Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers (13 page)

At other times, you may feel unable to pray what a person
would like you to pray. For example, Alma Stanton lay in bed
moaning and grasping the stump where her leg had been amputated. As Megan Hill passed her doorway, Alma called out,
"Nurse, nurse, please pray for me."

Megan entered the room and sat down. "What do you want me
to pray for?"

"Pray that my leg would grow back," Alma replied. What could
Megan say to Mrs. Stanton? If she prayed for Alma as requested, she would reinforce Alma's unrealistic expectations. Prayer would
be reduced to magic. Alma might see God as a genie who grants
wishes. If Alma's leg did not grow back, she might be convinced
that God had failed her and did not really care about her.

Megan could say, "Alma, I can't do that. Both you and I know
that your leg will not grow back." Although this approach is reality-based, it would be treating Alma in a condescending manner.
She might stop communicating her needs altogether. Alma needed
love and support from Megan and from God, not criticism.

A more constructive response would be, "It must really hurt to
lose a leg." Megan would then be giving Alma an opening to talk
about the loss she was experiencing, offering an empathetic ear.
After Alma had had the opportunity to express her concerns
related to the loss of her leg, Megan would be able to pray more
specifically for Alma's needs. How, then, could Megan turn Alma's
magical expectations into an appropriate and compassionate
prayer?

In talking with Alma, Megan found she was afraid of becoming
dependent on her children or being forced to go to a nursing
home. Her progress in physical therapy had been slow. She lived
alone and was not sure she would be able to care for herself. She
was also experiencing phantom pains in her amputated leg, which
made her wonder if she was losing her mind. After talking with
Alma a few minutes, Megan asked, "Why don't we pray about the
things we've been talking about?" Alma agreed. Megan prayed,
"Heavenly Father, thank you that you know Alma and love her
very much. Thank you, too, that you know her needs. Father, you
know how frightened she is right now. Her life seems to be changing so much all at once, and there are so many unknowns. Father,
give her courage and strength. Help her in physical therapy, and
give her confidence as she learns to walk with the artificial leg. Lord, we know that you are in control of Alma's future, and you
will provide for her as she leaves the hospital. Give her your peace
right now. Ease her pain, and let her get some good rest tonight.
Thank you for being with her. In Jesus' name. Amen."

Megan's prayer communicated that God loved Alma, knew her
needs and was present with her. It was specifically related to the
needs Alma expressed, but it did not raise unrealistic expectations.

Prayer is not magic. Prayer is communication in a personal relationship with God. We cannot manipulate God by demanding
unrealistic answers. At what point does it become inappropriate to
ask God for results? How specific can we be with our responses?
Can we ever pray for healing? If so, when?

Perhaps the most helpful guidelines on how to pray come from
a clear understanding of the nature of God's relationship with us.
Communication with our heavenly Father is not unlike talking
with our earthly parents. Because we know our parents well, we
soon learn to anticipate which requests will be granted and which
will not. In a healthy parent-child relationship, the child also
knows his parents love him, even if they do not allow him to do or
have everything he wants. A child comes to his parents for other
reasons besides making requests. He shares his activities and his
dreams. He communicates love and appreciation. He learns to say
thank you.

Prayer involves the same type of interaction as child-parent
communication. God-as-heavenly-Father is a much more mature
view of God than God-as-genie. When we approach God as our
Father in our prayers, we are sharing a mature concept of God
with those with whom we are praying.

The Bible presents God as a loving Father who gives "good things to those who ask him" (Mt 7:11). Included in those good
things is healing. Healing in a biblical sense, however, is more
inclusive than mere physical healing. Health and salvation are
closely related in Scripture. The Hebrew word for salvation may
also be translated "saving health." God is concerned about the
whole person. We are told in the Scriptures to pray for healing
(for example, Jas 5:13-15). Physical healing may result from our
prayers of faith (Lk 8:48; 18:42), but not necessarily (2 Cor 12:8-
9; 1 Tim 5:23; 2 Tim 4:20). God's central concern is that each person live in vital relationship to him.

When we pray with others, we bring comfort and encouragement through supporting the person's relationship with God. We
can also facilitate that relationship by providing assistance with
personal devotions or arranging a visit from a pastor when
desired. Prayer is a vital link with God. We help suffering people
experience God's meaning and purpose, his love and his forgiveness as we pray aloud with them.

Healing services in churches provide another context for healing prayer. Many churches invite people to come forward for
prayer and to be anointed with oil. Other churches provide opportunities for prayer in small groups, or for the pastor or elders to
visit those who are sick or suffering and pray for them. Whether
in a formal church service or in one-to-one conversation, prayer is
the language of family relationship and our expression of belonging to the family of God.

My friend Phyllis suffered severe back pain for years, but suddenly her situation moved from chronic to acute when she began
to lose feeling and function in her legs. When she was hospitalized
for some painful procedures, I agreed to stay with her for a couple
of days. While sitting with Phyllis after the procedure, I worked
on a Bible study on Psalm 66 that I was preparing for a retreat.
Suddenly, several verses jumped out at me:

For you, 0 God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net; you laid burdens on our backs; you let
people ride over our heads; we went through fire and through
water; yet you have brought us out to a spacious place. (Ps
66:10-12)

These verses seemed to be what Phyllis had been experiencing
in her own recent struggle. She had been working toward a major job change when her health problems overwhelmed her.
The burdens on her back were literal, as well as figurative. The
physical pain had become unbearable. Every time she began to
feel a little better, her physicians suggested another test or therapy, each more painful than the previous ones. Her condition
did not improve, yet she faced the heavy demands of her
present job while the increasing responsibilities for her future
direction impinged upon her. She felt that she was letting everyone down.

"Phyllis, listen to this-it sounds like a message just for you!" I
exclaimed. Phyllis listened, still groggy from the anesthetic, concentrating as well as she could. The part about the "spacious
place" caught her attention. Later, she asked me to read it again,
and she clung to those verses as a promise. She shared them with
her colleagues when she finally returned to work, included them
in her letters to others and repeated them often. God spoke
through his Word and gave her hope.

Using Scripture with persons who are ill or facing crisis may
provide hope, strength and peace, but it can also deeply wound or
disillusion. When sharing Scripture, you must choose passages
carefully and share them appropriately. In the story of Job and his
suffering, Job's "comforters" are a good example of sharing Scripture inappropriately.

What did these "comforters" do wrong? First, they came in
with the assumption that anyone who suffered must deserve the
affliction. Second, they never asked Job how he felt, or supported
what resources he had left; they simply condemned him. The
Bible can too easily be used as a club. I have even heard people
quoting Job's friends to sick people, assuming that since those
words are in the Bible, they must be the word of God for those
who suffer.

Peggy felt the full blows of this approach. She was hospitalized for
a severe septicemia complicated by congestive heart failure and
gross obesity, and none of the medical treatments seemed to be
working. Peggy grew increasingly discouraged as she lay listlessly
in her hospital bed. Then one of the nurses popped into her room
carrying a Bible. "I want to read you something, Peggy," she
began, turning to John 14:13-14. "'I will do whatever you ask in
my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my
name you ask me for anything, I will do it."' Then she continued,
"Do you know why you aren't getting any better? You don't have
enough faith! If you had faith, God would heal you."

Peggy did not respond. She felt as if she had been stabbed in
the back. She walked closely with the Lord, but right now she just
couldn't work up any more faith, and she knew in her head that
the nurse's assumption simply was not true. It still hurt to hear
those words, though.

Finally the nurse chirped, "Do you know how many Christian
nurses there are in this hospital?"

Peggy's latent sense of humor rallied as she responded, "Probably one less than you think!"

Just because words are in the Bible does not mean they are
equally appropriate for every situation. The Bible contains stories,
arguments, poems, proverbs, laws, personal correspondence and
rich imagery. Although it is completely inspired by God, it is also a
very human book, written in a historical and social context. Particular sections are directed toward specific situations and cultural
settings. It is a book full of human emotions and failings, as well as
a record of the victory of God in and through his people. While
the Holy Spirit meets us in its pages and changes us, the Bible is
not a magic book that can be used for incantations or healing for- mulas--although people through the centuries have tried to do so.

Jerry Caldwell, a senior seminarian, found himself in deep
trouble one morning when visiting a member of the church where
he was assigned. A severe diabetic, Ethel was recuperating from a
below-the-knee amputation. Jerry offered to read a passage of
Scripture to Ethel, indiscriminately choosing Psalm 121. As he
read verse 3, he choked on his own words, "He will not let your
foot be moved." Ethel sat up indignantly, remarking, "Well, he
certainly didn't keep his promise this time, did he?"

A final caution in choosing Bible verses is to avoid using your
favorite verses as pat answers. Romans 8:28 is probably the most
abused passage in this regard: "We know that all things work
together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." As Dan replied after hearing this verse quoted
too many times, "I know God is good and he loves me, but right
now I'm scared and hurting, and I just want someone to listen."

Dan gives us the first principle for using the Bible appropriately.
Whenever you read or quote Scripture to someone who is suffering, be sure to listen carefully first. Scripture should always be used
in conjunction with compassionate presence. What is the person
thinking and feeling? How does the person view God? How has
the illness or disability affected the person's relationship with
God?

For example, Dorothy felt that God had abandoned her in her
long battle with ovarian cancer. She had been a faithful church
member all her life and had never doubted God until now. Her
wavering trust in God deeply disturbed her. When her pastor, Bill
Moser, visited, he listened to Dorothy's concerns without comment. Finally, Bill looked her in the eye and said, "Even David felt that way sometimes, Dorothy-listen to Psalm 13." Then he read,
"How long, 0 LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will
you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my
soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long?" (Ps 13:1-2).

Passages that enable a person to identify with a biblical character may bring comfort to those who feel guilty about not accepting
their condition or who may be angry with God or with other people. Once you have listened carefully to what a person is really
thinking and feeling, you will be able to choose passages that will
encourage and support the person. You will also need to be familiar with a wide variety of Scripture to choose appropriate passages.

The passages in figure 4 have proved especially helpful to people in distress. Read through these references and think about situations in which each might be appropriate to share with
someone. You may also want to discuss them with several other
people to hear their insights. Begin keeping a log using the verses
in figure 4; then continue by adding your own favorites to the list.