Spectacularly Broken (10 page)

“Yes,” I howled just as sparks started racing up and down my spine. I bucked against him like I was possessed. “Please. Please.”

“Do it,” he panted. His grip slipped, and he adjusted it, one hand still on my neck and the other clutching my hip, both so forceful that I knew I’d have bruises. He put more of his weight on me, thrusting twice at an angle that hit my gland like a bull’s-eye, making me squirm and cry out and toss my head back as I shot all over the rooftop. It was hard and dirty and completely glorious.

And holy shit, Cai could fuck. It stunned me a little, in fact. The guy had some serious talent.

Before I had a chance to get oversensitive, he lost his rhythm, shuddered, and jerked abruptly. I could feel the pulsating heat even through the condom. His hand reached for the spot where we were joined, securing the condom as he withdrew and abruptly left me empty. Even though the motion made me wince, I didn’t regret a single goddamn second of the act.

As soon as he took his hands off me, I collapsed onto the roof on hands and knees. Cai sat next to me, but I was way too busy trying to catch my breath to look at him.

“We need to do that again,” was the first thing I forced out amid harsh breaths. I didn’t even care how needy I sounded.

“Maybe find a better place next time.”

I agreed with that, if only because my knees wouldn’t be able to take this for long. I turned to grab my pants while Cai, who was still pretty much completely dressed, rebuckled his belt. His face was finally relaxed, his pupils blown, his hair wet with sweat. He looked me up and down for a few seconds. I continued to get dressed and raised an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“I still haven’t decided if you’re okay or if you’re an asshole,” he informed me succinctly.

“That’s fine. If it comes down to it, we can hate-fuck.”

“Deal,” Cai agreed.

Chapter Eleven

I stopped by Finn’s room the next morning and found him lying on his bed, eyes blissfully closed as he chewed, a croissant in his hand and crumbs all over the bed.

“Cupcake! Where’d you get that?”

He blinked at me. “Don’t you knock?”

“No,” I informed him. “This was supposed to be my room anyway. It’s just on loan.”

“That’s not how this bet works,” he had the gall to inform me, waving his croissant around in illustration.

“Answer the damn question, Finnegan.”

He smiled broadly. “I bribed the cook.”

“With my money?”

“Precisely.”

“Share,” I demanded because all I ever found that I considered edible breakfast downstairs in the dining hall was cardboard-like toast and too-sweet strawberry jam. Finn pointed at a paper bag next to the bed, and I pounced. There were two more croissants inside, and I instantly laid claim to one by licking the entire thing.

“That’s so gross.”

“But effective,” I argued. “Hey?”

“Straw?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.”

“I’m fucking hilarious.”

“Anyway. Can you get me some beer?”

Finn narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. “Don’t know,” he said after a moment’s pause. “I’ll try. Have to figure out exactly how corrupt the cook is.”

“Do that. Please. And while we’re talking, why the hell did you tell your therapist that you aren’t mad at your brother?”

Finn dropped the tail end of his croissant and sighed.

“Seriously, I need to know,” I pushed. “Why haven’t you put bleach into his eyedrops yet?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Finn threw his arm across his eyes.

“Tough.”

“You can’t exactly make me, asshole.”

“C’mon, Finn.” I sat on the edge of the bed. “I told you things too that I’m not exactly proud of.”

“Ah fuck,” he grumbled. “You’re just gonna think I’m pathetic.”

“No, I’m not. Right now I think you’re emotionally stunted or something, because you’re not nearly as angry as you’re supposed to be, honestly. So what gives?”

He bit his lip and glared at the ceiling as though it had offended him.

“My best friend,” he said eventually.

“The gay one?”

“Yeah. Hunter. He hasn’t been around lately because…” Finn sighed. “A few months ago, he told me he had feelings for me.”

“And you freaked?”

“No, I didn’t. I just didn’t feel the same, and he knew that. He said being around me was really difficult, and he wanted to stay away for a while until he had a better grip on things. I agreed because what else was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to screw up our friendship completely. So that’s why I haven’t seen Hunter in a long time.”

“Okay, so?”

“So, I don’t really have any other close friends. I know it sounds pathetic, but I don’t. I’m not all that social. And my mother works two jobs, and my brother’s making out with my girlfriend, and I just…I don’t have anyone, Lys. And even though he hurt me, I don’t want to hate him, because if I do that, we aren’t ever going to make peace, and I can’t… I just…”

A single tear ran from his eye across his temple and into his hair. He wiped it away and set his jaw, obviously trying to hold back any more of them. I wanted to say something, but I was completely lost as to what might possibly be an appropriate reaction to everything Finn had just confessed.

“You have me,” I finally pointed out in a small voice.

“Do I?”

“Yeah, jerk, you do.” I hugged him then, laying my head on his chest and wrapping my arms around him as much as was possible in the position we were in. “Before I go back home, I’ll give you my cell number. And you can visit me sometime, okay? Hell, you can move in if you want. It would probably take a couple of months for my dad to notice.”

He hugged me back and half laughed, half cried into my shoulder.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he promised me.

* * * *

Later, during the group meeting, I hoped he’d take me up on it as I stared at the ceiling. I was getting more and more worried about my cousin.

We were playing with Skittles again. Lexa was holding hers, a red one, in the palm of her right hand while she wrote down a fact about her childhood with her left. She pushed the sheet over to Cai, who was sitting next to her, and he grinned and read it out loud.

“My favorite stuffed animal was a bunny I named Mistress Pushybottom.”

Barely suppressed chuckles rippled through the room. Lexa blushed and shrugged and then wrote something more on her sheet.

“I’m not sure why I did that,” Cai read.

“Awesome names don’t need reasons,” I declared.

“Agreed,” Cai said. “If I ever have a pet, that’s gonna be its name.” He reached for the bag of Skittles and drew a red one as well. His expression froze. “I can’t,” he said. “I want a different color. “

“Okay.” Angie gave him a nod, and he reached for another candy. He got an orange one this time and glanced at the whiteboard to confirm his cue.
Something you can’t live without.

He stared at the phrase and answered so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him before he pushed the bag toward Jarett.

“I’ve already lost it.”

* * * *

I wondered about that when we were eating lunch together. Lexa had her speech issue, I was into drugs, Nicky was hyperactive, and Jarett seemed to have trouble with his self-esteem. Why was Cai here? He’d told me he was in pain, but I had no idea if that had been true or not. Either way, the fact that he’d asked me for blow couldn’t exactly be a good sign.

“Can I have your chicken?” Jarett asked, distracting me from my worries.

“Go ahead.” I glanced at his plate. “Trade you for your beans?”

“Yeah, sure.”

This place was not vegetarian-friendly, that was for sure.

A hand sneaked by my face and stole a bean. When I looked up, I saw first Lexa’s grin and then the vegetable vanishing into her mouth.

“I can’t be mad at you, angel,” I said. “It’s just not possible. You could make murder look innocent and adorable.”

She giggled. It was the first time I’d ever actually heard a sound from her, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Heads turned all around me.

“You can laugh,” Nicky said excitedly. “That’s so cool.”

“I think you have a really nice voice,” Jarett added, then promptly blushed deep red. Cai only gave her an encouraging smile before turning to me and nodding in a way that conveyed he approved of what I’d managed to do. I sat up a little straighter. A measure of pride flooded me and left me feeling warm and fuzzy and content.

* * * *

It wasn’t until much later, when I was getting ready to go to bed, that my body got restless again. It was raining, so another meeting on the roof was definitely out, and that irritated me.

“You need a sleeping pill,” Jarett opined from up in his bunk bed as I paced the room.

“I need a brain transplant.”

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.”

I paused and thought about the statement. “I’m not sure either,” I admitted. “God, I can’t think. I need…”

Yeah, I needed. Preferably Cai’s mouth on me or his dick in me or one of his cigarettes. Fucking addictions.

“I have a granola bar,” Jarett offered.

“Unless I can have sex with it, thanks, but no thanks.”

His eyes grew wide. “Uh, I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean either.”

Shit. I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.

“Sorry.” I looked sheepishly up at him. “That was… I don’t have a filter at the moment. I’m totally wound up.”

“Yeah, I can tell.” Jarett studied me. “There’s nothing I can do to help, is there? Like, guide you through a meditation or something?”

We’d done that with green group once, and it had been crap. I clutched my head in my hands and shook my head. “Thanks, but no.” I threw myself on my bed. “Fuck.”

“Just think of something nice.” Jarett was starting to sound strained, probably because he wanted to sleep.

“Yeah, okay.” I grimaced. Then I closed my eyes and imagined myself jumping into the pool at home and swimming with the starfish.

Chapter Twelve

The group exercise of the day was called
Brave
, and it scared the hell out of me.

“Share a secret”
had been Angie’s instruction. Something very deep, very personal, something you don’t actually want anyone to know. Dig deep. Be brave and write it down. Trust the rest of the group. Nothing leaves the room; nobody gets judged.

I thought it was a hell of a risk to take, but at the same time, it was tempting. Maybe it would feel good to just take one of the many things bottled up in me and fling it out there for everyone to gawk at. Maybe it would be a relief.

Or maybe it would leave me ripped open and bleeding and vulnerable.

Fuck it.

I don’t think my life has a point
, I wrote and paused to stare at the words. It was such a disturbing realization to put on paper.
I feel useless. If I wasn’t here anymore, the world wouldn’t have lost anything at all.

My talents were fucking and partying. Even my dad was a useful member of society, and I failed miserably at it.

I’m just some decoration, and that sucks.

Yeah.

I blinked, took a deep breath, swallowed hard.

I want to do something meaningful, but I don’t think I’m good enough.

Oh hell, that was as much soul-baring as I could stand to do. I threw the paper at Angie like it was poison. She gave me a questioning look.

“I’m done with it.”

“Oh, I’m not going to read those.” She handed it back to me. “Since I’m not sharing anything today, it wouldn’t be fair. What I want you to do is read each other’s secrets. Just take some time, learn about each other, and do what you need to do.”

I wasn’t sure what that last part was supposed to mean, but I nodded. Lexa caught my eye. She appeared to be finished with her secret as well, so I tentatively pushed my piece of paper her way. My heart was beating way harder than usual. Lexa nodded and, her face shadowed and serious, traded it for hers.

I took a deep breath and read.

I take a shower twice a day. I scrub and scrub, and I still feel dirty. I want to scrub my skin off.

I’m probably crazy.

“You’re not,” I said softly. She looked at me, lowered my note, blinked, and I jumped to my feet and opened my arms. It didn’t seem like a good idea to force a hug on her like I’d done with Finn, but she accepted it anyway. She smelled like shampoo and fresh laundry, and I buried my face in her huge sweater while her hair stuck to my face.

We stood there like that for about half a minute before she let me go. A small, tentative smile was back on her face, and I thought that maybe this wasn’t as hard as I’d thought.

I turned and saw that Nicky and Cai had exchanged papers and were reading with serious faces. Jarett sat there, looking terrified. I took my secret back from Lexa and handed it to Jarett with an encouraging smile. His secret was a short one.

I found my father hanging from the rafters in our barn.

“Jesus,” I whispered.

Jarett was still reading when I sat next to him and tentatively put my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” I felt stupid saying something so meaningless, but I had no idea how to react. “I’m really sorry, Jarett. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he muttered and lifted his head, staring into space in the general vicinity of my belly button. “Was hard just to say it. Write it. Whatever. But I feel better now.”

“How long ago?” I asked.

“Year and a half.” He shrugged. “I’m dealing. I’m doing okay, you know. And you aren’t useless, Haze. You made Lexa laugh, didn’t you?”

It wasn’t the best attempt ever at lifting the mood, but I gave him credit for trying.

When I looked at the rest of the room again, I saw that Nicky was pale and Lexa was crying silently, the cuff of her sweater pressed to her mouth. She lowered the page she was reading and hugged Cai fiercely. He hugged her back, brushing a hand through her hair and whispering something into her ear.

“Haze?” Nicky asked.