yes, you did. And I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven you. That was traumatic.” I actually shuddered, remembering it.

Cai chuckled. “You’re so weird. But I like it.” His fingertips touched my hair. Then he dragged his nails gently down my neck and spine. I shivered.

“Feels good?” he asked.

I nodded.

Our cuddling session was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” both of us called out at once, but we didn’t move an inch. I quite liked that neither of us was terribly worried about other people’s reactions to…well, to whatever it was we had going on here. I still wasn’t sure what it was.

“Oh, hey,” Jarett said from the door. “Um. You guys decent?”

“As good as it’s gonna get, yeah.” I craned my neck to look at him. “But hey, it’s your room. You’re allowed to just waltz in, you know.”

“Actually, I was gonna…” He stepped inside all the way and closed the door behind him. “I was gonna ask—you want me to move my stuff over to Nicky’s room?”

I was silent for a moment.

Cai leaned over me and expressed my thoughts before I could. “I won’t say that wouldn’t be welcome, but I don’t want you to feel like we’re kicking you out or something.”

“Not at all,” Jarett insisted. “I understand you two, um, wanting to spend time together. I get that. And Nicky and I get along great. It really wouldn’t be a big deal for me.”

“Well, then, that’d be really nice of you.” Cai looked at me. “Right?”

“Right,” I agreed. “Thank you, Jarett.”

“No problem.” He shrugged and smiled. “I’d like to think you would do the same for me. So. You know.” He shuffled his feet and then went to work.

By the time I left for my therapy session, Cai and Jarett were busy switching out their stuff. I walked into Dr. Pierce’s office with a smile on my face, without even realizing it until I saw her amused expression.

“Did something good happen today?” she asked.

“No,” I lied. “I was just thinking.”

“About something nice, I presume?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“Is there anything in particular that you’d like to talk about today?”

I was about to shake my head when something occurred to me.

“Yeah, actually. I have kind of a weird question.”

“Go ahead.” She did that leg-crossing-and-leaning-forward thing.

“I talk to my cousin sometimes, about his issues.”

“I wouldn’t be able to talk to you about him, even if he was my patient,” she said right away. Obviously she knew perfectly well who my cousin was.

“Yeah, I know, it’s a privacy thing, and he sees Dr. Brookhard anyway. I didn’t want to discuss details or anything. I was just wondering something. He’s got these sex issues.”

“Sex issues?”

I tried to think of the best way to phrase this so it didn’t sound suspicious.

“Yeah. He’s slept with a lot of people, and he told me he’s never been in love or anything. Is that normal?”

“It’s certainly possible,” she said thoughtfully. “He has probably had little crushes here and there, but for some people, it takes longer than for others until that certain person comes along.”

“So how’s he gonna know? If he just has sex with people, how can he figure out whether he feels more for someone?”

“Are you asking me what love feels like, Haze?”

I hunched. I was supposed to be heartbroken about my ex-girlfriend, after all.

“Um…kind of?” I glanced up at her. “It’s just that I’m worried about him. What if he thinks he’s in love, but he isn’t? Or what if he’s in love and doesn’t notice?”

“That would be an issue he should bring up with his own therapist. The best I can tell you is that love feels a little different for all of us. Love can even feel different from one relationship to the next.”

This was so not helpful. I needed a real answer, not this wishy-washy stuff.

“So how long does it actually take to fall in love?”

“Again, different for everyone. Some people swear they had love at first sight. Others are friends for years before that changes.”

“But how do
you
know you’re in love?”

Her eyebrows arched up. “Me, personally?”

“Yeah. If that’s okay to ask. I mean, I tell you all sorts of personal stuff about me. You can tell me this one thing, can’t you?”

She looked amused and a tiny bit annoyed, but to my relief she answered anyway. “I suppose the first thing that comes to mind for me is a strong draw towards the other person, at least initially.”

“Like a tug-of-war?”

“More like gravity, maybe.” She frowned. “This is a little corny, but I once heard someone describe it like this: Suddenly, that person is at the center of your universe. Your mind keeps thinking about them, even if it’s just to wonder what they’re doing right now. Everything is more exciting and interesting with them nearby. The room lights up when they enter. You want to know every last little detail about them, and you want nothing more than to make them happy.”

“Oh,” I said tonelessly.

“If you do embark upon a relationship, that first excitement will eventually fade and be replaced by a sense of comfort and strength and familiarity. But it takes a while. Most people are big fans of that initial endorphin rush that comes with falling in love. It does tend to feel quite special.”

I chewed my lip, staring at the wall.

“Haze?” She leaned forward a little farther. “Are you all right?”

“Maybe,” I said weakly. I was starting to get a bit concerned.

* * * *

I ran into Finn on my way out of Dr. Pierce’s office. I guessed he was about to see Dr. Brookhard, whose office was next door. “Therapy?” I asked.

“Therapy.” He nodded. “But hey, can you meet me sometime tonight? We need to talk.”

“That’s ominous.”

“It’s not supposed to be. It’s just talking.”

“Can’t you talk now?”

“No.” He frowned at me, then at the closed door to Dr. Brookhard’s office. “There isn’t enough time.”

“So you told me now for the purpose of making me suffer until you finally get around to talking to me later?”

“Shut up, Lys,” he said. Then his eyes widened, and he glanced around us.

“Don’t think anyone heard that, but try not to do it again.” I poked his forehead with my index finger. “Brain, sugarplum. Use it.”

He swatted my hand away, looked me up and down, and then shook his head at me, looking fondly exasperated.

“Oh, hey,” he said, his expression brightening. “Say hi to Lexa for me when you see her.”

“Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“Because we have a secret grand romance going on,” he deadpanned.

“Yeah, keep dreaming,” I scoffed.

“Seriously, though.” He folded his arms before his chest. “Say hi for me. She’s a nice girl, and I liked hanging out with her when she was painting the other day. I’m just being friendly.”

“Yeah, okay. But you owe me another croissant.”

“You’re like a loan shark or something. Jesus.”

“Croissant or death.”

“Okay. Fine. You’ll get your damn croissant,” Finn grumbled and finally stepped around me to knock on the office door. “But for the record, your rates are way too high.”

“Romance carries no price tag,” I informed him blithely.

Chapter Fifteen

“So, Nicky threw a chair out the window,” Jarett told us at our next group meeting.

I stared at the offender. “Why?” I asked, bewildered.

Nicky ducked his head and shrugged. “It seemed funny at the time?”

“Seriously?”

“Well, yeah. I was all wound up. It just kind of happened.”

“Did the chair survive?” Cai asked.

Jarett shook his head. “Nope. It was the wooden one from our room. It’s pretty splintered.”

Cai groaned and shook his head, looking up at the ceiling. I used the opportunity to slide a little closer to him. He didn’t appear to notice.

“What are we doing today?” Nicky asked a little too loudly as Angie finally entered the room. He seemed keen on the change of topic. I couldn’t blame him.

“I was thinking a game of two truths and a lie.” She looked around the room. “Has anyone played that before?”

“You tell three stories about yourself—one’s false, and the others are true, and everyone has to guess which is which,” Cai said immediately. “They loved that game at the rehab facility where I went.”

“Well, that sounds easy enough.” Jarett reached for the stack of colored scrap paper Angie had just tossed in the middle of our circle. I grabbed a sheet as well, then sat down a foot to the right of where I’d just been. Cai was even closer to me now.

“Two truths, one lie?” I asked just to make sure. “I’m starting to run out of things to talk about.”

“I’m a terrible liar,” Jarett confessed. Lexa was already writing. Then there was a knock on the door.

It was Kelly. She peered into the room, and her eyes went straight to Nicky. Uh-oh.

“Margaret would like to have a word with you,” she said.

“Now?” Nicky stared at her like someone had kicked his puppy.

“Yeah.” Kelly gave him a look that was somewhere between sympathetic and reprimanding. “Leave your stuff here. This shouldn’t take too long.”

He went with her, head hanging.

“Remember, you’re noteworthy, nice, and noisy!” Jarett called after him. “Don’t let one lousy chair get you down!”

I searched my brain yet again for small, true facts of my life I could share. This was getting difficult. I scowled at my piece of paper for a good minute without any noticeable results.