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“Who needs parents when a land of adventure awaits? Once you find a fairy or two, you'll never never miss 'em.”

—Neverland Orphanage Handbook

Sometimes the body works its own kind of magic. Take adrenaline, for example. In the heat of battle, a mortal wound feels like a scratch. A mother whose child is threatened has the strength of ten ogres. And a princess chased by a witch can abandon the only home she's ever known.

Adrenaline had kept me going and put a big piece of tape around the things that were broken. Now the rush was gone, and so was the stuff that held me together.

I fell apart.

My parents were gone. There was a good chance my home was a glittering green crater. I was out in the middle of nowhere with no food, water, or wardrobe change. Oh, and I was stuck with a snarky servant and an unwanted furry fiancé.

Through my tears, I gave Kato a look that would have done my mother proud. “I hate you. This is
your
fault. I only made a wish to escape you. My life was just fine before you showed up with your freaky black fingernails. Now everything's ruined. All my stuff is gone with the wind.”

“Typical.” Rexi stood up and brushed off the seat of her pants. “We're probably gonna die, and you're worried about losing the new spring fashions and blaming everyone else for your troubles.”

I stood, infuriated at her uncaring attitude. “Excuse me? You can't talk to me that way.”

She whirled around, hand on hip. “And why not? Are you going to throw me in the dungeon? Oh wait, you don't have one anymore.”

I got in her face and looked down on her. “What is your problem with me?”

Her eyes got wide, her nostrils flared, and she pushed her finger right into my chest. “I don't have a problem
with
you. My problem
is
you. You and all your high-and-mighty storybook buddies. You think you're
so
special, that you can do or have anything you want. You don't care who wakes up at two when you want a snack, or how many elves it took to make those shoes you only wear once then throw away.”

I knocked her hand away. “That's not true. I would never throw away shoes—”

“Ahhhh!” she interrupted and spun away from me. “That is exactly my point. How self-absorbed can one ditz be? It's all about
you
. Everything
you've
lost. What about everybody
you
just royally hexed? Not that I care, but fuzz ball here doesn't seem too happy with the new look
you
gave him.”

My defenses immediately went up. This wasn't
my
fault. “But I didn't mean—”

Rexi threw her hands up. “Of course you didn't. Well, the road to hell is paved with the golden bricks of good intentions. And while I'm here yelling at you, we're sitting swans for the Gray Witch. So stop thinking about
you
and help me figure out where we are.”

In my opinion, Rexi was being unnecessarily harsh, but she was right about one thing—if we didn't get moving, Griz would wipe us out.

While I had never been traveling, I considered myself something of an expert on precious metals and gems. “Midas is the only place where gold literally grows on trees,” I said. The land of Midas was named after its mad king, who ran around turning everything into gold with his touch. For obvious reasons, it was scarcely inhabited. I didn't want to risk becoming a 24-karat statue either.

Rexi shook her head and reached into her pockets, then growled as she turned them out. They were empty. Stomping over to a tree, she snapped off a glittery branch and drew a makeshift map that looked an awful lot like a doughnut. But then again, maybe I was just hungry. Running around, she collected broken bits of the vacuum to symbolize different kingdoms.

“This is where we started.” She put Emerald in the doughnut center, using the Dust Devil's handle for the tower—then stomped on it a few times just to drive the point home. “Midas is on the very eastern edge of the Realm of Fairy Tales.” She chucked the shiny engine fob on the outer doughnut rim.

“Yeah, I get Fable Channels on the telemirror. So what's your point?”

She drew a line from busted Emerald to chromed Midas. “It's too far. That would mean we moved through a dozen storybook settings in the space of a five-minute cyclone. Plus, Midas has huge golden forests because it rains there, like eleven out of twelve chapters.”

Our landing spot had a few withered gold trees with rotting figs sprinkled across tons of faintly glittered dirt. It hadn't seen any water in ages, like someone had sucked the moisture out of the ground with a straw. The mud pit probably used to be a lake.

Hopefully this wasn't Midas, because if it was, I was a loooong way from home and the damage caused by Griz's cursed star stretched out much farther than I imagined. But no need to panic. I was the heroine in this story, so everything would get fixed somehow. I'd been good—mostly. I'd done my part and followed all the rules the Storymakers had laid out. The Emerald Sorceress would come to the rescue with my happy ending in tow.

I just needed to tolerate these circumstances until then.

“All right, Rexi. You're supposed to be my guide, so take me to this spring on the other side of the rainbow. Where is it?” I waved my hand toward her makeshift map, waiting for her to mark it out.

She snorted. “Like I'm supposed to know what that old bat was talking about? But when I see a rainbow, I'll be sure to toss you over it.”

“So what exactly are we supposed do until we find it?”

“
Mrow
Mgrow
,” Kato replied and started digging a hole, messing up Rexi's map while kicking up mud onto her breeches.

“If it gets cold, I can always make a fur coat.” Rexi sneered down at him.

He flipped his spiked tail straight into the air in what could only be interpreted as an obscene gesture.

Rexi duplicated it in human form. “Right back atcha.”

I sighed and thought back to what Verte had said on my way out of the ballroom.
Find
a
safe
place
somewhere
over
the
rainbow. Stay away from fire. Use your head. Don't lose your shoes.

Well, I still had my silver and ruby slippers, and I had no intention of risking the curse by getting anywhere near fire—so I was two for four. My head wasn't getting me anything but a migraine. And from the looks of this drought, I'd be waiting awhile before a rainbow showed up. So, by default: keep walking until I find a rainbow or until the Emerald Sorceress finds me, whichever comes first.

I was putting my jewels on the latter.

When I was little, I would force Verte into games of hide and seek by stealing her staff. She had an uncanny knack for finding me, so the games never lasted long. Usually her ability drove me batty and got me into endless trouble. Now I was counting on it to save the day. She would use that freaky emerald eye of hers to come get me. Though she was ancient now, back in her heyday, she was supposedly one of the most powerful sorceresses the Storymakers had ever created. She would know how to put everything to rights again.

Hopefully before I found out if there was any truth to the whole Emerald-curse thing.

Think
happy
thoughts.
Uh, yeah right. Because there is so much to be happy about right now.
Maybe I needed to try and make up happy thoughts. Daydreaming—my favorite pastime, next to buying stuff on the Castle Shopping Network.

I would stumble upon a Bibbity-Bobbity Boutique and Spa while I waited for Verte to deal with Griz. By the time I was done with a mani-pedi, it'd be time to go home. My parents would have found their way back from wherever by then. Oooooh. Maybe I accidently sent them to a deserted island paradise. Or even better, to the spring Verte was going on about—like a hot spring resort. Good for them; they deserved a vacation.

A hand waved in front of my nose. “Hellooo? Anybody in there, or did you zone out for a mental shopping trip?”

Kind of, but I wasn't about to tell her that. “No,” I said and sniffed indignantly. “I was just thinking about finding a safe place so Verte can find us.” It wasn't a total lie.

“Well, we better get going, then, though I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.”

Rexi didn't know what she was talking about. The Emerald Sorceress would come. She had to.

Even before I was taller than a garden gnome, my mother was always busy running the kingdom, so Verte had been there to look after me. She was much better and more reliable than any prince.

I looked over at the proof of that last thought; Kato growled and pounced on a fallen tree.

Rexi rolled her eyes and walked away from us. “Hey, genius, it's a log.”

I hurried after her, expecting Kato to follow, since I hadn't been able to get rid of him yet. But he didn't, and after about twenty yards, I stopped and looked back. He was still obsessing over the dumb log.

I tugged on Rexi's arm, pulling her to stop. “We can't leave him. He'll be troll chow by nightfall.”

“And?” Rexi made no move to turn around. But she didn't keep going either. “He's your problem. You deal with him. Plus, I hear using pets as accessories is all the rage.” She snorted and tossed a shiny chrome fob up into the air, then shoved it in her pocket.

She'd probably swiped that metal piece from the vacuum's corpse—and that fashion tidbit from the stack of
Fairy
Vogue
in my room that managed to magically get smaller every time I added the latest issue. I suppose if my being tricked into that wish made him into a creature, I should make sure he didn't get turned into a meal. I could be the bigger person and take responsibility, even if the situation wasn't entirely my doing. Plus, after the things Kato said to me, a very wicked part of my heart would take an ironic joy in commanding
him
to sit.

As I walked back to get Kato, it dawned on me that, for the first time in my life, I had someone to protect. For the record, Sammy the salamander didn't count, may he rest in peace.

I stopped near Kato and patted my leg. “Come on, Kato. You may not look like it right now, but you're a prince. So stop this useless nonsense and act like it.”

I'd chosen my words to goad him, but he didn't rise to the bait. He sat by the log with his head down, like he was hiding something. I looked closer.

Were those legs sticking out of his mouth?

“The Rule of Favor: Save a life and it's yours for the taking.”

—Thomason's Tips to Ruthless Ruling

I stomped my foot. “That is not a lollipop. Spit it out. Right now!” Where was a rolled-up scroll when you needed one?

Kato looked at me, and I could almost hear his raised eye whiskers say,
Make
me
.

Sinking down, I worked on prying open his muzzle. “You just ate a week's worth of food.”
Grunt.
“You're going…to get…fat.” Ugh. For such a little thing, he had jaws of steel. Last-ditch effort. “It could be poisonous.”

That got his attention. The hack he gave sounded exactly like Verte's cat when it coughed up a hairball. Instead of a wad of fur, out came a small, wooden person. It looked like the love child of a bug and a stick. I didn't know what it was, but I don't think it was slimy naturally. Most likely it was just covered in Kato slobber.

And it was not happy.

“Big-footed booby, good for glammed giants. Pix yourselves off to the ever after and fimfammed your dwarf-dunged…”

I pride myself on using colorful expressions when the occasion arises, but this tiny thing had a bigger vocabulary of swears than any person I'd ever met. When he got around to describing Tinkerbell's thong, my ears started to burn.

Disregarding the threat of poison, Kato lunged for the little man—and I say “man,” because with that language, the bug had to be male. I moved a pinch faster and scooped Kato up before his jaws snapped the rude twig in half.

Earlier, I'd only been joking about Kato getting fat, but hauling him up around his middle, I noticed he was bigger—and heavier—than he'd been at the palace.

“Bad whatever-beast-you-are. Leave the fairy alone!” I exclaimed, struggling to keep a squirming Kato in my arms.

“Fairy? First your mutt thinks I'm a lollipop, and now you think I'm a
fairy
? Do you see any wings, you pixing, pox-ridden prat?” the man said rudely, with great indignation.

Though I was tempted to set Kato down and let him have his snack, this was the first sign of semi-intelligent life I had come across, and I needed answers.

Time to brush up on princess charm-school training. Lesson #2: Always use your best manners when greeting an unfamiliar creature or person in a distant land. Rude princesses get turned to stone or reptiles much more often than polite ones.

“My sincerest apologies, sir. I meant no disrespect. I'm afraid I'm lost and have never come across one such as yourself. Could you please help me?” I batted my eyelashes in an attempt to appear damsel-in-distress-y.

Even twenty yards away, I could hear Rexi groan.

The bundle of fur under my arms stilled and looked at me, dumbfounded. His mouth hung open, and he blinked as if seeing me for the first time. Hey, I could be polite and have social skills when the situation called for it, though I was a tad out of practice, and I might have been laying it on a little thick.

The little man picked off some of the slobbery mucus and harrumphed. “Well, I'm a Bumpkin, and you're a buggin' primpitch. You'll get no help outta me.”

Okay. Nice hadn't worked; it was time to get royal on his bumpy butt.

Crouching down to Bumpkin level, I spoke with the regal tone I'd heard my parents use when they were being official. “I invoke the Rule of Favor. I saved your life and now you are indebted to me. As payment, I demand you guide me to the rainbow spring.”

The Bumpkin turned his back…and mooned me.

I so didn't need that white hairy bum burned into my retinas. Fine, if the rule of favor was out of service, I was not above a little intimidation. Desperate times called for less than ladylike measures.

The Bumpkin gave a high-pitched squeak when I snatched him from the log. “Look, you nasty little
fairy
. I asked nicely. I appealed to your honor. Let's try your survival instincts. You can help me, or you can play cat and mouse with Kato here.” I dangled him over my furry companion's open maw.

“You wouldn't.” His eyes narrowed, assessing me.

“Try me.”

“I'll make you pay for this, hag bait.”

“You and what army?”

As if on cue, the log started shifting and changing shape. What looked like knots in the wood unfolded and became more Bumpkins. Now I got it. They probably got their name because they looked like bumps on a log.

And that log was really bumpy.

Kato and I backed away from the swarm. One four-inch creature wasn't scary. Hundreds of the little buggers were another matter. Think wooden cockroaches. With sharp sticks. And pointy teeth.

A stinging bite from the Bumpkin in my hand startled me into dropping him.

“Charge!”

Within seconds, my legs were covered in Bumpkins. Kato tried to swat them like flies with his tail, but they were remarkably resilient. Definitely related to cockroaches.

For every one I brushed off, two more took its place. Aside from the creepy-crawly feeling of little feet all over me, I was being stung repeatedly as well.

Great. I'd dodged stormballs and survived a vacuum crash, but now I was facing torture at the hands of magical bugs.

One of them had a stick aimed for my eye when a sharp whistle brought them to a halt. And just like that, it was over. The swarm of Bumpkins retreated, bowing in front of what remained of the log. The log shook and stood, the bark shivering and becoming a full gown. The twigs became arms and the largest knot became facelike. If I didn't miss my guess, I was about to meet the queen of the Bumpkins.

“Why have you woken me?” She spoke haughtily, like I was beneath her, even though she was less than a gnome's height.

I searched for an answer, but I was still blown away by the whole talking-log thing. Turned out, she wasn't talking to me anyway. The Bumpkin with the foul mouth, and I knew it was him because his pants were still in half-moon position, addressed his queen. The story he told was missing a few parts, but the guts were all there.

“And you attacked, even after she saved your life,” Queen Bump said in a flat tone that gave no clue whether that was a good or bad thing.

“Well, she's—”

“
Silence
. I know exactly who she is. And if the rule of favor no longer compels, you should follow the will of your Maker.” She turned away from Moony in what seemed like rebuke or dismissal.

That put her knobby gaze focused squarely on me. “I do not know the rainbow's current location. Leave my children be and go west. Under the metal spire, you will find Black Crow. She will take care of you.”

Without any pleasantries, the queen folded into herself—her arms becoming twigs, her dress re-forming into bark. Her “children” gathered around her and resumed their places as bumps and knots. The last to do so was Moony. Before taking his place, he gave me a look full of scorn that threatened retribution.

“Well, that was easy.” Rexi now stood right behind me.

“Easy? Where were you?”

Rexi's face colored, and she looked down at her sensible brown shoes. “I was coming…but it was over before I got here.”

“Uh-huh.” Kato and I wore matching expressions of disbelief.

“Whatever.” She turned and stalked away. “I don't do bugs.”