Starfish Sisters (17 page)

I heard the tiptoe of Micki's feet across the floor,
followed by the sound of her trying to close the door
without me knowing. I wasn't asleep, though. I was
pretending to be.

They were all out there surfing, earning extra points,
improving their technique, while I was stuck here,
inside the stupid bungalow. But that was the way it had
to be, at least for today. I was sure I'd be back out there
tomorrow.

The girls were trying to be nice by taking turns
sitting with me so, as they said, I wouldn't get lonely
(even though that wasn't the truth). But the thought of
having to talk to each one of them, having to answer
their questions, would only make me want to 'hurt'
myself all over again. And there was no way to explain
that to them. So I kept my eyes shut and stared at the
black.

Besides, it was my fault. I'd pushed the scissors in
too deep. That'd never happened before, the blood
suddenly seeping out like a thick purple carpet. It
scared me, all that blood. That's why I squealed.
Straightaway Micki came running in, almost like she'd
been waiting outside the door.

I pulled my pants down for a check. No blood
showing through the bandage, not even purple
bruising spreading underneath. Apart from the other
cuts and scars, you'd never know anything had
happened, and that was the way I had to keep it.

I began an inspection on my other thigh, the more
neglected right one. The scars there were fading. Only
one still carried an angry ridge.

'Hi there.'

Quickly I threw the sheet over me. It was Georgie.

'It's not bleeding again, is it?' she asked.

'No, it's fine.' I smoothed the blanket over me.

'I brought you up some fruit.'

Georgie perched herself on the end of my bed and
began to peel an orange. To think we'd started camp with
our beds wedged together. That seemed like ages ago.

'I've just had a surf with Jake,' she started to tell me.
'He's giving us all a private session.'

I tried to keep my face perfectly still but Georgie
quickly added, 'Oh, he said he'll give you one
tomorrow. When you're feeling better.'

'Really?'

'Jake was raving about how good you are.'

'He was not.'

'Kia, he was. I swear.' Georgie put down the orange
and picked up my hand and held it. 'He said, "Once Kia
finds her confidence there'll be no stopping her." '

I wriggled my hand free. 'Exactly. Once I find it.'

'Kia, listen. I just spent forty-five minutes in the surf
with Jake and for most of that time he talked about you
and your potential. Your amazing focus, your determination,
your –'

'What was he talking about the rest of the time?'

'Kia?' Georgie groaned. 'Why do you do that?'

'Do what?'

'Find something bad when there's nothing bad to
find!'

'Yeah, well, I'm just trying to be realistic.' I wanted
Georgie to get off my bed. She was irritating me and
so was her half-peeled orange. 'The rest of the time Jake
was probably raving about how fantastic you or Ace –'

'He wasn't!' That time Georgie yelled. But still she
didn't move off my bed.

No speaking.

'I'm not meant to tell you this,' she finally said, 'but
I'm going to. Not because I want you to know about it
but because I want you to get it into your thick head
that the only raving Jake was doing was about you!'

I wriggled up the bed.

'Jake basically told me that if Ace didn't get it
together she wasn't going to be selected for anything.'

'No!' Could Georgie really be telling the truth? 'But
she's, she's sponsored like fully –'

'Exactly.'

'Did he really say that? Honest?'

'I swear on your goldfish's grave that's the truth.'

The giggle toppled out of my mouth. Georgie was
the only person in the whole world who knew I trod on
my goldfish Goggles. It wasn't on purpose.

'Are you going to tell Ace?'

'Jake asked me to talk to her,' she replied. 'But he
told me not to tell anyone else.'

'I won't say anything.'

Georgie stretched out next to me and fed me pieces
of orange. I rested my head on her shoulder, sucking
the juice out of each one.

'She's so caught up with Jules.'

'I still can't believe what she told us last night, how
she's broken up with Tim and now she's with Jules.' I
hadn't seen that bit of news coming. It'd provided me
with some entertainment as I lay in bed all day. And I
liked that Ace had only told us, even if she had told
Georgie first, and that we were to keep it a secret. 'No
wonder Ace was so happy to give me Tim's photo.'

We laughed.

'Last night . . .' began Georgie.

I cringed at those words. In one way I felt safe with
Georgie – I was pretty sure she wouldn't blab – but
then in another way I think I felt the most ashamed
with her.

'Last night,' she continued, 'when it clicked that Ace
wasn't in her bed, that she'd snuck out without telling
me, I wanted to kill her. I was so angry.'

'I didn't even realise she wasn't there.'

'You saw them together when we went to get
Micki's card.'

'Yeah, I worked that out this morning,' I told her.

'I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.'

'That's okay.' And I meant it. 'So when are you going
to tell Ace what Jake said?'

'That's what I've been trying to figure out,' Georgie
said, then yawned. 'She's going to spew.'

'Fully, fully spew!'

'The other night she wanted to play truth or dare.
But we didn't because Micki came bursting in with the
news of the scouts.' Georgie snuggled up to me and
closed her eyes. 'Maybe I'll suggest we play it tonight,'
she whispered. 'I'll suss her out a bit. See if she suspects
anything. She might be a blonde but she's not dumb.
Oh, this is all getting so confusing.'

Three seconds later Georgie was snoring. Gently, I
patted her shoulder and for the first time allowed
myself to think that maybe – maybe – what Jake'd said
about me was true.

Dr Ace and I walked down to dinner together. According
to her assessment, my bed rest was over. Her
diagnosis was that it was safe to walk and run and surf.
It was tempting to say, 'I know. I have been here
before.' But no way. She already thought I was a big
enough freak show.

When I walked into the dining room everyone
went, 'Kia!' Except Megan, who shrieked like she'd
seen a ghost and shouted, 'She's alive!'

If only she knew how I almost wasn't. But I didn't
want to think about that.

The heat rose up into my cheeks and I pretended to
laugh along with everyone else.

'Hey, Kia!' Jake called. 'Over here, I want a word.'

He was standing by the water fountain.

'I am so unco with these fat fingers,' he said. 'Can
you press the tap down and I'll hold the bottle.'

Silently we stood there until the water brimmed
over.

'You feeling better?' he asked.

'Yes, thanks.'

'Hey, I'm sorry if you thought I was tough on you
yesterday,' he said. Again the heat started to invade my
cheeks. There was no need to talk about this. 'But when
I'm dealing with someone of your potential, I want you
to push yourself till you reach it. I'm not like that with
everybody.' He gave me a wink. 'Only the ones who
have the X factor. The ones who really rip.'

Did he really mean what he was saying or did he
just feel bad for me?

'Stop frowning, Kia!'

'Huh?'

'I owe you a private session. Tomorrow at nine am?'

'Straight after breakfast?'

'I can't do it any earlier 'cause I'm taking Megan and
Georgie out to Merrimen's Point.'

Merrimen's was a lethal right. It was one of those
notorious breaks. I was happy for Georgie that she was
going there. I really was.

Fish was on the menu again. At home, we ate it
every now and then, 'cause Dad said we had to. One
thing I'd perfected over two and a half weeks here was
how to eat fish while blocking my nose. I'd have to
teach Charlie the technique when I got home 'cause he
hates fish too.

'I need more lemon,' Ace whined. 'Brian puts this
one scabby piece on our plate.'

'Have mine,' I offered.

Georgie had already scoffed her fish down and was
stealing bits from my plate.

'I reckon Brian's cut our portions in half,' she
yawned. 'It's either that or all the exercise we're doing.'
She yawned again. 'I have definitely lost some weight.
I can tell from my boardies.'

'You're looking buff, girl,' Ace said.

'You should get an early night,' Micki told Georgie.
'What time are you leaving for Merrimen's?'

'Merrimen's?' Ace dropped her fork. 'Who's going
to Merrimen's?'

'Jake's taking Megan and me tomorrow at five-thirty
am,' Georgie replied.

Georgie didn't look at Ace when she said it. She just
kept picking little flakes of fish off my plate.

'Why wasn't I told?' Ace was looking around the
room. No doubt for Jake. 'I've surfed there heaps of
times. I've even done a photo shoot there. It goes off.
I want to go. Why hasn't Jake told me?'

Luckily for Georgie, she didn't have to answer. Ace
had already upped and left. She didn't even take her
plate.

The other girls, led by Megan it seemed, broke into
spitting whispers.

Us three just looked at one another.

'Oops! Am I bad?' Micki uttered. 'I just assumed Ace
knew.'

'Poor Jake,' Georgie cringed. 'He is going to get it.'

When Georgie and I came out of dinner, we found Micki
sitting at the public phone like a statue. She'd probably
just hung up from her dad. We still didn't know exactly
what was wrong with him. When anyone asked how he
was doing, Micki'd say stuff like 'He's much better now,
thank you' or 'He needs to take better care of himself.'

She never actually said: he's got this disease or that
disease. But I had decided that as soon as I got home I
was going to ask Dad straight out what the hell was
wrong with Davo.

'Micki?' I called. Micki was still sitting there like a
statue. 'Micki! We're going to see if Jake and Ace are in
the office having a catfight.'

'Okay.' Micki stood up and started walking.

We only got a couple of steps when behind us we
heard Jake's call.

'Hey Starfish, where's your fourth sister?'

I stopped, Micki's eyes went wide and Georgie
uttered, 'Shit.'

'Girls?'

The three of us turned in unison.

'Have you seen Ace?' Jake asked.

The three of us shook our heads. 'No.' At least
Georgie managed some sound with hers.

'Well, when you do,' he said, 'you can tell her that if
she's sufficiently calmed down, I'll be in Carla's office
for about an hour.'

'Okay,' croaked Georgie.

'Good night, girls.'

'Good night,' we chimed.

'You don't think she's,' I whispered, 'snuck out, do
you?'

'It's not even nine o'clock,' Georgie replied. 'If she
has, she's an idiot.'

It was midnight and Ace's bed was still empty.

'I've got to get up in five and a half hours,' Georgie
moaned. 'Plus I got about two hours' sleep last night.'

Each reminder was like a sharp, stinging slap across
the face. I felt about two centimetres tall. Or maybe
that was actually wishful thinking. So I could go and
find a crack in the wall and crawl into it.

'You go to sleep, Georgie,' I offered. 'I'll keep awake.
It's the least I can do.'

'I didn't mean it to come out like that, Kia. I'm just
mighty pissed off. There is a ten pm curfew. Well,
there's meant to be.'

'Do you know where Ace meets him?' Micki asked
Georgie.

'I think down at the beach. But I can tell you now
we're not going looking for her.'

'And this is all over her not being invited to
Merrimen's?' Micki said. 'I mean, Kia and I weren't
asked, either.'

I caught Georgie's eye, wondering if she was going
to fill in the blanks for Micki.

She did, and like me, Micki was blown out, but in a
different way.

'Ace hasn't been focused,' Micki agreed. 'She's been
surfing okay but not great. I just thought that seeing
she was Courtney McFarlane and fully sponsored and
pretty, that her selection'd be a sure thing. That's what
happens to girls like her. Doesn't it?'

'So much for Ace saying we were all going to have a
big talk tonight.' Georgie was spitting! 'Make a pact
and all that crap. Please don't take this the wrong way,
Kia, but after what happened last night I thought she'd
be wanting to stick close. You know, keep the four of us
together.'

Again the slap and the feeling small. 'I'm really,
really sorry about last night.'

'You better not try that again, Kia. Next time you
mightn't be so lucky.'

Georgie was right. Last night had scared the hell out
of me. So why did her words make me want to run to
the bathroom and do it all over again?

After my Merrimen's foot-in-mouth moment at dinnertime,
I decided it was a good time to slip out to ring
Dad. All the girls were gossiping and arguing about
why Ace had walked out, so I wouldn't be missed.

'Hello, it's Micki Elvich,' I said to the nurse on the line.
'I want to talk to my dad, David Elvich?'

'Hold on, love,' he replied. 'I'll see if I can find him.
He may've gone out for a smoke.'

I craned my neck to look down the corridor. The
dining room door was still closed. It'd be a while before
the girls started trickling out on their way to watch the
evening DVD. I probably had a good ten minutes.

Some crackling and voices on the other end of the
phone made me sit up and push the receiver closer to
my ear.

'Micki?'

'Hi, Dad,' I answered. 'At last they found you.'

'Sorry about the wait. I was in the hospital café
having a chat with the cleaner.'

'How are you feeling?'

'Tops,' he replied. 'How about you? Tell us about
camp. You wowed them all?'

'I'm not sure about that.'

'I bet you have. You're just being modest.'

Dad sounded good. Bright almost.

'I can't believe it's nearly over,' I said. 'Five days left.'

'What day are they sending me home?'

Dad had his own record of time. He measured it by
his morning visits to the clinic. The other twenty-three
hours didn't seem to count.

'They're sending you home on Thursday, Dad.'

'Yeah, they said something like that.'

'And I'll be home by Saturday morning. I think the
train gets in at about five-thirty.' Dad'd be about to
say, 'I'll meet you there, Micki.' And he'd mean it too,
even though the chances of him actually making it
were below zero. So before he had a chance, I said, 'I'll
get myself home. It's too early to come and pick me
up.'

'I'll have a nice breakfast waiting.'

The chance of that was probably slightly above zero.

'It's going to be okay,' he said. 'I'm not going to bust
again. I give you my word. I really mean it this time.'

'Well, just try your best, Dad.' How many times had
I regurgitated this line? 'That's enough for me. See you
on Saturday morning.'

Ten seconds' recovery was all I gave myself before I
stood up and went to Kia and Georgie, who'd just
come out of dinner.

Luckily, that was about all I needed these days.

It was hard to get to sleep after I'd finished the day's
diary entry. I loved recording everything but sometimes
it was hard too. Like tonight, talking to Dad on the
phone, hearing his voice full of the usual hopes and
promises.

So much for me only putting in the good stuff. But
then I had to remind myself that there was heaps of good
stuff. The most good stuff I'd ever had to write about.

It was close to two am when Ace crept in.

The light went on in the bathroom and the pipes
squeaked as Ace turned the water on. Then she tiptoed
across the floor, climbed into bed and sighed.

Last night this room had been united. Tonight we
were each on our own.

To all the others, I'm sure us Starfish Sisters looked like
we were going about the day as usual – except for Ace,
who was sulking. Everyone knew about it, as suddenly
the girl who always had so much to say could only
manage a sullen 'Yes, please' or a 'No, thank you.'

Together the four of us muddled through mealtimes,
our training session, our training video analysis,
another tag team relay, a Pilates and stretch class, and
to top it off, a 'performance and goals' lecture.

Usually when the day had been tough, our reprieve
had been getting back to the bungalow that night,
crawling into bed and laughing at all the things that
hadn't seemed very funny a few hours ago. Or if we
couldn't manage that, we'd muck around with Ace's
phone, taking photos of ourselves in ten thousand
different poses.

But not tonight. Tonight the atmosphere was thick
and expanding and ready to explode.

'So, Ace?' I knew it would take Georgie to get it
going. She was fired up after surfing Merrimen's.
'What happened to that little talk we were meant to
have last night? Us three were ready for it. The problem
was, you pissed off.'

'So I changed my mind.' Ace's voice was a
monotone, like it had been all day. 'You could have had
the "little talk" without me.'

'But it was your suggestion. And we were all
involved in the other night.'

'I had my own stuff to deal with.'

'And we don't?'

Kia and I were like spectators in a tennis match.
Georgie smashes, Ace returns it.

'Well, let's have the talk now.' Ace got up off her bed.

Georgie followed. 'Okay.'

'So where do you want to start, Georgie? I presume
you're the chairwoman?'

'Chairperson,' corrected Georgie.

'Okay, chairperson,' Ace mocked. 'What's first on
the agenda?'

Back and forth, back and forth, Georgie and Ace
bickered. The further they went, the further they got
from what was really important. Kia.

Only a couple of weeks ago, one week ago even, I
would've been too nervous to interrupt Ace and maybe
even Georgie. But I was over them now, because as
I watched them play the 'I'm better than you' game I
realised that they hadn't really ever had anything bad
happen to them. Not really bad. A dead great-aunt, a
dead dog, divorced parents for Ace – but none of it was
life-threatening. It wasn't going to make them hide in
corners, lie about who they were or cut themselves.

'Stop it, you two!' I stepped in between them.
'You're just going around and around in circles and not
even talking about anything . . .' I hesitated, '. . . real.'

They looked at me like they'd just realised I was
there. The room had only been big enough for the two
of them. Neither of them spoke.

But I was willing to sit it out.

'You're right,' Georgie said. 'Sorry. That was pretty
pathetic.'

Ace gave a shrug and a mumble but I took that to
mean she agreed.

Then, over the other side of the room, Kia squeaked,
'This is all my fault, isn't it?'

'No!' the three of us yelled at exactly the same time.

Suddenly, our laughter erupted, almost splitting the
walls with its heartiness. The Starfish Bungalow
smiled.

Kia was being so brave. Some of the things she was
telling us made me want to cry, because she had had no
one to talk to. All by herself she'd carried around this
thing that made her so ashamed of who she was. Out
of all of us, I knew exactly what that felt like.

'It's like when I do it I get this instant relief,' Kia
explained. 'You know when you're dying of thirst, like
when you're walking home from the bus stop in
February and you just can't wait to have a big cold glass
of water? When you do, you feel like "Ahhhh." It feels
so good.' Kia's eyes were shut. 'That's what I feel when
I cut myself. All the pressure and chatter that goes on in
my head disappears for that moment and it's like
"Aahhh."' She opened her eyes. 'But then it comes back
and you feel double as bad because of what you've
done. Then you've got to hide it, make excuses, and it
starts all over again.'

'I'm so sorry I got pissed off when you wouldn't
wear a bikini,' Ace apologised. 'I've got to say, Micki,
that was a pretty speedy excuse you came up with.
That's the kind of thing I do.'

'I think I saw Kia's wetsuit in my hands and it just
came to me.'

'You mean
your
wetsuit, Micki,' Kia said to me.

'You don't have to give it to me. They're heaps
expensive and I know you were trying to –'

'Please, Micki,' Kia interrupted. 'I want you to have
it.'

'So, that day when I was up here getting ready for
my first rendezvous with Jules,' Ace said to me, 'and
you asked me, "What would you do if you knew something
really bad but you weren't allowed to say
anything?" that's what you were talking about – Kia?'

I nodded.

'And I thought it was about your dad.' Ace almost
laughed.

I sat up straight, bracing myself for the next
question. Could I be brave like Kia?

Instead, Georgie said, 'Do you think you're going to
be able to stop it, Kia? We don't want to dob you in but
then we don't want you to . . . hurt yourself.'

'I'd like to be able to stop,' Kia said. 'Sometimes the
cutting sort of feels like a friend. You know, the only
one that understands me. Then other times it feels like
my total worst enemy.' She shrugged. 'It's weird.'

'If your oldies found out that we knew about' – Ace
paused – 'it, we'd be seriously busted, you know.'

'Maybe you guys knowing will help me stop?'

'Maybe.' Georgie was looking straight into Kia's
face. 'Maybe when we go back to school you should go
and talk to the school counsellor. I can go with you, if
you want?'

'Maybe,' Kia whispered.

'I vote we make a pact.' Ace held out her hand and
gestured to us to do the same. 'As Starfish Sisters, we
vow that Kia's secret will become our secret. But only
on the condition that she does something about it and
doesn't do it anymore.'

'Or tries her best not to?' I whispered. I had learnt
these words softened the disappointment that hid
around that corner.

The four of us placed our hands on top of one
another's and declared, 'The Starfish Sisters!'

The following morning started with a before-breakfast
group training session. The four of us had a ball. Kia
nailed a series of lightning backhand snaps like the
freak she could be; Georgie was getting barrelled,
coming out then getting barrelled again; Ace's timing
and balance had her skating across floaters like she was
on air; and I found power in the pockets that had my
snapbacks spraying.

Jake was pumped. 'What did you girls do overnight?
Drink some vitamin potion? You were all on
fire!'

'Oh, we have our secret strategies,' Georgie boasted
on our behalf. 'But if we tell you them we'll have to
kill you.'

To that we burst out laughing. I was holding my
sides as Kia slammed into me; Ace was doubled over
and Georgie was snorting so loud it sounded like a wild
pig on the loose.

Jake stood there not having a clue.