Spice (17 page)

Surrendering, Nadia closed her eyes and held on to him as tightly as she dared. She knew in that moment that Kane meant what he said. She also knew it was a promise he wouldn't be able to keep.

A
long while later, Nadia helped Audie into her condo. Audie had refused to stay overnight for observation at the hospital, and Nadia had volunteered to monitor her until morning. She hadn't said much since she'd been released, just a quiet thank-you to Kane when he'd dropped them off out front. Nadia could almost envy her friend's numb detachment if not for the price Audie had paid.

“Why didn't you want me to call Siobhan or Vanessa?” Nadia asked as they slowly mounted the stairs to the bedroom.

Audie sighed. “Come on, Nadia. You know why.”

“I guess it's because you don't want them to know what happened to you. But come on, Audie, they're going to see you. They're going to find out. I won't lie to our friends. That's not how Bitch Talk works.”

Audie straightened with an effort, away from Nadia's support. “I don't need to be bitched at, and I sure as hell don't need to see their pity. I'm the fuckup of the group and we all know it. Well, Vanessa and I were running neck and neck there for a second but tonight is the icing on the cake. Yay me. Can I have a judgment-free pass as my prize?”

“None of us judge you,” Nadia denied as she opened the door to her guest bedroom, wondering what Audie meant with her comment about Vanessa, then deciding not to worry about it. At least the room was clean and the bed made. With her dads within an easy drive and friends who liked to crash, Nadia always kept it ready.

“Yeah, right.” Audie shuffled toward the bed. “The only reason they tolerate me is because of you.”

The accusation stung. “You know that isn't true!”

“Ask them if you don't believe me. You'll see.” Audie stopped before she reached the bed, teetering. “God, I need a shower.”

“Of course.” Grateful for the change of subject, Nadia dropped Audie's oversized tote bag down on the queen-sized bed, then forced a cheery tone into her voice. “I packed you a sleep shirt, a change of clothes, and some underwear. Do you need help?”

Audie stiffened. “No.”

The dismissive tone slapped at Nadia. “Okay then. Towels and washcloths are in the linen closet next to the bathroom, and so is the stash of extra toothbrushes. I'll go make you something to eat while you get cleaned up.”

She retreated to her kitchen, her mind reeling. Surely Audie didn't believe half of what she'd said. Audie had to be mentally and physically exhausted after her ordeal, dealing with the police and her hospital visit. After food and rest, Audie would be good as new, and hopefully ready to make changes in her life.

Nadia loaded a tray with soup, crackers, a sandwich, and fruit then returned to the bedroom. Audie was already there, a bottle of pills in her hand, looking young and vulnerable with her auburn hair pulled back in a damp ponytail, her bruises standing out in stark relief on her pale skin.

“I didn't know how hungry you were, so I brought different things,” she said, placing the tray on the nightstand. “The soup's just a vegetable broth if that's all you can stomach right now. And the fruit is melon, so it hopefully won't be too much trouble for your lip.”

“You didn't have to go through so much trouble.” Audie slid beneath the sheets. “I appreciate it.”

“It's not any trouble.” Nadia added pillows to support Audie as she leaned against the headboard, then settled the tray across her lap before settling in a side chair.

Audie lifted the soup to her mouth, careful of her busted lip. “Was your professor upset that you had to stop your sexy-times for me?”

Heat suffused Nadia's cheeks. “We were asleep, and no, he wasn't upset. He wanted to help.”

“Of course.” Audie's smile managed to look sad and condescending. “You're so nice, Nadia. You're more of a sister to me than my sisters ever were. Maybe that's the problem.”

Confusion and concern swamped Nadia. Audie wasn't acting like herself, not really. She was always snarky, but this . . . this had an edge to it, and Nadia was the one receiving the cuts. “What's going on with you? Why in the world would you go to Miller's by yourself? You know what kind of place that is.”

“Of course I know what kind of place Miller's is. That's why I went.”

“Audie . . .”

“Don't you ‘Audie' me.” She put the empty soup mug down. “We can't all be perfect like you, Nadia, with the perfect career, the perfect life, the perfect boyfriend.”

Nadia shook her head in disbelief or denial, she wasn't sure which. “I'm not perfect, Audie. Far from it. You know that.”

“Yes, you are,” the redhead insisted. “You stopped using drugs. You got clean. You opened your own business. You're in a real, live relationship with the most eligible bachelor in town, who's so into you he can't see anybody else, even if it's because you're not giving him the real you. You're getting your shit together. I'm still wallowing in mine.”

“I'm still a work in progress, Audie,” Nadia said with a calm she didn't feel. “We all are. I've come a long way from my rock bottom, but I'm not done putting myself back together. I think what happened tonight is your rock bottom, or at least you should let it be.”

“Why should I? Maybe I like where I am. Maybe I like my shitty life just the way it is. Have you ever considered that?”

“If you did, I don't think you would have accepted Sally Jensen's help at the hospital. She can help you, Audie. You just have to want the help.”

“I don't need you to preach to me, Nadia. Just because you're in a perfect place doesn't mean you get to be all high and mighty.”

Nadia sucked in a wavering breath. “You . . . you can't mean what you're saying. The drugs they gave you . . .” Except she knew firsthand the drugs didn't change you, they just made it easier for you to be what you really were.

“Oh, I mean it all right. I'm so fucking jealous of you that it hurts.” Audie smiled bitterly. “And I hate it that I'm jealous of you. It almost makes me hate you. But I don't. Do you know why? Because I can't figure out why a professor like Sullivan is taking a risk by being with you. Maybe it's because you've got him fooled. Maybe you haven't told him everything that happened when you were an addict. But it doesn't matter. One day you're going to crash and burn again. Every addict does. Siobhan's been through twice. Vanessa's probably on her way. When the professor discovers the real you he'll take off and then you'll be right back down here in the filth with me with nothing and no one.”

Nadia shot to her feet, anger and hurt battling for territory inside her. “That's not fair, Audie.”

“So what? Life's not fair. If it was, then all those years that I towed the line and tried to be a good daughter despite my genes would have paid off for me. They didn't. So why should I bother? Why should I change my ways? It's not going to make a damn bit of difference.”

“Of course it's going to make a difference,” Nadia insisted, the throat tightening. “It already has. You were in the process of getting your life on track, Audie. We all know that. We've seen it and we've been behind you a thousand percent. Even when you falter.”

She folded her arms across her chest, tears threatening to choke her. “But it's hard, Audie. It's hard for us to watch how little you care about yourself when we love you and want the best for you.”

“Words. They're so easy for you to say because of where you are right now.” Audie moved the tray off her legs. “Maybe the best thing for me is to not have to try living up to an impossible goal just because you want me to be acceptable. I really, really hope that you can keep living the good life, even though we both know that you and I are good-time girls, not long-term women. I hope your business keeps going and I hope the professor keeps forgetting that you're an addict. I hope you enjoy where you are and who you're with while you can. Most of all, I hope you never ever end up down in the shit with me.”

“Audie,” Nadia whispered, her chest so tight with pain she couldn't breathe. She reached out, but Audie rolled over, turning her back.

Shell-shocked, Nadia picked up the tray and left Audie's room on unstable legs. She made her way back downstairs and to the kitchen, her hands trembling so violently that she had to fight to keep the tray balanced. White noise filled her mind as she cleaned up on autopilot, the routine of restoring her kitchen to order failing to soothe her.

Weary but too heartsick to go to bed, she crossed to her living room and threw herself down on the sofa as the white noise erupted into blinding pain. She rubbed at her chest, but that did nothing to ease her pain and disbelief. How could Audie have said such horrible things to her? Did she actually believe the things she'd said, or were they a product of her embarrassment or the drugs she'd been given?

She leaned back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. No, painkillers didn't invent new emotions. They just amplified what was already there by lowering your inhibitions and numbing the emotional and social filters that made you care about the consequences of your words and actions.

So Audie was jealous of her. Had that jealousy driven her to go to Miller's looking for yet another random hookup as a substitute for having a real relationship? If that was what jealousy did, what would hatred make her do?

Yet despite everything, Nadia still cared. She still cared about what happened to Audie. As much as she was sad for her friend, she fervently hoped this was the wake-up call Audie needed to get her life back on track. She didn't want to think about what could happen if Audie pushed herself even further into dangerous territory.

Knowing all of that did nothing to ease her hurt. Audie had deliberately said those things to wound her, to wound their friendship. Now she had the luxury of sleeping away the after-effects of her harsh words thanks to a little pill while Nadia had to feel all of it.

She closed her eyes and curled her hands into fists as the old need rose, the need to be numb, the need to forget, to put off facing everything and everyone for a few hours of insensate bliss. To put four or five or eight pills on her tongue for that first bitter taste before she chugged them down with a generous cup of vodka and waited for the sweet nothing. Audie wouldn't even know some of her pills were missing. . . .

No
. Her eyes flew open as she cast about for something to keep her anchored, to keep her from sneaking upstairs and pilfering one her friend's pills. Her gaze fell to her phone lying on the coffee table. She snatched it up, then hesitated. She'd promised she wouldn't call Siobhan or Vanessa, but Siobhan was the reason she'd made it through rehab. Siobhan would help her right her keel, but she'd also be furious with Audie. Nadia couldn't handle another emotional outburst at that moment.

She could call Kane.

Indecision raked her. She'd tried to push Kane away earlier, but he'd refused to go. Did she dare expose him further to the sudden mess her life had become? He'd already seen plenty, and she still hadn't shared everything with him yet. Was Audie right, and Kane would cut and run if he knew everything about her life as an addict?

No, she didn't believe that. She wouldn't believe that. He'd been protective and supportive from the moment Audie had called. He'd contacted a counselor. He wouldn't do all that then turn around and abandon her. He wouldn't.

Hope and dread mixed inside her as she sent a tentative text to Kane, not expecting him to respond.
Hey.

Hey yourself. How's Audie doing?

Thank God. Nadia clutched the phone to her chest for a moment, so relieved that he was still awake and willing to reach out to her. She wanted to call him, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to get more than a couple of words out without crumbling into an emotional heap.
She's asleep right now. Don't know what morning will bring.

Morning brings another day, another chance to do the right thing, and that's what's important. How are you?

Not good,
she answered honestly.

Do you need me?

Maybe she didn't want to need him, but that didn't make the need go away. She didn't want to be by herself, not when she was feeling so alone. Kane could at least banish that abandoned feeling, and perhaps the other need would slide back into the dark recesses where it belonged.
Yes.

A brief pause, then:
I'll be there in five minutes.

Her hands shook anew. Five minutes? If he was that close, that meant he hadn't gone home. It took five minutes to get to her door from the parking deck.

With her lungs threatening to burst as they searched for air, Nadia dropped the phone on the couch then surged to her feet. Her body seemed unwilling to help her cross the long distance, unwilling to fumble open the locks. She flung open the door, then stopped.