Spencer's Face (Buckeye Hawks) (36 page)

I tried to make
her feel the depth of my love. I told her how much I loved every part of her
body and how much I loved her. It was incredible. She was incredible. She kissed
every part of my body as well. It reminded me of our time together as a couple.
I wanted that back so much. When I went to enter her, I suddenly remembered
that we didn’t have any condoms.

“We don’t have
any condoms, Taylor.” I told her.

“I won’t get
pregnant.” She said.

“What?” I asked
her. “How?”

“The pill keeps
girls from getting pregnant.” She answered me.

I felt like she
was lying to me for some reason. She’d never said a word about going to the
doctor. I wondered why she needed the pill if we were breaking up. I remembered
what my uncle told me about continuing with the condoms even if she did get on
the pill. I made love to her, but I pulled out right before I came. Hopefully
that would be enough to keep her from getting pregnant. I rolled to her side
and held her close.

“Does this have
to be our last time, Taylor? We really could meet on the weekends.” I said. I
didn’t want to let her go.

“I’m moving to California
in a couple of weeks.”

“California?” I
asked, crushed again. There was no chance I would see her until this summer if
she moved to California. “To El Cajon?”

She nodded.

“I can come see
you this summer, the minute I graduate.” I told her.

“Call me when you
get there. We’ll do lunch.” she said. There was something I didn’t like in her
tone, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. The way she said it was so
nonchalantly, like I didn’t matter to her any longer. Like our entire
relationship had been reduced to two people who did lunch on occasion.

“Why are you
moving? Why don’t you stay here? You said you were going to rent a trailer. Why
don’t you really do that? That way you could stay. I’ll be eighteen in less
than a month. I’ll move in with you then. We can make this work, Taylor.” I was
almost begging, but somehow I didn’t care that I was making a fool out of
myself. I had to give this a shot.

She shook her
head. “It wouldn’t work. We’re too young. It wasn’t working.”

“Taylor, I
thought it was working great. I don’t know what you were talking about when you
said it wasn’t working.”

“Let’s not fight
on our last day together.” She said, then kissed me on the lips again.

Taylor returned
me to school in time for P.E. It took an enormous amount of restraint to keep
myself from crying when she kissed me goodbye for the last time. I hated it
that I wasn’t going to see her again. Ever. The pain was almost too much to
bear.

A week went by.
The pain was lessening some, but it was still so strong. I hated going to my
locker because it still smelled like her. Zane was constantly trying to cheer
me up. The girls at school were constantly trying to cheer me up. Some of them
were really cute too. I thought about what Taylor had told me, that there was a
line. Where was this line last year? Before I met and fell in love with Taylor.

Another week went
by, and I buried myself in my music. I wrote a song that was basically begging
a girl back. I poured my feelings into my music. Janel heard me singing this
one and playing it. She came in and just hugged me. “The pain will pass. I
promise.” She said.

“Why doesn’t she
love me any longer, Aunt Janel?” I asked her.

“It’s not you, Spencer.
Maybe it was just time for her to move on. If it makes you feel any better,
she’ll think of you every time she has a relationship with anyone else for the
rest of her life.”

“So will I.” I
informed her. I thought about that. It was true. I was sure of it. I’d think
about her every day for the rest of my life.

I looked at my
pictures of Taylor constantly. I wanted her to be real, to be in front of me. I
kept on playing my music. I sent that song in when I finished it. I had a lot
of time to work on songs lately. No matter what, all I could think about was
Taylor.

Another week
passed, and I wrote another song. It was a song cussing out a girl for doing me
wrong. It made me feel better to play that one and sing it. I finished it too
and sent it in. I was on a roll with my songwriting. I wrote another one that
thanked the girl for the good times even though we’d parted ways. That one made
me sad. It took a long time to finish, but I did. I sent it in too.

Another week
passed and I was still writing songs. It was all I was doing. My aunt’s
concerns were growing. She was even talking about counseling again. I assured
her that songwriting was my therapy to get over Taylor. I managed to convince
her that I just needed to write songs.

“Maybe you should
try going out with someone else. You said you thought some other girls might be
interested the other day.” She suggested.

Todd joined in on
that discussion. “Just don’t forget the condoms. New ones are more effective, Spencer.”

“I don’t want to
go out with anyone else yet.” I told them. I really didn’t want to think about
sleeping with anyone else. I know that guys did that, went out and slept with
the first girl they could find after a breakup just to heal faster. I couldn’t
do it. I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. I thought about Taylor and how she was
on the pill now. I wondered if she was sleeping with other guys now.

It was hard to
even talk to other girls at school still. They were much friendlier now though.
I didn’t know why.

“Then go out with
the guys. Go to those parties that you used to always go to with Zane.”

“Maybe.” I told
them.

The next day was
Friday. There would be a party. There was always a party on Friday. I’d hitch a
ride with Zane and drive him to my house, just like we used to. It was pretty
fun. I stood around and talked to Zane, Dwayne, and Kyle for a while, until
they went off with their girlfriends, then I was left alone. Ryan had been
dating Shelly for awhile now. He and Shelly were off somewhere too. I walked
around to look for someone else to talk to.

A couple of girls
came up to me and asked me to go check out the dunes with them. I got the
feeling they were asking for more than a tour though. I didn’t want more. I
wasn’t ready to even touch another girl yet. All I could think about was Taylor
and how we used to come to these parties together and make out in her car. Maybe
it wasn’t a good idea to come here.

I was about to
step into Zane’s car to be alone when Dale came up to me, holding a beer. “Hey
do you want a beer?” he asked me. He was a really friendly guy, who talked to
everyone. He never met a stranger. No wonder he and Taylor got along so well.

“No thanks.” I
said to him. I didn’t want to talk to him. He’d gone out with Taylor last year
or the year before. I wasn’t sure which, but that was reason enough for me to
hate him.

“Hey. Where’s
Taylor? I thought you two were inseparable.”

“She moved to
Phoenix or California one.” I told him. I didn’t want to tell him that we’d
broken up. He was probably the only person at the party who didn’t know. He
wasn’t in school any longer. He graduated last year. That’s probably why he
wasn’t in the gossip loop.

“Oh that’s why I
keep seeing her up there.” He said as if he’d just computed something.

“You keep seeing
her?” I asked him quickly. “Where?”

“In Alpha Beta
once. And, at Denny’s once. I work up on Camelback right now. I work in
construction, and we’re working on the new shopping center up there. I’ve seen
her there a few times. She drives a yellow Hummer now. A far cry from the
Mustang she drove for the last couple of years.”

I shook my head.
He was drunk. He was a drunk and I was stupid enough to be listening to him.
“She doesn’t drive a Hummer.” I told him.

“Yes she does.
She showed it to me, inside and out. Those things have really cool four wheel
drive.”

“You’re sure it
was Taylor?” I asked him.

He nodded. “I’m
sure. I know her pretty well. We were good friends. I don’t know if she told
you, but we dated last year.”

“She told me.” I
told him.

Zane found me,
looking for his ride home. I told him what Dale said, with Dale standing right
next to us.

“No way! Taylor
would never drive a Hummer. She needed a cool car.” Zane said to him, almost
trying to start a fight.

“I
know
Taylor. I went out with her for more than ten minutes, dude.” He told Zane.

Apparently that
was a sore spot with Zane. He grabbed Dale’s shirt and started to deck him. I
caught his hand and restrained him. “Zane, let’s go home.”

Dale looked happy
that I’d intercepted the punch. Zane was drunk. He’d thank me tomorrow.

The next day I
asked Zane about it again when he was sober.

“I don’t know.
Nothing makes sense about her leaving, or breaking up with you. At least she
gave me a decent excuse. Some best friend she turned out to be. Best friends
don’t block my calls. She still has me blocked. What kind of friend does that?”
Zane asked, his voice full of self pity. I knew that sound too well.

She’d told him
that they were better off as friends and she didn’t want to lose him as a best
friend.  I wondered if that was an actual excuse and not something she made up
now. At least she didn’t lead him on for five months and have sex with him,
then tell him it was over. I hated that I couldn’t figure out what the hell
went wrong. I wished I’d asked when she took me back to the hotel the last
time, but all I could think about that day was getting her to stay. She was
probably having sex with some guy she met in Phoenix at her new school.

“Gordon.” I
yelled to my cousin, trying to drag him out of the arcade. He loved this place.
“Come on!”

Gordon was
sixteen, the oldest of five boys in the Lopez family. My aunt Bridget married a
Mexican guy and had five sons. They all looked really Mexican, even though they
were half white.

“Coming! Hell.
Hold your horses! You’re not having that baby right now.”

“My show is
coming on. You guys don’t have DVR so I can tape it.” I complained to him. I’d
moved in with my aunt right after I broke up with Spencer. She’d taken me in
when my parents kicked me out. I felt like such a loser. My mom and dad refused
to talk to me even. My aunt thought I was getting a raw deal, so she said she’d
help me out any way she could.

Spencer didn’t
know about the baby. I didn’t tell him. Every time we’d had sex, he started it
with the birth control lecture, telling me how a baby would ruin our lives. I
didn’t want to ruin his life. I could do this on my own. In a few months, I’d
be eighteen and I could get all of my money legally instead of having to beg my
parents every time I spent over five hundred dollars. I was thinking about
moving to California with my other aunt who lived in El Cajon then. I’d raise
this baby on my own and not ruin anyone’s life.

I agreed to buy
groceries to pay rent to Aunt Bridget. I could do that and keep under my five
hundred dollar limit. But boy these boys ate like food was going out of style.
I couldn’t wait to turn eighteen. I could go live in another hotel, but I
really liked having family around. Bridget was a wealth of information when it
came to pregnancy stuff. She’d had five boys. My baby was supposed to be a girl
though. That’s what the doctor said at the last ultrasound anywhere.

I was used to the
noise caused by such a big family. I sat my big fat ass on the couch and
watched my favorite show. My stomach was getting really big. I had to buy
maternity clothes already. Bridget said it was because I was so short. I’d
hidden my pregnancy even from Spencer for the first three months, maybe a
little longer. I think I got pregnant that first time we almost had sex. That’s
the only time we ever even came close to having unprotected sex. So it was my
fault, because I was the one that jumped on him that night.