Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers (11 page)

A caregiver with a healthy humility approaches needy people
expecting to learn from them. If we think we know all there is to
know about another person, we will not be able to care compassionately. We already have the person figured out so our interaction with him will only serve to substantiate our previous
conclusions. Thus we treat the person merely as an intellectual
challenge rather than as someone to be known and respected.

Humility allows those in our care to be themselves. We care for
them because of their intrinsic worth, not because they meet our
needs or society's needs. Humility demands that we give the same
level of grace and understanding to each person in our care,
regardless of the person's moral standards, socioeconomic level or
physical and mental condition.

Humility enables us to be ourselves. If we have no pretensions,
we are not humiliated when others see us as we truly are, for the
image we project is our real self. We are free to rejoice with those
who rejoice and weep with those who weep. We are able to
become involved with those in our care and freely admit that we
are as incurably human as they are.

Bev learned humility the hard way. Assigned to care for Martha, a young woman with AIDS, she resented the potential danger
this woman posed to her own health. She spent as little time as
possible with Martha and usually entered the room with a chip on
her shoulder. Bev assumed that Martha had contracted HIV
through intravenous drug use or sexual contact and inwardly felt
she deserved what she got. Finally Martha apologized, "I'm so
sorry I cause you all this trouble," and began to cry. Bev started to
toss off a curt reply, when something stopped her. She apologized
for her attitude and sat down with Martha.

As they talked, Martha shared her story. She had been married
to a man who lived a double life. Bob was bisexual. He maintained
the image of a loving husband and father while visiting gay bars
on the sly. He contracted the AIDS virus from his homosexual
contacts and brought it home to Martha, then left her for a male
lover. Bob was also dying of AIDS. Bev learned to weep and
rejoice with Martha, realizing she could easily have been in the
same situation.

Finally, if we are to offer compassionate presence, a degree of
commitment is required. Commitment is a willingness on our part
to share in the solitude, anxiety, suffering and grief of those in our
care. When we offer compassionate presence to another, we have
communicated a deep degree of commitment to that person by the nature of our involvement. We must be willing to continue that
level of relationship as long as the person needs spiritual support.

That level of commitment is not easy, especially in chronic illness or long-term emotional problems. When Isabel, Lou's wife of
forty-three years, died of cancer, members of his church rallied to
provide food and frequent visits. They expected Lou to snap out
of his grief in a few months, but he didn't. Instead, he turned
inward, stopped attending church and rarely went out in public.
He was angry at God for taking Isabel from him, and the anger
spilled over toward anyone who visited. Most of the church visitors gradually stopped coming.

But Tom stuck with Lou. He visited several times a week, took
Lou out to lunch, encouraged him to see his doctor and drove him
to the appointments. They spent hours in silence together. At
times Tom would simply bring paperwork to do at Lou's house.
Occasionally Tom would offer to pray or share a passage of Scripture that had struck him personally, but most of the time he just
stayed with Lou. Eventually Lou began to pour out his anger at
God, his loneliness and his deep sense of loss. Tom listened and
continued to offer his friendship. When Lou finally came out of
his depression two years later, he credited Tom with saving his
life.

To turn away from a person after beginning to intervene spiritually can be compared to a lifeguard's saying to a nonswimmer,
"Come on into the water; it's safe-I'll hold you up," and then
deciding to take his lunch break as the person takes his first tentative steps into the water. The emotional energy expended by a
hurting person who begins to express his spiritual needs can be
great. He may have had to overcome tremendous emotional barriers to open himself to another person on such a deep level. If we
then refuse to continue our involvement, the person may hesitate to mention his spiritual needs again, just as the nonswimmer may
develop a fear of the water after the lifeguard disappoints him.
Commitment means dealing responsibly and compassionately for
the long term.

Ultimately, commitment is the reflection of God's relationship
with us. When we meet spiritual needs through compassionate
presence, we often represent God to the other person. Our commitment or lack of commitment may determine a person's perception of God's love. For that reason, compassionate presence alone
is insufficient for meeting spiritual needs. Our goal in spiritual
care is to assist others in establishing and maintaining a dynamic
personal relationship with God. Our aim is to direct their dependence toward God rather than ourselves. To do so, we need other
resources beyond compassionate presence. Prayer, Scripture, corporate worship and participation in the full life of the church will
place the focus on God as the true source of strength and healing.

Krista volunteered as a parish nurse in her congregation, but soon
she found herself stretched for time and patience. Anna challenged her almost to the breaking point. Anna came regularly for
blood-pressure checks. She usually unloaded a long list of seemingly trivial physical complaints as well as general fears and anxieties in regard to her family. Recently Anna had begun calling
Krista every time she felt another problem coming on, usually just
as Krista was trying to put her toddlers to bed. Krista felt torn
between her children and Anna.

Finally, Krista told Anna that she could call her only once a
week. They set a mutually convenient time. Krista limited the calls
to ten minutes, explaining to Anna that this would be best for both
of them. These boundaries helped wean Anna from overdepen- dency-and helped keep Krista sane!

Commitment means keeping your promises and sticking with
someone when the going gets tough (or tiresome), but it does not
mean giving up all your personal boundaries. Even Jesus did not
allow the needs of those around him to consume all his time and
energy. Consider the following incident in his ministry:

In the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out
to a deserted place, and there he prayed. And Simon and his companions hunted for him. When they found him, they said to him,
"Everyone is searching foryou." He answered, "Let us go on to the
neighboring towns, so that I may proclaim the message there also;
for that is what I came out to do." And he went throughout Galilee,
proclaiming the message in their synagogues and casting out
demons. (Mk 1:35-39)

We can draw some important principles from Jesus' example.
First, he had a clear sense of priorities. His relationship with his
Father came first. In that quiet time of prayer, he could draw
strength and direction for his ministry. That gave him confidence
and boldness to say no in order to say yes to what was most
important. Anytime we begin to feel as if there is not enough time
in the day to set aside a leisurely period for personal devotions, we
can be pretty sure that we have taken on too many responsibilities.

Second, because Jesus gained his perspective from God, his
actions were not based only on the demands of either his friends
or those in need. Jesus did not heal everyone; he kept his overall
purposes clear and could move on, even in the face of overwhelming need, to accomplish what his Father directed him to do. Any
caring ministry can quickly become all-consuming. We will
always see more needs than we are personally able to meet. Often
those needs will make conflicting demands on our time. Some, times Jesus handled the burden by delegating responsibility to
others (Lk 10:1), sometimes he told people they were coming to
him for the wrong things and sent them away (Jn 6:26), and
numerous other times he simply left the crowds to go off alone to
rest and pray (Mt 14:22-23; Lk 5:16; Jn 4:6).

Setting limits will almost always be difficult. You will receive
unsolicited advice and criticism of your choices. But if our compassionate presence is to remain compassionate, we cannot exceed
our personal resources in meeting the needs of others. If we do,
we will eventually have nothing left to give.

0 ur church's prayer mini.itry has become its greatest evangelism
program. No one planned it that way, but word spread throughout the community that our church prays. We receive calls from
people with no formal church connections, asking for prayer.
Total strangers come up to our members, asking if we will put
their suffering family members on our prayer list. Often, when
their prayers are answered as they hoped, those who made the
requests attend worship services, giving God-and the prayers of
the congregation -credit for their improved health.

To many people, prayer is a way of manipulating God into
doing what they want. If their prayers aren't answered as they
desire, they may become disillusioned and lose confidence in God.
If prayer is answered according to their expectations, they feel
good about God. However, true prayer is not a token in the heavenly vending machine. Prayer is an intimate conversation between a person and God. It is our response to God's initiative. Prayer
recognizes our human limitations and our need for God. In many
ways, it is a move out of the confusion of our situation toward a
mature and steady hope. True prayer is a dialogue in which we
open ourselves to God's will and direction, as well as communicating our requests, thoughts and feelings to God.

In a dynamic personal relationship with God, prayer serves as
the vital lifeline in that relationship. Through prayer we receive
perspective, power and the assurance of God's presence with us.
The life and teachings of Jesus give us insight into the importance
and meaning of prayer. He took time out of a busy schedule to be
alone and pray (Mt 14:23). He shared his personal agony with
God the Father in prayer (Mt 26:39). He interceded on behalf of
those he loved (Jn 17). He also prayed for his enemies, as he
taught his disciples to do (Lk 23:34). He taught about God's generosity in response to prayer (Mt 7:7-11), about the importance of
coming to God humbly and simply (Mt 8:1-13), and about the
power of praying in unity with others (Mt 18:19-20). In the Acts
of the Apostles and the New Testament letters, we get a glimpse of
the importance of prayer to early Christians. We see prayer as a
dynamic link with a powerful and personal God. Prayer is vital to
the spiritual life of Christians.

Illness and crisis can create a barrier to personal prayer because
the sick person's ability to sense God's presence may become
clouded by the intensity of the problems. Consider Jerry Wells, a
twenty-nine-year-old truck driver who was hospitalized with spinal injuries from an automobile accident. It was his second serious
accident in six months. He had been active in church prior to this
hospitalization, but when a nurse told him about the closed-circuit TV chapel services on Sunday morning, he replied, "I don't think
the Man Upstairs likes me anymore. We don't seem to be on
speaking terms."

Jerry's reaction is not unusual. Mary Gowen, a twenty-fiveyear-old director of Christian education, became severely affected
with colitis. She wrote in her diary, "My prayers don't seem to be
getting through. I feel so selfish. I just keep dwelling on myself
and praying for God to heal me. I can't seem to get beyond this
point. I know God hears other people's prayers, but he doesn't
seem to hear me."

Sarah Johnson had a similar response. A sixty-nine-year-old
grandmother who had always had a deep faith, she confessed to a
parish nurse, "God seems so far away right now. I don't understand it, but I can't seem to pray anymore."

Illness and suffering often disrupt a person's ability to pray. The
normal stages of grief affect a person's relationship with God, as
well as relationships with other people. Jerry Wells may feel God
does not hear, does not care or does not know about his concerns.
He may blame God for his accident and be angry toward Godand then feel guilt over his anger. He may try to bargain with God
and then give up in despair. He may be so overwhelmed by his
present situation that he thinks no one, including God, can help
him. In any case, Jerry, Mary and Sarah feel they are not getting
through to God.

Figure 3 provides a picture of these dynamics. The dotted lines
indicate the reality of the relationships. The woman in the wheelchair has a relationship with God, but her illness hangs like a
cloud, making God seem distant and unconcerned. However, she
can see the nurse's presence and sense her compassion. She communicates easily with her. She also senses that the nurse has a
strong faith relationship with God. She knows that God listens to this nurse. When the nurse prays for her, she feels that God hears
her concerns. The nurse's praying aloud with Sarah assures Sarah
that the prayers will be heard.