Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers (8 page)

Herb and his wife, Emily, did not have enough energy for more
than one outing each week. Two fellow board members offered to
drive Herb to the monthly board meetings, but they became discouraged after one attempt. Herb weighed 285 pounds and
needed assistance transferring to his wheelchair. One board member wrenched his back on the first try. They feared injuring Herb
or themselves further.

Eventually Herb stopped attending church completely. Emily
did not like sitting alone during the worship services, so she
stayed home with Herb, watching a worship service on television.
Since Herb had attended church after his injury, most church
members decided that Herb was not a "real" shut-in, so the cards,
visits and offers of support ended. Gradually, Herb and Emily
faded from the life of the church entirely.

The choir missed Herb, though, and wanted to include him in
their fellowship. At Christmas time they visited him as a group to
sing carols, bringing refreshments for an impromptu party. Both
Herb and the choir were thrilled by the time together. The following Christmas they visited again-but Herb's condition had deteriorated. Surgery to correct his problem had resulted in a stroke
from an embolus to his brain, leaving him paralyzed and unable to
speak. Herb no longer seemed like himself. Most choir members
felt uncomfortable with him. They decided to discontinue the tradition.

Illness changes a person's status in the worshiping community.
When people can no longer attend worship services and church
functions, they may quickly become isolated from the rest of the
congregation. First Corinthians 12 reminds us that we are a body,
and we need to look after our weaker parts:

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again
the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, the
members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and
those members of the body that we think less honorable we clothe
with greater honor, and our less respectable members are treated
with greater respect; whereas our more respectable members do
not need this. But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater
honor to the inferior member, that there may be no dissension
within the body, but the members may have the same care for one
another. If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one
member is honored, all rejoice together with it. (1 Cor 12:21-26)

What are some practical ways in which Herb's church could have
reached out to include and honor him? Complicated, strenuous
wheelchair transfers, lugging heavy equipment and the sheer
energy required for Herb to get to worship services probably
ruled out regular attendance, even with help from others in the
church; however, the church could come to Herb.

The choir made a noble effort, but once-a-year choir parties are
not the same as regular worship. Many churches audio- or videotape their services, training volunteers who deliver the tapes to the
homebound in how to meet the spiritual needs of those they visit.
Some may view the tapes with the family they are visiting, singing
the hymns (remember to bring hymnals or song sheets) and even
providing communion. Others will stay to talk briefly, offer a
prayer and inquire about any help needed, then return later in the
week to pick up the tape and visit again.

Perhaps the board could have come to Herb as well, transferring the monthly meetings to his home during the rest of his term
as a board member.

Some homebound members can still participate in the regular
life of the church by phone. One of my favorite examples is my friend Margaret. A faithful member of the women's Bible study,
she desperately missed the fellowship after she became homebound following a serious illness. One day the pastor suggested
that Margaret could help by calling ushers, greeters, readers and
other volunteers to remind them of their duties each week. For
three years I received cheery phone calls beginning with "What's
up?" every time I had a Sunday morning responsibility. Margaret
remained actively involved with the daily life of the congregation
until the day of her death.

Fellowship is essential for a vibrant faith. I remember once
hearing a beautiful illustration of this truth. A pastor was visiting
a crusty old member who insisted that he could worship God in
his back woods better than by sitting with all the hypocrites in
church. The pastor looked into the glowing embers in the fireplace
and thought briefly. Then he slowly took the tongs and lifted one
coal from the rest, laying it on the hearth. He said nothing, as the
two watched the single coal grow cold and gray. The man was in
church the following Sunday.

Hebrews puts it this way:

Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for
he who has promised is faithful. And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet
together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and
all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Heb 10:23-25)

However, merely physically connecting people to the worshiping
community may not be enough. Less debilitating conditions,
which may not prevent a person from attending church functions,
may separate them emotionally and spiritually from others who
appear to be healthy and trouble-free. The church needs to
"rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (Rom 12:15). In order to do that, we need to develop skills to recognize
who is rejoicing and who is weeping.

Alice came to Carrie, the parish nurse at her church, to have
her blood pressure checked. Carrie noted that this was Alice's first
visit, so she asked if anything in particular brought her. Alice
seemed relieved to have the opportunity to talk. She began, "Well,
I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, but my doctor
told me I have diabetes, and it can affect my blood pressure, heart
and kidneys-and I could even go blind. I'm so scared!"

Carrie listened carefully to Alice, asking her to explain further.
Alice described how alone she felt. She was trying hard to stick to
her diabetic diet and had lost fifteen pounds already, but her husband complained that he liked her chubby. He constantly tempted
her with ice cream and potato chips. Her friends told her she
looked sick after losing the weight, because her clothes were now
too big for her. At first she asked to be on the church prayer list,
but so many people asked her embarrassing, intrusive questions
that she asked to be removed. Her blood sugar was now controlled by diet alone, so her friends and family considered her
cured. She finally decided this was a battle she would have to fight
alone, but that was a painful choice.

At Carrie's suggestion, Alice began attending the monthly healing services at church. Having the opportunity to come forward
for prayer in a smaller, more intimate service helped her to commit
her fears to the Lord. She not only gained the strength to maintain
her diabetic diet but also began teaching Sunday school and serving in various volunteer roles in the church. Her whole affect
changed dramatically.

Barry also suffered silently. A hard-driving executive, accustomed to being in control of every situation, he was diagnosed
with prostate cancer. Although he attended church regularly, up until this point in his life he had never felt the need to depend
upon God or other people for anything. Suddenly he felt helpless,
fearful and ashamed, but he did not know how to reach out. Turning to God now seemed hypocritical. However, when his name
was included in the intercessions during a Sunday worship service, he wept openly.

Everything in our culture drives us toward self-sufficiency and
personal independence. The media, health care, educational institutions, our child-rearing practices and our common ethical values
regard autonomy as the primary goal of maturity and a basic
human right. However, that standard only works as long as we are
healthy, young, affluent and relatively intelligent. Most ethicists
would tick off autonomy, along with beneficence, nonmaleficence
and justice as unquestioned standards of ethical behavior. However, the Bible paints a different picture.

The Hebrew community of the Old Testament, which was
clearly reflected in the life and teachings of Jesus, held shalom as
their central operational value. We touched briefly on this concept
in chapter one, but it bears further discussion. Shalom is seen in a
God-centered community in which people relate to one another
with faithfulness, integrity, mutual respect and affection. It
includes peace, prosperity, rest, safety, security, justice, happiness,
health, welfare and wholeness of life. The individual within the
community works toward shalom through.edeq, Hebrew for righteousness.

Although this righteousness was codified into the Law of
Moses, summarized in the Ten Commandments, it is more than a
legalistic standard. Sedeq is essentially any action that facilitates
shalom. To the Hebrew community, righteousness was always connected with delivering, saving and restoring. A righteous person
was one who had experienced God's restoration and deliverance, not necessarily one who simply followed the rules. In this context,
Jesus summarized the law, God's standard of righteousness, in
terms of relationship: "'You shall love the Lord your God with all
your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is
the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: 'You
shall love your neighbor as yourself"' (Mt 22:37-39).

Examining the New Testament from this perspective gives us
new insights into how the church should function in the world.
Jesus told his disciples, "By this everyone will know that you are
my disciples, if you have love for one another" (Jn 13:35). That
love is demonstrated throughout the New Testament. It includes
teaching, healing and caring for one another through illness,
adversity, interpersonal conflicts, moral lapses and the whole
gamut of human frailties. The church is never presented as a picture of perfection but as a struggling community characterized by
commitment to Jesus Christ and to one another, as well as to a
deep desire to spread the good news of salvation.

What would a church look like in today's culture if we were to
make shalom our primary aim? First, it would require us to reorder our values--to put one another and our life together as a community before our personal quests for power, prestige, wealth and
possessions. Second, we would have to drop our facades of independence and self-sufficiency to be vulnerable to one another and
support one another in weakness. Third, we would begin to notice
the weak and suffering within the church community and to care
for them lovingly. Finally, we would reach out in love to the
broader community. Let's consider some practical ways we can
begin to make those changes.

1. Reordering our values. "I'd love to help, but I'm just so busy right now!" How many times have you heard this excuse for not
getting involved in a particular ministry opportunity? How often
have you used it yourself? We are so absorbed in the importance
of what we are doing that we seldom take the time to pull back
and ask God where we should be investing our time and energy.
No one can do everything. We are constantly bombarded with the
maxim, "You've just got to learn how to say no!" However, as
Christians, our first concern needs to be where we should say yes.
When we spend regular time in prayer, meditation and Bible
study, as well as periodic times of extended retreat, it becomes
much easier to sort through the vast array of opportunities and
seek God's direction.

For example, Irene worried constantly about her future. As a
single woman in her mid-forties, she felt that she had to carefully
prepare for her retirement. After all, she had no one else to take
care of her. She worked long hours, with frequent business trips,
in a job she hated. The salary and benefits seemed too good to
relinquish. Although she attended church faithfully when she was
home, she had little time to become involved in other church activities or ministry opportunities. Frequent promotions increased her
self-esteem but further impinged on her personal time. Then her
father died suddenly of a heart attack. Soon afterward her mother
was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. 'Alen it became apparent that her mother could no longer function at home alone, Irene
returned to her parents' home for a two-week visit to assess the
situation. She investigated nursing homes in the area, but she also
spent a great deal of time reading about Alzheimer's disease,
studying her Bible and praying. She also began reconnecting with
old friends and her former church community.

With time to reflect in this setting, Irene found her values
beginning to shift. She discovered that she had not been trusting God to provide for her needs. In the process, she had ignored the
needs of her family and friends. She decided to take a step of
faith--quit her job, and move home to care for her mother. Eventually she organized an Alzheimer's support group in the church.
It grew to a network of support groups in her metropolitan area.
After her mother's death four years later, Irene's involvement with
families caring for victims of Alzheimer's disease grew to a fulltime ministry. Although the job paid far less than her high-powered position in industry, the rewards were much greater, and she
knew God would care for her needs.

Irene's decision may seem drastic. Obviously we can't all quit
our jobs to care for aging parents, much less to do full-time Christian ministry. However, we can learn from her example to seek
God's direction for our lives and for the time he gives us, so that
we can work for shalom.

2. Reordering our lives: A guided personal retreat. The prophet Jeremiah offers us some clear direction in sorting through our values
and priorities. Take a day when you can go off to a quiet place by
yourself to seek the Lord's leading for your life. Allow at least four
hours for your retreat. Take along a Bible, hymnal, pen and paper,
and a lunch. Begin by committing your time to the Lord. Sing a
hymn or two. Next, read Jeremiah 29:1-14, a message to people
who were living as captives in Babylon, then meditate on verses
10-14 using the following suggestions.